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Bozo criminal for today comes from Salisbury, Connecticut where bozo Justin Vess was pulled over for speeding and driving erratically by the local cop. This ordinarily would not qualify him as a bozo; it was the excuse he gave the cops that secured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the officer the reason he was speeding was that the Oreo cookie he was dunking in his cup of milk had slipped from his fingers and he was trying to fish it out when he lost control of the car. He’s been charged with speeding and driving with a suspended license.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Mitchell, Kentucky, where bozo Rodney McCullough broke into a residence wearing only a pair of skimpy thong underwear. Guess he must have been pretty proud of himself, too, as he set up a video camera and recorded himself rummaging through the house. Things took a bad turn when he encountered the homeowner who put up a fight and sent our bozo running away, leaving behind a couple of problems. First, he forgot to grab his video camera, which contained the recording of him burglarizing the house. And second, he had forgotten to use a new tape. On the end of the tape in the camera were scenes from a family get together, and one of the officers recognized several members of our bozo’s family. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Peterborough, Ontario, Canada, where bozo Archie Baxter was due to appear in court. Since he was prone to oversleep, he took precautions. And it didn’t involve buying an alarm clock. Instead, he called 911 and told them he had to be in court and needed a wake up call. The 911 operator politely told him they didn’t provide that service. Undeterred, our bozo then called the local police station and asked that they please call him early in the morning so he could make his court date. The officer on duty decided to do a little investigating and, wouldn’t you know it, our bozo was also wanted on an outstanding warrant. He didn’t get his wake up call but he did get a late night visit from the cops who placed him under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Pinetops, North Carolina comes the story of bozo Devin Harper who walked into the local convenience store with the intention of robbing it. Not having a suitable disguise, he simply placed his football helmet on his head before entering. Which might have worked out OK, except for a couple of things. First, Pinetops is a small town and the odds are that the clerk would have recognized him, even wearing the helmet. But he made it even easier for him. He also wore his high school football jersey, with his name on the back. The cops caught up with him less than a block from the store.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where bozo Charles White broke into the back of a smoke shop by knocking a hole in the wall. In the process, he also set off an alarm which summoned the cops. When they arrived, they noticed the hole and also several cartons of cigarettes, which our bozo had tossed out of the opening. So, they decided to wait and simply let him come to them. And eventually he did just that, snagging his pants on a nail as he crawled out. When he emerged he was pantless, embarrassed and arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Joey Schwartzman for sending in today’s report. From Springfield, Ohio, comes the story of bozo James Ward who went on a burglary spree, robbing a number of homes in the area. Police were able to quickly link him to the crimes. He must have forgotten he was wearing a GPS monitoring bracelet because of a previous arrest. The bracelet did its job and placed him at the scene of several of the burglaries. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Wroclaw, Poland, where plans were made for a big bank robbery. Our bozos stormed in and one of them ordered the teller to open the cash drawer. Our other bozo the used pepper spray to put her out of action so they could grab the cash. Only one thing was unaccounted for. The heating duct that was directly behind the teller, which blew the spray back into our bozos faces. Oops. They fled empty handed.

Bozo criminals for today come from Port St. Lucie, Florida where two teenage boys needed money. So, they picked out a location and stormed the building’s lobby, with one of them holding his hand inside his jacket as though it were a gun. The other bozo demanded cash from the person behind the glass enclosure. The next thing they knew, they were surrounded by a half dozen police officers, with guns drawn. It seems they had mistaken the local police station for a bank. Busted!

