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The Bozo Report for today features the return of an old friend. You might remember the bozo with the words “Crime Pays” tattooed across his forehead who was featured on an episode of LivePD. Well, HE’S BACK! Cops in Terre Haute, Indiana, noticed our bozo driving erratically and pulled him over after a brief chase. And he didn’t go quietly, easier. He’s been charged with resisting law enforcement, reckless driving, possession of methamphetamine, maintaining a common nuisance and auto theft.

Our bozo for today from Butler County, Pennsylvania, was faced with a problem. Her boyfriend was in jail and needed extra money, so what to do? Simple, hire him to go to work for Long John Silver’s. Turns out she was an area manager for the restaurant chain and could hire and fire employees. Figuring no one would ever notice, she simply added him to the payroll and had sent him more than $50,000 in wages before someone tipped off the cops. She’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from North Attleboro, Massachusetts. Bozo Christopher Carson met a woman on a dating app and, for their first date, asked her to come pick him up at his parents house. Seemed a little strange but she complied. He then drank wine in the passenger’s seat while she drove around. When they approached a bank, he asked her to pull in and he went inside. Before entering, he donned a hat and sunglasses and then robbed the teller, getting away with $1000. He jumped back in the car and told her to step on it. Panicking, she did as she was told. They didn’t get far before the cops were on their tail. She immediately pulled over and surrendered. Our bozo was arrested. She was not charged. Worst first date ever!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield, Missouri where bozo Twanna Taylor had a going commercial enterprise. She would steal merchandise and then sell it out of her online boutique. She would even showcase the loot during live video presentations, sort of a QVC of stolen clothes. Great idea except…the cops have internet, too. They would actually tune in to her live shows and then track the merchandise back to reports they had of stolen items. Oops. She’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Naples Florida. It seems our husband and wife team had enjoyed a few drinks too many at The Dock at Crayton Cove bar. When the woman put her feet up on the bar, revealing that she was wearing no underwear, the bartender had seen enough. He told them to leave or he was going to call the cops. That’s when Miss No Panties replied, “I don’t have to go anywhere because my dad is the chief of police.” We’re not sure if that is true or not, but when the cops arrived, she remained argumentative. That’s when her husband asked the officer, “will you just walk my wife up to our room and sing her a silly song and lullaby?” The cop denied that request and as he was hauling her out, her husband said, “if she is going, I want to go too,” That’s a request the cop was glad to honor. They both slept it off in jail.

Bozo criminals for today come from Hurricane, Utah. They came up with what seemed to be a good scheme for breaking into an ATM, but things didn’t work out as planned. Using a stolen truck, a trailer, and some heavy equipment, they attempted to steal the money machine. Surveillance cameras show lots of damage, including pieces of the ATM’s drive thru service strewn around the area along with roof panels from above the machine. But, in spite of their efforts, the ATM remained intact and our bozos decided the best thing to do was get out of there, quick. Apparently too quick, as they crashed their stolen vehicle nearby. Cops are still looking for the suspects.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Warwick, Rhode Island, where the cops were called to a Hobby Lobby store on a report of lost keys…but found something else. Here’s how the story played out. Bozo Karen Schaffer called Hobby Lobby to say she thought she’d left her keys there and could they please check and see if anyone had found them. The manager reviewed security footage and discovered the woman who had left her keys was someone he had suspected of shoplifting earlier, and he was able to confirm the theft while looking at the tape. Oops. The cops were called and our bozo gave up 19 pieces of jewelry that she had hidden in her sweatshirt, coat and bag. She was charged with theft and also on violation of her bail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from California, where our bozo computer “expert” thought NULL would be a good personalized license plate. He thought if he ever got a ticket, the license plate of NULL would confuse DMV computers and he would get out of paying. Boy, was he wrong. Instead, DMV computers label all tickets with missing or incomplete license plate numbers as NULL. And before you know it, our bozo had received over $12,000 worth of tickets in the mail, all sent to the holder of the NULL license plate. Oops!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Santa Rosa County, Florida. Sheriff’s officers pulled over two bozos doing 95 MPH on I-10. That’s strike one. A quick ID check determined one of our bozos was the subject of an active felony warrant for violation of probation in Orange County. Strike two. An inspection of the vehicle found 75 grams of methamphetamine, 1.36 kilograms of the date-rape drug GHB, 1 gram of cocaine, 3.6 grams of fentanyl, 15 MDMA tablets and drug paraphernalia. And those drugs were clearly labeled, in a package that said, “Bag Full Of Drugs.” Strike three! You’re busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Kenwood, Ohio, where a pair of bozos tried to steal jewelry from a local store. Security cameras show them crashing through the door, breaking display cases and making their getaway. So far, so good, right? Yep, until they decided to take the elevator to their waiting getaway car in the basement. That car got stuck on the way down. Our bozos tried to hide their loot in the elevator ceiling but to no avail. They were rescued and arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Missoula, Minnesota. Now, here’s our bozo’s dilemma. He had a stolen ATM card in his possession, but since he didn’t have the PIN number, he couldn’t use it. So, what to do. Here’s the bozo solution he came up with. He went to a nearby gas station, bought one gallon of gas and headed back to the ATM. He then doused the machine with the gas and threw a match onto it. That’ll show that bad old ATM! Needless to say, the flaming ATM and the subsequent explosion attracted the attention of the cops and our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bath Township, Ohio, where our unidentified bozo had a problem, so he dialed 911. When the operator asked him what he problem was, our bozo replied, “I need a police dog.” Further questioning revealed the reason for his need of a K-9. It seems our bozo had some heroin stolen from him and he thought the best way to get it back was to hire a police dog to track it down. He was wrong. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where the cops raided an apartment complex after receiving a report of drug activity there. They found three people selling PCP, and one bozo was dressed rather strangely. Bozo Shirlene Moore was wearing a pink duty belt with pepper spray, two knives, handcuffs, brass knuckles and a “special police brass badge.” Yep, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, she was dressed as a police officer. Bad idea. She can add impersonating an officer to the drug possession charges. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilson County, Tennessee, where bozo Spencer Brown was called before the judge on a simple drug possession charge. He approached the bench, reached into his pocket, pulled out a joint and fired up. Yep, he chose this time to “make a statement” about the legalization of marijuana. When he turned to make his comments, guards grabbed him and took him into custody. His plea didn’t work with the judge. He’s under arrest, charged with possession and disorderly conduct.

