Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. Bozo Tekle Zoller was arrested and charged with counterfeiting. And it wasn’t that his bills were poor quality, in fact, they were actually quite good. It was his choice of bill to counterfeit that attracted attention. He printed up 250 billion dollar bills. Yep, that’s billion with a "B". Try cashing those at your neighborhood Seven Eleven.
A man goes into a bar every Friday and orders three beers. After a few weeks, the bartender’s curiosity gets the best of him and he asks, "Why do you always order three beers?" The man replies, "One is for me and the others are for my two brothers." This goes on for several months until finally one Friday the man comes in and only orders two beers. The bartender says, "What happened? Why are you only ordering two beers?" The man says, "My wife made me join the Baptist church and I’ve had to give up drinking!"
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Train for sending in today’s report. From Mira Mesa, California comes the story of bozo Hector Ruiz who attempted to rob a laundry but fell through the roof vent and came crashing down to the floor. Our bozo quickly scrambled to his feet and fled, losing his wallet in the process. Investigating officers found the wallet and were interviewing witnesses when who should pass by but our bozo, apparently coming back for his wallet. Bad idea. The officer stopped him and asked for his ID. When he couldn’t produce one, he was placed under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Gillette, Wyoming comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was frustrated with the rising cost of gasoline. And, in typical bozo fashion, he took his frustrations out in crime. He was siphoning some gas from another car when he dropped the hose and spilled some gasoline on his pants. Not having a flashlight, he took out his lighter to see how wet his pants were. He’s recovering with second and third degree burns on his legs. He’ll be charged with theft when he’s released.
Bozo criminals for today come from Waterloo, Iowa, where bozo James Shelton and Mary Jo James wanted a few days off work. In typical bozo fashion, they hatched an elaborate scheme to get what they wanted. They fabricated a story that Mary Jo’s son had died after a lengthy illness. They sent the obituary to the local newspaper and used this as an excuse to skip work for a few days. It might have worked if they had let her son in on what was going on. He was spotted chowing down at a local restaurant a few days later. (Dead man eating?) Our bozos may get to take a few days off…in jail. They’ve been charged with tampering with records.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of a group of teenage bozos who perhaps flunked driver’s ed. Police officers responding to a report of shots fired from a vehicle pulled up to talk to our bozos only to have them speed away. Well, perhaps speed isn’t the proper term. Our bozos tried to flee, but couldn’t get their car above 35 MPH. In their haste to get away, they had forgotten to release the parking brake. They’ve been charged with fleeing arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Charlotte, North Carolina where a couple of bozos broke into the middle school and filled their pickup with audio visual equipment. Unfortunately, they forgot to also fill up their pickup with gasoline and they ran out of gas about ten miles down the road. They then added to their problems by going from house to house, asking for gas money. One resident got suspicious and called the cops who discovered the pickup full of stolen items and arrested our bozos.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Miami, Florida where bozo Thomas Morse was due to appear in court on auto theft charges. With an image to keep up, our bozo wanted to be sure he arrived in court in style, so, he did what he knew best. He stole a car to drive to the proceedings. A nice one, too, a Mercedes S500 sedan. Unfortunately, this car came equipped with a GPs system that alerted the cops that the vehicle had been stolen. Police arrested him as he pulled into the courthouse parking lot.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in London, England, where bozo1144855525
Bozo criminals for today come from Lawrence, Indiana where bozos Eugene Dixon and Jeffrey Wilks were getting impatient in the drive thru lane at McDonalds. After honking the horn and shouting at the driver in front of them, one of our bozos stuck a gun out the window and fired a shot in the air. That did speed things up, as the car in front of them sped away. It also prompted someone inside to dial 911. Our bozos were at the pick up window, waiting on their food, when the cops arrived.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Osaka, Japan, where bozo Konoshin Kawabata found an unlocked door in a university building and saw a perfect opportunity to pull off a burglary. Or so he thought. He entered the darkened room and suddenly the lights switched on and he found himself face to face with a huge sumo wrestler. And, as he turned to run, he saw it wasn’t just one sumo, but twelve. Yep, he had tried to rob the sumo dormitory. They had no problem holding him down until the police arrived.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ed Hart for sending in today’s report from Victorville, California. Bozo Mitchel Walker was appearing in court on drug and grand theft charges when he made a break for it. Somehow, he was able to elude bailiffs and guards before jumping into a waiting vehicle. Now that he was a wanted man, he hightailed it out of state, or maybe even out of the country, right? Wrong. Instead of going into hiding, our bozo simply returned to his apartment, which was one of the first places the cops looked. He’s back under arrest.
