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Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this one. From the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada comes the story of a 17 and 18 year old bozo team who ordered several pizzas and then accosted the delivery man, taking four pizzas as well as cash. Our bozos then spotted his car and decided, heck, they might as well steal that, too. Unfortunately, neither one of the teens could drive a standard transmission and after several failed attempts to get it to go, they went back to their original plan and fled on foot with the pizzas. The police arrived on the scene quickly enough to see one of our bozos entering the home where the pizzas were to have been delivered. The cops placed them under arrest and recovered the pizzas to boot.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story. From Marked Tree, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Michael Burns who broke into the downtown bank by smashing the glass door. Immediately upon entering the bank our bozo looked directly into the security camera, his first mistake. His second mistake was breaking in after hours when all the money was locked up. So he grabbed whatever he could find, a clock radio, a compact disc player and a fistful of the candy that bank employees give to children. Grabbing that candy was his third mistake. Eating it on the way home and leaving a trail of wrappers all the way to his trailer house was his fourth mistake. And the name of that candy that our bozo was so fond of? "Dum Dums" of course.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Spring Hill, Florida comes the story of bozo David Ortega and his girlfriend Cynthia Cavasos. This loving couple were the proud parents of the first child born in the New Year in Florida’s Hernando county, and were more than willing to pose for a picture and give an interview to a newspaper reporter. All of which would have been fine except Papa was wanted by the cops on a probation violation. One of the officers noticed his picture in the paper and paid a little visit to the maternity ward. Yep, our bozo was still there. Yep, he was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Donald Stephens for sending in today’s report. From Topeka, Kansas comes the story of bozo Howard Phillips who should perhaps consider moving to a warmer climate. On a recent chilly night in Topeka bozo Howard fled when confronted by the police during an attempted robbery. Seeking a place to hide, our bozo took refuge in the chilly waters of an outdoor swimming pool. Not a good idea. When the cops fished him out, he was blue and his body temperature had reached 87 degrees. He’s thawing out in a nice warm jail.

Bozo criminal for today isn’t really a criminal, but he’s so dumb it’s a crime. From Bennington, Vermont comes the story of 18 year old bozo Nicolas Parra who was arrested for reckless driving after his pickup sideswiped a utility pole. It was the reason he gave to the officers for the accident that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the cop that there was a short in one of his truck’s stereo speaker wires and he deliberately ran into the pole, hoping to jar the speaker back into working order. Don’t know if it worked but we’re only sorry it didn’t jar any sense into him.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Gaithersburg, Maryland where there had been a number of new appliances stolen from townhomes that were being built. Police were on the site investigating the theft of a refrigerator from one of the homes when they noticed our bozo Freddie Simon pull up in his pickup. He backed the truck up to the dumpster on the site and tossed in…a large cardboard box that the refrigerator he had stolen had come in. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pat Kevin for contributing our final bozo story for 2002. From Genoa, Illinois comes the story of 18 year old bozo Jordan Barton who called the cops to report a safe containing close to $10,000 had been stolen from his apartment. The good news for our bozo is that the police recovered the safe, with the money still inside, after apprehending a friend of Barton’s, who allegedly stole it. So where’s the bozo part of the story, you ask? It’s that our bozo failed to tell the cops that, in addition to the money, there were also 229 grams of psychedelic mushrooms inside the safe. Uh-oh. He’s been charged with possession with intent to distribute.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Cynthia Kindler-Thomas for sending in this one. From Bethlehem, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Christopher Carter who burst into a convenience store and threatened the clerk, demanding money. The clerk didn’t take his threat too seriously, however, due to our bozo’s poor choice of weapon. He simply covered a plastic roll of M&Ms candies with a brown envelope and pointed it at her, hoping she’d think it was a gun. No luck, she simply swatted the envelope away, revealing the candy (maybe he should have used fruitcake instead). Our bozo fled, leaving behind the candy and a meal ticket, with his name on it, which led to his quick arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where bozo Edney Rivera fled the scene of an assault on foot with the cops in hot pursuit. Sprinting down the sidewalk and fearing that the cops were gaining on him, our bozo turned his head around to take a look and ran smack into a parking meter. The officers helped him up and hauled him away.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Sgt. Thomas C. Thomason of the Sun City, Arizona sheriff’s posse for today’s report. It’s the story of bozo Frank Hart who was in the process of burglarizing a business when a couple of sheriff’s deputies noticed him. The cops ordered our bozo to put his hands up, but he ran. Right down an alley and right up to a cement wall. A big wall, too, about five feet tall and two feet thick. Our bozo must have been running on adrenaline, because he scaled it in nothing flat. Probably the biggest mistake he made that day. He had climbed into the Sun City Sheriff’s posse compound where he found himself surrounded by 15 patrol cars. He was quickly arrested.

