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(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Baltimore, Maryland, where bozo Edwin Grimes wanted to be a policeman really, really bad. So bad, in fact, that he just couldn’t tell a lie when he was being interviewed for a job with the Baltimore Police Department. When the officer asked him if he had ever committed a crime, he answered "yes" and proceeded to tell him that back home in Texas, he’d robbed five people and also been involved in a carjacking. Maybe he thought they’d be impressed with his experience. They weren’t. He’s been arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ft. Worth, Texas where perhaps bozo Fred McDugan was trying to conserve our natural resources when he walked into a Wells Fargo bank and handed the teller a holdup note written on an old sheet of paper. He got his cash and was out of the building before the teller turned the sheet over and saw just what it was. It was our bozo’s resume with a piece of black construction paper covering his name. The cops peeled away the tape and quickly made the arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee where bozo John Hastings was pulled over by the cops for a broken taillight. As the officers were approaching the car, our bozo jumped from the vehicle and ran into the nearby woods. The officers’ calls to our bozo went unanswered so one of them shouted that since he hadn’t surrendered, they were going to turn their police dog loose. Of course, they had no dog but the other officer could do a good imitation, so he started barking. Must have been a vicious sounding bark, too, because after only a minute or so our bozo stood up and said, "I’m here. Call off the dog." He’s very embarrassed and very arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Springfield Township, Ohio comes the story of bozo Dwayne Franklin who broke into the basement of a home and helped himself to a color tv, a couple of guns and a sump pump. (In the long and storied history of the Bozo Criminal Report this is the first time anyone’s ever stolen a sump pump) For reasons known only to the bozo mind as he was stealing the sump pump, our bozo took his wallet out of his pocket and laid it on the washing machine right next to the pump. He took the pump but left the wallet. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Carol Wekar for sending in today’s report. The hot weather this time of the year is taking its toll on everyone and our bozos are no exception. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Bryan Clark who locked himself inside his home in a standoff with the cops. The standoff was into its fourth hour on a hundred degree day when someone decided to call the power company to ask them to cut off the power to the residence, which of course turned off the air conditioner. Our bozo surrendered within two minutes of the air conditioner shutting off.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Leesville, Louisiana where bozo James Lucas had plans to rob a convenience store and then set fire to the place to destroy any evidence. He burst into the store and took three people hostage for a brief time before deciding it was time to torch the place. He let the hostages go, set the fire and made his getaway. Only one thing was missing from his plan. In the heat of the moment, he forgot to rob the hostages or take any money from the store. Un-oh. Realizing that things just weren’t working out for him, he turned himself in.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Skerczak for sending in today’s report. From Martin County, Florida comes the story of bozo Michael Massey who was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of drunken driving. The officer’s suspicions were confirmed when he saw the open bottle of rum in the seat next to our bozo. He was writing out the citation when our bozo came up with an offer that sealed his fate and secured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. Reaching into the glove compartment, our bozo pulled out a stack of Dunkin’ Donuts coupons and said, "You can have all these if you’ll just let me park the car and walk home." He did let him park it, so he could haul him to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Helgerson for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil comes the story of bozo Anderlei Santos who stole a car and along with it the cell phone that was inside. The desperate owner called our bozo on the phone and negotiated the return of his vehicle for a ransom of $345. So far, so good, right? Wrong. When he worked out the deal for the payment of the ransom, our bozo told the man he could just deposit the money into his bank account, giving him his name and account number. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Barstow, California where bozo Joy Thompson was pulled over by the cops for driving with expired plates. Bozo Joy, knowing there was a warrant out for her arrest on drug charges, claimed instead that she was her twin sister Nicole. She might have gotten away with her little ruse except for one small detail. There was also a warrant our for twin sister Nicole. Bozo Joy’s under arrest with the additional charge of impersonating another person added to her rap sheet. Don’t know the whereabouts of sister Nicole.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Canada where bozo Richard Carter was stopped at a Saskatchewan border crossing. A customs agent noticed our bozo acting nervously. And when he took a closer look at his shirt, he noticed several moving bulges underneath. Upon further inspection it was discovered that our bozo was attempting to smuggle four pigeons across the border by hiding them under his shirt. But it was the reason he offered the officers for having the birds under there that sent him to the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told them he only had the birds under his shirt because they were cold.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Stockholm, Sweden and it proves the old adage that if you’re a bozo and at first you don’t succeed, don’t try again. Our bozos had a plan to break into an electronics store by drilling through the wall from a neighboring suite of offices. On their first attempt, instead of boring into the electronics store, they drilled into a newspaper office housed in the same building. So they moved over a few feet and drilled again. This time they bored into an optician’s office (maybe they should have stolen some glasses while they were there). Undeterred, they tried a third time and broke into an empty office. On their fourth try, they hit paydirt, the electronics store. Unfortunately, they also set off the burglar alarm. Having finally had enough, they left. Police are looking for them.

Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 3342: Before stealing something, it’s a good idea to brush up on your geography. From the International File in Bridgewater, Nova Scotia, Canada comes the story of three teenagers who stole a boat and took it for a little joy ride. After beaching the craft, they decided to set it afire to get rid of the evidence. This might have been a good idea except for one little thing. Our bozos didn’t realize they had come ashore on an island. An uninhabited island with no other way to get off it except for the now burned out boat. Our bozos had to first be rescued before they could be arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report. From Harrisburg, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Shane Easley who had escaped from a nearby prison. Needing a place to crash, our bozo checked into the local Comfort Inn. When the clerk asked for identification, our bozo presented the only one he had, his prison ID. The clerk, who had heard about the escape, first gave him a room and then called the cops. When the police arrived, they found a woman in the room but no bozo. She told them he had gone to the liquor store. When he returned from his beer run he was taken into custody.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester, Minnesota where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank, flashed a gun and demanded cash. Bank employees said he seemed a little nervous, a little fidgety. In fact, he left the building before getting his cash. Maybe he left because it dawned on him that he had locked his keys in his rusty old pickup outside. After a couple of minutes of trying in vain to get inside, he walked over to a nearby house and asked for a coat hanger. Suspecting that something was up, they wouldn’t give him one. Finally, getting desperate, our bozo took out his gun, broke the window and drove away. Not only did he not leave with any money, the window is probably going to cost more to fix than the old truck is worth.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Terry Romanishen for sending in today’s report. From Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada coems the story of bozo Robert Martin who made a number of errors in his quest to rob a gas station. First, he ran out of gas before he ever got there, leaving himself stranded on the side of the road in a stolen car. Driving the stolen car to the robbery was his second error. And his third and fatal error was flagging down a patrol car that passed by. The cops ran a quick license check, discovered the car was stolen and arrested our bozo.

Another story today that helps to confirm that bozos and cell phones just don’t mix. From Hicksville, New York comes the story of 19 year old bozo Ryan Barker who, with the help of an accomplice broke into a residence. As they were ransacking the place, bozo Ryan accidentally hit the redial button on his cell phone. The call went to the voice mail of a girlfriend of the victim, who our bozo had called earlier in the day. The tape contained audio of our bozo and his friend casually chatting about the items they were stealing. Later, when the girlfriend checked her voice mail, she realized what was going on and called the cops. They tracked down our bozo and found the loot still in his car.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Andy Ilott for sending in today’s report. From the International File in London, England comes the story of bozo Charles Peters who was cruising around Gatwick airport looking for bags to steal. And of all the bags to select, our bozo picked the worst possible one. He grabbed the bag of former world super middleweight champion Nigel Benn. Needless to say, the former champ didn’t take the idea of his bag being stolen lightly. He gave chase and held our bozo in a firm headlock until the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1108: Eat a hearty lunch before attempting your crime. From San Antonio, Texas comes the story of bozo Frank Spencer who held up the local branch of Guaranty Bank, getting away with about $5000. He left the bank and was trying to hail a taxi when it occurred to him he hadn’t had lunch. So he went into the B&B Smokehouse near the bank and ordered himself the $5.99 "Po-Boy and fries" lunch special. He was sitting at a table enjoying his lunch when the cops arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jamie Axthelm for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Arnsberg, Germany comes the story of a bozo who suffered the ultimate humiliation. He broke into a doctor’s office, climbing in through a skylight. When it came time to leave our bozo noticed, much to his distress, that he was too short to reach the skylight so he couldn’t go back out the way he came in. After attempts to escape via doors and windows failed, he did the only thing left to do. He called the police for help. They were more than glad to come by and free him before locking him up.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marsfield, Wisconsin where bozo Joel Porter put on a mask, walked into a pharmacy, strolled up to the counter, configured his fingers into a gun shape, pointed them at the cashier and demanded money. Not surprisingly, the cashier said "You’ve got to be kidding" and reached over and grabbed his gun, er, his hand. He also pulled off our bozo’s mask to reveal him as someone known to the pharmacist for forging prescriptions. Our bozo fled, but the cops soon tracked him down and arrested him.