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Bozo criminal for today comes from Coos Bay, Oregon, where bozo Albert Tucker had big plans to rob a tire store. He had hoped to tunnel into the facility and steal a large number of expensive truck tires. The tunnel was completed and our bozo found himself inside the tire storage area, which contained only tires, nothing else, and was not connected to the main store. And that brings us to his problem. The tunnel he dug was big enough for him to crawl through, but was not big enough to get a tire through. Oops. Police used fingerprint evidence to track down our bozo.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Laura Davidson for sending in today’s report. From Oregon City, Oregon, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who at least had the Christmas spirit. He knocked on the door of a residence supposedly to ask for directions and when the homeowner opened the door, he pulled out a handgun and demanded cash. The homeowner convinced our bozo that he had no cash or valuables in the home. With that, our bozo apologized and, as he was leaving, wished the homeowner a Merry Christmas. Police are looking for our cheerful suspect.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where bozo Warren Wilhite walked into a convenience store at 3 AM and headed for the snack aisle, where he stuffed eight pickled sausages into his jacket before grabbing two six packs of beer. Seeing that our bozo had already had a few too many, the clerk refused to sell to him and asked him to leave, which he did. Once in the parking lot, our bozo noticed a Krispy Kreme donut truck with the keys in it. The temptation was just too great. He took off in the truck and before long was being chased by the cops. The chase finally ended when our bozo rammed a patrol car and crashed. He was placed under arrest. No word if the cops impounded the donuts.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Augusta, Georgia where bozo Michael Clark tried to return a computer printer to the local Target store. The clerk took a look at it and noticed a piece of paper inside. When he removed it, he discovered printed on the paper were copies of a $20 and a $10 bill. Yep, our bozo was trying to return the printer after using it to print up a batch of counterfeit money. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Missoula, Montana, where bozo Michael Austin allegedly stole some Christmas trees and decorations from the local Christmas store. He then proceeded to put up a couple of the trees in his yard and stacked several wreaths up in the driveway. Which might have been OK except he left the company’s red and yellow sales tags on the trees. And his problems were compounded when the owner of the store drove by our bozo’s house and noticed the trees in the yard. He’s been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Klamath County, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Jimmie Carlson who was pulled over by the cops for speeding. The officer noticed that our bozo seemed a little nervous and he started to sweat when the officer asked him about the nicely wrapped Christmas present in his car. When the officer found four weapons inside the car, he decided that Christmas was going to come early this year and had our bozo unwrap the present. Inside the neatly wrapped package: Two pounds of marijuana. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Reno, Nevada, where bozo Rudy Arguello tried to rob a motel guest as he was packing luggage into his truck. The first sign he was in trouble was when the victim fought back, grabbing our bozo’s gun and firing it into the air. Thinking it might be a good idea to get out of there, our bozo fled, but was quickly spotted by a police officer. In an effort to lose the cop, he ducked into a building where he promptly ran onto a freshly poured concrete floor. He was pulled out before he got stuck and placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Aiken, South Carolina, where bozo Alexander Shafer walked into a bank and asked to open an account. The teller said she’d be glad to…and how much would he like to deposit? That’s when our bozo slid a bill across to her. A very large bill. A $1,000,000 bill. Of course, there’s never been a $1,000,000 bill. But our bozo wasn’t going to take no for an answer and be began cursing and shouting at the teller, demanding that she deposit the bill. While he was having his hissy fit, the cops were called and our bozo was arrested for forgery.

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Salt Lake City, Utah, where bozo Morgan Slattery was drinking at the local bar when he noticed one of the pool players had left his car keys lying on a table while he played. The temptation was just too great. He grabbed the keys and left the bar, driving off in the vehicle. Unfortunately for him, the whole thing was caught on the bar’s surveillance camera. Still, he might have gotten away with it except for one little thing. He left behind his pool cue and debit card. And when he came back to retrieve those items, he ran into the cops who were on the scene investigating. He’s under arrest. And he’s still on the hook for his $40 bar tab.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Natick, Massachusetts, comes the story of a team of bozos who were shoplifting items at the local mall. One bozo would steal the stuff and then hand it off to one of three female accomplices how would then stash the loot in their car in the parking lot. Things began to fall apart when the thief was arrested inside the mall. And the girls were having problems of their own, too. It was a busy holiday weekend, the mall parking lot was packed and somehow or other they forgot where they had parked. So, they did the proper bozo thing…they asked a police officer to help them find their car. Bad idea. He recognized one of them as an accomplice and placed all three under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in West Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, where three bozos were pulled over after a patrolman noticed them make an illegal turn. Things started to go from bad to worse when the officer noticed the smell of marijuana wafting from inside the vehicle. It was when he asked the driver to step outside that the other two bozos sprang into action. Trying to come up with a way to get out of the jam they were in, one of them dialed 911 and reported a robbery in progress at a nearby bank, hoping to distract the officer. Didn’t work. He continued with his search and found more than 11 kilos of marijuana inside the car. And when the trace on the 911 call came back, charges of misuse of 911 were added to our bozos’ rap sheets.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today proves that Bozos never take a holiday. From Greenville, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Paul Albert who broke into a residence on Thanksgiving evening and stole the Thanksgiving meal, which the owner had left sitting out while he went to visit a friend. Neighbors noticed our bozo leaving the house carrying a cardboard box atop which he was balancing a party platter featuring assorted holiday munchies. The police arrived and spotted a trail of food in the street, including carrot and celery sticks and deviled eggs. The cops followed the trail of food to our bozo’s home where he was arrested but not before he had eaten much of the Thanksgiving feast.

