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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Alex Hart for sending in today’s report. From Fairfield, Iowa comes the story of a couple of bozos who stole the safe from the local Elks lodge. And since they were only thieves, and not safecrackers, they took the safe to a secluded place and called in an expert to open it up, right? Wrong. They drove into an open field, near a preschool, in the middle of the night and went to work on it. One of them held the flashlight while the other pounded on the safe with a hammer and a pry bar. As you might expect, police were called when neighbors complained about the pounding sound. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Riverdale, Utah where bozo Duane Carroll broke into a residence and had stolen some cookies and a power drill when the phone rang. And, like any bozo, he couldn’t leave a ringing phone alone, so he answered it. It was the homeowner’s daughter who immediately hung up and called her mom on her cell phone to tell her there was a man in her house. Mom called and again our bozo picked up. Mom quickly hung up and called the cops. The only calls our bozo will be taking for a while will be from his lawyer.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 13,087: Never drive backwards in front of a police station. Our bozo, Cassandra Adams, of Lodi, California, did just that. Apparently looking for a parking space, she started backing up and just kept on going, driving backwards for about 60 feet right in front of the station house. This attracted the attention of one of the officers who came out and asked to see her drivers license, which was obviously a fake. He then looked into the back of the vehicle where he found a small amount of drugs, several stolen items and the equipment for making the fake ID. She’s been driven directly to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma where bozo Dan Jernigan broke into a residence and rummaged around a bit before realizing just how tired he was. So, he did what any bozo would do. He climbed into the nearest bed. One problem, the residents of the house were in the bed at the time. They must have been sound sleepers, however, because they did not immediately wake up when he got in. After a few minutes, the husband noticed one too many pair of feet at the end of the bed. He awakened his wife and they slipped out and called the cops. Our exhausted bozo was still sleeping when the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Avon Park, Florida where bozo Eddie Masters was an escaped con. He’d been living under an assumed name for 44 years, after he escaped from a Georgia prison work detail. Crime must run in the family because the other day bozo Eddie decided to visit his son who was in a Florida prison. One problem, when he dropped in to visit him, he wrote his real name, not his assumed one, on the visitor’s list. A routine check of the names identified him as a fugitive. He’s joined his son in prison.

Bozo criminal for today violated a basic rule for all men, bozos or not: Never, ever, stop and ask for directions. From Monterey, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Daniel Ward who had just robbed a sandwich shop and in his haste had made a wrong turn and was hopelessly lost. So, he stopped and asked a woman at an apartment complex if she could direct him to Interstate 40. So far, so good. But then for reason known only to the bozo mind, he told her he was driving a stolen car. She gave him the directions and then called the cops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Bonn, Germany where two unidentified bozos walked into a post office and demanded cash. After tying up the postal workers, the crooks began stuffing money from the safe into a bag they had brought along. When one of the employees managed to free himself, our bozos panicked. They ran off, grabbing a bag as they went. Unfortunately for them, instead of taking the bag with the cash, they grabbed a sack in which one of the workers had brought his lunch. Two helpings of potato salad. Hope they enjoyed the meal.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lafayette, Indiana where bozo Joshua Kindle robbed a couple of gas stations. He never got to enjoy the fruits of his labors, however. It seems bozo Joshua must have forgotten that he was wearing a court ordered electronic monitoring device on his ankle. He was quickly tracked down and arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany. Our bozo broke into a bar and was in the process of stealing some wine when the cops cornered him. Rather than give up the evidence, he turned the bottle up and chugged it. Bad idea. What he didn’t know was that the owner of the bar, in an effort to catch whoever it was that had been stealing liquor, had replaced the wine in some bottles with vinegar. Not surprisingly, the stuff made him sick. The cops arrested him after he quit hurling.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Christine Dyer for sending in today’s report from Corpus Christi, Texas where our bozos violated Bozo Rule Number 1844: Before committing a crime, it’s always a good idea to get the getaway car tuned up. Our bozos walked into a convenience store, flashed a gun at the clerk and demanded cash. When the clerk couldn’t open the register one of the bozos simply grabbed it and ran, throwing it into the back seat of their 1989 Oldsmobile. So far, so good. But when it came time to make their getaway, the old Olds wouldn’t crank. After a couple of frustrating minutes, our bozos fled on foot, leaving the cash and the car behind. The cops arrested them a couple of blocks away.