No criminal activity in today’s report but we are passing along this information as a public service. With the outbreak of the coronavirus spreading every day, Google reports that there has been a big spike in searches for “Corona virus beer” and “Virus Corona beer.” We would like to remind everyone that the coronavirus has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the very popular brand of Mexican beer. Cheers! You’re welcome!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Surrey, British Columbia, Canada, where not only did our bozo thief have an epic fail, it was all caught on security cameras. Our bozo smashed the front door of a cell phone store only to be confronted by a security gate. Undeterred, he first tries to push through. When that doesn’t work, he discovers that if he pushes the flexible gate far enough it creates just enough room for him to crawl underneath. Now, inside, he goes to work. Only problem, all the pricey phones have been safely locked away. Now, with alarms ringing, he makes a quick change in plans and decides he better get out of there, quick. Unfortunately, the gate can’t be pushed far enough forward for to be able to slide underneath, in fact, he momentarily gets stuck beneath the gate. He finally frees himself and runs around the store, apparently looking for the key to the gate. And then time runs out. The cops pull up and he is placed behind another gate, this one at the police station.

Our bozo for today comes from Norfolk County, Canada, where our underage bozo wanted a fake ID. So, he went online and found someone selling them. He gave him an undisclosed amount of money and all his personal information. And then he waited. And waited. And when it didn’t arrive, he did what any bozo would do. He called the cops to tell them that his fake ID never arrived. Sorry, kid, we can’t help you on that one. They cops are trying to track down the crook and have warned our bozo to be more careful in the future.

Our bozo report this morning comes from Portland, Oregon, where they have a bike theft problem. A BIG bike theft problem, apparently. So big that the Portland police department has a special Bike Theft Task Force. One of the officers, who ride bikes themselves, parked his bike in front of the Multnomah County Courthouse and, since he had forgotten his U-Lock, used his handcuffs to secure the bike to the rack. Bad idea. When he returned an hour and a half later, he found his bike gone and the handcuffs dangling from the bike rack. Oops. Anyone spotting a blue bike with a “Police” logo on the side is asked to contact the police department.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wallaroo, South Australia, where new home construction presented an opportunity our bozo just couldn’t resist. He needed a new dishwasher so he grabbed himself a two wheel dolly and headed down to where new homes were being built. Security footage shows him with a dishwasher loaded on his dolly as he rolls it out of the house. And instead of rolling down the driveway to the street he instead chooses to use the sidewalk. When he attempts to roll off the curb to the street, the dishwasher falls off the dolly, leaving him struggling to pick it back up. Using the video footage, police hope to make an arrest soon.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Wyandotte, Michigan. A police officer noticed the vehicle had a yellow registration tab and, when he could find no record of it in his computer, he pulled the driver over. When he asked for drivers license, registration and proof of insurance, our 32-year old bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She said she could not provide proof of registration because she was “test driving the car.” And just how long have you been test driving it, ma’am? A couple of months. Oh. A quick check found nine current suspensions and two driving with license suspended convictions within the past seven years. The Vehicle Identification Number came back with no plate information. The driver also had multiple warrants out of several jurisdictions. She was arrested for being a repeat offender of driving with license suspended, as well as for driving an unregistered motor vehicle.