Bozo criminal for today comes from Stanberry, Missouri where bozo Michael Massey was caught trying to steal six 350 pound commercial electric transformers from the local power company. It was the reason he gave for stealing them that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cops that he needed the transformers to power his home-built time machine. He said he wanted to travel a few days into the future, learn the winning lottery numbers and return to buy the winning ticket.
Bozo criminals for today come from the Shoulda Known Better Department in Stuart, Florida. Five teenage car thieves were on the run from the local sheriff and decided to jump into a pond to hide. Not the best idea for a number of reasons. First, you can only hold your breath for so long until you have to come up for air. Second, some strange varmints live in Florida ponds. And, third, as the sheriff’s deputies pointed out to our bozos, it’s gator mating season! They then shined a flashlight into the eyes of two nearby alligators. That was enough for our bozos. They came scrambling out of that pond faster than you can say "gator bait."
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Auckland, New Zealand comes the story of an unidentified bozo who stole a laptop computer. Since his work required a computer, the owner placed an ad in a computer magazine for another one of the same make and model. And wouldn’t you know it, our bozo called him up, offering to sell him his own computer for $750, saying he’d be glad to stop by and demonstrate it. Taking him up on his offer, the man immediately recognized it as his own, since the bozo hadn’t even bothered to erase the files or remove the programs. Sending one of his friends next door to call the cops, the man stalled our hapless thief until police arrived by challenging him to a game of chess. He lost.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Hazleton, North Carolina where bozo Colleen Flowers and her husband held up the local convenience store. Colleen must not have read those "Dress for Success" books since it was her choice of wardrobe that got her into trouble. She wore a long sleeved shirt with the word "Giant" written on the sleeve. The same one she wears at her day job at the Giant supermarket. The clerk recognized her and her shirt and Colleen is now wearing a shirt of a different color-the orange one provided by the jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wiltshire, England where bozo Nolan Preston broke into a hospital and stole some pagers. Then he spotted the tanning bed. Thinking he looked a little pale, he jumped in and set the timer for 45 minutes, which might have been OK except for one thing. This was a hospital, not a tanning salon. And this was not a tanning bed but a special ultraviolet light machine used for burn victims. It’s only supposed to be used for 10 seconds at a time. As you might expect, our bozo got a burn that Solarcaine or aloe vera couldn’t help. He was arrested by the cops when he arrived at another hospital to be treated for the burns, wearing a physician’s coat he had also stolen.
From Albuquerque, New Mexico comes the story of bozo Justin Adams who was threatening his girlfriend and her family during an evening of drinking. As the evening drew to a close, he informed his girlfriend that he had laced her drink. He pointed this out just before he passed out cold and hit his head on the coffee table. Yep, just like in the movies, he had mixed up the drinks and had consumed the spiked one himself. He’s been arrested.
Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 9876: If you’re doing something illegal, it’s not a good idea to have an overdue library book. From Mayer, Arizona comes the story of bozo Louis Gonzales who had checked out several "How To" books and never bothered to return them. The town library asked the local police to assist in getting some of the overdue books back. When the cops knocked on our bozo’s door, he answered with a meth pipe in his hand. Police also noticed a large amount of marijuana lying around. Guess he must not have read the book on "How To" avoid being arrested. He’s now catching up on his reading in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison County, Nebraska where bozo Curtis Baxter bought himself a check printing program at the local office supply store. Then, in true bozo fashion, he printed up a check made out to himself for $22 million. Nope, he didn’t try it out with a $20 check, he wrote one for $22 million. He pulled up to the drive-thru window at the Bank of Norfolk and tried to cash it (small bills please). Even though he gave the teller his ID, she told him she couldn’t cash it since the check didn’t have the name of the issuing bank on it. Not willing to give up that easily, our bozo returned a short time later with the name "Reality Perspective Bank" hand written at the top of the check. Still didn’t work. He’s under arrest.
