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Bozo criminals for today from Ypsilanti, Michigan, are a classic case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. The cops received a call of four masked men causing a disturbance at the local Sunoco convenience store. Since there had been an armed robbery at the store a couple of days before, the cops assumed it might be the same guys back for more. When the cops arrived, the four men, who may have simply been wearing masks to protect themselves from the coronavirus, fled. The cops gave chase and when they caught up with our bozos, it was determined that they were not the suspected robbers. BUT, a concealed weapon was found on one of them and a quick check found another to be in possession of drugs and another to have an outstanding warrant. Oops. They’re busted!

We here at the Bozo Report are fully aware that these have been very stressful times. And all this stress has led some folks who might not ordinarily do such things to come over to the Bozo side. Such is the case today from the International File in Frome, Somerset, England. Our bozo, who is only identified as “Dave” had a rather momentous birthday approaching. And, during the Covid-19 lockdown, how do you celebrate? Well, if you’re “Dave” you strip off all your clothes and go for a naked bicycle ride through the neighborhood. Taking all things into consideration, the cops decided to let him off with a warning. Happy Birthday, Dave!

Longtime bozo fans may remember a similar story from the US a couple of years back, but apparently our bozo friends didn’t learn from the previous bozo’s mistake. From Harworth in England’s East Midlands comes today’s story. Officers went to a residence with a warrant and two bozos quickly fled into the nearby woods. As they were conducting a search, one of the officers heard a familiar sound. Someone letting one rip in a nearby bush. Yep, he just couldn’t hold that fart in one second longer. The cop, with a nose for such things, tracked him down and quickly placed him under arrest. His less gassy accomplice was found later hiding behind a fireplace.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oakland County, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of an unusual vehicle driving down Milford Road late at night. What they found definitely wasn’t what they expected. Our bozo was cruising down the road in a Caterpillar front end loader. Since there wasn’t any construction going on at that time of night, our bozo was immediately pulled over. Apparently he had stolen it from a worksite nearby. He offered no explanation for his actions. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California, in the California wine country. Webcam footage from a Cherokee Freight Lines tanker truck shows our bozo pull in front of the big rig, with his hazard flashers on, directing the driver to pull over. The trucker stops, thinking he has a mechanical problem. And that’s when things got weird. Really weird. Bozo Gabriel Montez, clad only in his underwear, jumps out of his car and runs to the back of the truck, disappearing from the driver’s view. The trucker decides the best thing to do is get out of there so he pulls back onto the freeway. With the truck now back up to speed, our bozo reappears, climbing on the side of the truck. Hanging on for dear life, our bozo positions himself near the bottom of the tanker and opens up a valve. Suddenly, the trucks cargo of red wine begins flowing out and our bozo sticks his face into the stream and gulps down as much as possible. The driver called the cops and our now drunken bozo was placed under arrest but not before the truck lost about 1000 gallons of red wine, most of it ending up on the highway. Cheers!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where our bozo was involved in a traffic accident. Must have been a slow news day in Atlanta, as the local TV station sent a crew over to cover the wreck. While the photographer was setting up his camera, our bozo decided it might be a good time to get outta there. She jumped in the news van, which was still running, and drove away. Unfortunately for her, the TV reporter was still inside and she let the cops know what was going on and they joined in the chase. Our bozo went two for two this day as she hadn’t gone very far in the stolen van before she crashed it also. Fortunately, no one was injured. She’s been charged with kidnapping with other charges to follow.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sedgwick County, Kansas, where bozo Laura Foster had just been released from the county jail after being charged with robbing a cell phone store. And, usually after being released from jail you stay on the straight and narrow at least for a while, right?

Unless, of course you are a bozo with a real hankering for Girl Scout cookies.

Just hours after her release, courthouse security staff answered a fire alarm at 3 am. Inside, they found our bozo rummaging around offices on the second and third floors, munching on a package of Girl Scout cookies and grooving to the sound of rapper Cardi B. Hope she enjoyed her short lived freedom. She’s back in jail and this time the charge is felony breaking and entering.

Once again we present someone that is not a criminal but is truly 100 percent Bozo. As is the case in America, many news anchors around the world are doing their newscasts from home rather than the TV studio. And this was the case in Spain with bozo news anchor Alfonso Merlos who was doing a segment when a semi-nude woman was clearly seen in the background of the shot. Oops. And our bozo was known to have a celebrity girlfriend and this definitely wasn’t her. Double oops. He has since apologized. Gives an entirely new meaning to the term “raw footage.”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Jefferson County, Colorado, where bozo David Pierce pulled up to the drive-thru at his neighborhood bank. He dropped his deposit in the tube and sent it to the teller. Unfortunately for him, he included two bags of cocaine along with the cash he was depositing. The teller quickly called the cops who found more drugs in his car. Busted! No withdrawals allowed on this account.

