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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mary Callahan for sending in today’s report. From Santa Rosa, California comes the story of bozo William LaRue who had big plans to burglarize a home. His plans didn’t take into account the rains of recent days and the very muddy driveway leading to the home. As a result our bozo found his car hopelessly stuck. Thinking quickly, he walked up to the house, broke in and stole the keys to the homeowners car, which he used to flee the scene, right? Wrong. He drove down to where his car was stuck and tried to push it free using the other car. He promptly got it stuck, too. And that’s where the cops found him, knee deep in mud.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mesa, Arizona where you could say bozo thief Michael Jardine was having a bad week. First, his fake gun shattered into a thousand pieces when he dropped it while trying to rob a drug store. He ran away and the following day tried again. He went up to a checker in a supermarket and handed her a $20 bill to pay for a candy bar. When she opened the register he sprayed her with pepper spray and tried to grab some cash but she slammed it shut before he could get any. Then he started having an asthma attack brought on by the pepper spray. He struggled to his car only to find he had locked the keys inside. He grabbed a nearby rock, broke the window and sped away only to be stopped by the cops a few blocks later for driving without his headlights on.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brescia, Italy. It’s the story of bozo Mario Rivera who was questioned by the police during a routine drug enforcement patrol. The police had reason to believe our bozo might be a drug dealer and their suspicions were confirmed when they discovered 400 grams of cocaine hidden inside a shampoo bottle. And just what made the police suspicious of a shampoo bottle? Our bozo is completely, totally bald.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. Bozo Charles Franklin thought he had the perfect plan. He would make a fake 911 call and while the cops were tied up checking out the call he would rob a convenience store. He made the call and reported a shooting at the corner of Main Street and Cathedral Avenue. The police checked it out and, after finding nothing there, called the dispatcher who was able to trace where the call had been made from. A pay phone, right across the street from the 7-11 our bozo was going to rob. Cops went by to check out the phone and caught our bozo in the act.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Lewiston, Maine comes the story of bozo David Loranzo who used a BB gun to hold up a convenience store. Less than one minute after pulling the job our bozo found himself being swarmed by police. It seemed they were coming from everywhere and he quickly surrendered. His mistake was choosing to rob a convenience store directly across the street from the Lewiston Police Station.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Paul Randall for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Brisbane, Australia comes the story of a bozo who may have forgotten that it’s summer in the Southern Hemisphere. Bozo Justin Terry was trying to sneak some heroin into the country. He arrived at the Brisbane airport with 2 kilos of heroin stitched into his clothing. He didn’t get very far before attracting the attention of customs agents. He had hidden the dope in a heavy polar fleece jacket which he was wearing. And the temperatures in Brisbane were near 90. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida where bozo Travis Snider had what he thought was a foolproof plan for robbing a house. Boy, was he wrong. He rang the doorbell and asked the owner if he could come in and use the phone, which he did. He then told the homeowner to turn over anything of value. What he didn’t expect was for the owner to pull a gun on him and tell him to get out of his house, which he did. Case closed, right? Not quite. Our bozo had called his own house and hung up. When his girlfriend returned home, she saw the number on the caller ID and called back. Police were able to use the homeowner’s own caller ID to trace down and arrest our bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From York County, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Donnie Harvey who stopped by to visit a friend in the York County Prison. His friend was in for armed robbery. Unfortunately, bozo Donnie was also wanted for the same crime. The cops think he had stopped by to find out if his buddy was going to “rat on him.” He won’t need to now. The cops arrested him on his way out.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawks Al Dubinsky and Dana Scipio for sending in today’s report. From Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Robert Nolan who held up two convenience stores in one night. Our bozo was probably feeling pretty good about himself when he stepped out of his van at his house. His mood immediately changed when he was confronted and arrested by the cops. How could the police have possibly have known he was the crook? And how could they have found him so quickly? It was his getaway van. The one that had “Nolan Plumbing and Heating” emblazoned on the side in great big letters. After getting the description of the vehicle from the victims, one of the cops remembered where he had often seen the van parked and was waiting for our bozo when he arrived home.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joanne Tighe for sending in today’s report. From Weymouth, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Rebecca Harvey who was arrested on drunken driving charges. So she called her bozo friend Danielle Nix to come down and bail her out. Bozo Danielle was headed to the police station when she decided to stop at a drug store and pick up a few items. Three bags of merchandise which she didn’t pay for. The cops were called and they chased our shoplifting bozo, with flashing lights on, all the way to her destination. The police station. She was arrested and joined her friend in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri where an unidentified bozo walked into an auto parts store and snatched $50 from an employee. As he tried to make his getaway a mechanic grabbed him by the left leg, which much to his surprise, came off, along with his pants. Our one legged bozo hopped out of the store, through the snow, wearing only his boxer shorts and got into a waiting getaway car. Everyone in the store was laughing too hard to chase him, but police don’t anticipate any problems tracking him down.

