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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Durban, South Africa where an unidentified 21 year old bozo tried to kidnap herself. First, she sent a text message to her father from her own cell phone saying she had been kidnapped and that her abductors were demanding $20,000 ransom. Then, a day later, her parents received a call from her, again on her own cell phone, telling them where to drop off the ransom. Police staked out the location and were surprised when the woman arrived to pick up the money herself. She’s been charged with fraud. It’s going to be an awkward family Christmas this year.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Vail, Colorado comes the story of bozos Luke Clark and Anthony Parker who held up the local bank. In the process, several mistakes were made. First, our bozos made no attempt to disguise their Australian accents to bank employees, who were already familiar with them since they robbed the branch where they did their own banking. Second, they wore their workplace nametags on their shirts when they pulled off the heist. Third, flush with cash, they headed down to a local jewelry store where they purchased $10,000 worth of merchandise, which they tried to pay for with $5 bills from the robbery. Then, wanting to travel light, they dumped some of the excess cash in the trash at the Denver airport, but not before taking some souvenir photos of themselves with their haul. Not surprisingly, they’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin, where you could say Bozo Robert Wages was having a bad day. First, he successfully robbed a man at gunpoint. That was the last thing he did right. Then, his getaway car pulled up to pick him up, but the driver misjudged and ran over both our bozo and the victim. The driver then panicked and left, leaving our bozo to limp away with the cash. And that’s when a second driver took aim at our bozo, hitting him with her Lexus. Seeking to defend himself, he pulled his gun but ended up shooting himself in the leg…only to have the woman in the Lexus hit him again. Fortunately, at this time the cops showed up and rescued our bozo, taking him to the hospital before arresting him.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From Belleville, Illinois comes the story of bozo Anthony Moore, who called the cops to report that someone had stolen his marijuana. That in itself is stupid, but it’s what happened afterward that secured Anthony’s place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. When investigating officers showed up at our bozo’s house, he took them into the room that the plants had been stolen from. Much to his, and the officer’s, surprise the plants were still there. Our bozo then said that whoever stole them must have decided to return them. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Corry, Pennsylvania where the owner of a local tavern knew someone was stealing beer from his bar and, since he had a pretty good idea who it was, he set a trap to catch a bozo. He wrote "busted" on the bottom of each of the cans in a couple of six packs and then left them on the top of the stacks of beer, a tempting target. When the six packs were gone the next day, he had the cops pay a visit to a former employee who had never turned in his key when he quit. Checking our bozo’s trash, the cops found the cans with "busted" written on them and followed their instructions, busting our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 13459: Before pulling a stick-up, make sure the person you’re robbing isn’t your former girlfriend. From the International File in Obermillstadt, Austria comes the story of an unidentified bozo who donned a mask and held up a bank. And, of all the rotten luck, the teller turned out to be an ex-girlfriend who recognized him by his baby blue eyes, showing through the mask. She ID’ed him to the cops and gave them his home address. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Camden, New Jersey. Two unidentified bozos were in the market for some drugs and contacted their local dealer. It was what they tried to use to pay for the drugs that got them into trouble. In exchange our bozos offered up…a hand grenade. Apparently this isn’t legal tender, even in the drug trade. The dealers called the cops to report the incident. Both of our bozos, along with the dealer, were arrested and a bomb disposal crew took care of the grenade.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Germany where our bozo security guard stole 7.2 million euros that he was supposed to deliver to a bank. He took the cash and fled to Croatia where he was living the good life on the beach. Police had no idea where he was until he got lonesome and decided to make a phone call to his mother. Police were able to trace the call and mama’s boy was arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Largo, Florida, where bozo Daniel Rucker was wanted by the cops on a probation violation…and was just a little paranoid. He was walking down the street late last Wednesday evening when he heard a police helicopter overhead. Of course, he immediately assumed they were looking for him and he jumped into a storm drain to hide. After a few minutes of crawling through the dark maze of sewers, he was hopelessly lost. And to make matters worse, he couldn’t jimmy the grate to get out. So he was stuck…until daylight when he spotted someone walking by and shouted for help. 911 was called and our bozo was rescued, and arrested on the outstanding warrants.

