Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Kaliningrad, Russia comes the story of a bozo cattle rustler who took a rather unique approach to his crime. He loaded the cattle into a bus and headed out of town. Guess he didn’t think a passenger bus loaded with cattle would attract the attention of the cops. He was wrong. He’s under arrest.
‘Tis the cold and flu season and that may have been what did in our bozo for today. From Sacramento, California comes the story of bozo Sudan Parmalee who walked into a bank and announced that he was there to rob it. Unfortunately, he spoke in a very low voice and with all the nasal congestion he had going on it was difficult to understand him. So, he went to another teller, said he was armed and asked for a tissue. When the teller said she had no Kleenex, our bozo walked over to a nearby pharmacy where we suppose he bought himself some tissues, and maybe some Nyquil. When he returned to the bank a few minutes later, the police were there and immediately placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Anchorage, Alaska, where bozo Kevin Palmer broke into a residence and was in the process of stealing an X-Box, some CDs and several other items when the occupants of the home woke up. And that’s when his problems really began. The homeowners didn’t exactly appreciate him robbing them and they began whaling away on him. Our badly bruised and beaten bozo staggered out of the house and immediately called the cops to report that he’d been beaten up while trying to rob a house. The police had no sympathy. He’s been charged with breaking and entering and possession of marijuana.
One thing we’ve learned over the years…Bozos and snow don’t mix. From Santa Fe, New Mexico, where they had eight inches of snow last week, comes the story of bozo Mark Marretta who stole a laptop from a government building. It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to crack the case. The cops simply followed the footprints in the snow, which led them to our bozo who was standing outside his truck, brushing the snow off. Before they even had a chance to ask him, our bozo told them he hadn’t done anything wrong. The officers begged to differ, especially after they found the missing laptop in his apartment. Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Chatham, Ontario, Canada comes the story of a couple of bozos who stole several pieces of computer equipment and stuffed it into the trunk of their car. They never made it home to try it out as they were quickly pulled over by an officer who checked the trunk and found the computers along with burglary tools. And just what was it that made the officer suspicious in the first place? The dangling computer mouse that was hanging out of the trunk. Busted!
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Orlando, Florida where an unidentified bozo from Columbia perhaps misunderstood what "Laundering" means in the drug world. Our bozo showed up at the Orlando International Airport wearing a very heavily starched shirt and equally starched jeans. The jeans were so stiff he had trouble walking. And when he did walk there was a strong smell of vinegar in the air and a trail of white powder fell from his clothes. The clothes had been "starched" with heroin. He’s now wearing unstarched prison black and whites.
Bozo criminal for today comes from El Cerrito, California, where bozo David Hastings was standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles, waiting to get his picture taken for his driver’s license. He struck up a conversation with the man in line behind him, telling him that he needed a ride since his car was in the shop. The Good Samaritan offered to give him a lift after they had their licenses processed. Once in the vehicle, our bozo shoved the man out and took off in his car. The cops had no trouble finding him, however. They just had the man look through the day’s license photos and pick him out.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cary, North Carolina, where the manager of a bank noticed bozo John Simpson pacing back and forth in front of the bank, wearing a large fake nose, a bad blonde wig and large gold-rimmed clown glasses. Before he could get up his courage to come inside, a fire trick, with its siren blaring, passed by and scared our bozo away. The bank manager called the cops, who put out an all points bulletin to be on the lookout for a bozo matching his description. And, sure enough, a short time later, our bozo showed up at another bank, wearing the same getup. He was immediately arrested.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Los Angeles, California, where bozo Sam Oswald was pursued through the Hollywood area for several blocks by police who had noticed him driving erratically. Knowing he was caught and wanting to dispose of the evidence, our bozo slowed down, opened the car door and threw out a can of beer. Unfortunately, he was not wearing a seatbelt and, while throwing out the beer, threw himself out as well. After being treated for cuts and bruises, our bozo was booked on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol.
