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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lakeland, Florida. It seems our bozo was cruising around in his 1997 Toyota sedan when he came upon a downed utility pole on I-4. So, did he call the highway department to report it? Nope. Maybe move it out of the way? Well, sort of. Load it onto the roof of his Toyota and head to the nearest recycling center? Yep. He was turned away because he didn’t have the proper documentation for the pole. Someone called the cops and he was stopped nearby, with the pole still strapped onto the car. He’s been charged with grand theft and dealing in stolen property.

Our bozo for today from Detroit, Michigan, went cruising in his Chrysler 300. Not sure if this particular model has a Hemi but he was clocked by the cops weaving in and out of traffic at a speed in excess of 100 MPH. Strike one. When he could not produce a driver’s license he was charged with driving without a license. Strike two. And, what’s that on the floorboard? A Glock 43X? And can you produce a Concealed Pistol License? You can’t? Strike three and busted! Charged with carrying a concealed weapon. He’s cooling his heels in the Detroit Detention Center.

Bozo criminal for today from Happy Valley, Oregon, violated Bozo Rule Number 22-223321: It’s best to keep your getaway vehicle as inconspicuous as possible. Cops received a call of an armed robbery at the local Ace Hardware store. The suspect had pulled a gun on a store employee and then had fled in a Mazda. Oh, and one more thing, that Mazda had a sofa strapped to the roof. And did we mention it was also raining at the time? Since there aren’t many couch carrying Mazdas on the road during a thunderstorm, the cops caught up with our bozo rather quickly. After a brief chase, he was apprehended and placed under arrest. And that couch? It escaped without a scratch.

Our Bozos for today from the International File in Canberra, Australia, gives us another example of Bozos foiled by modern technology. Our bozos had their eyes on a Tesla Model 3 and they decided to take it for a drive. The owner immediately received a message on her phone that her car’s alarm was going off. The owner then began tracking the car while calling the cops. She then decided to annoy our bozos by using the app to place a speed limit on the car and also rolling down the windows and honking the horn. Deciding that this wasn’t as much fun as they expected, our bozos ditched the car, but in their haste they left behind one very important item. The thief’s drivers license. Oops. The cops where quickly able to track them down and make an arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Topeka, Kansas. At around 3:30 AM, cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a convenience store. Upon arrival, they found a naked teen, covered from head to toe in a creamy white substance. He had damaged some items inside the store before heading outside and jumping into a running vehicle, which he promptly crashed into a pillar. Further investigation determined he was covered in ranch dressing and under the influence of an unknown substance. He was taken into custody before being rinsed off and released to his parents.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Kannur, India. A flight had just landed from Dubai and customs officials noticed an man walking awkwardly and apparently in a bit of discomfort. They did a quick search and found nothing in his pockets on on his person. So, the next check was to see if there was something IN his person. And that’s when they struck gold, literally. They found that he had two pounds of gold bars into his rectum. Yikes. He’s busted and charged with smuggling.