Bozo for 6/11/02
Bozo criminal for today goes to show that Bozos are not just dumb when it comes to crime, many times they are severely lacking in the decision making department as well. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of reputed Genovese crime family member Anthony Laura who was on trial for allegedly driving the getaway car during a 1998 murder. After the jury reported that it was deadlocked 11-1, our bozo acted against the advise of his lawyer and waved his right to an unanimous decision, thinking that the jury was surely deadlocked in his favor, which would have set him free. Wrong. They were instead deadlocked in favor of conviction. The judge sentenced him to life in prison. He’s appealing on the grounds the verdict was unfair.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Harry Childs for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Mexico City, Mexico comes the story of a bozo who learned the hard way that his mother was right about being a glutton. One morning at 8 o’clock he entered a pastry shop, flashed a knife and told the person behind the counter to give him a slice of chocolate cake. It must have been darn fine cake, too, since our bozo returned the following morning at 8 and pulled the same stunt, and again the next morning at 8 and the next morning at 8. By the fifth day, the clerk had noticed a pattern developing and called the cops around 7:30. They were there waiting to take him into custody when he showed up at 8 o’clock.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Jose Luis Lopez discovered the hard way that you have to be careful what you say around kids. Our bozo’s two grandkids, ages 7 and 5 took $1100 of grandpa’s cash to school for show and tell time. They told the teacher they took the cash from a pile of money in grandpa’s van and that grandpa had "made" the money. The teacher called the cops who at first found the kids a bit frightened and hesitant to talk to them. Finally the officer asked the little boy what his favorite game was. He told him that it was the video game "Frogger" and that his grandfather’s favorite game was "the moneymaking game." The cops caught up with gramps and arrested him even while he was trying to stuff the evidence down his pants.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Corpus Christi, Texas comes the story of bozo Louis Parra who spotted someone he recognized in a local restaurant. Our bozo walked up to district attorney Mark Skurta and introduced himself. Something like, "Hi, remember me? You prosecuted a case against me back in 1987." The district attorney remembered our bozo all too well. He also remembered that he skipped town before he was ever sentenced. He’s now introducing himself to his new cell mate.
Bozo criminals for today come from College Station, Texas. Bozo Enrique Clayton was home from South Korea where he was stationed with his army unit. Bozo Enrique cooked up a plan with his bozo girlfriend Bethany Welch that they thought would keep him from having to go back overseas. Bozo Enrique convinced Bethany to shoot him in the leg. He then sent her to the police station to report that he had been shot in a robbery at a rest stop. Their story quickly disintegrated when the cops discovered that Enrique’s "missing" wallet was in his apartment. And the gun used in the assault was found in his car. Part of the plan did work, however. He won’t be going back to Korea. He’s presently stationed in jail.
Bozo criminal for today needs to find a better supporting cast. From Toledo, Ohio comes the story of bozo Eric Denton who pulled a daytime bank robbery and rushed out only to find his getaway driver had been spooked and had fled the scene without him. Panicking, our bozo simply jumped into the back seat of the next car he saw and told the driver to step on it. Not the best idea. The driver was a plainclothes police officer and the vehicle was an unmarked patrol car. And the person in the passenger seat was also an officer who quickly disarmed our bozo. He was given a ride, though. Directly to jail.
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Richard King tried to rob a branch of the Bank of America without using a weapon. He walked in, threatened the teller, using his thumb and forefinger in his pocket to simulate a gun. Things were going along well until our bozo forgot and pulled his hand out while gesturing to the teller, revealing that his "gun" was actually his hand. Seeing that he was no threat, the teller simply walked away to call the cops. Our bozo eventually grew tired of waiting and walked out of the bank and right in to the arms of the just arriving police officers.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Rangiora, New Zealand comes the story of bozo Michael Burns and his two accomplices who made careful plans to break into a tobacco shop. First, the bozos cut the wire leading to the burglar alarm, then they forced their way in and helped themselves to some cigarettes and a few cigars. But before the trio could make their getaway police were on the scene. And it was all because of one flaw in their not so carefully thought out plan. The burglar alarm they disconnected was for the store next door. The one in the tobacco shop was still working just fine.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0059: When escaping from any location, to be successful you have to actually leave. From the International File in southern Alberta, Canada comes the story of bozo Raymond Tyree who was serving time with no hope for parole. So he decided to pull a daring escape, sort of. He crawled into the prison’s ventilation system and just kept on crawling, around and around and through different areas of the prison staying in the ductwork but never finding his way out. Other prisoners took pity on him and brought him food and water before prison officials finally tracked him down. Two months and 30 pounds later. He’s in a new cell with no ductwork.
Bozo criminal for today comes from La Porte, Indiana where bozo Edward Gresham walked into the sheriff’s station to post bail for someone. Things were busy and our bozo was asked to take a seat until someone was available to help him. He plopped down in one of the office’s comfy chairs and before along he was fast asleep, snoring loudly, with his mouth wide open. One of the deputies tried to awaken him and noticed something inside our bozo’s mouth. Upon closer inspection it was determined to be two small bags of rock cocaine. He’s now joined his friend in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Ogden, Utah where bozo Frank Seymore walked by and snatched some jewelry from a street vendor. Now this should be a pretty easy crime to pull off most weekends of the year. But our bozo picked the wrong weekend. This particular weekend motorcycle cops from across the country were in Ogden for a convention. In fact, several cops were washing their bikes nearby when they heard the street vendor’s cries for help. Before our bozo knew it he was surrounded by more motorcycle police officers than he had ever seen before in his life. Needless to say he was busted.