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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Toronto, Ontario, Canada comes the story of bozo Jonathan Jacobs who broke into a home and grabbed a few valuables, including a laptop computer, before he spotted something that caught his interest. The homeowner had a very well stocked liquor cabinet. He grabbed 14 bottles of the stuff and was headed for the back door when he decided he would treat himself to just one drink. And one led to another…and another…and another. When the homeowner arrived home, he found our bozo passed out on the couch in front of the TV. The cops sobered him up and took him to jail.

Some kids in the first grade in Arkansas were taking a test. Little Johnny was stumped by the first question, "What does Old McDonald have?" He whispered to the boy next to him, "Hey, what’s the answer to the first question?" His friend replied, "You remember, Old McDonald had a farm." Little Johnny said, "Yeah, that’s right." After a minute or so, Little Johnny asked his friend, "Hey, how do you spell ‘farm’?" His friend replied, "Johnny, don’t you remember anything, it’s E-I-E-I-O."

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Brisbane, Australia where bozo Lucella Grounds was arrested and charged with stealing several items which she told police she planned to use as Christmas presents. This in itself isn’t that unusual. It’s what she did when she was being booked that earned her a place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. As she was being photographed and fingerprinted, she took a liking to the digital camera being used to take her mug shot. While the officer’s back was turned, she snatched it and put it into her purse. Not the best idea she ever had. The cop immediately noticed it was missing and, after checking her bag, added another charge of theft to her growing rap sheet.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Berlin, Germany where our unidentified bozo decided to pick up a little extra cash by going through coat pockets in the coatroom of a bar. That might have been an OK idea except for one little thing…that evening, the bar was hosting a Christmas party for the Berlin police. Oops. After being confronted by 35 officers, our bozo surrendered.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk "The Phantom" for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Townsville, Australia comes the story of an unidentified bozo who robbed a taxi driver, punching him in the face and grabbing his cash. So far, so good. Now, all she had to do was get out of the cab. Not such an easy task, apparently. She tripped as she was exiting the vehicle, fell, hit her head and knocked herself out. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Easton, Pennsylvania where bozo Juan Arego jumped into the driver’s seat of a pizza delivery car while the driver was out making a delivery. It was out bozo’s intent to steal the car, but he couldn’t drive a standard transmission. Deciding to make the best of a bad situation, he gave up trying to drive away and instead began stuffing himself with pizza. In the meantime the driver called the cops. Our bozo was still chowing down when the police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 2090: When robbing a bank, take along something stronger than a paper sack to carry your loot. From the International File in Kawagoe, Japan comes the story of an unidentified bozo who robbed a post office. He was given about $2000, much of it in coins. As he turned to leave, the paper bag he had brought along burst, scattering the money everywhere. And to add insult to injury, he stumbled and fell as he tried to pick it up. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Medford, Oregon where bozo John Green tried to shoplift a bottle of Calvin Klein perfume from a local store. When a security guard gave chase, our bozo fled, jumping into the icy waters of nearby Bear Creek. He didn’t stay in there long, and, when he emerged, he ran for some nearby baseball fields. Unfortunately for him, those fields just happen to be the training grounds for the Medford Police Department’s K-9 units. And two police dogs were there for one of their weekly training sessions. He’s been apprehended.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From Searcy, Arkansas comes the story of bozo Daniel Thompson who had just stolen a nice Lexus. And he didn’t have a care in the world when he saw a sheriff’s deputy come after him. Knowing the Lexus had plenty of power, he simply gave it the gas and started to pull away. Unfortunately for him, he didn’t have much gas to give it. He had failed to check the gauge after lifting the Lexus and was apprehended when his car ran out of gas and coasted to a stop.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wellington, New Zealand where bozo Charles Hall robbed a bank, but was disappointed with his take. So he did what any bozo would do. He called to complain. Identifying himself as "the guy who robbed you the other day", he told the manager to put some more money into a bag and go outside and wait for him on the street corner. A plain clothes officer was sent out with the cash, but our bozo failed to show. However, the phone call proved to be his undoing, as police were able to trace it to his residence and make the arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Long Island, New York where bozo Frank Tucker walked into a Chinese food restaurant, pointed a gun at the clerk and demanded cash. As the clerk was reaching into the register to get the money he noticed something strange about that gun. While it looked real enough, there was a liquid dribbling out of the barrel. Yep, our bozo had selected a leaky water pistol as his choice of weapon. The clerk began yelling at our bozo who turned tail and fled. But not before the owner of the place got his license plate number. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk "Kevin in Knoxville" who sent in today’s report. From Muncie, Indiana comes the story of bozo James Alexander who decided to hold up a restaurant. Unfortunately, he speaks only English and the folks at the Mexican restaurant he tried to rob spoke only Spanish. Or at least that’s what they pretended. While one worker kept saying "No comprende", another sneaked into the back and called the cops. They were still having a "failure to communicate" when the cops arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Eric Tuggle for sending in today’s report from Louisville, Kentucky. It seems bozo Derrick Walker was on the run from the cops and was wanted on a manslaughter charge. The police were on his trail and visited a house where they thought he might be hiding. Our bozo wasn’t there, but he had left behind a list he had been keeping. On the list were two columns; on the left side were the addresses where he had been hiding. On the other side he had written: "The stop I got left…41 Riverpark." Yep, that’s where he was found, hiding under the staircase of his father’s girlfriend’s house. He can add another address to that list. And it’ll be the last one he’ll be needing for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Minden, Nevada where bozo Steven Simpson was on the run from the cops after holding up a bank. Knowing they were tracking him with a K-9 unit, our bozo picked perhaps the worst possible hiding place. He took refuge in the dog house in his back yard. Of course the dogs found him and the cops arrested him.

