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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report. From Spokane, Washington, where it was 20 degrees last week, comes the story of three bozos who thought it would be funny to show everyone how tough they were by streaking through the local Denny’s. Our bozos entered the restaurant just before daybreak, wearing only shoes and hats, leaving their car running in the parking lot to ensure a quick getaway. Bad idea. While they were doing their thing, a man who had been in Denny’s paid for his meal, hopped into their car, which contained their clothes, and drove off. Our embarrassed and naked bozos were left shivering in the cold outside the restaurant until the police arrived. Feeling they’d been punished enough, no one pressed charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Serbia where bozo Sasa Jeremic, 18, broke into a restaurant. Inside he found some cash and a laptop computer. Excited at his good luck on his first "job", our bozo decided to celebrate. So he raided the restaurant’s fridge and its liquor cabinet. And you can probably guess the rest. After a nice meal topped off with wine and a few glasses of cognac, our bozo fell sound asleep. And he was still sleeping it off when restaurant employees arrived the next morning. He’s now napping in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania where bozo Michael Maxwell held up a bank. The teller gave him some cash and he headed for the door. As he was leaving, a security guard shouted to him that the teller needed to see him again. Our obedient bozo walked right back in. Bad idea. The doors locked behind him and the security guard tackled him.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this one. From the International File in Northern Denmark comes the story of two unidentified bozos who stole a car from a home and quickly thought better of it when they saw the guy they had stolen the car from chasing them in another vehicle. Noticing that he was gaining on them, one of our bozos whipped out his cell phone and called the cops. He identified himself and his buddy as car thieves and asked if the cops would be so kind as to please meet them at a nearby intersection and arrest them. The police were more than happy to oblige.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 0602: Always steal a truck with new tires. From Mission, Kansas comes the story of bozo Phillip Williams who developed a flat tire while driving one evening. It was late and cold outside so he called the Kansas Highway Patrol for assistance. Which might have been a good idea except for a few things. The pickup he was driving was stolen. The license plates on the truck were also stolen. And the inside was stuffed with stolen loot. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bremen, Germany where an unidentified bozo dressed himself up as Dracula, complete with a cape, cap, sunglasses and vampire teeth. He armed himself with a toy gun and headed for the nearest bank. Unfortunately, he encountered a police patrol car in the bank parking lot. The count pointed his toy gun at the officers and continued on his way. Bad idea. The cops had him under arrest before he ever even made it to the front door.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule number 10,976: It’s not a good idea to be a big tipper when you’re using stolen money. From Albany, New York comes the story of bozo Robert Parks who took a cab down to the bank and then had the cabbie wait while he held it up. When he returned with his cash, he had the driver head to a nearby shopping mall. When they got there, our bozo gave the driver $170 and told him to keep the change. The cab driver was suspicous of the large tip, flagged down a passing patrol car and told them what had happened. The cops put two and two together and arrested our bozo while he was still shopping inside the mall.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmette, Illinois where bozo Jacob Henson broke into a house and stole a set of keys and a new BMW belonging to the homeowner. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he returned to the same house the very next night where he was wounded when an already nervous homeowner fired a shot at him. He was arrested when he drove himself to the hospital in the stolen BMW.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jasper County, Alabama where bozo Derwood Jackson was arrested shortly after he dropped off a large bag of teddy bears as a donation to the local sheriff’s department toy drive. The problem…our bozo had forgotten that he used one of the bears as a hiding place for his stash of marijuana. A half pound of it to be exact. Busted!!!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Dalsland, Sweden where an unidentified bozo broke into a paper plant and stole $25,000 worth of computers. Police are confident they’ll have no problem catching him since he left behind a sample of his DNA. Our bozo used the toilet before he left and forgot to flush.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Minneapolis, Minnesota where bozo Bob Franklin ventured out on Christmas morning. We’re not sure exactly how he got himself into this fix, but he found himself naked and stuck in a one foot by one foot chimney leading into a bookstore. (Maybe he was trying to be a Bad Santa?) Anyway, police rescued him before anything bad happened. It was when he was being arrested that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the cops that he went into the chimney to find keys that he had dropped.