Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbus, Ohio where bozo Drtangyn Sewell walked into a drug store, grabbed the cash register off the counter and ran. Our bozo was in such a hurry to get away that he didn’t even notice that he had torn off the top part of the register, leaving the money drawers behind. The cops said it wasn’t hard to spot our bozo, running down the street, carrying an armload of machinery with dangling wires and cables.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Genoa, Italy where a gang of three bozos drilled a hole through the wall of a bank. The first two bozos slithered right on in. Our third bozo had stayed a little too long at the all you can eat pasta bar and couldn’t fit through the hole. So he just stayed outside and served as the lookout, right? Wrong. Keep in mind we’re dealing with bozos here. Instead he walked to the front door of the bank and banged on it, asking his buddies to let him in. Don’t know if they did, but we do know the closed circuit camera at the front door got a good enough picture of our bozo that he was apprehended the next day. Where’s Richard Simmons when you really need him?
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Bethlehem, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo John Powell who was driving down the shoulder of the road when a police officer spotted him. And what he saw caused the officer to immediately stop him. Our 180 pound bozo was cruising along at about three miles per hour on a Fisher Price Power Wheels kids tricycle and unbelievably it was holding up under his weight. Our bozo told the officer he was going to his uncle’s house but couldn’t offer any explanation as to why he chose to use a child’s toy to get there. He’s been charged with public drunkenness.
Bozo criminal for today is a two time loser. From the International File in Cairo, Egypt comes the story of a bozo was was truly down on his luck. First he was unlucky enough to be incarcerated for theft. His luck didn’t get any better when he ws included in a group of eight other cons who were attempting to break out. They made a human ladder, standing on each other’s shoulders and climbing over the prison wall. Our bozo was the poor guy at the bottom. The other prisoners used his shoulders as a step to freedom and he was left standing all by himself at the bottom of a 14 foot wall, looking for a way out. He didn’t find it.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Edwardsville, Pennsylvania where bozo Thomas Herndon stole a car. The police were notified and were alerted to be on the lookout for a stolen white vehicle. A short time later one of the patrol officers noticed something strange going on in the middle of a shopping center parking lot. Upon further inspection he discovered it was our bozo busily painting the stolen white car black. In full view of any and everyone in the parking lot. He’s been arrested.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File on the Island of Crete where two bozos robbed a bank and fled with their loot. Witnesses gave the cops a description of the getaway car and the police spotted them getting out of that car and entering a building. And that’s where our bozos got caught with their pants down. Literally. The police followed them in and caught them shedding their masks along with their trousers. Their plan was to change into swimming trunks to that they would blend in with the town’s many tourists. It didn’t work. They’re instead blending in with the prison population.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Martin Bennett for sending in today’s report. From the International File in London, England comes the story of bozo Andrew Collins who stole a woman’s bank debit card. Finding himself with some "free money" our bozo headed to the local betting parlor where he used the card to place two bets on horse races. Our bozo was obviously no slouch when it comes to picking the ponies as both his horses came in and he won $450. Only problem, since he used a debit card and couldn’t show a proper ID, the track simply paid the winnings into the debit card account rather than paying him in cash as he had expected. The woman whose card was stolen actually ended up with a $450 profit because shortly thereafter the bank stopped activity on the card and our bozo was apprehended.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From San Andreas, California comes the story of hungry bozo Sandy Osteen who stole a steak from an outdoor barbeque when no one was looking. She just sneaked up and grabbed it. It must have been one of those expensive certified Black Angus T-bones, too because the cops were called to investigate. Taking a look around, the officers noticed a trail of steak juice leading from the grill to the front door of a neighboring apartment. The cops found the steak hidden in our bozo’s bathroom. She was arrested on charges of receiving stolen property and on an outstanding warrant for another theft. (What was it this time, a barbequed chicken?)
Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7089: If you’re going to try to become a ticket scalper, be sure the tickets you are trying to sell have some value. From St. Petersburg, Florida comes the story of a team of bozos who had hopes of getting rich quick by scalping sports tickets. Our bozos used a stolen credit card to buy 180 tickets to a four game series between the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and the Seattle Mariners. They obviously failed to check the standings before they bought the tickets. The Devil Rays are the worst team in baseball and their attendance is the lowest in the league. In fact there were more than 125,000 empty seats for those four games. Needless to say there was almost no demand for the tickets and our bozos had sold only a couple before they were caught by the cops.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Branch for alerting us to this bozo from our own backyard. From Longview, Texas comes the story of bozo Suzanne Franklin who had been in jail for the last week after getting into a fight with her husband during an argument. Her hubby called her while she was in jail and, thinking they had patched things up, came down and bailed her out. Boy, was he wrong. They were scrapping again before they ever left the courthouse. Right in front of one of the deputies, bozo Suzanne threw a punch. It didn’t land but it did land her right back behind bars.
