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Bozo criminal for today from Butler, Pennsylvania, once again proves that the old adage, Honesty is the Best Policy, does not apply to bozos. It seems bozo Marc Langston stole a credit card from a woman who gave him a ride. Armed with his stolen card, he headed straight for a cell phone store where he bought a phone for $200 and to another store where he bought $42 worth of beer and cigarettes. So far, so good, right? Nope. At both places, when asked to sign the receipt, he wrote in “Thief” rather than his name. Oops. Cops used video surveillance from both places to ID our bozo and quickly tracked him down. He’s been charged with receiving stolen property and theft by deception.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Berlin, Germany. Cops were trying to serve a warrant on our bozo when he decided to make a run for it. He jumped from his balcony directly into some shrubbery where, unfortunately for him, a group of wasps had built a rather large nest. The angry wasps swarmed all over him, causing him to flee out into the street where the officers attempted to make an arrest, only to be attacked by the wasps themselves. Our bozo managed to break free and fled, with the wasps in hot pursuit. Looking for any place to hide, he jumped into an inflatable swimming pool. The pool may have kept the wasps at bay, but it didn’t hold back the cops, who placed him under arrest. No word on the fate of the wasps.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Broward County, Florida, where the cops received a report of a nude man bicycling down the street. Perhaps thinking that he needed to cover himself up, our bozo stopped at a sex shop and grabbed some underwear off the shelf. And since he had nowhere to carry his cash, he offered to trade his bicycle for the undies. He left the shop wearing the underwear, but perhaps it was chafing, as he soon removed and discarded the drawers. The cops finally caught up to him, strolling in the buff down the sidewalk. He was caught, covered up, and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today was a victim being in the wrong place at the wrong time when the worst possible thing happened. From Coney Island in New York comes the story of bozo Richard Walker who had a hankering for a donut. So, he walked into the local Dunkin’. He placed his order and, while waiting, adjusted his pants. When he did so, a gun fell out of the waistband to the floor. Now, remember where this happened. A donut shop. And of course there was a cop in there at the time. And to make matters worse, our bozo was a repeat felon. Uh-oh. He’s under arrest. No word if he got to enjoy his tasty donut.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manchester, New Hampshire, where bozo Christie Baker called the cops to report that she had been assaulted by a neighbor. She told the cops that the neighbor had broken down the door, punched and scratched her. She showed them blood stains on her clothes and two black eyes. But something just didn’t seem right. Upon further investigation, they discovered a tube of “Vampire blood” left over from Halloween and a close look at those “black eyes” revealed they were applied with makeup. Not sure what her plan was, but it probably didn’t include being arrested and being charged with giving police a false report and falsifying physical evidence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Monroe, Louisiana, where a man called the cops to report that a woman that had been staying at his apartment for the past week and left, stealing about $5000 in cash from the apartment. The cops tracked our bozo down and she confessed to stealing the money. A female officer was doing a routine strip search before booking her when she found something. Inside her vagina was $6233 in cash along with a clear plastic bag containing one gram of meth. It was then that she offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the officer the money and drugs did not belong to her and she had no idea how they got there. Um. OK. Busted! Charged with theft and narcotics possession.

Our bozo for today from the International File in Aberdare, South Wales proves once again that bozos and modern technology just don’t mix. The cops pulled over suspected drug dealer Scott Carson but before they could approach the car he tossed heroin and cocaine out the window. He denied dealing drugs and said what he had was for personal use only. It was then the cops noticed his car was equipped with a dashcam. Footage on the cam showed him making drug deals on his phone and giving specific details of what he had for sale. Busted! He was jailed for two years and six months after pleading guilty to possessing cocaine and possessing heroin with intent to supply and producing cannabis.

With all the negative news today the Bozo Reports offers for your consideration an uplifting story. From Lacey Township New Jersey, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who swiped a bottle of ketchup from a local eatery. Not newsworthy except for what happened next. A few days later a store manager noticed a brown paper bag sitting outside the restaurant. Inside, two unopened bottles of ketchup and an anonymous letter. In the note, our bozo apologized for stealing the ketchup and said it had brought him nothing but bad luck and bad karma, including his car being involved in an accident just hours after the theft. He expressed his hope that paying back the ketchup, with interest, would change his luck. The manager said all is forgiven and, buy the way, they never even noticed the missing bottle.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wilmington, Massachusetts, where the cops were alerted to be on the lookout for someone driving a Range Rover who had left a gas station without paying. When the cops pulled over 24-year-old Alicia Ellis, they found one very convincing piece of evidence. The gas pump nozzle and hose. Yep, she left the station with the pump nozzle still in the car and had driven around without noticing it. Busted! She’s been charged with operating under the influence of liquor, negligent operations of a motor vehicle and an open container violation.

