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Thanks to many Bozo News Hawks who alerted me to this classic bozo that was reported by Ann Landers while I was away. From the International File in Bristol, England comes the story of bozo Nigel Firth who shoplifted a couple of live lobsters from their tank in a supermarket and stuffed them into his pants. He was sprinting for the exit when he came to a screeching, and screaming, halt. The lobsters were none too happy to be stuffed in our bozo’s pants and so they did what lobsters do. They used their large and powerful claws to clamp down on whatever was available. Emergency medical technicians were called and had to pry the lobsters loose using pliers. Doctors say our bozo will recover, but will never be a daddy. Thinking he had gone through enough, the supermarket manager declined to prosecute.

(Best of Bozo) From Minneapolis, Minnesota comes the story of bozo Florence Williams who walked into a bar with a parrot in a box. She then began asking patrons of the bar if they would like to buy a parrot. One of the men in the bar took a look at the parrot and said, "That’s a good looking bird. In fact, I’ve got one just like it at home." A little later when the man returned home, he found his apartment had been broken into and the bird stolen. He called the cops who stopped by the bar and found the woman still there, still trying to sell the bird.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Resistencia, Argentina come the story of the two Bozos who stopped at a fast food restaurant and asked for permission to use the restroom. The Bozos then went into the restroom, yanked out the toilet and loaded it onto the back of their motor scooter. Or, maybe tried to load it onto their motor scooter would be more correct. The Bozos were still trying to balance two people, and one toilet on the back of a motor scooter when police arrived.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to several Bozo news hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Salina, Kansas comes the story of several plainclothes police officers who were at a residence conducting a search for illegal drugs. Their task was tougher than they thought it would be. You see, they kept getting interrupted by all the walk up drug traffic and phone calls from would be buyers. Finally, the cops called in reinforcements on the form of several officers who parked their marked cars in front of the house. This still didn’t stop the steady stream of would be Bozo drug buyers. Finally, the cops set up an assembly line type operation where they let the Bozos in the front door, arrested them and led them out the back to be carted off to jail.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo rule # 5353: REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, IT’S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO RETURN TO THE SCENE OF THE CRIME. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of Bozo Patrick McCrew who pulled his beat up cowboy hat down almost over his eyes and held up a bank, getting away with a few hundred dollars. Things were going fine for our Bozo until he decided to return to the same bank a few days later to open up an account, wearing the same beat up cowboy hat. The teller he robbed recognized him and called the cops, who arrived before he was able to fill out all his new account paperwork.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sioux Falls, South Dakota where a homeowner came home and caught Bozo Lewis Anderson rummaging through his house. Our Bozo was so frightened by the homeowner that he jumped out of a second story window. Miraculously, he was uninjured and was able to hop in his car and speed away. Unfortunately he sped right past a patrolling police car, which gave chase. The Bozo then crashed into a light pole, but was again uninjured and took off on foot, with the police in hot pursuit. Running down the street, our Bozo passed a couple of joggers. For reasons known only to the Bozo, he told the joggers that he was running from the cops and they, too, began pursuing the Bozo. By now, our hapless Bozo was beginning to run out of steam and was caught by the joggers who held him until the police caught up.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sgt. Thomas C. Thomason of the Sun City Arizona Sheriff’s posse for today’s report. It’s the story of bozo Frank Hart who was in the process of burglarizing a business when a couple of sheriff’s deputies noticed him. The cops ordered our bozo to put his hands up but he ran. Right down an alley and up to a cement block wall. A big wall, too, about five feet tall and two feet thick. Our bozo scaled it in one bound. And that was probably the biggest mistake he made that day. He had climbed into the Sun City Sheriff’s posse compound where he found himself surrounded by 15 patrol cars. He was quickly arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from Tyler, Texas where a couple of teenage bozos worked for a major electronics retailer. The two somehow figured out a way to activate the gift cards that the store sells and went on a little shopping spree. After allegedly trying to purchase a palm pilot, a mini disc recorder and a couple of video games our bozos ran into trouble at the check out counter. The cashier suspected something was up when she ran the gift card through the register and noticed that it wasn’t for the usual $20, $50 or $100. Nope, our bozos had made themselves a gift card worth $100,000. The cops were called and the high rollers arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lou Bragg of Summerville, South Carolina for today’s report. It seems police there received a report of a vehicle which had almost caused an accident at a busy intersection. Police traced the car to a residence and as they pulled up, they spotted two men leaving in the vehicle. The officer pulled them over and the driver of our car, our bozo, was given a citation for failure to yield right of way. End of story…almost. While the officer was in his patrol car writing up the citation, our bozo was scrambling around in his car trying to dispose of a couple of marijuana cigarettes. Of course he still had them in his hand when the officer walked back up to the car. Busted! You can add drug possession charges to his rap sheet.

