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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jack Decker for sending in today’s report from Muskegon, Michigan. A couple of bozos hatched an almost perfect plan for stealing goods from the local Wal-Mart. Using their home computer, they printed up official looking Wal-Mart receipts for $2000 worth of computer equipment and a DVD player. They then headed to the store and loaded the items into a shopping cart, planning to show the phony receipts to the security guard as they headed out the door. Guess they were really excited about pulling off the heist as they got to the store a little early. The time printed on the bogus receipts was 3:03 PM. They tried to sneak past the guard at a little past 2:50. A bozo time warp, if you will. They’re keeping track of time in jail now.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee where bozo Albert Kane stole a set of tools out of the back of a pickup truck. The tools belonged to a local home builder and one of the tools was fairly rare. The builder placed an ad in the paper seeking to purchase another of the rare tools to replace the one stolen and who should respond to the ad but our bozo. When the builder went by the bozo’s home to inspect the tools he had for sale, he recognized them as his own. He excused himself, saying he was leaving to get some cash. Instead he returned with the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Erfurt, Germany where an unidentified bozo tried to purchase some gas with counterfeit bills. The clerk recognized the money as being phony and wouldn’t take it. This so upset our bozo that he drove to the nearest police station to complain. Not the best idea. First, it’s against the law to try to pass counterfeit money. Secondly, the officers ran a quick check on our bozo and found that he didn’t have a drivers license. And, third, he was drunk, four times over the legal limit. He won’t be going anywhere for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Worth, Texas where bozo Randy Harris picked a really bad place to hide. Our bozo allegedly held up a bank, getting away with a small amount of cash and escaping on foot. Thinking that the cops might be on his tail, he ducked into a tanning salon. Our bozo then rushed up to the attendant and, out of breath, asked the price of a tan. The curious attendant asked him if he was being chased and he answered, "No, I just need a tan." He was shown to a tanning bed. In the meantime the suspicious attendant called the cops who were waiting to arrest our tanned and rested bozo when he stepped out of the booth.

Don’t know what it’s been recently with bozos shedding their clothes but we have another one today. From the International File in Brazil comes the story of bozo William Farias. Our bozo, a minor league soccer player, scored a goal in an important game and to celebrate, ripped off his shirt, threw it into the crowd and ran around the stadium, a common practice in soccer. Don’t know if he wasn’t getting the reaction he’d hoped for from the crowd or what, but our bozo decided not to stop with his shirt. He also ripped off his shorts and threw them into the crowd (must have thought he was in the XFL!) He not only was suspended from the team he was also arrested for indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Lucerne, Switzerland comes the story of a bozo who held up a music store and then used a taxi as a getaway vehicle. A witness saw the bozo jump into the car and called the cops who traced the cab. They then radioed the driver and gave him instructions to the nearest police station. Meanwhile, our bozo was so busy admiring his loot that he didn’t even notice what was going on. When the cab pulled to a stop at the station house our bozo stepped out and was immediately arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hauula, Hawaii where bozo Melvin Weaver thought he had come up with the foolproof disguise for a burglar…his birthday suit. In his clouded way of thinking he thought the sight of a naked man would so startle any eyewitnesses that they would not be able to give the police an accurate description of him. He never quite had the chance to put his plan to the test, however. He was caught rummaging through a home and went running naked out the back door. But it was the neighbors who led to our bozo’s capture. Neighbors who called the cops to complain about a naked man running down the street.

Bozo criminals for today come from Buffalo, New York where three bozos robbed a cabdriver at gunpoint, getting away with a small amount of cash. The police were able to catch two of the bozos and at a hearing a couple of weeks later the prosecutor asked the cabbie to point out who had robbed him. The cab driver pointed to the two bozos at the defense table, the gestured toward a man sitting at the back of the courtroom, who he identified as the one who had held the gun on him. Believe it or not, the bozo who had not been caught showed up in court to see what was going to happen to his friends. He’s now joined them in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the seldom used Royalty File. From London, England comes the story of Britain’s Princess Anne who was recently fined $700 for doing over 90 MPH in her Bentley and ignoring a police officer chasing her. But what really makes the princess a bozo is the excuse she offered up for not stopping. She said when she saw the flashing lights, she just assumed the officer was providing her a royal escort.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Celebrity File. The producer of the "Cops" TV show was visiting Atlanta to meet with the police and set up an upcoming episode of "Cops" in the city. But the meeting he ended up having with the cops was not quite the meeting he had planned. Our bozo had a few too many glasses of wine with dinner and was pulled over by the Atlanta police and charged with drunk driving. Wonder if he’l show up on a future episode of "Cops"?