Sometimes our bozos just make things too easy as today’s report from Irvine, California will show. It seems our 19-year-old bozo had a little too much to drink and crashed her Land Rover around 3:30 in the morning. This would not be newsworthy except for the fact that she crashed through the gates of the James A. Musick jail facility. She must have been in a hurry, too, as the gates were totally ripped off the hinges and the vehicle significantly damaged. Our bozo, however, was not harmed. The cops simply walked her across the parking lot and booked her into jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Marion County, Indiana. No criminal activity here and we’ll leave it up to you to identify the bozo. A sheriff’s department employee headed to the local McDonalds and picked himself up a chicken sandwich and small fries. He placed the sandwich in the break room refrigerator before starting his shift at the county jail. When he went to warm it up later, he noticed a few small bites had been taken out of the tasty sandwich. Extremely annoyed, the officer headed back to McDonalds where he confronted the manager who offered him a free meal as a replacement. Not sure when the light bulb went off in his head, but sometime later the officer remembered that he was hungry when he bought the sandwich and had taken the small bites out of the sandwich himself. Oops. No word on whether he offered to pay for the free one he was given.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jennings County, Indiana, where police received a strange theft report. A woman called to report her false teeth had been stolen and she thought she knew who the perp was. It just so happened that our bozo thief was on probation and was scheduled to meet with her probation officer that afternoon. In his notes, the office wrote that she “may be wearing the stolen teeth.” Yep, she stole someone’s false teeth and wore them to her probation meeting. Maybe she thought it was picture day. Officers dropped by our bozo’s home later and noticed the teeth in question sitting out in plain sight and they were even labeled with the owner’s name. Busted! We’ll abstain from the obvious joke that the cops took a bite out of crime.

Bozo criminals for today come from St. Louis, Missouri. Our bozos, described as teenagers between 16 and 18 years of age, approached victim number one and demanded cash. When he told them he had only loose change and cigarettes in his pocket, they took his bag of chips and ran off. About 15 minutes later, they approached victim number two, again demanding cash. Again the victim said he didn’t have any money but offered them his bottle of whiskey, which the took before fleeing. The investigation continues. They whereabouts of the whiskey and chips are unknown.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sydney, Australia. Police at a station in suburban Sydney were minding their own business when they heard a loud crash. They rushed outside to see a parked patrol car severely damaged and a white van leaving the scene. Apparently the driver had lost control of the vehicle before running into the parked police car. The cops gave chase and when they pulled our bozo over, they discovered the van was full of neatly packed cardboard boxes. And inside those boxes…methamphetamines, lots and lots of methamphetamines. 600 pounds to be exact, with a street value of around $140 million US dollars. Yikes. He’s busted. And, yes, negligent driving was added to the drug possession charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Perth, Australia, where our bozo was hungry. So, he walked into a grocery store and selected a nice hot meal of spaghetti from the take-out counter. In full view of customers and employees, he took the foil container of pasta and stuffed it down his pants. Guess he didn’t take into account just how hot the meal was, as security footage show him walking quickly toward the exit, then limping as the pasta burns his privates. Thinking better of the whole idea, he reached in and attempted to throw away the contraband. Unfortunately he only succeeded in removing the lid from the meal, sending hot spaghetti everywhere and leaving a trail of red sauce behind him. With a trail like this to follow, the cops were able to quickly place him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Salina, Kansas. As best as we have been able to piece together, here is the Bozo Timeline for this burglary. One, break into residence, head to kitchen, drink cranberry juice from refrigerator. Two, head to the basement and check out the inversion table, a device where you strap your feet to the table and then tilt it so you hang upside down, for supposed health benefits. And you know the rest of the story. Our bozo was so fascinated by the inversion table that he forgot about his plans to burglarize the home. He strapped himself in, turned the table up and found himself hanging upside down with no way to free himself. He raised such a ruckus that the homeowner was awakened and the cops were called. Our bozo was removed from the table and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sunbury, Australia, where bozo Benjamin Swain was smoking pot in his car with friends when he spotted a police cruiser. Thinking they were coming after him, he floored it and immediately sideswiped another police car, injuring the officer inside. Our bozo managed to get away, but the cops had his license plate number and tracked him down at his parents’ house. When the cops questioned him about the incident, he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he accidentally hit the police vehicle because his car “was so full of weed smoke” he couldn’t see. Sorry, that one’s not gonna work. He’s been charged with 14 offenses, including ramming an emergency vehicle, assaulting a police officer, conduct endangering life and unlicensed driving.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in this one from Dixon, Illinois. So, here is our bozo predicament. You took the kids over to a friends house. It’s hot, so, once there, you inflate a small wading pool so they can play and cool off. Fun time’s over and you’re ready to go home. But you’ve still got that inflatable pool…and it took a lot of huffing and puffing to blow it up, so what do you do? Not wanting to have to blow it up again, our bozo placed the fully inflated pool on the roof of her Audi SUV. But it could blow off. So what do you do? Tie it down? Nope. Have your two little girls sit in it, on the roof of the SUV, while you drive home? Yep. While the pool was safe, neighbors weren’t sure the kids were, so the cops were called. She’s busted! Charged with two counts of endangering the health or life of a child, two counts of reckless conduct, and failure to secure a passenger between 8 and 16.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Atwood, Ontario, Canada, where the police pulled over a man driving erratically at 2:30 am. It was what they found inside that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He had his two year old child in the car with him and instead of using a child booster seat, the kid was sitting on a 24-pack case of beer. Bad idea. Apparently he had not been into the beer himself as he was only charged with failure to properly secure a child. Police brought him a proper safety seat and notified child protective services.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Madrid, Spain, where customs officials were checking passengers on an inbound flight from Bogota, Columbia. One of the passengers had an unusual hairstyle. A very tall pompadour, sort of like you would have seen on the young Elvis. Upon further inspection, it was found not to be his real hair but a toupee. And this toupee was not to cover a bald spot. It was covering a half-kilo of cocaine that he had glued to his head. Yep, he was trying to hide $34,000 of coke under a wig. Bad idea. He’s busted!