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No real criminal activity involved here but we couldn’t let this one go without mention. A train rider at a New York station noticed what appeared to be some suspicious packages sitting around inside the train station. The cops were called and service was disrupted while an investigation ensued. Indeed there were some six-foot-tall packages inside the station. But they weren’t as suspicious as it might seem. Turns out the boxes contained the Metro Transit Authority’s Help Point System, a brand new technology designed to…wait for it…allow consumers to report suspicious packages. The boxes were removed and train service resumed with only a short delay.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Limestone County, Alabama. Garbage collectors there noticed something unusual in a trash pickup outside our bozo’s house. Large trash bags filled with paper. Printed paper. The curious garbage man took a closer look and found the sheets of paper were actually printed $20 bills. Apparently our would-be bozo counterfeiter was running a little test to get his fake bills just right. The bags were turned over to the cops who discovered that our bozo was a bit of a recycler, also. One of the fake bills was printed on the back of an Alabama Pardons and Paroles receipt issued to our bozo back in August. Oops. He’s busted and booked into jail on felony counterfeiting charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Crystal City Missouri, where a laundromat was burglarized and about $600 taken from a vending machine. Not Bozo Report material, you say? Correct, except for one small detail. The laundromat had security cameras which got a good picture of our bozo doing the deed. And it was his choice of attire that landed him in the Bozo spotlight. His T-Shirt was emblazoned with the phrase, “It’s not a crime unless you get caught.” Armed with photographic evidence, cops hope to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kankakee, Illinois, where the local sheriff’s department has a tradition of posting pictures of fugitives on its Facebook page on “Warrant Wednesday.” This week, Warrant Wednesday just happened to fall on the day before Halloween and one of the pictures posted was of Brandon Conrad, who was wanted on a drunk driving charge. Our bozo was inspired to reply to the post, saying, “Where’s my costume?” The cops obliged and photoshopped a cute little sailor’s outfit on his mugshot, along with the challenge that since they did their part, he should do his by turning himself in. Surprisingly, our bozo responded that he would be there by noon and to have the paperwork ready. He did and he’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Perth Scotland, where Bozo Phillip McDonald was trying to sneak a cell phone into Perth Prison by attaching it to a drone. Guards spotted the drone and cops were called. It was then that our bozo sprang into action to craft his Bozo Excuse. He landed the drone, threw it into the trunk of his car and then immediately drove onto a dead end street. He jumped a fence and attempted to hide in some bushes but was quickly found. It was then that he went into elaborate detail about just what he was doing. He said he was looking for his stolen chihuahua that he believed had been taken prisoner by members of a Romanian circus. And the circus troupe just happened to be camped out near the prison. And as for his reason for being in the bushes? He said he had downed a litre of vodka while searching and had collapsed. Surprisingly, the cops didn’t believe his story. He’s been charged with trying to fly a drone into a prison.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from the International File in Nanning, China. A Chinese businessman sought the services of a hitman, offering him $411, 883 to knock off a competitor. The hitman accepted the offer and then subcontracted out the job to another hitman, offering to pay him about half the original commission. Hitman number two accepted the job but then farmed the murder out to hitman number three, who accepted and passed it on to hitman number four who then hired hitman number five. By the time number five accepted the job, the commission was down to only $20,600. Not surprisingly, for such a low price, the fifth hitman got cold feet and contacted the would be target and asked him if he would mind faking his own death. Bad idea. The cops were contacted, and, after a long trial, all our bozos were convicted of attempted murder.

Our bozo for today comes from the Lonely Hearts Club division of the International File. Our unidentified 18-year-old bozo from Vechta, Germany was upset because his girlfriend, who is in prison, had broken up with him over the phone a few days earlier. So, he developed a bozo plan to win her back. He would climb the 13-foot wall at the prison to try to reach her window so he could talk to her. As he began to near the top of the fence, which was covered in barbed wire, he began to strip off his clothing so he wouldn’t get snagged on the wire. This attracted the attention of the guards. When he refused to come down on his own, the fire department was brought in and our bozo was plucked off the wall and placed under arrest, charged with trespassing and unauthorized contact with prisoners. No word on why he didn’t just get a visitors pass like everyone else.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Christmas Comes Earlier Every Year file. Police in Brea, California received a report of a man apparently passed out in his car around 7am. When they arrived, they found the man indeed fast asleep. It was what he was wearing that made this story worthy of being included in our report. Said bozo was dressed head to toe in a Santa Claus suit. Yep. In October. Our bozo offered up no explanation for his clothing choice as he was taken to jail to sleep it off.

Bozo criminal for today from Salt Lake City, Utah, had his eye on a home he wanted to buy. He made the owner a low-ball offer which was rejected. The next step is to make a counter offer, right? Wrong. The bozo approach is to just simply move in and start doing improvements as if you actually owned the place. And that’s what happened. The cops received a report of a bozo on the premises and told him to leave. But he returned the next day, this time bringing his own tools to do repairs. Again, the cops dispatched him. Ten days later, another report of our bozo on site. This time he had cut down trees and shrubs and had a refrigerator removed from the residence. Enough. He’s busted and charged with burglary and forgery, misdemeanor stalking, theft, criminal mischief and three counts of criminal trespass.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Iredell County, North Carolina, where 34-year-old bozo Sara Duncan broke into an occupied residence. The homeowner was shocked as she walked in, cursed at him, took a roll of toilet paper from the bathroom and walked out. The cops were called and our bozo was found in the driveway of the home. She offered no explanation on the reason for the crime or the fate of the toilet paper. She’s been charged with felony larceny after breaking and entering. Additional charges for squeezing the Charmin are pending.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincoln, California, where bozo Lynette Hampton flagged down a police car and told the cop her car had run out of gas and needed help. The officer gave her a ride and even provided a gas can. Then, he ran the license plate and found the car had been reported stolen. Yep, our bozo car thief asked an officer for help after she ran out of gas. Duh! She’s been charged with vehicular theft AND possession of methamphetamine.