Bozo criminals for today come from Wrightsville, Georgia where bozos James Wise and Terry Gore decided to try their hand at extortion. They sent a letter to a school superintendent asking for $100,000 to prevent several pipe bombs supposedly planted at the school from being set off. Authorities evacuated the school as a precaution but were not really worried about our bozos actually planting any bombs. They knew these guys weren’t going anywhere because they signed the letter with their real names and included their return address on the envelope. And that return address was- "Reidsville State Prison."

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winona, Minnesota where bozo Billy Simon stole a bicycle and a small safe from a home. Police were called to investigate and noticed some rather strange tracks in the snow. Leaving the home was a set of bicycle tracks and every few hundred feet the rider would stop and set a square object down in the snow. Apparently our bozo was trying to ride the bike with the safe perched in his lap. When it would get too heavy for him he would stop and set it down to rest. The cops followed the tracks to the bozo’s backyard where they found him, the safe and the bicycle.

Many of our bozo criminals have been caught red-handed, but today’s bozo is a crook of a different color. From Van Buren, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Donald Vance who used blue spray paint to write threatening and obscene messages on a residence and a McDonald’s restaurant. Witnesses gave the police a description of our bozo’s car and he was pulled over a short time later. At first he denied any involvement in the caper but when he reached for his drivers license his hands gave him away. They were blue from the spray paint. He’s washing his hands in jail now.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Canterbury, New Zealand comes the story of bozo Robert McIntyre who robbed a local resident. When our bozo got the loot back to his house he took a good look at it and discovered it just didn’t come up to his high standards. So he did what any bozo would do, he called his victim to tell him that his stuff was crap. Not a good idea. The police were able to trace the call to our bozo’s house where they found him and the stolen items.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington where bozo James Smith, for reasons known only to himself, decided to rob a garbage truck. Wielding a pair of scissors, he tried to hold up the garbage collectors, but they had no money. So he decided to settle for stealing the truck itself. No luck there either. He was arrested when he was unable to get the big truck into gear.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lucy Powell for sending in today’s report. From Los Angeles, California comes the story of bozo Hal Corbett who was fleeing from the cops. The chase had already covered several blocks and it was getting dark when our bozo decided the best way to give the police the slip would be to switch off his lights. Perhaps he could lose them under cover of darkness. His safe driving habits kept his plan from working, however, as every time he made a turn he signaled with his blinkers.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Louis, Missouri where bozo Candy Collins worked at a convenience store. Fed up with working for minimum wage she decided to strike back by stealing one of the $3 instant lotto tickets from behind the counter. And wouldn’t you know it, she was a $100,000 winner on a stolen ticket. Now instead of putting $3 in the register to pay for it, which the local D.A. says would have been perfectly legal, our bozo rewound the security tape to try to cover up her crime. She sealed her fate when she bragged to a co-worker about her winnings, encouraging her to steal a ticket, too. The honest co-worker told the boss, who told the cops. And as for the money, by law it has to go to someone, so the city is donating it to the school board.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Francisco, California where bozo Noel Gonzalez was trying to pass through security at the airport. When he put a large package through the x-ray machine the security guard asked him if he had any metal in the package. And that’s when our bozo answered, "Oh, I forgot. There’s a .22 in the cheese." And indeed there was. A pistol was hidden inside a very large chunk of cheese in the package. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee where bozo Gregory Watson appeared in court to face burglary and drug possession charges. The judge noticed our bozo fooling around under his chair. He had a guard take a look and, yep, he was trying to hide a bag of cocaine under the chair in the courtroom. He won’t be getting out for a long time.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Malaysia comes the story of a bozo who was surprised by the homeowners while he was robbing their house. He bolted out, not realizing that he had left the keys to his getaway car behind on the table inside the house. So what would a bozo do in a situation like this? He would return a few minutes later, knock on the door and politely ask for the keys to the car. The homeowners refused, of course (it’s a wonder he didn’t ask them to call him a cab or give him a ride to the bus station). Even though he ripped the license plate off his car as he left, the police don’t anticipate any problems in tracking him down.