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Bozo criminal for today comes from Sedgwick County, Kansas, where bozo Laura Foster had just been released from the county jail after being charged with robbing a cell phone store. And, usually after being released from jail you stay on the straight and narrow at least for a while, right?

Unless, of course you are a bozo with a real hankering for Girl Scout cookies.

Just hours after her release, courthouse security staff answered a fire alarm at 3 am. Inside, they found our bozo rummaging around offices on the second and third floors, munching on a package of Girl Scout cookies and grooving to the sound of rapper Cardi B. Hope she enjoyed her short lived freedom. She’s back in jail and this time the charge is felony breaking and entering.

Once again we present someone that is not a criminal but is truly 100 percent Bozo. As is the case in America, many news anchors around the world are doing their newscasts from home rather than the TV studio. And this was the case in Spain with bozo news anchor Alfonso Merlos who was doing a segment when a semi-nude woman was clearly seen in the background of the shot. Oops. And our bozo was known to have a celebrity girlfriend and this definitely wasn’t her. Double oops. He has since apologized. Gives an entirely new meaning to the term “raw footage.”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jefferson County, Colorado, where bozo David Pierce pulled up to the drive-thru at his neighborhood bank. He dropped his deposit in the tube and sent it to the teller. Unfortunately for him, he included two bags of cocaine along with the cash he was depositing. The teller quickly called the cops who found more drugs in his car. Busted! No withdrawals allowed on this account.

The Bozo Criminal Report has been compiling some of the Bozo Excuses for violating stay at home orders during the covid-19 outbreak. Today’s report came from one of the first countries to go on lockdown during the crisis, Italy. Police there stopped our bozo for violating curfew and that’s when he offered up the Bozo Coronavirus Excuse of the week. He told the cops that he had run out of wine at home and was trying to find someplace, anyplace, that was selling wine. When told that only stores deemed essential could be open, he stated that he thought wine WAS essential. We would agree.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Palm Coast, Florida. The cops were conducting an investigation into illegal drug trafficking in the area when they arrived at our bozo’s residence. Before they knocked on the front door, they noticed the welcome mat wasn’t so welcoming. It said, “Come Back With A Warrant.” Always being good at following directions, that’s just what the cops did. When they returned, they found fentanyl and other drug paraphernalia inside. Busted!

After being on Covid-19 hiatus we return with a story that doesn’t involve criminal activity, but seems appropriate for the times. Our bozo for today, one Daniel Reardon, is an astrophysicist in Australia. Like many of us, he became bored in isolation so he decided to try to invent something that might prove helpful during the epidemic. He came up with the idea of a device that would keep you from unnecessarily touching your face by setting off an alarm when your hands neared your face. Seems like a good plan. First, he came up with a magnetic bracelet that would trigger an alarm when it encountered another magnetic field. Now, where do you place the other magnets? How about up your nose? Sure. Give it a try. He placed two magnets inside his nostrils and two others on the outside. So far, so good. Things went downhill when he removed the magnets from the outside of his nostril. Click! The two inside his nostrils stuck together. Stuck so tightly that he couldn’t remove them. When he tried to place another magnet on the outside of his nostril to try to pull the other magnet back, he lost his grip and the magnet clipped onto the other one inside his nose. He now found himself with two magnets stuck in one nostril and on in the other. Next step, a trip to the hospital where doctors were able to remove the magnets without further problems. Mr. Rocket Scientist says he’s through with magnets for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grand Ridge, Florida, where a deputy stopped to help our bozo whose car had broken down on the side of the road. The observant officer noticed a strong smell of marijuana emanating from our bozo and a quick search turned up a marijuana cigarette…in her bra. This discovery led to a search of the car which turned up half a pound of crystal methamphetamine, additional quantities of marijuana packaged for sale, scales, and US currency. BUSTed! Charged with trafficking in a controlled substance and possession of marijuana with intent to distribute.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Ashland, Louisiana. It seems bozo Stormy Parker showed up at the jail to pay the bond fee for a friend that was being held on drug charges. A nice thing to do, right? Well, maybe not. As the cops were counting out the $5000 in cash they noticed a familiar aroma. The money smelled strongly of marijuana which led the cops to search her car where they found $40,000 more in cash inside, along with about 100 Klonopin pills and a food stamp card that wasn’t registered to her. A search of her residence turned up hundreds of additional pills and cash as well as marijuana, cocaine and paraphernalia. She’s busted! Charged with multiple counts of possession with intent to distribute drugs, four counts of illegal use of a controlled drug in the presence of persons under 17, taking contraband to or into a correctional institution and other related charges. No word on the fate of her friend.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Slidell, Louisiana, where our unidentified bozo was pulled over by the cops for having an expired license plate. And we’re not talking a few months here. This one was from 1997. Yep He was driving a car with plates that were 23 years old. Checking license plates must not be a big priority in Louisiana. And his Bozo Excuse? He told the cop he was sorry, he had been busy lately and had totally forgotten to get them renewed. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Porterville, California, where there have been a number of residential thefts. After security lights failed to deter the thieves, who were “stealing tools out of vehicles and anything else they could get their hands on”, one resident took matters into his own hands. He went on Amazon and ordered the most powerful sprinkler head he could find. He then rigged it up to a motion detector device that would trigger a strong jet of water whenever anyone came nearby. Worked like a charm. Security camera footage shows our bozo pedaling away on his bicycle after being hit by the stream of water.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boone County, Kentucky, where our 18-year-old bozo and two accomplices targeted unlocked vehicles in the area and grabbed whatever they could find inside. Things were going pretty well until our bozo decided to use one of the credit cards he had stolen at a Footlocker store in the Tri-County Mall. No problem, right? Wrong. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to link the purchase he made to his personal Footlocker rewards account. Oops. Busted! He and his friends face multiple felony theft charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Merrill, Wisconsin. I recent days there has been a bit of global hysteria concerning coronavirus. And the cops in this Wisconsin town decided to extend a helping hand to any bozos that might have worries about the virus. They posted on social media that they would test methamphetamine for coronavirus for free and would even make housecalls. And apparently a lot of bozos were in need of their services. So far, the post has had over 3000 reactions and 4000 shares. To protect and serve, indeed!

