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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Melbourne, Australia comes the story of a bozo who maybe should have worn briefs instead of boxers. Bozo James McKnight attempted to break into a gift shop by crawling through an air duct. He was making good progress when his underwear got caught on a piece of metal in the duct. (What a wedgie!) It was a tight fit in the duct and our bozo couldn’t free himself, couldn’t turn around and found it difficult to breathe. When the cops arrived on the scene they had to call the fire department to cut him out before they could arrest him.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Bibb for sending in today’s report. Our bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 2323: It’s not usually a good idea to pick the toughest bar in town to rob. Bozo Hank Ellis found this out the hard way when he held up Mary’s Bar in New Madrid, Missouri. Our bozo demanded money while holding his hand in his pocket and telling the bartender he had a gun. After getting his cash, our bozo was headed for the door when he was stopped in his tracks by a beer bottle thrown by one of the bar’s patrons. He was revived and arrested.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Moscow, Russia. It seems our bozos were planning a big party. They’d invited all their friends, hired a disco DJ and bought lots of food and drink (maybe too much drink). Now all they needed were some disco lights to set the mood. But in the former Soviet Union disco lights are a bit hard to come by. So our enterprising bozos headed down to the nearest signal light and stole it. They were headed back to their party when they were stopped by the cops. Have you ever tried to explain why you have a traffic light in the back seat? They were arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Rocco Pallotto for sending in today’s report. From Hamburg, New York comes the story of bozo arsonist Nicholas Brown who set fire to a downtown building and was so proud of his work he just had to call his best friend and brag about it. He dialed the number and when the person on the other end of the line picked up he said, "Dude, it’s lit. The whole corner’s going." One big problem, though. Our bozo dialed the wrong number. Instead of reaching his best friend, he called the local fire chief.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Salt Lake City, Utah where bozo Harold Harper walked into a KFC restaurant, brandished a box cutter and demanded money from the cashier. After getting away with a small amount of cash, our bozo made a quick dash to his getaway vehicle only to find he had locked his keys in the car. Leaving his ride behind, he sprinted out of the parking lot as KFC employees called the cops. The police were investigating when someone looked out the window of the restaurant and shouted, "There he is!" Our bozo had returned to the scene of the crime armed with a coat hanger and was trying to get back into his car. He’s currently locked up in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Klager for sending in today’s report. From Sussex, Washington comes the story of bozo Larry Heinz who snatched the purse of an 84 year old woman. The woman was able to get the license number of our bozo’s car as he sped away. In checking the license plates, the police determined that the vehicle belonged to a woman and that her boyfriend was likely the driver at the time of the robbery. Later in the day, our bozo showed up at the police station to ask why the police were inquiring about his girlfriend’s car. The cops immediately ran a check on him and found he was wanted on several outstanding warrants. He’s now had purse snatching charges added to that list.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0088: It’s not usually a good idea for a bozo to issue a challenge to the cops. From Miami, Florida comes the story of bozo Alexander Pena who was a very confident crook. Our bozo, who is suspected of cashing more than $200,000 in fraudulent checks and is called a career criminal by the cops, decided to confess his crimes. He mailed the police a videotape of himself and a long written confession with his picture at the bottom of each page. He was so confident he couldn’t be captured that he taunted the cops on the video, saying, "Here I am, now you know what I look like. Catch me if you can." They did. He was arrested at his mother’s house in Hialeah.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Rio De Janerio, Brazil comes the story of a bozo drug dealer who thought he had come up with the ultimate hiding place for his stash of cocaine. He hid eleven pounds of the stuff in a big pile of logs at his home. Seems like a log pile would be a good hiding place, right? Wrong! These particular logs were palm heart logs, from a protected species of tree. Brazilian environmental police investigating illegal trade in palm tree hearts spotted the logs and discovered the cocaine when they showed up to search the place. Our bozo’s now awaiting charges on both drug and palm heart possession.

