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Bozo criminals for today from New York City must be big fans of the movie "Weekend at Bernie’s." When our two bozos discovered that a neighbor of theirs had died alone in his apartment, they hatched the Bozo Scheme of the Month. They placed the dead body into an office chair and wheeled it down the sidewalk, with both of them trying to keep the corpse propped up so it wouldn’t flop from side to side. When they arrived at a check-cashing store, they left the body outside and told the clerk inside they wanted to cash his $355 Social Security check. The clerk, who knew the deceased, asked them where the man was and told them they would have to bring him inside to cash the check. While this was going on, a crowd had gathered around the obviously dead body sitting in an office chair on the sidewalk. And in that group, a police detective who was having lunch next door. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Wigan, England, where bozo Stephan Wall was scheduled to appear in court and, as he was passing through security, pulled a lump of cannabis resin out of his pocket. He told the guard what it was and asked him what he should do with it. The guard told him that, since it was an illegal substance, he would have to leave it outside the court. And, to make it easier to identify later, the guard asked our bozo to please sign a receipt confirming the cannabis was his, which he gladly did. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Bexhill, England, where bozo Amber McIntyre paid a visit to her hotel’s breakfast bar before heading over to a nearby florist shop. Once there, she stole some cash from the store’s till and grabbed some flowers before heading back to her room at the hotel. Police had no problem tracking her down. Remember that visit she made to the breakfast bar? Apparently, she filled her pockets with corn flakes, which gradually fell out, leaving the officers a nice corn flake trail from the florist back to the hotel. She’s been charged with theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Wenatchee, Washington, comes the story of bozo James Hampton who crashed his car into a light pole. When investigating officers arrived on the scene, our bozo knew he’d had a little too much to drink so he came up with our Bozo Excuse of the Month to explain the accident. He told the officers he was trying to dodge a pterodactyl when he wrecked his car. Probably not the best excuse. Pterodactyls became extinct more than 65 million years ago. He’s been charged with reckless driving.

Bozo criminal for today perhaps should have joined the rest of us in making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight. From the International File in Xi’an, China, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who tried to break into a home by crawling through a window. We say tried, because he didn’t make it all the way inside before becoming stuck. The head and shoulders made it but the belly wouldn’t. When the homeowner arrived and found him in such a precarious situation, he called the cops who unstuck and arrested our bozo.

Our bozos for today don’t really qualify as criminals, but they are without doubt bozos. From Chaparral, New Mexico, comes the story of bozos Robert Green and Joey Arroyo who decided they wanted to get a tattoo. Not just any tattoo, but a tattoo of their favorite gun, a .357 Magnum. And since they just happened to have one, our first bozo decided to use it to trace a pattern of the gun on bozo number two’s arm, so the tattoo artist would have something to work from. They never made it to the tattoo parlor. The gun went off while they were tracing its outline, striking bozo number one in the hand and bozo number two in the arm. No charges were filed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Madison Heights, Michigan comes the story of bozo Thomas Henningan who wanted to break into a car, hoping to find something valuable. And, thinking it might be more profitable to break into several cars at a time, he went looking for a lot that was full of them. He found one and was in the process of rifling through the first car he came across when he suddenly found himself surrounded by the cops. The reason? He had selected the police department parking lot and the cars he was attempting to burglarize were marked police cruisers. Oops. He’s under arrest.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today went to the well, or in his case, the bank, too often. From Baltimore, Maryland, comes the story of bozo Jeff Tarver who held up a Signet Bank there, getting away with a sizable amount of cash. Our bozo must have decided this was pretty easy work, because he went back to the same bank a few days later and held it up again. This time he felt so at home in the bank that he stopped at one of the counters to tally up his take before leaving. He didn’t even notice one of the employees calling the cops who hurried over and nabbed him before he even left the bank.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Fairfield, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Gary Harper who was trying to break into a car at 12:30 the other morning. The pounding coming from the driveway woke up the homeowner who took a look outside and couldn’t believe what he saw. Our bozo, dressed in a full clown suit, complete with a pink and black flowered dress and giant clown shoes, was attempting to break into his car. The homeowner shouted at him and he ran off. The cops were called, and, not surprisingly, they had no trouble catching up to our bozo. It’s tough to run in a dress and clown shoes.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Detroit, Michigan where bozo Mary Sparks was doing a little shoplifting at a neighborhood department store, stuffing clothes and other items into a large duffel bag that she had in her shopping cart. Just as she was about to make her getaway she noticed a couple of police officers watching her. Frantically, she started putting items back on the shelf, eventually deciding that it was not worth it and walked out of the store leaving her duffel bag and shopping cart behind. As the cops were going through the bag they found our bozo had also left behind her purse which contained her ID. They called our bozo and told her that some good citizen had found her purse and that she could pick it up at the police station. Like any good bozo she went down to get it and was arrested.

