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With the Covid-19 outbreak holding bozo activity down a bit, Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow comes to the rescue with the story of a bozo that had apparently had enough of social distancing. Our bozo took a two by four and broke a window at the King Salmon, Alaska, fire department. Now, King Salmon is a small town and there was no one at the station at the time, so our bozo rummaged around until he found the keys to the fire truck. He didn’t even bother to open the station’s closed bay doors before he drove through. He then switched on the trucks emergency lights and headed west toward Naknek, about 15 miles away. And what was his destination? The Fisherman’s Bar. He was arrested shortly after arrival. He’s under arrest on charges of burglary, vehicle theft, criminal mischief and violating conditions of release on a previous arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brussels, Belgium. Customs authorities were alerted to something strange in our bozo’s luggage when he returned from a trip to Jamaica. A large artificial penis was found to be stuffed with cocaine. Well. Mr. Happy, indeed. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Vienna, Austria. The cops responded to a report of a suspicious character in a park. When they approached our bozo, he rose from the park bench, turned his back to the cops, and, in the words of their report, “released a massive intestinal wind in the vicinity of the officers.” Yep, he farted on them. Busted! He was fined $564 for “violating public decency.”

Bozo criminals for today come from Richland County, South Carolina. A man and woman burst into the local Pizza Hut, brandishing a weapon…they demanded cash, right? Nope. Our bozos demanded a Pepsi. They confronted the clerk and said their delivery driver did not include their promised Pepsi in their order, so they were here to get it. The man held the gun on the manager while the woman grabbed a two liter bottle of Pepsi from behind the counter. They then left to enjoy their refreshing beverage. Cops have good security camera footage and hope to be able to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkhart County, Indiana, where bozo Michael Dever was cruising down the highway in his souped up Mustang. Cruising at 120 in a 70 MPH zone. Indiana State Police officers gave chase and pursued him for 25 miles before troopers threw stop sticks in his path. And just why didn’t he stop? His bozo excuse was that he thought the cops wanted to race. Uh-huh. He’s charged with resisting police, reckless driving and several moving violations.

Bozo criminals for today from the International File in Montepulciano, Italy, violated basic Bozo Rule Number 001110323: Think first, then, hide your stash. It seems the cops were aware our bozo gang had been peddling cocaine in the clubs in the area and had even wiretapped their phones to keep track of what was going on. Our bozos got wind that something was up and decided to hide their stash. Now, what to do with it? How about head into the countryside and bury in in a remote location. Good idea. Who could possibly find it? Guess they forgot about the pack of feral hogs that was roaming around the area. Cops listening in to the wiretap heard our bozos complaining the the hogs had dug up the coke stash and scattered it everywhere. Oops. Our bozos are busted. No word on the hogs.

Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California, where the cops were dispatched to a Wells Fargo Bank branch at 3:30 AM on a report of a break-in. They found a broken window near the drive-thru. Taking a quick look around inside, it appeared everything was normal. Until they walked into the break room. There they found our bozo enjoying a tasty meal of Hot Pockets. He offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the officers he only broke in to use the bank’s microwave. When asked if the Hot Pockets were worth it, he replied, “Hell, Yeah!” He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Sacramento County, California. It seems our bozo was cruising around on Memorial Day when he lost control of his vehicle and crashed into a pond. Dispatch received a call from him around 1:30 am and when the cops arrived they found our bozo and his vehicle “well submerged” in the pond. He explained to the officers that he had spent about an hour trying to get his car unstuck before calling the cops. And just why does this merit inclusion in the Bozo Report? The “pond” he was submerged in was a liquid manure storage pond at a dairy farm. Ugh. He’s been charged with DUI. That car will need a LOT of those little Christmas trees to get that stink out.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, where the cops noticed our bozo acting strangely in a public park. A quick check of his person found methamphetamine, marijuana and some unidentified pills in the pocket of his jeans. Before they could arrest him, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. While he did not deny he was in possession of the drugs, he did deny ownership of the pants. Yep, he said, “Those are not my pants.” The officers offered their sympathy, but advised our bozo that you should always check the pockets before putting on someone else’s jeans. He’s busted!

If anyone has any doubt that things have gotten weird during the pandemic, please consider today’s report from Forest Park, Illinois. A business owner called the cops when she received a suspicious package which she could not identify. Fearing that the package might contain a bomb, officers opened the package in a safe area. Well, it did contain an explosive device of sorts, but not the kind to do any damage. Inside was a tubular shaped object with a spring inside. Upon removal of the top, it revealed itself to be a glitter bomb, ejecting multi colored pieces of glitter. And not just regular glitter, either. These pieces of glitter were in the shape of little tiny penises. Anyone with any information as to who sent the love bomb is asked to call the cops.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Powell, Tennessee, where bozo Jalen Cook wanted a bottle of water. So he headed down to the convenience store to pick one up. Nothing unusual about that, right? Did we mention he walked into the store totally naked? And that he walked out without paying? But he wasn’t done. For reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he returned to the store and began knocking items off the shelf. He then grabbed sausages off the grill and began throwing them at the cashier. The cops were called and our bozo was stunned and placed under arrest. He’s charged with assault with a meaty weapon.