The Bozo Criminal Report has been compiling some of the Bozo Excuses for violating stay at home orders during the covid-19 outbreak. Today’s report came from one of the first countries to go on lockdown during the crisis, Italy. Police there stopped our bozo for violating curfew and that’s when he offered up the Bozo Coronavirus Excuse of the week. He told the cops that he had run out of wine at home and was trying to find someplace, anyplace, that was selling wine. When told that only stores deemed essential could be open, he stated that he thought wine WAS essential. We would agree.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Palm Coast, Florida. The cops were conducting an investigation into illegal drug trafficking in the area when they arrived at our bozo’s residence. Before they knocked on the front door, they noticed the welcome mat wasn’t so welcoming. It said, “Come Back With A Warrant.” Always being good at following directions, that’s just what the cops did. When they returned, they found fentanyl and other drug paraphernalia inside. Busted!

After being on Covid-19 hiatus we return with a story that doesn’t involve criminal activity, but seems appropriate for the times. Our bozo for today, one Daniel Reardon, is an astrophysicist in Australia. Like many of us, he became bored in isolation so he decided to try to invent something that might prove helpful during the epidemic. He came up with the idea of a device that would keep you from unnecessarily touching your face by setting off an alarm when your hands neared your face. Seems like a good plan. First, he came up with a magnetic bracelet that would trigger an alarm when it encountered another magnetic field. Now, where do you place the other magnets? How about up your nose? Sure. Give it a try. He placed two magnets inside his nostrils and two others on the outside. So far, so good. Things went downhill when he removed the magnets from the outside of his nostril. Click! The two inside his nostrils stuck together. Stuck so tightly that he couldn’t remove them. When he tried to place another magnet on the outside of his nostril to try to pull the other magnet back, he lost his grip and the magnet clipped onto the other one inside his nose. He now found himself with two magnets stuck in one nostril and on in the other. Next step, a trip to the hospital where doctors were able to remove the magnets without further problems. Mr. Rocket Scientist says he’s through with magnets for a while.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Grand Ridge, Florida, where a deputy stopped to help our bozo whose car had broken down on the side of the road. The observant officer noticed a strong smell of marijuana emanating from our bozo and a quick search turned up a marijuana cigarette…in her bra. This discovery led to a search of the car which turned up half a pound of crystal methamphetamine, additional quantities of marijuana packaged for sale, scales, and US currency. BUSTed! Charged with trafficking in a controlled substance and possession of marijuana with intent to distribute.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Ashland, Louisiana. It seems bozo Stormy Parker showed up at the jail to pay the bond fee for a friend that was being held on drug charges. A nice thing to do, right? Well, maybe not. As the cops were counting out the $5000 in cash they noticed a familiar aroma. The money smelled strongly of marijuana which led the cops to search her car where they found $40,000 more in cash inside, along with about 100 Klonopin pills and a food stamp card that wasn’t registered to her. A search of her residence turned up hundreds of additional pills and cash as well as marijuana, cocaine and paraphernalia. She’s busted! Charged with multiple counts of possession with intent to distribute drugs, four counts of illegal use of a controlled drug in the presence of persons under 17, taking contraband to or into a correctional institution and other related charges. No word on the fate of her friend.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Slidell, Louisiana, where our unidentified bozo was pulled over by the cops for having an expired license plate. And we’re not talking a few months here. This one was from 1997. Yep He was driving a car with plates that were 23 years old. Checking license plates must not be a big priority in Louisiana. And his Bozo Excuse? He told the cop he was sorry, he had been busy lately and had totally forgotten to get them renewed. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Porterville, California, where there have been a number of residential thefts. After security lights failed to deter the thieves, who were “stealing tools out of vehicles and anything else they could get their hands on”, one resident took matters into his own hands. He went on Amazon and ordered the most powerful sprinkler head he could find. He then rigged it up to a motion detector device that would trigger a strong jet of water whenever anyone came nearby. Worked like a charm. Security camera footage shows our bozo pedaling away on his bicycle after being hit by the stream of water.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Boone County, Kentucky, where our 18-year-old bozo and two accomplices targeted unlocked vehicles in the area and grabbed whatever they could find inside. Things were going pretty well until our bozo decided to use one of the credit cards he had stolen at a Footlocker store in the Tri-County Mall. No problem, right? Wrong. For reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to link the purchase he made to his personal Footlocker rewards account. Oops. Busted! He and his friends face multiple felony theft charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Merrill, Wisconsin. I recent days there has been a bit of global hysteria concerning coronavirus. And the cops in this Wisconsin town decided to extend a helping hand to any bozos that might have worries about the virus. They posted on social media that they would test methamphetamine for coronavirus for free and would even make housecalls. And apparently a lot of bozos were in need of their services. So far, the post has had over 3000 reactions and 4000 shares. To protect and serve, indeed!

Our Bozo Report for today features our first every instance of eyebrow-threading theft. And it was by a man. It seems our bozo had his brows done at a Nashville, Tennessee shop and jumped up and ran out without paying. The story would end there except, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to return to the shop to have his brows done again a couple of weeks later. The shop owner recognized our bozo and refused him service. And that’s when things got ugly. He flipped over a table and broke a computer monitor before the cops were called and Hairy was placed under arrest.