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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Kuras for sending in today’s report. From Jackson, Michigan comes the story of bozo Michael Hardy who was wanted for assault and failed to show for his scheduled appearance before the judge. Officers got an anonymous tip telling them that our bozo was planning to flee town, so they drove by his residence and noticed a big garage sale was in progress. Plainclothes officers struck up a conversation with the woman selling the items and negotiated a price for the freezer she had for sale. When the cop told her he’d need some help loading it into his truck, she went into the house and brought out her husband, our bozo. Busted! He’s under arrest.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Englewood, Colorado where bozo Kelly Baxter was in need of some cash, so he used a check in a truly bozo fashion. He scratched out his name on the front of one of his checks and wrote a hold up note on the back, which he presented to a teller at the Bank of the West. The teller gave him his money but retained the check, which the police used to track down and arrest our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hempstead, New York where bozo Barry Miller had been charged with drunken driving and possession of marijuana. He appeared before the judge and pled guilty in exchange for not having to serve time. As part of the deal, the judge asked our bozo to hand over his conditional drivers license. The judge took the folded up license and was shocked to find, inside its folds, some marijuana. Busted! He’s headed back to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Michael Tooher for sending in today’s report. From Portland, Maine comes the story of bozo Daniel Carson who put on a hard hat and reflective vest and, after telling a security guard that he was here to take a Pepsi vending machine back to the plant for repairs, began an attempt to remove it from the Westgate Shopping Center. A few things aroused suspicion. Number one: He tried to remove the machine by dragging it out with a length of rope tied to his pickup. Number two: The pickup had become stuck in the the shopping center’s flower beds. And number three: It was 3:30 in the morning. The security guard called the cops who placed our bozo under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Frankfurt, Germany where a group of bozo drug dealers forgot something very important when they returned to their rental car. They left behind $60,000 worth of heroin that they had hidden in the car’s first aid kit. The crew that was making the car ready for another customer found the dope and called the cops who used the rental car records to track down and arrest our bozos.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from the International File in Goerwihl, Germany. Our bozo for today was involved in an accident where he plowed into two parked cars. Unable to restart his car, our bozo fled on foot. Investigating officers were quickly able to determine at least part of the reason for the accident. They found a half eaten spaghetti carbonara dinner inside the car, which our bozo had apparently been chowing down upon at the time of the crash. Using vehicle records, the cops payed a visit to our bozo’s home. When he answered the door, the cops noticed stains from the meal on his shirt and there was even a stray piece of spaghetti still in his hair. Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Boston, Massachusetts where a couple of bozo college freshmen had just moved into their dorm room at Northeastern University. Thinking this was the land of opportunity, one of them leaned out the dorm window and shouted, "If you’re looking for weed, my roommate has some for sale!" Bad idea. Two plainclothes police officers in the building heard the offer and walked up to their dorm room and busted our bozos.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sheboygan, Wisconsin where police paid a visit to bozo George Harper’s house after he missed a meeting with his probation officer. The cops were preparing to take him in when our bozo asked if he could put on a pair of pants. Certainly, one of the officers said, and followed him into his bedroom. It was there that his troubles really began. There was a bong sitting in plain sight by the bed and when our bozo opened a drawer to get out a pair of pants, what should be on top but a large baggie of marijuana. Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from De Soto, Missouri where three bozos wanted some beer really bad, but were a little short of cash. So, they came up with the ultimate Bozo Distraction. One of our bozos donned a mask and stripped naked. He walked into a convenience store and began doing a hula dance in front of the clerk, hoping to distract him while his accomplice stole a case of beer. They then rushed back to their getaway car where our third bozo was waiting. Must not have been a very impressive hula as the clerk was able to keep his wits about him and call the cops after a customer got their license plate number. Our bozos have been charged with theft and indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eugene, Oregon where police vice squad officers had raided an apartment and were questioning the tenant when our bozo stopped by. He walked up to one of the officers who was wearing a badge and asked him if he could hook him up with some drugs. The officer told