Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 1777: Before committing your crime, cover any identifiable features. From Long Beach, Mississippi comes the story of bozo Samuel Morton who was convicted of armed robbery after a witness identified him by a tattoo on his neck. The tattoo was of a gun with the words "not guilty" under it. Maybe he can have the "not" removed.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fitchburg, Massachusetts where bozos Octavio Salas and Jose Carrera had stashed about $100,000 worth of cocaine in their car. And they were in a big hurry to get at it. You see, they’d hidden the dope inside the car’s gas tank and they just didn’t want to take time to drain the tank before going after it with a power saw. Sparks from the saw ignited the gas fumes, burning up the cocaine and scorching our bozos. They’ve recovered and are now in jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where bozo Mike Malcolm passed a hold up note to a teller at the local bank. She gave him some cash and he made a quick getaway. And he was captured just as quickly. The hold up note was written on the back of one of his personal checks, and on the front, of course, was his complete name, address and phone number. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. What’s that old story about not counting your chickens until they’re hatched? How about this rule for bozos–don’t count your money until you get home? From Lewiston, Maine comes the story of bozos Daniel Shaw and Brian King who held up a convenience store and made a quick getaway. Police were getting ready to go to work on the case when they received word of an accident outside of town. Investigators discovered the getaway car crashed into a tree with our dazed bozos still inside and money scattered everywhere. Police believe they were counting their take while traveling at a high rate of speed when the accident occurred. They were treated for cuts and bruises before being arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Olpe, Germany where an unidentified bozo tried to shoplift 177 packs of cigarettes…by stuffing them down his pants. Hope it was the soft pack and not the box-that could have been painful! He tried to sneak out with the help of three accomplices who formed a protective shield by holding newspapers in front of his bulging trousers. Witnesses said this drew almost as much attention to him as his "funny walk." He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today is from the Domestic Dispute file. From Liberal, Kansas comes the story of bozo Anessa May Harris who admitted to making several bomb threats against a local bank. Her confession came after officers put together that the threats came every time her husband went into the bank to check the balance in her checking account. She had made numerous overdrafts on the account and every time her husband would go down to check it out, she would call in a bomb threat to keep him from finding out. She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Santa Rosa, California where perhaps bozo Gabriel Ortega was thinking about Christmas when he spotted a cute teddy bear. And the more he thought about it the more he just had to have that bear. And even the seven foot high glass barrier couldn’t keep our bozo away. He scaled it with ease and snatched the $10 bear and stuffed it into his pocket. Now this whole incident would have gone down as a simple shoplifting except for one thing. The bear was one of several that were used as fund raisers for local youth activities. Activities sponsored by the police department. And the display case that he stole the bear from was inside the police station. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Forgey for sending in today’s report. From the "out of the mouths of babes" file in Orlando Florida comes the story of bozo Navera Norris’s baby who accidentally hit the 911 emergency button on the telephone. The dispatcher who took the call heard only gibberish and baby sounds and immediately called back. That’s when our bozo answered, assuring the operator that everything was fine. Guess she didn’t know it was policy to check out all 911 calls and when a deputy sheriff came calling our bozo immediately opened the door and invited him in. The first thing he noticed once he was inside was a pile of marijuana, several bags of cocaine and mounds of cash on the coffee table. About $70,000 in cash and $20,000 worth of cocaine. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Belo Horizonte, Brazil where three unidentified bozos robbed a house and got away with a stereo, a TV and a couple of mobile phones. When they ran into difficulty selling their stolen merchandise, they did what any bozo would do. They returned to the house, knocked on the door and asked if the owners would be so kind as to give them receipts for the goods they had stolen. Bad idea. They’re under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Greenville, South Carolina where two bozo homeowners got a little too involved in their fall yard cleanup. A police officer was called Sunday morning after one bozo blew his leaves into his neighbor’s lawn. The other bozo retaliated by blowing the leaves back into bozo number one’s yard. They blew the leaves back and forth for a while then started blowing air directly into each other’s face. It escalated from there when bozo number two head butted bozo number one several times. Bozo number one then retreated into his house, only to be challenged by number two to "come out and fight like a man." And that’s just what he did, emerging from his house with a hammer. The cops got things settled down before either bozo did serious bodily harm to the other.
