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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from the International File in Nanning, China. A Chinese businessman sought the services of a hitman, offering him $411, 883 to knock off a competitor. The hitman accepted the offer and then subcontracted out the job to another hitman, offering to pay him about half the original commission. Hitman number two accepted the job but then farmed the murder out to hitman number three, who accepted and passed it on to hitman number four who then hired hitman number five. By the time number five accepted the job, the commission was down to only $20,600. Not surprisingly, for such a low price, the fifth hitman got cold feet and contacted the would be target and asked him if he would mind faking his own death. Bad idea. The cops were contacted, and, after a long trial, all our bozos were convicted of attempted murder.

Our bozo for today comes from the Lonely Hearts Club division of the International File. Our unidentified 18-year-old bozo from Vechta, Germany was upset because his girlfriend, who is in prison, had broken up with him over the phone a few days earlier. So, he developed a bozo plan to win her back. He would climb the 13-foot wall at the prison to try to reach her window so he could talk to her. As he began to near the top of the fence, which was covered in barbed wire, he began to strip off his clothing so he wouldn’t get snagged on the wire. This attracted the attention of the guards. When he refused to come down on his own, the fire department was brought in and our bozo was plucked off the wall and placed under arrest, charged with trespassing and unauthorized contact with prisoners. No word on why he didn’t just get a visitors pass like everyone else.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Christmas Comes Earlier Every Year file. Police in Brea, California received a report of a man apparently passed out in his car around 7am. When they arrived, they found the man indeed fast asleep. It was what he was wearing that made this story worthy of being included in our report. Said bozo was dressed head to toe in a Santa Claus suit. Yep. In October. Our bozo offered up no explanation for his clothing choice as he was taken to jail to sleep it off.

Bozo criminal for today from Salt Lake City, Utah, had his eye on a home he wanted to buy. He made the owner a low-ball offer which was rejected. The next step is to make a counter offer, right? Wrong. The bozo approach is to just simply move in and start doing improvements as if you actually owned the place. And that’s what happened. The cops received a report of a bozo on the premises and told him to leave. But he returned the next day, this time bringing his own tools to do repairs. Again, the cops dispatched him. Ten days later, another report of our bozo on site. This time he had cut down trees and shrubs and had a refrigerator removed from the residence. Enough. He’s busted and charged with burglary and forgery, misdemeanor stalking, theft, criminal mischief and three counts of criminal trespass.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Iredell County, North Carolina, where 34-year-old bozo Sara Duncan broke into an occupied residence. The homeowner was shocked as she walked in, cursed at him, took a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom and walked out. The cops were called and our bozo was found in the driveway of the home. She offered no explanation on the reason for the crime or the fate of the toilet paper. She’s been charged with felony larceny after breaking and entering. Additional charges for squeezing the Charmin are pending.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, California, where bozo Lynette Hampton flagged down a police car and told the cop her car had run out of gas and needed help. The officer gave her a ride and even provided a gas can. Then, he ran the license plate and found the car had been reported stolen. Yep, our bozo car thief asked an officer for help after she ran out of gas. Duh! She’s been charged with vehicular theft AND possession of methamphetamine.

Bozo criminal for today from Mattoon, Illinois, violated Bozo Rule Number 837372: Don’t give the cops a fake name if you’re wearing a name tag and even more so if you have your name tattooed on your neck. That’s what was going on with bozo Matthew Barker who had the name “Matty B” tattooed on his neck. It was in plain view when cops investigating him for a forgery asked his name and he gave them a fake one. Things quickly went downhill from there. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Paducah, Kentucky, where bozo Cody Wilson walked into the Country Inn and Suites with a t-shirt over his face and a University of Alabama sock cap on his head. He pointed a gun at the clerk and demanded cash. The clerk tossed some money onto the counter and our bozo reached to grab it, laying his gun down in the process. Bad idea. The clerk grabbed the pistol and pointed it at our bozo who headed for the door. He didn’t get very far before he came up with the bright idea to return and ask the clerk for his gun back. Nothing doing, the clerk said and our bozo again ran out. He was stopped a short time later for a routine traffic stop and he acted so nervous that the officer decided to take a look inside the car. He found the t-shirt and cap and a computer that had been reported stolen earlier in the day. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where our unidentified bozo was upset with his noisy upstairs neighbors. So, what to do? Walk upstairs, bang on the door and yell at them to pipe down? Check. Unfortunately, the neighbors quickly started making noise again. So, what to do now? Go back and ask again? Nope. Call the cops? No way. Fire some shots into the ceiling? Yep, that ought to do it. Not sure if his aim was really bad or something else went awry, but somehow our bozo ended up shooting himself in the face. Yikes. He’s recovering in the hospital. No word if the neighbors ever quieted down.