(Best of Bozo) From Colorado Springs, Colorado comes the story of a bozo criminal who walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash in the drawer. As the cashier was putting the cash in the bag, the bozo spotted something else he wanted–an expensive bottle of Scotch on a shelf behind the counter. He told the cashier to put the Scotch in the bag along with the money. The cashier said, can’t do that because I don’t believe you’re over 21. Am too, over 21, the bozo replied. But the cashier still refused to give him the Scotch. So, the bozo reached into his wallet and pulled out his ID which he handed over to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and sure enough, the bozo was over 21 so he handed over the liquor. The bozo ran away with his loot. The cashier then called the cops, giving them the name and address of the bozo who was quickly arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Homestead Air Force base in Florida where bozo Ronnie Majors held up a bank and was making a speedy getaway when he pulled up to the guardhouse at the entrance to the Air Force base. Thinking he was at a toll booth, our bozo reached into his bag and offered the guard on duty some of the cash he’d just stolen. The guard motioned him onto the base where he was promptly arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today seemed to have it all backward. From Canada comes the story of bozo Sylvain Boucher who was spotted by prison guards standing between the prison’s stone wall and an outer fence. Thinking he was trying to escape, the guards quickly apprehended him. Upon his capture, he was found to be carrying a large amount of illegal drugs. Upon further questioning it was discovered that our bozo was a drug dealer who was trying to break into the prison, thinking there would be a good market for his drugs there. He’ll get to find out….he’s looking at 14 years.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Elgin, Illinois where bozo Jason Martin showed up at the police station one night to take part in the "Ride Along" program, which allows citizens to accompany officers on patrol. A detective in the station house thought our bozo looked a little familiar. So while our bozo was out riding with an officer, the detective ran a computer check and found an outstanding warrant. Bozo Jason got an extra ride in the squad car–straight to the county jail.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Bogota, Columbia comes the story of a group of bozo crooks who broke into a shoe store and stole over $16,000 worth of shoes. Exactly 756 shoes to be exact. And they got away with them, too. Cops are still looking for them. So what makes them bozos? Well, you see all the shoes the bozos stole were the display models. And in this store, to save space, only the right shoe is put on display-the left one is kept in the back of the store and is brought out only if a customer wants to try a pair on. So our bozos got away with 756 shoes, all of them for the right foot only.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Antonio, Texas where bozo Frank Green was convicted of robbery. The judge on his case sentenced him to seven years. Our bozo became very upset and begged the judge not to give him seven years because seven was his unlucky number. Fortunately for our bozo, he had found a sympathetic judge. He changed his sentence to eight years.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Klager for sending in today’s report. From Germantown, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Michael Cooper who was pulled over by the cops for doing 85 in a 65 mile per hour zone. That in itself is not necessarily a bozo offense. It’s the reason he gave the police for driving so fast that placed him firmly in Bozoland. He said he was in a hurry to get to Milwaukee to pay a traffic ticket. He now has two tickets that he needs to pay.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Huntsville, Texas comes the story of three very bored bozos. Looking out their apartment window, they noticed a large paving and smoothing machine that had been used to resurface the parking lot had been left unguarded overnight. So at 1:45 in the morning a couple of the bozos climbed aboard and took the big machine for a little spin while the third bozo videotaped the whole thing. Of course this caused quite a bit of racket and the neighbors called the cops but by the time the officers arrived they had parked the machine and returned to their apartment. And our bozos might have gotten away with everything except that they left their apartment door wide open and were watching the videotape and laughing and whooping it up as one of the officers happened to pass by.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Virginia where bozo Christopher Carson was driving a vehicle he had stolen when it ran out of gas. And of course, being a bozo, he wouldn’t want to walk to the nearest gas station. Instead he flagged down a passing sheriff’s deputy and asked for a lift. During the trip our bozo gave the deputy a name that did not turn up during a routine check. So, he radioed another officer to run a check on the vehicle’s license plates. When they turned up stolen our bozo was given a lift. But not the one he had asked for. This one took him straight to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois where bozo Marquez Lane was a snazzy dresser. And that’s just what got him into trouble. Our bozo held up a bank that he used to work for. He took all the proper precautions. He wore a mask and he even tried to disguise his voice. Yet the teller was still able to give the cops a positive ID. How? It was the shoes. The same shoes that he always wore to work. The very distinctive blue suede ones. When the cops arrived in his home our bozo still had them on and the loot was still in his pocket.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tyler, Texas where bozo Roberto Rodrigues returned to his home to find it being burglarized. Thinking quickly, he blocked the suspect vehicle in the driveway with his own truck and called the cops. In the meantime, the burglars fled on foot. When the cops arrived, our bozo gave them a description of the thieves and then allowed the police into his home to take a look around. And that’s when his troubles really began. In plain sight in the house were several bags of marijuana and a plastic baggie containing an unknown powdery substance. Busted! But we’re not done yet. The officers were then called to a nearby home where 18 year old bozo Florencio Lopez reported his car as being stolen. (Remember the vehicle was left behind). Officers immediately recognized him from the description of one of the burglars. He was arrested,too.

Bozo criminal for today needs to pick up one of those self-help books on finishing what you start. From Queens, New York comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a bank in the early afternoon and handed the teller a holdup note. Before the teller could give him any money our bozo got cold feet and ran. After spending about 30 minutes building up his confidence our bozo walked into another bank and tried again. He handed the teller a note and once more he got weak in the knees and ran out before getting his cash. Perhaps remembering the old adage, try, try again, our bozo once again gathered up all the courage he could muster and walked into yet another bank. The loser again gave the teller a note and again began to sweat and feel short of breath. You know the story, he ran out without getting any money. But he’s not the only one coming up empty handed…the cops are still looking for him.