Our Bozo Report for today features our first every instance of eyebrow-threading theft. And it was by a man. It seems our bozo had his brows done at a Nashville, Tennessee shop and jumped up and ran out without paying. The story would end there except, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to return to the shop to have his brows done again a couple of weeks later. The shop owner recognized our bozo and refused him service. And that’s when things got ugly. He flipped over a table and broke a computer monitor before the cops were called and Hairy was placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today comes from Kalamazoo, Michigan, where cops received a call regarding a disturbance at a residence. When they arrived, our bozo had already left, but he was familiar to police from previous warrants against him. Cops were on the lookout and when he was spotted a short time later, a chase ensued through residential streets. When he pulled onto I-94, spikes were set up to stop him. Didn’t work. He ran over the strips, getting flat tires in the process, but he kept going. What he didn’t account for was that the friction of the flat tire caused the one on the right front wheel to burst into flames. So, now, what’s a bozo to do? Pull into the nearest Nissan dealer for service. Yep, that’s what he did. He was placed under arrest. No word on the fate of the tire.

Bozo criminals for today from Clearwater, Florida, had their big heist of the local CVS planned out to the last detail…well, except for one thing. Here’s how it played out. Surveillance camera footage shows one of our bozos casing out the drugstore the day before the robbery. Check. On the big day, our three bozos burst in at 5 am when the store wasn’t busy. Check. They wore blue surgical gloves so as not to leave prints. Check. They waved guns at employees and then bound them with zip ties. Check. They then whipped out white garbage bags and filled them with a massive amount of drugs. More than 10,000 hydrocodone and oxycodone pills, valued at more than $320,000. Check and done! Well, not quite. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, as they sped away, they were taking the pills out of their bottles and tossing the bottles out the car window. Police officers literally followed the trail of empty bottles like bread crumbs and it lead straight to a residence, where they found our bozos, and the thousands of pills, inside. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Montgomery, Ohio, where bozo Jessica Cain was being held on charges of assaulting and robbing an 85 year-old man she met at a casino. Security footage shows our bozo moving some chairs around in the jail facility and climbing up into the ceiling as other inmates cheered her on. Her freedom only lasted about 15 seconds before the ceiling gave way and our bozo unceremoniously crash landed in a trash can. She’s now looking at new charges of escape and destruction of property.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Schenato for sending in today’s report from Louisville, Kentucky. In a case of really bad timing, our bozo decided to hold up a Cane’s Chicken Fingers restaurant. His plan called for a late evening robbery, when the store wasn’t too busy. He barged in, flashed a gun and demanded cash, ignoring the couple out on a date night seated at a back booth. Unfortunately for him, the couple at the back booth were two married police officers. Uh-oh. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Summerfield, Florida, where bozo Juan Ramirez was looking for an auto parts store. So, he did what any bozo would do…he flashed his lights at a County Sheriff’s squad car. The officer obliged and pulled over and when he took a look inside the car, our bozo’s troubles really began. He smelled alcohol and noticed our bozo’s eyes were bloodshot. When he failed a field sobriety test, he blamed it on a “physical disability.” Strike one. And what’s that in your pocket? A “dime bag” that tested positive for cocaine. Strike two. He then blew a 0.137 on the breathalyzer. Strike three. Busted! Maybe he should have asked the officer for directions to a good lawyer’s office.