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Rotterdam, Holland, where two bozos broke into a sports complex and were prowling around inside when they were surprised by the cops who had come to investigate the sound of the breaking glass. Bozo Number One saw the cops and made a break for it, dashing out the back door with a couple of policemen in hot pursuit. Bozo Number Two thought that the police would probably leave the premises since they had seen someone flee. Wanting to finish the job, he hid in a restroom to wait out the cops. While the police were checking out the place, they heard a cell phone go off in the restroom. Bozo Number One, who had outrun the cops, had decided to call Bozo Number Two to see how he was doing. Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Judy English for sending in today’s report. It seems the police in Jay, Oklahoma weren’t in a holiday mood when Dawn Sloan tried to give a Christmas card to her jailed boyfriend. It wasn’t the card that caused the problem, it’s what she had placed inside it. A package of marijuana. Busted! Merry Christmas!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report. From Buffalo, New York comes the story of a couple of bozos who were coming back into the United States after a trip to Canada. When the border guard asked them the reason for the their trip, they said they had been to Canada to buy 25 pounds of bird seed. Thinking this sounded a little suspicious, the guard decided to search the car. Inside he found the reason our bozos needed the seed. They were trying to smuggle several live finches back into the country. This is strictly prohibited, due to fears over bird flu and other diseases. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada where bozo Charles Frank was having a bad day. When he tried to rob a convenience store, our bozo bashed the cash register with an aluminum baseball bat, jamming the till shut so the clerk couldn’t open it. While our bozo struggled with the register, the clerk slipped away and, with some help from bystanders, barred the front door. And since the back entrance was already locked, our bozo was trapped inside. He tried to escape by climbing to the roof, but the ceiling gave way and he crashed back to the floor, just in time to be greeted by the cops.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lapel, Indiana, where bozo Cheyanne Darby started shoplifting and just couldn’t stop. She grabbed several pieces of candy and stuffed them into her pants. She then picked up a potato peeler, an ice cream scoop, some measuring spoons, two cake decorating tubes, six Rollo candy bars and a 15 ounce box of Nestle Quik. The store manager had seen what she was doing and tried to get her to stop but her pants did a pretty good job of that. As she tried to run, her overloaded drawers began to slip until they were finally down around her ankles. The police arrived, pulled up her pants and placed her under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Portland, Oregon where bozo Jason Klein was zipping through town at speeds exceeding 100 MPH. In spite of this, he failed to attract the attention of a single cop. He then rammed his car into a police cruiser, backed up and hit it again. This got the attention of the police and he was placed under arrest. Which brings up the question of why he rammed the cop car in the first place. He told officers he was mad because no one had given him a speeding ticket. He has several tickets now.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Savannah, Georgia comes the story of bozo Jeffrey Flannery who pulled up to a gate at the Hunter Army Airfield and showed the guard a worn out drivers license. The guard thought something might be up and requested a second ID. That’s when our bozo whipped out a county sheriff’s badge. The guard called the cops and found that our bozo’s license was expired and his sheriff’s badge was a fake. But what truly makes our bozo a bozo is the reason he gave for wanting to get into the military post. He just wanted to bowl a few frames on their bowling alley.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Salt Lake City, Utah comes the story of a couple of bozos who planned on using a rather unique method of making their getaway. Not successful, just unique. Prior to attempting to hold up the local credit union, our bozos prepared by purchasing masks, gloves and innertubes. Yep, innertubes. They planned to rob the credit union and then float away to safety on the nearby river. Didn’t work. They’re under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Chesterfield Township, Michigan where bozo Calvin Forester had a counterfeit check that he wanted to try to pass. So, he headed down to his local Wal Mart, which ordinarily might have been a pretty good place to start. Not today. Guess he didn’t notice the parking lot was filled with over 40 marked police cars and inside were dozens of officers in uniform who were there to help needy children pick out Christmas gifts as part of a "Shop With a Cop" charity event. Not letting a little thing like that stop him, our bozo tried to pay for his merchandise with his photocopied check. The manager was called over and, seeing what was going on, summoned one of the cops who placed our bozo under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule #4678: It’s best to keep a low profile if you’re a wanted man. From Wisconsin comes the story of bozo Calvin Bennet who was wanted on double homicide charges in Arkansas and had just been featured on America’s Most Wanted. Needless to say, this was probably not the best time for him to post his name, address and picture on an online dating site, along with the message that he "liked to cuddle." Less than 12 hours after the TV show aired, our bozo was under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Neville Hiatt for sending in today’s report. From Melbourne, Florida comes the story of bozo Ryan Carter, who just had to have one of the new Sony Playstation 3 game consoles. And as you know, they’re almost impossible to find. Our bozo heard that a store in a strip mall had one of the games, so he came up with a bozo plan. After all the stores had closed, he went to the back of the strip center and broke a window that he thought would allow him inside the store that had the playstation. Unfortunately, he miscalculated and broke the window of the jewelry store next door, setting off the silent alarm and notifying the cops. He was still looking for the playstation when the police arrived.