With all the wintry weather across the country in recent days, today’s bozo story comes as no surprise, and thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dennis Hernet for sending it along. From Fond du Lac, Wisconsin comes the story of a bozo snowmobile thief who removed the machine from a garage and proceeded to drive it to his residence. Straight to his residence. Leaving a perfect trail in the freshly fallen snow right up to his front door. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York where bozo Stan Haynes may have been doing a little Christmas shopping. He picked up a $25 pair of pants and went into the department store dressing room to try them on. He must have liked them, because he wore them out of the dressing room and walked right out of the store with them on, without paying, of course. Our well dressed bozo did make one big mistake. The old pants that he left behind not only had $200 in the pocket but also his wallet complete with his ID.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Paterson, New Jersey where bozo Tomas Delgado jumped into a car and shouted "Drive!" He must not have been paying much attention to what was going on, because the driver did just what she was told. She drove right up to a police car and shouted to the cops that she was being carjacked. An officer quickly jumped into the car and grabbed the bozo who was then driven to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the rarely used Bozo Broken Hearts Club. From the International File in Germany comes the story of a heartbroken bozo who was upset because his girlfriend dumped him. He was so distraught that he decided to end it all by causing a gas explosion in his apartment. After leaving the gas on for a while our bozo had second thoughts and turned off all the gas pipes in the building. Thinking he had averted disaster, our bozo sat down and lit up a cigarette. Bad idea. The resulting explosion blew the roof off the building but no one was seriously injured. Romeo is now in custody.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Cynthia Kindler-Thomas for sending in today’s report. From Denton, Texas comes the story of bozo Michael Ross who had some trash that he needed to dispose of, regular household type stuff, a pair of twin beds and a sleeper sofa. So he left it on the curb for pickup, right? Nope, a bozo wouldn’t do anything that simple. So he took the stuff to a landfill? Nope. Maybe he called a charity to come and pick it up? Not this bozo. Instead he loaded it into his pickup and dumped it on the side of the road when he thought no one was looking. That would have been fine except for one thing. He left several job applications in the trash, complete with all his vital information. And while checking out this information, the cops found he was also wanted on theft charges. His new job may include picking up trash for the state.

Bozo criminal for today proves that being a bozo is hard, tiring work. From Philadelphia, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Ray Gardner who stole a car, drove it a short distance and then decided to take a nap. Behind the wheel. Holding his gun in his hand in plain sight. A policeman noticed the gun and decided run a check of the license plate. Our bozo’s now catching up on his sleep in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Walker who sent in today’s report. From Boston, Massachusetts comes the story of a group of bozo marijuana dealers who just received a large shipment of fresh marijuana. They stashed the pot, about 52 pounds of it, in their apartment along with a large amount of cash and firearms. Never thinking that placing the marijuana directly under the apartment’s fire alarm might cause a problem, our bozos went out, probably for a bite to eat. While they were gone, the fragrant fresh pot set off the alarm. It didn’t catch on fire but the overwhelmingly strong scent confused the alarm and triggered an automatic call to the fire department. Instead of finding a fire, the firemen found the pot and called the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Colombia comes the story of bozo Jose Gomez who was a "mule" for a Colombian drug dealer. He would swallow cocaine filled balloons and then board an international flight, thus sneaking the drug undetected through customs. Our bozo slipped up upon arrival in Melbourne, Australia. While filling out the customs form, he checked the "yes" box on whether he was carrying any illegal substances. That led to a quick arrest and confession.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Roberta Craig for contributing today’s story. From Turtle Lake, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo John Bridges who had a rough day at the casino. After losing a lot of money at the gambling tables and not wanting to go home broke without an excuse, our bozo walked into the casino parking lot and hit his head against a light pole. He then reached down, picked up a handful of dirt and smudged it on his cheeks. After checking himself in his car mirror he repeated the process until he got just the "I’ve been robbed" look he wanted. He then headed back inside to report the mugging to the proper authorities. One problem, however. Security guards had been watching everything that happened on parking lot surveillance cameras. He’s healing his wounds in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk D.D. Stewart who contributed today’s report. From Atlanta, Georgia comes the story of bozo Juanita Morris who had some counterfeit bills she wanted to pass. She went to a grocery store and tried to wire some money, mixing in the counterfeit bills with some real cash. A sharp eyed clerk spotted the fake bills and called the cops, which prompted our bozo to flee the store, leaving all the cash behind. Upon returning home, she and her boyfriend thought things over and decided to call the police and ask if they could come by the station and pick up the money that wasn’t counterfeit. Sure, said the cops, come on down! They did. They were arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado where bozo Katie Chandler was arrested for violating her parole by posting nude pictures of herself on the internet. Well, that’s not exactly the reason she was arrested, if you’ll allow me to explain. Our bozo is a felon who was on parole for distribution of a controlled substance and theft. Being a felon, she was banned from coming into contact with firearms. And in those pictures she posted on her website, she was totally nude, except for the guns she was holding. She’s back in jail.