Merry Christmas

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the Local Bozo File. From Tyler, Texas, comes the story of a couple of teenage bozos who worked for a local electronics retailer. The two somehow figured a way to activate the gift cards that the store sells and went on a little shopping spree. After allegedly trying to purchase a Palm Pilot, a minidisc recorder and some video games, our bozos ran into trouble at the checkout counter. The cashier suspected something was up when she ran the gift card through the register and noticed that it wasn’t for the usual $20, $50 or $100. Nope, our bozos had made themselves a gift card worth $100,000. The cops were called, and our high rollers were arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa, California, where bozo Tyrone Brown stole a Chrysler PT Cruiser from a car dealership. Our bozo hadn’t driven very far when he noticed that the car was low on fuel. Thinking he could bring it back and exchange it for one with more gas, our bozo drove slowly back by the dealership. Unfortunately, the police were there investigating the crime and spotted our bozo as he drove by. A brief chase ensued with the police catching up to our bozo when his car ran out of gas.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 8765: When robbing a store, it’s always a good idea to check out the guy in line behind you. From Muskegon, Michigan comes the story of bozo Ivory Lee Harper who pointed a derringer at the clerk of the local Walgreen’s and demanded money. A customer standing in line waiting to pay for a big bottle of mouthwash saw what was going on and whacked our bozo over the head with his Listerine. They say Listerine knocks out bad breath, in this case it knocked our bozo out long enough for a couple of other customers to pin him to the floor until the police could arrive.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jack Decker for sending in today’s report. From Lansing, Michigan comes the story of bozo Jack Yates who was on trial for assault. As the jury was deliberating his fate, our bozo decided to flee during the lunch break. When they returned with their guilty verdict, our bozo was nowhere to be found. Police were still looking for him when he turned up at the state Attorney General’s office to complain about improper treatment during his trial. He’s had a new charge of absconding on bond added to his other problems.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fulton, Kentucky where bozo William Hennessey was celebrating his 52nd birthday by having a big pot party with several of his friends. After receiving several complaints about smoke coming from our bozo’s house, police stopped by to investigate. No, the house wasn’t on fire. Our bozo had decided to turn his home into the world’s largest bong. Officers found a large amount of marijuana burning on a grill just outside his back door and a huge fan in the front door pulling smoke through the house. It was his bright idea to provide enough smoke in the house that everyone wouldn’t have to light up separately. Happy birthday. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Berlin, Germany where an unidentified bozo walked into a lottery ticket shop and demanded cash, threatening the owner with an air pistol. His tactics didn’t frighten the owner’s wife, who grabbed an nearby can of holiday glitter spray and sprayed our bozo in the face. Stunned, he quickly fled the store, leaving his wallet behind on the counter. A short time later, still covered in glitter, he showed up at the police station to report his wallet stolen. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today were somewhat lacking in the Christmas spirit. From Skowhegan, Maine comes the story of a group of bozos who stole 27 Christmas trees from a local lot, backing a flat bed trailer up and simply hauling them away. Police shouldn’t have any trouble tracking the thieves down, however. They backed that trailer a little too far into a snowbank and when they pulled away they left their trailer’s license plate behind, stuck in the snow.

Bozo criminal for today got tripped up by an urban legend. Bozo Wanda Malloy of Surrey, British Columbia, Canada had heard that if you dial an extra one after the 911 emergency number it would tell you if the police were tapping your phone. Since she was the owner of a large marijuana farm, phone taps were a concern. So, she decided to give it a try. She hung up as soon as she realized that even with the extra one, the number went straight through to the cops. Police, fearing something was wrong, rushed to her home to investigate. There they found our bozo, along with all her pot plants. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania where bozo Aaron Blalock worked for the local KFC. Our bozo saw how much money the place took in so he thought it might be ripe for a robbery. He showed up one evening, without a mask or any disguise and demanded money. Unfortunately he had forgotten the safe was on a time lock so he left empty-handed, but not before all his fellow employees recognized him. He skipped town after his failed robbery attempt, right? Wrong. He showed up for his regular shift three days later like nothing had happened. The manager called the cops and our bozo was arrested.