Bozo criminals for today come from the Teenage Mischief Division. From West Haven, Connecticut comes the story of a group of young bozos who made three mistakes. Their first mistake was stealing 30 dozen eggs from a diner in West Haven. Their second mistake was throwing those eggs at passing cars. And their third and fatal mistake was not taking note of just which cars they were throwing stolen eggs at. When one of the eggs hit a police car, the boys were arrested and charged not only with criminal mischief but also with larceny for stealing the eggs.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. from Buffalo, New York comes the story of a bozo who didn’t let the city’s recent 7 foot snowfall keep him from his appointed rounds. Bozo Larry Carl figured this might be just the time to steal something nice for the home. Don’t know how he picked it out but he was seen walking down one of the snowy streets dragging a grandfather clock. Not surprisingly, this raised the suspicion of neighbors who called the cops. By the time the police caught up with him our bozo had stolen something else to make his job easier. A large city garbage can with wheels. Here he is, strolling down a snowy street with a grandfather clock in a big garbage can. Shouldn’t have done that. He’s been charged with theft of city property in addition to the clock.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sean Linthicum for sending in today’s report. In real estate, the key phrase is “Location, location, location.” This doesn’t always hold true in the bozo universe as today’s story from Altoona, Iowa will prove. Father and son bozo team David and Jesse Vance analyzed the situation and decided that their home was the perfect place from which to sell marijuana. Good location, right on the corner of a busy street, directly across from the Altoona Police Station. Oops. They’ve been arrested.

We’ve known for a long time that bozos aren’t the bravest of souls and today’s story goes a long way toward proving that point. From the International File in the Czech Republic comes the story of a bozo burglar who broke into a pub. As he was making his way toward the cash register he was frightened out of his wits by loud music. And on a wall across the room, in the dim light he thought he could make out something moving. That was enough for him and he quickly bolted out the door. And just what was it that frightened our bozo so? Well, some places have a watch dog. This particular place had a watch fish. One of those “sing n swing” fish that flops around and sings a song. That’s right, our bozo was foiled by Big Mouth Billy Bass.

Another one today from our Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. From the International File in Gateshead, England comes the story of Bozo Mark Waverly who held up a store and while making his getaway noticed a particularly fine woman waiting at the bus stop. So fine was she that our bozo just had to stop and ask her for a date. After making small talk with her for a few minutes he wrote his name and telephone number on her hand and went on his way. Later, when the woman saw a video tape of the robbery, she recognized the thief as her suitor and called the cops, giving them his name and phone number. His next date is with the judge.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the home of the Bozo Report, Tyler, Texas. It’s the story of a couple of bozos who violated Bozo Rule Number 3443: Never jump over a fence unless you know what’s on the other side. Tyler police surprised a couple of bozos nosing around the Classic Toyota lot late the other night. When our bozos spotted the cops, they took off, with one of them jumping over a nearby fence in an effort to get away. No doubt as soon as he hit the ground, our bozo knew he had made a serious mistake. He had jumped into a yard containing a couple of Rottweiler dogs. Big Rottweilers. Big, mean Rottweilers. Making a quick decision about which was the lesser of the two evils, our bozo jumped back over the fence and surrendered to the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hallandale Beach, Florida where an unidentified bozo walked into a branch of Bank United and handed the teller a holdup note. The note was written in such a scrawl that the teller couldn’t make heads nor tails of it so she asked hour bozo what he wanted. He tried to respond but the teller couldn’t understand his mix of Spanish and English. Quite a commotion ensued with our bozo shouting and gesturing at the note but never quite getting his point across. Finally, he gave up and left. Maybe he should try to steal a word processor.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Nice, France, and as you’ll see, there may also be a bozo victim here. You’re no doubt aware of the introduction of the new Euro bills in Europe last week. It seems a few folks over there may not have gotten the memo. On the first day the new money was legal tender a bozo purchased a round of drinks by giving the bartender what he told him was one of the new Euro bills. The bartender accepted the bill and brought out the drinks. It was only after he had left that someone noticed our bozo had paid not with a new Euro bill but with a bill from the European version of Monopoly.

Bozo criminals for today come from the international file in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada where three bozos were in the middle of a hold up when one of them accidentally hit the redial on the cell phone they were carrying. That call went to an answering machine which recorded the whole thing, including one of our bozos telling the victim, “You’re being jacked” and then later the three arguing among themselves over how to split their$100 take. The owner of the answering machine turned the tape over to the cops, who, with the help of local radio stations who played the tape on the air, were quickly able to identify the bozos.