We want to say hi today to all the loyal Bozo News Hawks of the AOL Confidential Chat Group who check out our stories every day! Hope they enjoy this one from the International File in Canberra, Australia, where bozo Anthony Douglas was fed up with a helicopter that he believed was hovering over his home. He was so fed up that he called the cops and told them if it didn’t leave, he would shoot it down with a home-made bazooka loaded with tomatoes. The police arrived to investigate and found no bazooka and no tomatoes but arrested our bozo anyway for making terroristic threats.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marion, Indiana where bozo Johnny McIntyre stole 19 packages of meat from a local market. When an officer tried to stop our bozo as he fled in his car, he sped away, tossing out steaks and roasts as he went. Police simply followed the meat trail to a nearby apartment where he was quickly captured.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Roane County Jail in Tennessee where bozo Thomas Martin broke out. He had only been out for a short time when he was captured trying to break back in, with all the goodies he had acquired while outside: clothes, liquor, prescription pills, crack cocaine…and four McDonald’s hamburgers. We’re not sure whether he had a Big Mac Attack himself or he had picked up the stuff to try to sell to the other inmates. He’s been moved to a more secure cell.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s story. From Memphis, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Jessica Brandt who made several mistakes. Number one, she mistook a large block of cheese that she saw inside a home as a block of cocaine. Number two, in an effort to acquire the cheese/coke she hired a hit man to break into the home, take the drugs and kill the residents. Number three, the hit man she hired was an undercover cop. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in East Lothian, Scotland, where an unidentified bozo was just sure that the bulging bag sitting on the doorstep of a home was full of valuables. Boy, was he wrong. The bag was full of a week’s worth of dirty diapers awaiting pickup by the local diaper service. At this time neither the diapers nor our bozo have been found, but just opening the bag may have been punishment enough.

From Chicago, Illinois comes our first ever story of assault with a tasty weapon. Bozo Brian Lane attempted to hold up a bar with a ham sandwich which he had molded into the shape of a gun. When no one would take him seriously, our bozo attempted to flee, only to trip on the way out of the bar. He’s under arrest.