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Thanks to bozo News Hawk Jo Will for sending in today’s report. From North Conway Village, New Hampshire comes the story of bozo Kevin Phillips who violated bozo Rule Number 3490: When you steal a car it’s usually a good idea to remember where you parked it. Our bozo heisted a bright red BMW and headed straight to the nearest bar to have a few drinks. When he came back out he tried the key in the lock and it wouldn’t fit. He looked at the key and looked at the car and tried it again and again the key wouldn’t work. Becoming frustrated, our bozo next picked up a brick and tried to smash the window. And that’s when he attracted the attention of the the cops, who came over and sorted the whole thing out. They discovered that our bozo’s car, the stolen one, was parked a few spaces away. Yep, he’d gone to the wrong car. He’s now been charged with theft and destruction of property.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks for sending in this one. From the International File in Drogheda, Ireland comes the story of bozo Paul Fulham whose robbery skills still need a little work. Our bozo returned to his hometown on holiday and planned to rob a shop next door to his childhood home. He armed himself with a knife, put a mask over his face and headed next door to do the deed. But it seems he is a friendly sort and on his way to the shop he kept running into old friends and each time he would lift his mask to say hello to them. And to top it off, he was more than just a little inebriated and once he got into the shop he couldn’t find his way out. The police were called and helped him find his way to jail.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Cardiff, Wales comes the story of bozo Christopher Downey who had just flown in from Dublin and discovered that his luggage didn’t make the trip with him. He reported it missing and the airline was able to track it down at another airport where officials opened the bag to confirm it belonged to Downey. Oops. Inside they found 65 blocks of hashish weighing about 35 pounds. The bag was forwarded to Cardiff and our bozo was busted when he came down to claim it.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Burck Knopf for sending in today’s report. From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of bozos Alejandro Martinez and Cardell Betonia who couldn’t have picked a worse vehicle to try to steal. It was an old beat up GMC van with faded-out tinted windows and a curtain separating the driver’s area from the back of the vehicle. And it also happens to be owned by the police department. It’s used on stakeouts in suspected drug trafficing areas. That’s how a couple of officers were using it the other night, hiding in the back and keeping a lookout for drug dealers. Our bozos strolled by, noticed the keys in the ignition and jumped in. Before they got it started they got the shock of their lives when the cops pulled the curtain back and busted them.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Hamilton, Ontario, Canada. bozo Kristian Wyrostek must have gotten in a little bit of a hurry when he packed up a Sony Playstation that he had been renting from a local video store. He returned it to the store with a little something extra-a .22 caliber handgun. After finding the gun, surprised video store employees called the cops. When the police arrived at our bozo’s home to investigate they found about $50,000 worth of stolen goods (maybe he should have stolen a playstation for himself) and a small amount of drugs. He’s been arrested.

Thanks to several bozo News Hawks who pointed out this one in a recent Dave Barry column. From Annapolis, Maryland comes the story of bozo Chad Wilson who was in violation of his parole and was being taken before the judge when he broke away and ran from the courtroom. Our bozo, with the deputies following close behind, ran to the nearby Maryland Inn where he hid in a closet. So far, so good. It’s when our bozo came out of the closet that his troubles really began. Inside that closet, for reasons unknown, was a full size bunny suit, complete with floppy pink ears. Yes, our bozo put it on. Yes, he was immediately spotted by the deputies and arrested.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Donna Jean Johnson for sending in today’s report. From Athens, Texas comes the story of bozo Shannon Harvey who was a wanted man-in fact there were two outstanding warrants on him, including one for aggravated robbery. But that didn’t stop him from walking into the drivers license office to renew his license. DPS officers discovered the warrants while his license was being processed. He’s been arrested.

We’ve always said that if it wasn’t for bad luck, bozos would have no luck at all and that’s certainly the case today. Thanks to bozo News Hawk Neal Tooni for sending in this one. From Pamelia, New York comes the story of bozo Jeyvan Lang who was more than a little stoned and was weaving from lane to lane. And maybe he was a little paranoid, too, because when he noticed a police car in his rearview mirror, he did what seemed to him to be the logical thing. He pulled into the driveway of the first residence he came to, pretending to be going home. His ploy might have worked except this particular driveway belonged to the home of the very officer who was following him. He’s been charged with DUI and possession of marijuana.

bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Division. From Seattle, Washington comes the story of a group of cops who couldn’t tell the good guys from the bad. It all began when and 18 year old bozo stole a police car and a cop on bicycle patrol reported seeing the stolen vehicle. A patrol car arrived on the scene and was waiting at a stop light when a second patrol car arrived. The officer in the second car thought the driver of the first car was our bozo thief and proceeded to ram the vehicle with his car. The officer in the first car thought he was being attacked by the stolen car driver and opened fire. The officer in the second car returned fire and more that twenty shots were fired before the officers realized their mistake. Fortunately, no one was injured. In the meantime, our bozo thief thought better of things and drove the stolen patrol car to a police station and gave himself up.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Gregg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Cape Canaveral, Florida comes the story of a group of illegal aliens who picked one of the worst possible spots to try to land their boat. Right in front of NASA’s Kennedy Space Center, one of the most closely guarded strips of shoreline in the United States. Apparently they were shooting for a beach near Miami and strayed a little too far north. And they didn’t help their cause any when the one member of the group who could speak English asked one of the armed NASA guards if he could borrow his cell phone to call for directions. They’re being held pending deportation back to their Chinese homeland.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Chita, Japan comes the story of a bozo who went to a great deal of trouble to collect theft insurance on his car. Using a backhoe he dug a large hole on some farm land owned by his father. He then pushed the car in and covered it up, claiming it was stolen and hoping to collect about seven thousand dollars to pay off debts. There were two basic flaws in his plan. Number one, he didn’t completely cover the car, a piece of it was sticking out of the ground. Number two, he didn’t let his father in on the scheme. When pops noticed the freshly dug spot of land with a part of a car sticking out of it he called the cops.