This morning we have another example of a bozo foiled by modern technology. Our bozo for today, from Barstow, California, had his eye on a shiny new Tesla automobile. Seizing the opportunity, our bozo grabbed the door and yelled at the driver to get out. The owner obliged and our bozo drove off. Successful crime, right? Wrong. Apparently the Tesla has a mobile app that allows you to disable the vehicle and lock the doors remotely. And, being a bozo, he couldn’t find the manual unlock buttons inside the car. He was still trying to free himself from the vehicle when the cops arrived. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Louisa, Virginia, where our bozos were faced with a quandary. What with face masks being in short supply today, what do you cover your face with when you try to hold up a convenience store? They came up with what may be the ultimate bozo solution. They hollowed out some watermelons, cut holes for their eyes and placed them over their heads. Surprisingly, the melons stayed in place long enough for them to make their getaway but security camera footage caught a good picture of their getaway vehicle. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today from Ypsilanti, Michigan, are a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The cops received a call of four masked men causing a disturbance at the local Sunoco convenience store. Since there had been an armed robbery at the store a couple of days before, the cops assumed it might be the same guys back for more. When the cops arrived, the four men, who may have simply been wearing masks to protect themselves from the coronavirus, fled. The cops gave chase and when they caught up with our bozos, it was determined that they were not the suspected robbers. BUT, a concealed weapon was found on one of them and a quick check found another to be in possession of drugs and another to have an outstanding warrant. Oops. They’re busted!

We here at the Bozo Report are fully aware that these have been very stressful times. And all this stress has led some folks who might not ordinarily do such things to come over to the Bozo side. Such is the case today from the International File in Frome, Somerset, England. Our bozo, who is only identified as “Dave” had a rather momentous birthday approaching. And, during the Covid-19 lockdown, how do you celebrate? Well, if you’re “Dave” you strip off all your clothes and go for a naked bicycle ride through the neighborhood. Taking all things into consideration, the cops decided to let him off with a warning. Happy Birthday, Dave!

Longtime bozo fans may remember a similar story from the US a couple of years back, but apparently our bozo friends didn’t learn from the previous bozo’s mistake. From Harworth in England’s East Midlands comes today’s story. Officers went to a residence with a warrant and two bozos quickly fled into the nearby woods. As they were conducting a search, one of the officers heard a familiar sound. Someone letting one rip in a nearby bush. Yep, he just couldn’t hold that fart in one second longer. The cop, with a nose for such things, tracked him down and quickly placed him under arrest. His less gassy accomplice was found later hiding behind a fireplace.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oakland County, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of an unusual vehicle driving down Milford Road late at night. What they found definitely wasn’t what they expected. Our bozo was cruising down the road in a Caterpillar front end loader. Since there wasn’t any construction going on at that time of night, our bozo was immediately pulled over. Apparently he had stolen it from a worksite nearby. He offered no explanation for his actions. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California, in the California wine country. Webcam footage from a Cherokee Freight Lines tanker truck shows our bozo pull in front of the big rig, with his hazard flashers on, directing the driver to pull over. The trucker stops, thinking he has a mechanical problem. And that’s when things got weird. Really weird. Bozo Gabriel Montez, clad only in his underwear, jumps out of his car and runs to the back of the truck, disappearing from the driver’s view. The trucker decides the best thing to do is get out of there so he pulls back onto the freeway. With the truck now back up to speed, our bozo reappears, climbing on the side of the truck. Hanging on for dear life, our bozo positions himself near the bottom of the tanker and opens up a valve. Suddenly, the trucks cargo of red wine begins flowing out and our bozo sticks his face into the stream and gulps down as much as possible. The driver called the cops and our now drunken bozo was placed under arrest but not before the truck lost about 1000 gallons of red wine, most of it ending up on the highway. Cheers!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where our bozo was involved in a traffic accident. Must have been a slow news day in Atlanta, as the local TV station sent a crew over to cover the wreck. While the photographer was setting up his camera, our bozo decided it might be a good time to get outta there. She jumped in the news van, which was still running, and drove away. Unfortunately for her, the TV reporter was still inside and she let the cops know what was going on and they joined in the chase. Our bozo went two for two this day as she hadn’t gone very far in the stolen van before she crashed it also. Fortunately, no one was injured. She’s been charged with kidnapping with other charges to follow.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sedgwick County, Kansas, where bozo Laura Foster had just been released from the county jail after being charged with robbing a cell phone store. And, usually after being released from jail you stay on the straight and narrow at least for a while, right?

Unless, of course you are a bozo with a real hankering for Girl Scout cookies.

Just hours after her release, courthouse security staff answered a fire alarm at 3 am. Inside, they found our bozo rummaging around offices on the second and third floors, munching on a package of Girl Scout cookies and grooving to the sound of rapper Cardi B. Hope she enjoyed her short lived freedom. She’s back in jail and this time the charge is felony breaking and entering.