Our Bozo Criminal award for Worst Disguise goes today to Matthew Bryant of Dayton, Ohio. Mr. Bryant was spotted at the local K-Mart stuffing a DVD and a video game into his Superman costume. That’s right. He was trying to shoplift while wearing a Superman getup. Unfortunately, super speed didn’t come with the costume. Police caught him after a brief chase.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Tampa, Florida where bozo Phillip Watkins thought his dealer was trying to rip him off by selling him fake cocaine. So, he did what any upstanding bozo would do, he approached two uniformed officers and asked them if they would be so kind as to test his crack pipe to be sure the cocaine was genuine. Turns out it was. He’s under arrest for possession (of drugs, not brains).
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Prince George, Canada where our crooks pulled off a heist at the local museum. They probably would have fared better if they had tried to steal some of the artwork instead of what they did take. Our bozos stole the museum’s surveillance cameras. Guess they didn’t realize that before they disconnected the cameras, every move they made was recorded on tape, giving the police a crystal clear picture of their mugs. They were spotted and arrested a few hours later.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Australia at Ayers Rock. It seems our unidentified bozo was looking for the famous rock, which is 1100 feet high and almost six miles around. For some reason, he just couldn’t find it, so he stopped a passing police car to ask for directions. Probably not the best idea, since his car was close enough to the rock that its headlights were actually shining on it. He was arrested for drunk driving.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bunker Hill, Indiana where an unidentified bozo tried to hold up the local bank. Things were going well; he handed the teller a paper sack, she put some cash into it and he headed for the door. And that’s when things started to go downhill. In his haste to get away, our bozo crashed into the door and fell to the ground when it failed to open. Thinking the jig was up and he was locked in, our bozo simply sat down and waited for the cops to come and arrest him. Imagine his surprise when the officers simply pushed on the door from the outside and came in. Yep, the door wasn’t locked at all, he had just pushed on it when he should have pulled. He was hauled off to jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Granger, Washington, where bozo Paul Sears tried to break into a bank by crawling through the ventilation shaft (that always works in the movies). Unfortunately, he was either too large or the shaft was too small, as he quickly became stuck. Employees found him when they came into work the next day and called the cops. When the police arrived, they took one look into the shaft and asked him what he was doing in there. And that’s when he came up with this Bozo Hall of Fame response, "What do you think? I’m trying to rob the bank!" He was pulled out and arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mellrichstadt, Germany where police raided the home of a suspected drug dealer. After an initial search turned up empty, the police were getting ready to leave when one of them noticed our bozo’s pet mouse, Mickey. Poor Mickey was passed out, lying on his back in his cage. Upon further inspection it was discovered that Mickey was simply stoned, after nibbling at the stash of marijuana that had been hidden in his cage. Our bozo, like his mouse, is now behind bars.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Monterey, California where bozo Michael Clark was foiled by his poor fashion sense. Our unshaven bozo donned a black evening gown, fishnet stockings, calf-high boots and a black wig before robbing a gas station. He got away with about 300 bucks in cash and fled in a black Saab. He was pulled over a short time later when an officer noticed a black car with a pair of fishnet pantyhose hanging from the front driver’s side door, dragging on the ground. He’s under arrest.