(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from the Internal Affairs Division. From Waukesha, Wisconsin comes the story of Officer "Nutz", a seven year old German Shepherd on the city drug enforcement team. It seems Officer Nutz escaped from his kennel and headed straight to a nearby grocery store where he triggered the automatic door and walked right in. Our K-9 bozo trotted up to the meat department, snagged himself a package of prime rib and headed for the exit. Unfortunately for Officer Nutz, the crime was captured by the store’s security cameras. He’s been placed on administrative leave pending an official investigation.

(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gene Billings who alerted us to this story from Fort Collins, Colorado. Bozo Nelson Harris threatened to reveal a security flaw in an e-commerce firm’s web site. He demanded thousands in cash, a new Volvo station wagon and two digital audio players as hush money for keeping quiet about the hole in the site. Unfortunately for our bozo, it sounds like he flunked Ransom 101. He gave the company his full name and home address for delivery of the ransom items.

Bozo criminals for today come from Roslindale, Massachusetts, where two bozos broke into a house and stole all the presents underneath the Christmas tree, about $2000 worth. The police were called and when they arrived they noticed something interesting. The homeowner’s tree was a large one, and covered in tinsel. Enough tinsel that our bozos got a lot of the sparkly stuff on them when they crawled under the tree to grab the presents. Officers followed the trail of tinsel to the apartment downstairs where they found our bozos and the stolen presents. They’re under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Belfast, Northern Ireland, where bozo Anthony Milton’s sweet tooth proved to be his undoing. Our bozo broke into a bakery where he grabbed what cash he could find and, on his way out, picked up an eclair and took a bite out of it, leaving the uneaten half behind. Unfortunately, the store’s security camera recorded the whole thing. And even more unfortunately for him, the cops were able to positively identify him by the DNA that he left behind on the eclair. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 36890: Always lock it and pocket the key. From Stanford, Kentucky comes the story of bozo Jeremiah Tucker who attempted to rob a mobile home by forcing his way through the front door. That’s where his problems began. Once inside, he was confronted by the homeowner, who began wrestling with our bozo. Seeing the error of his ways, our bozo made a hasty retreat for his vehicle, only to find that the homeowner’s girlfriend had gone to the car during the fight and had taken the keys from the ignition. Seeing that he was in more trouble than he could handle, our bozo simply got inside his car and waited for the cops to arrive. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Lewiston, Idaho, violated Bozo Rule Number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile if you’re a wanted man. Bozo Michael Morris had stolen a woman’s wallet off a convenience store counter and his security camera picture had been shown on TV and had been printed in the local newspaper. So, it would follow that if he got a new job it would be an inconspicuous one, right? Wrong. He took a job decorating a Christmas storefront window, a picture of which also ended up in the newspaper. Before the morning presses even stopped rolling, police received the first of hundreds of tips from residents who recognized our bozo. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Maplewood, Minnesota, comes the story of bozo McKenzie Stanger who was arrested by the cops on suspicion of theft of a laptop from an office. They placed her in the back of the squad car and went back into the building to complete their investigation. While they were inside, she somehow managed to get into the front of the squad car and drove away. She was later caught, still in the car, in front of a sandwich shop. But, it was her reason for stealing the squad car that landed her in the Bozo Hall of Fame. She told the officers she took it so she could help the police look for whoever burglarized the building.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hyannis, Massachusetts, where bozo Wilson Parker snatched a woman’s purse as she was coming out of a Christmas tree store. He then made his getaway but didn’t get very far before his truck ran out of gas. Leaving the truck on the side of the raod, our bozo walked to the nearest gas station. And on his way back, he hailed down a police cruiser and asked for a lift back to his truck. Bad idea. The cops had already been alerted to be on the lookout for the truck, and, after seeing the stolen purse on the front seat, our bozo was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Henrietta, New York, where bozo Craig Wilcox had big plans to defraud his insurance company. He drove his car to Jacksonville, Florida and abandoned it in an apartment complex parking lot. He then reported the car as stolen, hoping to collect about $10,000 from his insurance company. His plan might have worked except for a couple of things. When the police located the car, inside they found detailed Mapquest directions from our bozo’s front door to the apartment complex in Florida, plus paperwork detailing his booked airline flight from Florida back to New York. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sarasota, Florida, where bozo Toby Hastings robbed a bank. He only got about half a block before the hidden dye pack exploded. When this happened, he ditched the cash and headed for the hills, right? Wrong. Instead he walked into a nearby salon and said he needed a total makeover…a manicure and a new hairstyle. He didn’t quite get what he wanted. The stylist only had time to complete the manicure on one of his hands before the cops arrived.