Bozo criminals for today come from Memphis, Tennessee where a gang of bozos was doing a great business selling crack in a poor neighborhood. They were doing so well, in fact, that they moved their base of operations from the street corner to a nearby house. And when they were open for business, they’d simply put up a sign that said, "Crack House." That way their customers would know how to find them. Guess they never thought it would help the cops find them, too. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Darlington, South Carolina where police responded to an alarm at a business. As they were checking the place out, our bozo came crashing through the ceiling, where he had apparently tried to hide. And did we mention that he was totally naked at the time? It was after the cops cuffed him that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the officers that someone had thrown his keys up on the roof and he was looking for them. He had a little more trouble explaining the naked part.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Varna, Bulgaria where U.S. Ambassador John Beyrle was passing through customs when he noticed his expensive cell phone was missing. Airport staff and customs officials searched for it to no avail. Finally someone realized the high-tech device was equipped with GPS, global positioning system, and when the ambassador keyed the information into his laptop it pinpointed the exact location of the phone… within one of the customs officer’s pockets. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Scotland where Alan West had run up some big drug bills while in prison. And the cons he had bought from while inside were leaning on him for payment. So, he took extreme measures to take care of his debts. He broke out of jail, went to a nearby house, stole a number of items and the family’s car, which he drove back to the prison. He then broke back in, took care of his debts and returned to his cell. Things might have worked out had only he walked back to jail. Police were able to match our bozo’s DNA to swabs taken from the car he had driven back to the prison. He’s now been moved to a more secure facility.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Coleford, England where bozo Kerry Lange stole a small cement mixer from a home, loading it into his van and taking it away. Two problems with this scenario: Number One, a neighbor next door saw the whole thing and gave a full description of the crime to the cops. And, Number Two, that van he used as his getaway vehicle was a van that our bozo used in his business, with his name printed in big, bold letters on the side. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Northlake, Texas, where three bozos robbed a house, making off with a laptop computer, a couple of guitars and several thousand dollars in U.S. Savings Bonds. They might have gotten away with it, too, except for one thing. The family had one of those "nanny cams" that keep track of their newborn. And the nanny cam had recorded the whole robbery, getting good pictures of each of our bozos. They turned themselves in after the tape was shown on a local television station.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon where bozo Dwayne Ellis was spotted by the cops pedaling down the street on his bicycle with what was described as a big grin on his face. It was what he was carrying under his arm that may have caused that big goofy grin. Three marijuana plants that he had pulled up by the roots. He’s not grinning anymore…he’s been charged with possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Hanover, Germany where an unidentified bozo was wanted by the cops for a string of burglaries. When the officers came to his house to arrest him, he bolted out the back door and hid in a neighbor’s garden nearby. Unfortunately for him, in his haste to flee, he left behind his Staffordshire bull terrier, Lumpi. When the cops let Lumpi out, he headed straight for the garden where he stood wagging his tail near the bushes where our bozo was hiding. He’s been arrested. Lumpi now lives with relatives.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Budapest, Hungary, where an unidentified bozo escaped from prison, where he must have been really lonely. Because one of the first things he did upon breaking out was to post an ad with his name and picture on one of those online dating sites. He didn’t exactly make the love connection he was hoping for. The cops recognized him and set up a date at a local pastry shop where he got his just desserts and was arrested.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Mapunapuna, Hawaii where bozo John Inoki walked into the bank and handed the teller a holdup note. He got away with his cash and ran out the front door. Once outside, however, he thought better of his actions and returned to the front door to try to give back the money. When the guard recognized him and wouldn’t let him back in, he walked away, only to turn around and come back for a second try. This time, he started shoving the money back under the door. He then got into his car to try to make his getaway. Too late. By this time, the cops had arrived.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 14243: Don’t hide out in the residence of another crook. Bozo Tony Carrillo was laying low in the apartment of a friend when the police came knocking on the door. The cops were looking for our bozo’s friend, who wasn’t at home, on suspicion of being involved in a recent burglary. Our bozo panicked when he saw them approaching, since he was wanted on several theft warrants himself. When no one answered the door, the officers were preparing to leave when they heard a thud. Yep, it was our bozo, who had tried to escape the second floor apartment by going out a rear window. Bad move. He broke his leg when he crash landed and was arrested by the cops to boot.