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today may not have actually committed a crime, but he’s a bozo nonetheless. From the Anti War Department in Olympia, Washington comes the story of bozo Jody Miller who wanted to protest U.S. involvement in the war in Iraq by chaining himself to a U.S. Department of Energy building. However, he was somewhat confused about just which building it was and mistakenly padlocked himself to a building housing an organization that helps farmers and people in rural areas. After he discovered his error, he also discovered that he didn’t have the key to his padlock. Police brought in heavy duty bolt cutters and sent him home.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Nunthorpe, England. It’s the story of a couple of bozos who broke into a home. As they turned on the lights, they heard a voice say, "Hello, who are you?" then, in a sterner tone, "Hey, you, come over here!" That was enough for them. Thinking they were about to be confronted by the angry homeowner, our bozos fled. If they had stuck around a little longer they would have discovered that the voice they heard came not from the homeowner, but from his trained African grey parrot, Matilda.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Upper Darby, Pennsylvania comes the story of bozo Allen Hardy who walked into the local convenience store dressed in a Tigger costume. That’s right, Tigger from Winnie the Pooh, a complete getup including the head and tail. Not surprisingly, the outfit didn’t exactly strike fear in the heart of the sales clerk. Our bozo then tossed a note her way that said, "$25,000 please. I have a bomb." The clerk told him they didn’t have that much in the register and proceeded to ignore him (as much as you can ignore someone in a Tigger suit). He finally got discouraged and left. The cops later spotted Tigger strolling the neighborhood and arrested him.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from Berkeley, California where bozos John Wright and Phillip Tucker held up two armored car guards as they approached an ATM machine, grabbing a couple of bank deposit bags and fleeing on foot. Maybe they didn’t notice the bags seemed a little light. The guards weren’t there to stock the machine with cash. They were there to collect the day’s deposits, and they hadn’t done that yet. The bags were empty, just like our bozos’ brains.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Just Rewards file. From the state of Montana comes the story of bozos Nate and Deborah Starnes whose farmhouse burned down in 1996. Not satisfied with the $75,000 they collected from the insurance company our bozos sued and got an additional $52,500 in 1999. Still not satisfied, our bozos sued again. However, this time a little more investigating was done and last month a jury not only rejected our bozos claim for more money but also ruled that they started the fire in the first place. Oops. Now the insurance company is suing to get their money back, plus attorney’s fees.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida where bozo Ronald Martin was released from jail after serving a sentence for auto theft and drunk driving. Four days after his release he returned to the sheriff’s office to pick up some of his personal belongings. While running a routine check on him, the deputy noticed that our bozo’s license had been revoked for life. So she asked him to please drive around to the back to pick up his stuff. Of course he did, parking illegally in a fire lane and going back inside. That’s mistake one and two. A quick check of the license plate revealed the car had been stolen the same day he was released from jail. Mistake number three. He’s back in jail. His stuff is still in storage.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mireille Longtin for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Adelaide, Australia comes the story of bozo Charles Hardy who called the cops to report thieves breaking into his house to steal his marijuana. Yep, that’s what he told them. Officers arrived to find a pot robbery in progress. Four men were arrested for trying to steal the plants, which were being grown in two rooms of our bozo’s home. Or maybe what used to be his home. He’s taken up residence now in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Junior Division. In Salem, New Hampshire, several high school students rigged a computer to print fake report cards to take home to their parents. Guess they must have been pretty proud of themselves, too, as many of them raised failing grades all the way up to A’s. They were tripped up when several proud parents called the principal to ask why their children weren’t on the honor roll.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Binghampton, New York where bozo Joshua Harrington pulled something right out of an old Three Stooges episode. He grabbed a bottle of rum off the shelf of a local liquor store and dashed out the door, running head first into a utility pole. He’s listed in fair condition with a head injury. The owner of the liquor store took pity on him and declined to press charges.