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Arendal, Norway, where an unidentified bozo, dressed as a ninja, robbed a gas station. He got away with only a few dollars and, not satisfied, called a local newspaper that offers a reward for crime tips. He proceeded to describe his crime and himself in detail. When he showed up at the police station to make a written statement, a condition for receiving the reward, he was recognized by a customer from the gas station and was immediately arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Pennsauken, New Jersey comes the story of bozos Juan Garcia and Danny Ortega whose first mistake was attempting to break into a car near the police station. Of course they were spotted by officers. They made their second, and fatal, error when they tried to run from the cops and ran right into the police station’s back parking lot. They’re under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Brenda Ellington for sending in today’s report. From Broken Arrow, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Todd Thompson who purchased a motorcycle from the local dealership using a counterfeit check. He returned three days later, after the check had bounced, to complain that the front tire was squeaking. He was arrested on the spot.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kagoshima, Japan where an unidentified bozo broke into a fish market’s freezer and grabbed an armload of king crab and other seafood. He took his haul outside and went back in for more. Only one problem, this time the door slammed shut behind him, locking him in the zero degrees freezer. Fortunately, he had his cell phone with him and he called a friend to tell him he needed help. Unfortunately, instead of coming down to help him, the friend contacted the security guard who called the cops who defrosted and arrested our bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eddie Forgey for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Lisbon, Portugal comes the story of an unidentified bozo who showed up at the police station to ask for some money to help him return to his home. It’s a tradition in Portugal for police stations to have a small emergency fund, which they can use to help people in need. Before giving our bozo his money the cops did a routine background check on him. Yep, you guessed it. He was a wanted fugitive. He won’t be going back home for a while.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk deputy Tim Warburg for sending in today’s report. From Norco, California comes the story of bozo Sandy Sanchez who was wanted on a couple of felony drug warrants and an identity theft case. Not knowing, or not remembering, she was wanted, she called the sheriff’s department, identified herself and asked if she could come down and talk about some problems she was having with her boyfriend. The officers remembered her and said, sure, come on down. While she was talking to one of the officers, another cop went outside to check her truck. Seeing what he was doing, she told the officer, "If he’s searching my truck, he’ll find a portable meth lab in there." When the cop came back in and reported he had found a small amount of drugs, but no lab, she said, "Oh, my mistake. It must still be at my house." It was. In the garage. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today may be a crook, but at least his mother taught him good manners. From Cary, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Thomas Bates who held up a convenience store, getting away with about 40 bucks. A short time later, our bozo returned to apologize. The clerk locked him inside the store and called the cops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chalmette, Louisiana where bozo Joseph Burns called the cops to complain about a business transaction that had gone bad. He told the police that he had traded a microwave oven for some crack cocaine. But after he tried to smoke it he found the crack was "wack". It was no good. When the police arrived to take his statement, he voluntarily offered his crack pipe and the fake drugs as evidence. He was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia.

The old saying is that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And, for a bozo, sometimes the way to jail leads through his stomach, too. From the International File in Amsterdam, Holland comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into a residence late one night. He was prowling around when he came to the refrigerator where he found a fine looking fish. Too good to pass up and too good to wait until he got home. Our bozo grabbed a pan and was frying it up and enjoying a cold beer when the aroma wafted its way upstairs to where the owner of the house was sleeping. When she saw what was going on, she called the cops who arrived before our bozo could enjoy his meal.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to this story. From Stamford, Connecticut comes the story of bozo Davaugn Green who spotted a car driving slowly through the neighborhood. Thinking he knew what they wanted, our bozo hopped in and asked the guys in the front seat what kind of drugs they wanted and how much. Then, he said to them, "You guys look like cops." They did, because they were. Driving an unmarked car but with jackets on that had "Police" written in big letters on the back, on the sleeves and on the front. He’s under arrest.