With the holiday season upon us, we realize that it’s important to look your very best, but our bozo for this morning may have taken that a little too far. From Detroit, Michigan comes the story of bozo LaShawn Moore who walked into a nail salon, had her nails done and, after they dried, robbed the owner and three customers at gunpoint. She then rushed out to her car where her two young children waited, unaware of what she had done. Unfortunately someone in the shop recognized her and gave the police her name. She should’ve had enough cash to pay for her own nail job, as police say that before being arrested she’d committed six robberies in a 48 hour period.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Lawrence Torres for sending in today’s report. From Kenner, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Barry Jones who walked into a bar and asked the bartender, who he knew, for a cigarette. When the bartender refused to give him one, our bozo left only to come back a minute later and again ask for a smoke. Again the bartender refused and again our bozo left. He returned again five minutes later, wearing the same clothes but with a ski mask pulled down over his face and carrying a gun. This time he told the bartender to empty the cash register. When the bartender said, "You for real, Barry?" he told her to stop calling him by his name and hand over the cash, which she did. He left and she called the cops with his name and address. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo Wilbert Brown had been quite successful in robbing stores in the area. It was on his fourth robbery that things went wrong. He dropped his cell phone while making his getaway from a Payless Shoe store holdup. The police picked it up and were able to find our bozo’s home phone number. The called it and told him they had recovered his lost phone and if he would come down to the police station he could pick it up. Our bozo shaved, put on some dark glasses and a hat and went downtown. He could have saved the trouble of the disguise. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Department in the International File in Basel, Switzerland. An unidentified cop stopped off at a restaurant for a quick cup of coffee to warm himself on a cold evening. And, knowing that such breaks were not allowed, our bozo officer simply wrote up a false report claiming that the restaurant owner had called him to investigate a break-in. Unfortunately, he didn’t tell the owner about his little scheme and when other officers following up on the report asked him about it he said the only time he’d seen the officer was when he stopped by for coffee. Busted!! They take this rather seriously in Switzerland. Our bozo cop has been sentenced to 30 days in jail.
On a recent Bozo Report we told you that we thought our bozo for the day had tried every trick in the book. Well, he’s been topped by our bozo for today from Monroe, Washington. Bozo Howard Jackson was working for the Evergreen State Fair when he was spotted on the midway smoking an "unknown narcotic" and was fired immediately. And that’s when he went nuts. He tried to steal some money from another carnival worker, failing at that, he then ran to the women’s restroom where he took off all his clothes. When police officers arrived he fled through a window in one of the stalls, groping fair patrons as he headed toward a chain link fence which he climbed over. He then ran toward the highway where he tried to steal a car from a woman. When that failed he ran across the highway and tried to jump aboard a moving train. One problem, that train was moving at 45 miles per hour. He’s recovering in jail.
If there’s one thing we’ve learned over the years of doing the Bozo Criminal Report, it’s that our bozos just never learn to keep a low profile, as today’s story will point out. From the International File in New Zealand comes the story of bozo Phillip Wain who, judging from his vanity license plate, is a party animal. His plates read, "2Drunk." And of course you know there had to be a New Zealand cop out there who just couldn’t resist and pulled him over. And sure enough, ol’ "2Drunk" was too drunk. He won’t be driving that car anytime soon. His license has been suspended for six months.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bryan, Texas and we’ve gotta give this guy credit, he tried just about every trick in the book. Bozo Leroy Lawson stole a truck and promptly crashed it into a residence. After the crash, our bozo jumped out, removed all his clothes and ran to a nearby house where he stole an electric wheelchair. The cops spotted him a few minutes later, with only a blanket covering himself, tooling down the road in a wheelchair. When the officers approached, he gave them a fake name, which he had trouble spelling, then told them he was mentally ill and began ramming the wheelchair into a porch, almost running over one of the officers in the process. When they tried to remove him from the chair, he pretended to faint and had to be physically carried to the patrol car. He’s in jail.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk W. Andrew Neilson for sending in today’s report. From Salem, Oregon comes the story of perhaps the world’s most inept carjacker. Our bozo, Oswaldo Vasquez, was pedaling around town on a tricycle (!), waving a gun at passing cars, when he smashed head on into a vehicle. He then picked himself up, climbed into the car and demanded that the driver take him to the hospital. Wanting no part of this, the driver got out and called 911. At this point our bozo climbed into the front seat and tried to drive away not noticing that the car’s emergency brake was still set. When he finally got it going, he immediately ran into a sport utility vehicle. The impact caused his gun to go off, hitting him in the foot. Needless to say, he’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Chaplain Dennis Marks for sending in today’s report. From Tampa, Florida comes the story of a couple of women who remembered the best way to calm a savage bozo is to offer him something to eat. Bozo Alfred Swanton broke into the home of two retired ladies, aged 60 and 63, and, pointing a shotgun at them, demanded cash. In their best grandmotherly fashion, the ladies told our bozo to calm down and have something to eat. They offered him a ham sandwich along with a bottle of rum. He accepted. And before long he was passed out at the kitchen table, which is where the cops found him.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Kankakee, Illinois where bozo James Bolden pulled up to the drive thru window at the local bank and dropped an envelope containing his deposit into the pneumatic tube and sent it to the teller. Well, at least he thought he sent his deposit to the teller. You see, he had two envelopes in the car, one with the cash deposit and the other with his stash of rolling papers, a half dozen joints and several ounces of marijuana. Guess which one he sent? Right. The teller called the cops who arrived while our bozo was still waiting for his receipt.