him he couldn’t help him. Not wanting to take no for an answer, our bozo asked the same question of another officer who wasn’t quite so obliging. He checked our bozo out, found him to be in possession of marijuana and placed him under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminals for today come from the International File. From Manchester, England comes the story of bozo Roland Tweed and five of his bozo cohorts who held up a department store. One of our bozo’s duties was to be the official photographer of the crime. He snapped pictures of the group before, during and after the break-in. The gang got away clean and might still be free today if not for that film, which our bozo dropped off for developing at the one hour photo shop in the very department store they had robbed. The person developing the film realized what the pictures were and called the cops.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Milwaukee, Wisconsin where bozo Mark Alexander was accused of stealing a bright red Mercedes Benz. After being charged, our bozo came before the judge with a rather unique idea for making his $5,000 bail. Could he use the stolen car as collateral? Nope. He was sent back to his cell.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from West Haven, Connecticut where bozo Kenneth James walked into a convenience store and offered the clerk a dollar bill for a pack of gum. When the clerk opened the drawer, our bozo grabbed about $40 in cash and fled. After a while, our bozo began to feel some remorse and walked back into the store and said to the clerk, "Did I pay for the gum?" Unfortunately for our bozo, he returned at about the same time that the cops arrived to investigate the robbery. He was quickly arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 7887: It’s usually a good idea to eat before you commit a crime. From El Cerrito, California comes the story of bozo Royce Richards who carjacked a vehicle, forcing the owner to drive to a bank to withdraw money from an ATM before kicking him out of the car. The owner immediately called the cops and our bozo immediately headed out to get something to eat. The police were on the lookout for the vehicle and spotted it in the drive thru lane at the local Jack in the Box. Our bozo was so intent on getting his order that he didn’t even notice the police cruiser in line behind him. He was arrested before he could enjoy his burger.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Newark, New Jersey where bozo Ronnie Hamer was pulled over by the cops for speeding. As the officer was asking our bozo a few routine questions, the bozo became more and more nervous, finally reaching into the glove compartment for a smoke. As he pulled out the cigarette pack, what should fall from the pack and into plain view of the officer but a marijuana cigarette. The car was searched and $32,000 worth of drug money and several pounds of marijuana were found. Maybe next time our bozo should try using the patch.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Modesto, California where bozo Joshua Moreno had been placed under a restraining order by his wife. Now bozo Joshua wanted this order lifted, so he did what any bozo would do … he went before the judge to make the request. Pretending to be his wife. In a dress, high heels, red lipstick, long black wig and speaking in a high-pitched falsetto voice. Maybe it was his five o’clock shadow that gave him away. The judge was not fooled and had our bozo arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marietta, Georgia where bozo Garrett Livingston robbed a bank and fled. He then immediately tried to blend in by walking across the street and joining a function that was going on at a church. That was his first mistake. His second was walking around with money falling out of his pants and t-shirt. And his third and fatal mistake was attending a church function that was also attended by two former New York cops who quickly figured out what was going on and held on to our bozo until backup arrived.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report from Smyrna, Tennessee. Bozo Matthew Robinson had been a very busy thief, stealing DVD players, Ipods, a couple of air compressors, a power washer, power tools, a scooter, leaf blower, fishing equipment, a Nintendo game and a bible from seven residences in the area. And he had all this loot in his pickup truck when he pulled into the Sonic Drive In parking lot and fell asleep. The manager thought something might be amiss and called the cops who came by and arrested our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Mainz, Germany where an unidentified bozo walked into a bank and demanded cash. The teller refused, perhaps because of the weapons our bozo used to threaten him with. A water pistol and a potato peeler. After a brief standoff, our bozo left empty handed. He was arrested by the cops five minutes later, as he wandered down a nearby street, still wearing his ski mask.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wyalusing, Pennsylvania where an unidentified bozo tried to hold up the French fry stand at the annual carnival. Our bozo grabbed the cash drawer and was preparing to make his getaway when the French fry cook saw what was going on and hurled a large basket of fries in his direction. The combination of grease and hot fries caused our bozo to slip down. Bystanders were able to keep the slippery thief down until the police arrived.