Thanks to many bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this story. From Kansas City, Missouri comes the story of bozo John Hanson who was celebrating the 4th of July with several of his friends by shooting off some fireworks. The group got a little loud and rowdy and the neighbors called the cops. Since it’s illegal to have fireworks in the city one of the bozo’s friends hid them before the police arrived. Finding nothing illegal, the police told the group to keep the noise down and left. End of story, right? Wrong! About 3 AM bozo John got hungry and went into the kitchen to warm up some lasagna. And that’s when he discovered where his friend had hidden the fireworks. In the oven. The kitchen was blown to bits but no one was seriously injured.

bozo criminal for today comes from Torrance, California where bozo Reggie Hampton pulled off a carjacking, jumping in and forcing the driver to slide over to the passenger’s side. Things started going downhill when our bozo discovered that the car was a standard transmission and he had never learned to drive stick. Instead of giving up and looking for another car our bozo strugged along, trying to get it going, even ordering the owner to help put the car into gear. By this time the barely moving car had attracted the attention of the cops. Realizing he was caught, our bozo tried to run but became entangled in the seat belt and was dragged a few feet by the slowly moving car before he was arrested.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for pointing out today’s story in a recent Ann Landers’ column. From Hutchison, Kansas comes the story of bozo Tom Hall who had a little too much to drink at a party. He met an old friend there who told him that her house was unlocked and it was OK for him to go over there and sleep it off. Telling her he knew exactly where she lived, our bozo left the party. Somewhere along the way he got a little confused but he did finally find what he thought was the right house. The backdoor was unlocked so he let himself in, stripped down to his underwear and climbed into the first bed he found. Sometime later the woman who was sleeping in that bed awoke to find a strange man passed out cold next to her. She jumped up and quickly ran next door to call the cops. They came over and awakened our bozo, telling him he was in the wrong house in the wrong bed with the wrong woman. He’s been charged with criminal trespass.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boulder, Colorado where bozo Douglas Olsen had been admiring a Himilayan cat at the humane society but was a little short of cash. He decided the quickest way to come up with the money would be to print it up on a copy machine. Either he’s colorblind or he’s even dumber than your average bozo. He printed up fake dollar bills on crumpled yellow paper! (Yellowbacks, anyone?) When he tried to pass these beauties the folks at the humane society busted out laughing and stalled our bozo until the police arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeff Kimmey for sending in today’s report. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Kenneth Waymire who had just bonded out of jail. Not surprisingly, our bozo was in a big hurry to get home. Too much of a hurry as it turns out. He hadn’t gone very far before he was angered by a slow moving van on the highway. Our road-raging bozo veered in front of the van, making obscene gestures at the occupants and generally harassing them. When the van pulled into a parking lot, he wheeled up beside them and jumped out of the car. Unfortunately for our bozo the occupants got of their van also. All seven of them. Members of the Oklahoma City Police department’s tactical unit, in full riot gear. A check of our bozo’s car turned up some crack cocaine. He was given a speedy ride back to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joe Messina for sending in today’s report. From Boston, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Hal Cowans who broke into a home and stole a couple of cameras and some jewelry. He then headed to the nearest pawn shop and hocked the items. The police were eventually able to track down the stolen goods and return them to the rightful owner. But the bozo’s identity remained a mystery until the owner decided to get the film in one of the cameras developed. On the roll were several pictures from his nephew’s Bar Mitzvah and a couple of photos of a man he didn’t recognize…but the police did. It seems our bozo let the pawn broker take a couple of shots of him to prove the camera worked and then forgot to remove the film. The next pictures he’ll have made will be mug shots.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Andy Kent for sending along today’s report. From Kirksville, Missouri comes the story of a bozo husband and wife team who went into a local drug store and grabbed several handsful of film before fleeing. And our bozos might be happily taking pictures today except for one problem. They remembered to make their getaway with the film, but they forgot something else. Their six year old son who was also in the store. He’s staying with grandpa and grandma now since he was more than happy to tell the cops where his parents lived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sal Darigo for sending in today’s report from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania where police were summoned to an arcade and amusement center. It seems 19 year old bozo Dave Jenkins had called the cops to complain that one of the arcade employees had stolen something from him. And just what would that something be, the cops asked. "My marijuana," was our bozo’s reply. The police did a little investigating and found the pot. When our bozo identified it as belonging to him, he was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bryon Cheatham for sending in today’s report from Big Spring, Texas where bozo Kirk Moore reported his car as stolen to the police. A short time later the police spotted the vehicle in question and pulled the driver over. As fate would have it, our bozo was in the area and stopped to claim the car as his. The officer on the scene ran a check on the vehicle’s license plates and discovered the car had been stolen not once, but twice. And the first thief was…our bozo! That’s right, our bozo is a car thief who called the cops to report a stolen car as stolen. And to add to his problems, he was wanted on a parole violation. He’s under arrest.