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bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida where bozo Rafael Morgan was test driving a Porsche when he was pulled over by the cops and ticketed for doing 60 in a 35 zone. When our bozo returned to the dealership, he quickly sped away as soon as the salesperson got out of the car. It wasn’t that difficult for the cops to track the guy down, after all he had just given the officer his address when he was ticketed. The cops just drove to his home and found the Porsche outside and the bozo inside. It was when the cops arrested him that our bozo gave them the bozo Excuse of the Month. He told them he didn’t steal the car, he just drove it home to see if it would fit into his garage.

bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Edward, New York where bozo Frances Stagner broke into the local bowling alley by climbing in through a ceiling vent. As our bozo was creeping along, the ceiling suddenly gave way and he crashed down onto one of the lanes. This set off a motion sensor which in turn set off the automatic pin setting mechanism. Before our bozo even knew what was happening he was racked up like a bowling pin at the end of the lane. And the mechanism held him so tight he couldn’t squirm free. Of course he didn’t have long to work on his escape, the bowling alley was located right next door to the police station.

bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo Albert Vance was wanted by the cops on an assault charge. But our bozo must have gotten word that they were coming because when the police arrived at his house he was nowhere to be found. Playing a hunch, one of the cops got our bozo’s pager number and dialed it. When they heard a beeping sound coming from the attic, they knew they had their man.

Our bozo for today goes a long way toward proving that the "Dog as Man’s Best Friend" theory does not apply to bozos. From Missoula, Montana comes the story of bozo Michael Starkey who left his black lab tied up to a water spigot in front of his house. One day while our bozo was away the lab broke free, rupturing the pipe, which caused the basement to flood. When the property manager came by to take care of the problem he discovered the water cutoff was in the basement. To reach it, however, he had to fight his way through a six foot tall jungle of marijuana plants which our bozo was cultivating using grow lights. Don’t know who got possession of the dog but we do know the cops were waiting for our bozo when he returned home.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk "Alex from Indonesia" for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Surabaya, Indonesia comes the story of a bozo who needed some cash, and quick. So he stole the first thing he spotted, which happened to be a motorcycle. First he tried to push the contraption down the street, then he tried to drag it and he wasn’t making much progress using either approach. But he did succeed in attracting the attention of a neighbor who called the cops. To cap off what had already been a bad day for our bozo, when he tried to flee he fell into an open sewer. He was cleaned up and hauled off to jail.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Trento, Italy comes the story of bozo Diego de Carlo who had to appear at the courthouse to pay a couple of parking tickets. Being a bozo he of course parked in a no parking zone in front of the courthouse when he went inside. Upon returning to his car he found a new parking ticket on his windshield so he went right back inside to pay it. And you know what was waiting for him when he came back…a third ticket. Our bozo should feel fortunate, however, as the officials took pity on him and said they wouldn’t make him pay the third ticket.

From the International File in Blandford Camp, England comes the story of bozo Catherine Mitchell who worked at an army base pub and wanted an afternoon off. And since she didn’t have any time off coming to her she hatched the ultimate bozo vacation plan. She planted a cardboard box wrapped in duct tape underneath a table at the bar and then alerted a soldier to the suspcious package. He called the authorities and that’s when things got a little out of hand. Not only was the pub shut down, but approximately 1000 people from nearby homes and businesses were evacuated and a bomb disposal unit was called in. All because our bozo didn’t want to work that afternoon. She won’t have any afternoons off for a while. The judge sentenced her to 160 hours of community service.

bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule #0023: For obvious reasons, donut shops are not the best places to rob. bozo Antoine Cook of Chicago learned this the hard way. Our bozo was standing in line at the neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts and when it came time to place his order he pulled a gun from his waistband and ordered the clerk to "Give it up!" The next thing our bozo knew he had been grabbed and wrestled to the ground. That’s because standing directly behind him in line at the donut shop was a Chicago police officer. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and assault on a police officer.

bozo criminal for today comes from Shaker Heights, Ohio where bozo Darryl Adams walked into a bank, threatened a teller and got away with a handful of cash. Before police could even respond to the alarm, our bozo calmly walked back into the bank and told the same teller he needed to buy a $45 money order. The stunned teller told the bozo to hit the road, which he did, leaving his stolen wad of cash behind in the process. He’s been arrested.

bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia where bozo Glenn Mason was arrested and charged with bank robbery. And he’s going to have a tough time denying this one, too. About 300 witnesses at a club heard him make his confession. You see, after one of his stick ups, our bozo decided to try his hand at comedy and during open mic night at the local comedy club he went into a routine detailing how he robbed banks for a living. Employees of the club didn’t see the humor in his routine and called the cops who checked out our bozo’s story and arrested him.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Michael Tooher for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Maine comes the story of bozo Timothy Danes who is facing charges of illegal possession of explosives after authorites found him with a pipe bomb. And how did the cops make such a discovery? Our bozo was applying for a job with the Cumberland County Sheriff’s Department and he told the interviewer that he had a pipe bomb in his possession. And after a quick check the cops discovered he wasn’t lying. By the way, he didn’t get the job.

bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where bozo Michael Martin stole a car but instead of selling it to a chop shop or to someone else our bozo decided to try to sell it back to the person he had just stolen it from. Our bozo got the phone number and called the woman, claiming to have bought the car for $600 before realizing it was stolen. He then offered to sell it back to her for the same amount. No deal, she said, and after some negotiating she agreed to buy it back from him for $200. Knowing something was not right, she called the cops who were waiting four our bozo when he showed up with the car.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Rocco Pallotto for sending in today’s report, and there may be bozos from both sides of the law at work here. From the International File in Rio de Janerio, Brazil comes the story of an unidentified inmate at the Bangu Prison. Our bozo dug a tunnel to escape but seemingly wasn’t very good at directions since he emerged from underground not outside the prison but instead in another prisoner’s cell, right in front of prison guards. And here’s what makes us believe there may be some bozos working inside the prison. The guards said after he realized his mistake our bozo turned back into his hole and crawled away, rejoining other prisoners in the exercise yard. The guards said they didn’t see enough of him to identify him. I’m no rocket scientist, but I’m willing to bet he’s the one with that’s really dirty.

bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida where bozo Deshawn Dawson held up a bank and got away with a few hundred dollars. To make it harder for anyone to identify him, our bozo stripped off his shirt and threw it away after leaving the bank. At this point most crooks would have headed home to lay low fo a while, but of course a bozo would have other ideas. Instead he walked into a nearby Subway sandwich shop, shirtless, and ordered a small Coke which he paid for with a $50 bill. Upon receiving his change he offered to buy one of the employee’s shirts for $20. Another worker thought all this was kind of strange and called the cops who, noticing that he matched the description of the robber, arrested him.

Our bozo for today had a problem we may all be able to relate to. From Tomah, Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Josh Hamilton who stopped at the ATM to try to get himself some cash. And wouldn’t you know it, the stupid thing ate his card. Bank employees told him they wouldn’t be able to retrieve the card until sometime that afternoon. That just wasn’t good enough for our bozo who walked to his car and returned to the bank lobby with a tire iron. He then proceeded to give that bad ATM a darn good thrashing. He shouldn’t have done that. The police were called and our bozo was arrested, and that was just the beginning of his problems. A routine search turned up some marijuana in his pocket. And his card? He never did get it back.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Manchester, England comes the story of bozo Ryan Boothe who decided to hold up the branch of the Bank of Scotland on the hottest day of the year. And for such a hot day, he showed definite bozo skills in selecting his choice of apparel-a heavy winter coat and fur hat. He was able to get the teller to place about $8500 in a shopping bag and he headed for the exit where his getaway bicycle was waiting. He quickly discovered it’s tough to pedal while wearing a parka and to complicate things the dye packet in the money exploded, engulfing him in a cloud of red smoke. Momentarily stunned, he fell from the bicycle, losing his hat and sending his money scattering. As he tried to gather his cash and hat, the bank’s security camera got a clear shot of his face which the cops used to apprehend him.

bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California where bozo Steven Stanberry liked to play around with explosives. He especially liked to fill garbage bags with helium and release them with burning fuses and explosives attached. When the fuse burned down the whole thing would explode in midair which our bozo thought was very cool. Everything was fine until one of his floating bombs went astray. It floated three miles before coming to rest on the roof of the Los Angeles County sheriff’s station whereupon it exploded. No one was hurt but it angered the cops enough that, using wind patterns, they were able to trace the bomb back to our bozo’s neighborhood where he was tracked down and arrested.

bozo Criminal for today comes from Crawford County, Arkansas where bozo Shane Lucas violated bozo Rule Number 7888: When you do a crime, don’t expect your parents to come bail you out. bozo Shane pulled off a burglary and got away with some cash but was brought in a few days later on suspicion of burglary charges. Our bozo called home and asked his father to come bail him out of jail, telling dad he could use the stolen money and even going so far as giving him the location where he had stashed the loot. Bad idea. He’s no longer just a suspect since dad called the cops and told them the whole story.

bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Boksburg, South Africa where our bozo had an awful sense of timing. Hoping to get away with some computer equipment, bozo Christian Haymes broke into the public library the other evening. Unfortunately for him he set off an alarm which alerted a group which was meeting in another part of the building. It was a local businessman’s organization and the featured speaker was the chief of police who was discussing ways to prevent crime. Here’s one way right here. The chief along with security staff nabbed our bozo burglar.

Thanks to bozo News Hawk Rocco Pallotto for sending in today’s report. From Bayou Blue, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Leon Clayton who burglarized a store where he worked, taking a little cash, a telephone and some whiskey. And it sounds like he may have taken a little too much whiskey as he was arrested a short time later walking naked down the middle of the road. Upon questioning, our bozo told the cops that he thought that by taking off all his clothes he would make himself invisible to the authorities. He was taken to jail in a borrowed raincoat.