Bozo criminal for today violated the original Bozo Rule: It’s not a good idea to challenge the cops. From Wharton, Texas, comes the story of bozo Jason Morales who was wanted by the cops on a burglary charge. After a detective called him and suggested that he turn himself in, he said he would, but only when he “felt like it.” He went on to say that the cops would have to find him first and he didn’t think they were up to the challenge. Bad idea. So, if you’ve challenged the cops to find you, perhaps you’d flee the area? Nope. Become a master of disguise and change your look? Too much trouble. Hide in the attic of your house, the first place the cops would look? Yep. Einstein is under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Coventry, England where bozo Daniel Blake walked into the local McDonalds, told the person behind the counter he was armed and demanded cash. The clerk replied that the only way he could open the cash drawer was if our bozo first purchased something. OK. He ordered a cheeseburger and gave the clerk cash to pay for it. He then made his getaway with lunch and about $170. A pretty successful day, right? Wrong. He tried the same trick again later in the day and the cops were on alert and captured him. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Casselberry, Florida, where bozo Gerardo Ramirez donned a gold dress and a red wig and held up a bank. He stuffed the cash in his backpack, walked out and ditched his disguise behind a bush. Things were going smoothly except for one small detail. A passing Seminole County deputy saw the whole thing and gave chase. A foot chase ensued with our bozo eventually circling back and stealing the deputy’s idling cruiser. Soon, he was being chased by several other deputies and he eventually crashed into another vehicle. Busted! Charged with battery on an officer, resisting an officer with violence and robbery with a firearm.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Janesville, Wisconsin, where our bozo walked into the Voigt Music Center. After milling around for awhile, he picked up a flute and stuffed it down the back of his pants. Yep, he tried to hide the flute in his butt crack. Unfortunately, the whole thing was done right in front of security cameras. The clerk confronted him as he attempted to leave, asking him what he had in his pants. Our bozo replied, “I got a flute, and that’s where I keep my flute.” After she pointed out that the price tag was still on it, our bozo surrendered the flute and left. Faced with what to do with a soiled glute flute, the store owner decided against ever trying to sell it again. He had the $500 flute made into a lamp.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Groveton, Texas, where bozo Gary Brown walked into the local bank, threatened the teller, and got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. So far, so good. Things started to unravel when the cops posted a security camera picture of our bozo on their Facebook page. His fiancee saw the picture and called our bozo to ask him what was going on. After initially denying it, our bozo decided to ‘fess up. Yep, that was him. He went on to explain that he needed the cash to pay for the ring and the venue for their upcoming wedding. Awww. He’s just a hopeless romantic. They’ll have to put the wedding off for awhile. She convinced him to give himself up. He’s under arrest, charged with bank robbery.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Toney, Alabama, where bozo Jennifer Hastings called the sheriffs office and requested that some officers be sent over to help her with a problem. When deputies arrived, our bozo pulled out a baggie of what appeared to be meth, threw it on the table and said, “I want this dope tested.” She went on to explain that she thought the meth was contaminated with another substance. While the officers appreciated her honesty, she was nevertheless busted, charged with possession of a controlled substance.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Augustine, Florida, home of the Alligator Farm Zoological Park. Cops were called around 6:50 in the morning to a report of a man, clad only in his underwear, crawling in a yard near the park. About that same time, someone from the park also called the cops to report a pair of Crocs shoes and a pair of shorts floating in one of the park’s alligator ponds. There was also a bloody trail leading to the top of a 20-foot structure near the pond. It didn’t take much detective work to put two and two together. When the cops found our bozo, clad only in his boxer shorts, he claimed that he had been “bitten by an alligator.” He later admitted that he had broken into the park to swim with the alligators, had been attacked, and climbed up the structure to escape. Video footage showed a nine foot gator attacking him as he tried to get away, losing his shorts and Crocs in the process. Busted! Charged with burglary and criminal mischief.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Indian River County, Florida. Our bozo found himself locked out of his vehicle, so he did what any bozo would do, he called 911 for help. Not once, not twice, but three times within a five minute period. Officials verified no children or animals were locked in the vehicle, so it was not considered an emergency situation. He was advised to call a non-emergency number for help. When he continued to demand that the cops unlock his car, it was determined that the car was registered to another person. Officers are only allowed to unlock a car for the registered owner. End of story, right? Nope. Mr. Persistent waited until after the cop had left and called 911 again, repeating his demands. This time when the officer returned, our bozo was arrested for abuse of 911. No word on whether the car was ever unlocked.

No real criminal activity in today’s report from the International File in Stoke-on-Trent but we couldn’t let this one go by without mention. Since he’s no bozo, we’ll simply call him “our hero” and he was shopping at a men’s wear store. He was checking out with about $500 worth of merchandise when the store manager gave him a once over. The manager noticed what he thought was a suspicious bulge in our hero’s pants. The man replied that it was just “the way he was made.” The manager’s suspicious questioning continued until our hero finally dropped his pants right there in the store and showed everyone that he indeed had nothing to hide. Case closed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Otago, New Zealand. It seems bozo Karl Lansford had borrowed a Subaru from a friend six months ago and hadn’t returned it. Unfortunately, the rightful owner of the car showed up to retrieve it just as our bozo was returning home from a big night of drinking. Big, as in 48 beers. Not surprisingly, drunk bozo was in no mood to negotiate the return of the car. Before the owner could drive away, our bozo grabbed an axe from the garage and did extensive damage to the vehicle. And for good measure, he also took the axe to an innocent Nissan which had the misfortune of being parked nearby. The cops were called and our bozo was sentenced to 12 months’ supervision, 150 hours’ community work and ordered to pay $1500 for the damage he caused with the axe.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael McPherson for sending in today’s report from Jackson, Mississippi. It seems Bozo A stole a vehicle from a gas station around 4 am. Police were looking for Bozo A when the got a call of an accident involving two vehicles at 5:23 am. It seems Bozo B, also in a stolen vehicle, crashed into Bozo A, disabling Bozo A’s vehicle. Bozo B fled only to crash his vehicle again a few blocks away. Final score: Two wrecked stolen vehicles, two shaken up bozos considering taking driver education classes.