Bozo criminal for today from Mattoon, Illinois, violated Bozo Rule Number 837372: Don’t give the cops a fake name if you’re wearing a name tag and even more so if you have your name tattooed on your neck. That’s what was going on with bozo Matthew Barker who had the name “Matty B” tattooed on his neck. It was in plain view when cops investigating him for a forgery asked his name and he gave them a fake one. Things quickly went downhill from there. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Paducah, Kentucky, where bozo Cody Wilson walked into the Country Inn and Suites with a t-shirt over his face and a University of Alabama sock cap on his head. He pointed a gun at the clerk and demanded cash. The clerk tossed some money onto the counter and our bozo reached to grab it, laying his gun down in the process. Bad idea. The clerk grabbed the pistol and pointed it at our bozo who headed for the door. He didn’t get very far before he came up with the bright idea to return and ask the clerk for his gun back. Nothing doing, the clerk said and our bozo again ran out. He was stopped a short time later for a routine traffic stop and he acted so nervous that the officer decided to take a look inside the car. He found the t-shirt and cap and a computer that had been reported stolen earlier in the day. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Phoenix, Arizona, where our unidentified bozo was upset with his noisy upstairs neighbors. So, what to do? Walk upstairs, bang on the door and yell at them to pipe down? Check. Unfortunately, the neighbors quickly started making noise again. So, what to do now? Go back and ask again? Nope. Call the cops? No way. Fire some shots into the ceiling? Yep, that ought to do it. Not sure if his aim was really bad or something else went awry, but somehow our bozo ended up shooting himself in the face. Yikes. He’s recovering in the hospital. No word if the neighbors ever quieted down.

Bozo criminal for today violated the original Bozo Rule: It’s not a good idea to challenge the cops. From Wharton, Texas, comes the story of bozo Jason Morales who was wanted by the cops on a burglary charge. After a detective called him and suggested that he turn himself in, he said he would, but only when he “felt like it.” He went on to say that the cops would have to find him first and he didn’t think they were up to the challenge. Bad idea. So, if you’ve challenged the cops to find you, perhaps you’d flee the area? Nope. Become a master of disguise and change your look? Too much trouble. Hide in the attic of your house, the first place the cops would look? Yep. Einstein is under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Coventry, England where bozo Daniel Blake walked into the local McDonalds, told the person behind the counter he was armed and demanded cash. The clerk replied that the only way he could open the cash drawer was if our bozo first purchased something. OK. He ordered a cheeseburger and gave the clerk cash to pay for it. He then made his getaway with lunch and about $170. A pretty successful day, right? Wrong. He tried the same trick again later in the day and the cops were on alert and captured him. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Casselberry, Florida, where bozo Gerardo Ramirez donned a gold dress and a red wig and held up a bank. He stuffed the cash in his backpack, walked out and ditched his disguise behind a bush. Things were going smoothly except for one small detail. A passing Seminole County deputy saw the whole thing and gave chase. A foot chase ensued with our bozo eventually circling back and stealing the deputy’s idling cruiser. Soon, he was being chased by several other deputies and he eventually crashed into another vehicle. Busted! Charged with battery on an officer, resisting an officer with violence and robbery with a firearm.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Janesville, Wisconsin, where our bozo walked into the Voigt Music Center. After milling around for awhile, he picked up a flute and stuffed it down the back of his pants. Yep, he tried to hide the flute in his butt crack. Unfortunately, the whole thing was done right in front of security cameras. The clerk confronted him as he attempted to leave, asking him what he had in his pants. Our bozo replied, “I got a flute, and that’s where I keep my flute.” After she pointed out that the price tag was still on it, our bozo surrendered the flute and left. Faced with what to do with a soiled glute flute, the store owner decided against ever trying to sell it again. He had the $500 flute made into a lamp.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Groveton, Texas, where bozo Gary Brown walked into the local bank, threatened the teller, and got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. So far, so good. Things started to unravel when the cops posted a security camera picture of our bozo on their Facebook page. His fiancee saw the picture and called our bozo to ask him what was going on. After initially denying it, our bozo decided to ‘fess up. Yep, that was him. He went on to explain that he needed the cash to pay for the ring and the venue for their upcoming wedding. Awww. He’s just a hopeless romantic. They’ll have to put the wedding off for awhile. She convinced him to give himself up. He’s under arrest, charged with bank robbery.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Toney, Alabama, where bozo Jennifer Hastings called the sheriffs office and requested that some officers be sent over to help her with a problem. When deputies arrived, our bozo pulled out a baggie of what appeared to be meth, threw it on the table and said, “I want this dope tested.” She went on to explain that she thought the meth was contaminated with another substance. While the officers appreciated her honesty, she was nevertheless busted, charged with possession of a controlled substance.