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Tulsa, Oklahoma, where bozo Terence Morgan broke into the local Chinese restaurant, cleaning out the cash register and setting off the burglar alarm in the process. Police arrived quickly and spotted our bozo walking down the street nearby. Upon questioning him, they noticed he seemed rather nervous and when they checked his pockets they found a wad of money and several other items that sealed his fate. He had stuffed a bunch of the restaurant’s fortune cookies in his pocket as he left. His fortune: You’re going to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Paul, Minnesota, where bozo Justin Baxter was waiting at a bus stop when he got into an altercation with a 59 year old woman. When she took out her cell phone to call the cops, he hit her in the face. Other bystanders tried to step in and our bozo fled, dropping a blue envelope as he ran away. The contents of that envelope led the cops to his home and also confirmed his status as a first class bozo. Inside the envelope were his anger management class papers. He flunked that class.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oak Cliff, Texas where our unidentified bozo noticed a woman pull her overheating car to the side of the road. She raised the hood and was headed to a nearby school for help when our bozo sprang into action. He jumped into the car and drove away…with the hood still up. A police officer nearby noticed what was going on and gave chase. Not surprisingly, our bozo found it difficult to see how to drive with the hood up and ran into two cars before finally crashing into a tree. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Schererville, Indiana, where two bozos started raising a ruckus at a local restaurant, complaining that they had found a worm in their salad. The manager came over and, seeing the worm, comped their meal. A short time after our bozos left one of the servers discovered that one of our bozos had left her purse behind. As she was looking inside for an ID, she also found something very interesting. A container of worms. The manager called the cops who were still there investigating when our bozo returned to claim her purse. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk DeWitt Fields for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Aachen, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who went into a men’s clothing store and shoplifted a suit. He stuffed it under his clothes and headed for the exit only to be quickly stopped by security guards. It seems he had forgotten one minor detail. He had left the hanger on the coat and it created an unsightly bulge under his clothes, which lead to his arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Winona, Minnesota where bozo Billy Simon stole a bicycle and a small safe from a home. Police were called to investigate and noticed some rather strange tracks in the snow. Leaving the home was a set of bicycle tracks and every few hundred feet the rider would stop and leave the impression of a square object in the snow. Yep, it was the impression of the safe…it was so heavy that our bozo had to stop every so often to set it down and rest. The cops followed the tracks to our bozo’s backyard where they found him, along with the safe and bicycle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Viroqua, Wisconsin, where Bozo Billy Franklin had it all planned out. He walked into the local bank with a knit cap pulled down to obscure his face from the security cameras. He made sure the teller’s window had no alarm and no exploding dye booby trap. The holdup note had no fingerprints or other identification. The bills he requested were small and not in sequence. Sounds like the perfect robbery. Except for one small thing. He didn’t have a getaway car so he was forced to walk away from the bank. Carrying two large money bags with the bank’s name clearly printed on the side. The cops spotted him strolling down the road and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Missouri, where bozo Stephen Tarver was spotted by police officers acting suspiciously near the back of the local Wal-Mart. When he saw the cops, our bozo took off in the direction of a wooded area nearby. As it turns out, the wooded area was the Columbia Country Club Golf Course. When our bozo burst out of the woods, he ran up to a cart full of golfers and asked if he could borrow their cart. Bad idea. The golfers were off duty cops attending the officer’s benevolent fund golf tournament and they were immediately suspicious of his behavior. They detained him until the other police arrived.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Lucerne, Switzerland where an unidentified bozo held up a music store and then used a taxi as a getaway vehicle. A witness saw our bozo jump into the cab and called the cops who traced the taxi. They then radioed the driver and gave him instructions to the nearest police station. Our bozo in the back seat was so busy admiring his loot that he didn’t even notice what was going on. When the cab pulled to a stop at the station our bozo stepped out and was immediately arrested.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Buffalo, New York, where three bozos robbed a cabdriver at gunpoint, getting away with a small amount of cash. The police were able to catch two of the bozos while one got away. At a hearing a few days later, the prosecutor asked the cabdriver to please point out the men who had robbed him. The cabbie pointed to the two bozos at the defense table, then pointed out a bozo at the back of the courtroom and identified him as the third robber, the one who had held the gun on him. Yep, the bozo who had not been caught showed up in the courtroom to see what was going to happen to his friends. He’s joined them in jail.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who sent in this one from the International File in Sydney, Australia. Our bozos violated seldom seen Bozo Rule Number 97898: Don’t try to rob a bar where a biker club is holding a meeting. Our bozos burst into the bar, brandishing machetes and wearing ski masks, demanding cash, apparently unaware that some 50 bikers were holding a meeting in a room next door. The bikers struck back at our bozos with tables, chairs and pretty much anything that wasn’t bolted down. And to add insult to injury, the bikers hogtied our bozo to hold them until the cops got there.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Daytona Beach, Florida, where bozo Justin McGuffey wanted to hold up a convenience store, but didn’t have a weapon. He didn’t let that deter him, however, as he walked into the local Circle K and told the clerk to give him all the money in the register. When she looked up, she saw our bozo standing there, pointing a finger at her, pretending it was a gun. Not surprisingly, she ignored the finger and called the cops as our bozo ran out of the store. He’s under arrest.