(Best of Bozo) As we all gather for the Thanksgiving Holiday, it’s only appropriate that our bozo for today comes from the Domestic Dispute Division. From Carrollton, Texas comes the story of an unidentified couple, a 92 year-old woman and her 86 year-old husband. It seems the two lovebirds got into a verbal altercation in which the 92 year-old woman swatted the 86 year-old man with a rolled up newspaper (well, it does always work with the dog). The dispute became more and more heated and police had to be called to calm the two parties down. The cops arrived and discovered the fight was over laundry. The woman was upset because, as she said, she couldn’t remember how many times she’d told him not to put her red socks in with his white T-shirts. For his part, the man, who is hard of hearing, said he’d rather go to jail than put up with any more of her complaining. Cooler heads prevailed and no charges were filed. Maybe they can just have their laundry sent out…

Bozo criminals for today come from Scarborough, Ontario, Canada, where three teenage boys made big plans to rob an electronics store. They put on ski masks to conceal their identity, armed themselves with a hunting knife, and had their getaway car waiting outside. Sounds like the perfect plan for a stick-up, except for one thing. As they entered the store, they failed to notice the two uniformed police officers, standing directly outside the store, directing traffic. A customer alerted the cops as to what was going on and our bozos were quickly placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Vancouver, Washington, where bozo Nicholas Larson filled out an application to rent a room at the Guest House Motel, giving the clerk his driver’s license and other personal information. After checking in, he came back to the front desk and told the same clerk that had taken all his personal information that this was a robbery and he wanted cash. She refused to give him any and called the cops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Mt. Ommaney, Australia, where our crooks broke into the offices of Fleetlink GPS and stole more than $13,000 worth of equipment including several in-car navigation systems. It took five days, but finally curiosity got the best of one of our bozos and he plugged one of the devices in. Bad idea. This immediately alerted the company as to the exact whereabouts of the device and also of our bozos, who are now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Atlanta, Georgia, where bozo Mohammed Akbar needed change for a $100 bill. It was 4:30 in the morning and the only place open was a 24-hour drive-thru burger joint, so our bozo drove through and asked if they could break the big bill. Which might have been an OK idea except for the assault rifle that the clerk saw laying in his lap. When our bozo noticed the clerk had seen the gun, he tried to claim he was a cop. Which again might have been an OK idea except for the fact he was slurring his words and was obviously intoxicated. And right after stating he was an officer of the law, our bozo fell asleep. Right there in the drive-thru. The clerk called the cops who awakened and arrested our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 34098: The county jail probably isn’t the best place to attempt a heist. From Portage, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Aaron Mays who pulled his car up to a restricted area behind the jail. He got out and was attempting to load a large wooden pallet onto his truck when he was approached by officers. They didn’t buy his excuse that he worked for a pallet company and was picking it up for them. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and drug possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hebron, Connecticut, where bozo Brian Powell ran out of beer before his party ran out. So, he did what any bozo would do. He dialed 911 and told them it was an emergency; he needed them to bring him some beer. The dispatcher politely informed him that 911 was not running a beer delivery service and hung up. Not one to give up easily, our bozo called several more times, each time becoming more insistent in demanding that they deliver his beer. Finally, officers were dispatched to deliver him something, but it wasn’t beer. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bill Richards for sending in today’s report. From Danbury, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Scott Smalley who walked into the police station, a non-smoking facility, puffing on a cigar. That’s mistake number one. He then leaned up to the thick glass partition separating the front desk officer from the public and blew smoke through the small opening in the glass and into the officer’s face. That’s mistake number two. He then ground the cigar out on the floor in front of the window. That’s mistake number three. His fourth and final mistake was his choice of smoking material. He had stuffed a large amount of marijuana inside the cigar and officers quickly recognized the aroma. Busted!