Bozo criminals for today come from San Antonio, Texas where Tony Allen and April Sanders held up branch of the Compass Bank. Fleeing the scene, they soon found themselves in a chase with the cops. Notice we didn’t say "high speed" chase. That’s because our bozos choice of a getaway vehicle was a rented U-Haul truck with a governor installed to prevent the truck from going faster than 65 miles per hour. It didn’t take long for the cops to catch and arrest them.
Bozo criminals for today come from Newark, New Jersey where a bozo group of counterfeiters made some big money, and that’s what ultimately got them into trouble. Our bozos presented $125 billion in fake bills as collateral to a brokerage house for a $650 million credit line supposedly for an African charity. A couple of things alerted the brokerage house that the money might be phony. The bills printed by our bozos were for $100 million. Yep, a $100 million dollar bill (uh, could you change this for me?) And the second problem-they forgot to put the letter "s" on "Dollars". They’ve been arrested.
We’ve said it time and again but still the bozos never learn-it’s not a good idea to use a cab as your getaway vehicle. From Montville, Connecticut comes the story of bozo Lance Haney and his friend Lori Smith. Bozo Lori got into a cab along with a friend at Dunkin’ Donuts. She then asked the cabbie to go across the street and pick up bozo Lance at the gas station. Lance had just robbed the place and when he jumped into the cab he shouted, "Go!Go!Go!" to the cabbie instead of giving him a destination. Then the driver heard the report on his police scanner about a robbery at a gas station. Putting two and two together our driver got going all right, straight to the nearby police barracks. He jumped out of the cab, tossed the keys into the woods and ran inside. The cops came out and arrested our bozos.
Don’t know if this actually happened on a Monday but our bozo was definitely having a "Monday" kind of day. From Ft. Myers, Florida comes the story of an unidentified bozo who jumped out of the bushes and robbed a Brinks armored car guard at gunpoint, spraying pepper spray in his face and getting away with a large bank bag. Our bozo’s excitement turned to disappointment when he opened the bag and discovered it contained no cash at all, only bank documents.
Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Matthews, Kentucky where bozo Thomas Morris was a little too greedy for his own good. Our bozo successfully stole a $75,000 Mercedes from a dealership by smashing through a closed garage door and simply driving out. This worked so well our bozo decided to try it again. The very next night. At the very same dealership. Breaking in through the very same door. With a completely different result. This time the dealership had increased security and the cops were on the lookout, resulting in our bozo’s quick capture.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club and the International File in Turin, Italy. 40 year old bozo Andre Como wanted a new girlfriend really, really, really badly. And it was how he went about meeting the woman of his dreams that got him into trouble. When bozo Andre would see a lovely woman drive by he would ram his car into hers, causing a minor accident. This gave him an opportunity to meet her, get her name and perhaps even take a picture or two of the damage with the woman conveniently in the shot. Don’t know if our bozo ever made a love connection but he was certainly busy. When the cops arrested him he was charged with causing 500 accidents and prosecutors searching his apartment turned up 2,159 photographs of female car owners and their damaged vehicles.
It’s always a treat when we have a bozo in our own backyard and that’s just what we have today. From Jacksonville, Texas comes the story of bozo Andre Meyers who held up the Fas-Fil convenience store, getting away with some cash and fleeing on foot. Our bozo ran to a nearby parking lot where his getaway car and driver were waiting. They then sped away-for about 20 feet. And then the getaway car ran out of gas. They were still trying to re-start the car when the police arrived.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio where police officers were called to a report of a car parked outside a bar with its lights on. There they found our bozo, James Bosley, sitting inside his car, sound asleep. That in itself is not a crime. It was the rolling paper in his hand and a big bag of marijuana in his lap that got him busted. Upon awakening our bozo admitted the pot was his and he was escorted to jail.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Calcutta, India comes the story of an unidentified bozo who noticed a group of men approaching his shop. Thinking they were rival gangsters he fled on foot, running down the street until he came to a nearby police station where he rushed in to take refuge. Much to his surprise the "gangsters" followed him right into the police station and once there proceeded to place him under arrest. The "gangsters" were undercover cops who were serving a warrant on our bozo and couldn’t believe their luck when he delivered himself to the police station.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Hanke for sending in today’s report. From Gainesville, Florida comes the story of bozo David Lance who violated Bozo Rule Number 8878: Always be smarter than the car you are trying to steal. Our bozo somehow managed to break into an Infiniti equipped with an antitheft device that automatically locks the car doors when an alarm is triggered. As soon as our bozo was inside the doors locked and try as he might he couldn’t find the switch on the driver’s side door that would have unlocked it and freed him. When the cops arrived they found him scrunched down in the back seat trying to hide. Didn’t work. He’s under arrest.