Bozo criminals for today from Covina, California, came up with a simple plan to make some quick cash. They would go door to door claiming to be members of the local high school football team and asking for donations. Good idea until…they rang the doorbell of the high school football coach. He asked them to name the football coach and of course they couldn’t. Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from the Internal Affairs Department in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. According to court documents, two former detention officers have been charged with with cruelty to a prisoner. So what exactly did they do? Physically abuse him? Nope. Withhold food or water? Nah. Make him listen to the children’s song “Baby Shark” over and over and over? Yep. Now that is cruel and unusual punishment. The investigation continues.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Montville, Connecticut. It seems our bozo was charged with robbery and assault at a local Chinese restaurant. And the cops had damning evidence, too, a DNA match made on blood taken from the parking lot where he got into a scuffle with a man while trying to rob him. With things looking bad, our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. While he didn’t deny the blood was his, he said that a phlebotomist who took his blood several years ago dropped his DNA on the scene by airplane. Yep, a plane swooped in and planted the blood sample. Don’t think so. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Pierce, Florida, where the cops were called to an adult store on a report of a disturbance. Upon arrival, employees told the cops there was a naked woman in the back, who they believed had shoplifted an item. Officers found the woman in the storeroom, pleasuring herself with a sex toy. Yikes! The woman followed the officer’s instructions to, um, drop Mr. Happy and put your hands up. She faces misdemeanor charges of theft and indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Manchester, England. Britain, like most places, has a law requiring masks be worn in public places. Our bozo was seen walking onto a bus with a rather unusual face covering. His “mask” was made of snakeskin. After he was seated on the bus one of the passengers snapped a picture of the “mask” as it started to move. Further inspection found that the face covering was actually a real live snake that the man had wrapped around his nose and mouth. Authorities said while the snake was “not a proper face mask” the man was issued a warning and allowed to go on his way.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where the cops were having problems with a man abusing the 911 service. They say Bozo Han Nguyen had called 911 241 times on September 1 and 32 times on September 2. And just what prompted all those calls? Officers say he asked the 911 operator if he wanted to buy some egg rolls. Guess the answer was no. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Trenton, Ohio, where a sergeant with the sheriff’s office was on his way to work when he noticed something strange. A car seemed to be following him. Turn left, the car turned, turn right, the car turned. Turn into the police parking lot, the car followed. And that’s when the officer identified our bozo as Christina Cook who was driving a stolen driver’s education car belonging to B-Safe Driver’s School. When he asked her why she was following him, she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told him she “just wanted to see where he was going.” She found out and was given a personal tour of the jail. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Charlotte County, Florida, where the sheriff’s department had started a new campaign to curtail drunk driving. Part of the plan included placing a digital sign on the side of the highway that read, “Drive Sober or Get Pulled Over.” The sign hadn’t been up for long before bozo James Chadwick crashed into it. The cops found him sitting in his damaged Mazda, apparently unaware that he had even crashed into the sign. After blowing a .166 on the breathalyzer, twice the legal limit, he was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today come from Bexar County, Texas where sheriff’s deputies were called to a report of an attempted robbery. Our bozo ditched his getaway vehicle and attempted to carjack another one, but the driver put up a fight and our bozo had to move to Plan B. He ran into the Evergreen Lube Shop and stole a car that was in the middle of an oil change. The tech had just begun to drain the oil when he saw the car pulling away from the oil pit. Needless to say it’s not hard to track a car leaving a trail of oil. And a car without any oil isn’t going far. He’s under arrest, charged with attempt to commit aggravated assault, attempt to commit aggravated robbery, attempting to take a weapon from an officer and evading arrest in a vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Portage la Prairie, Manitoba, Canada. Cops responded to a report of an intoxicated man causing a disturbance. A marked cruiser pulled up, followed by an unmarked vehicle. Our bozo spotted the cruiser and began to flee before noticing the unmarked car. Then, he did what any bozo would do. He jumped into the vehicle, mistaking it for a cab, and said, “Take me to 17th Street, bro!” He did get a ride, straight to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Universal City, Texas. Bozo Anthony Garcia was released after being arrested on minor charges. Instead of being glad he wasn’t spending the night in jail, he told one of the officers, “This isn’t over.” He wasn’t kidding. He apparently returned to city hall, hid in the restroom and after the place shut down for the weekend, he crawled through the ceiling and made his way into the courtroom. The next step, break into the system’s computer, which wasn’t hard since the password was written on a piece of paper underneath the keyboard. We’re not exactly sure if he accomplished anything once he got into the system but we do know security cameras caught him walking out of the building on Sunday morning. Oops. Armed with a good photo, the cops headed to his house where he attempted to run from them before being arrested. He was right about things not being over. He’s gone from “minor charges” to felony counts of burglary of a building with intent to commit theft, and computer break of a security system.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sri Lanka. Authorities at the high security Weilkada Prison had reason to believe they had a smuggler on their hands. Baggies of heroin and cell phone sim cards and been surreptitiously brought into the facility. After an investigation, the smuggler was captured and taken into custody. It was hoped that he could perhaps lead them to whomever was sending the contraband into the prison, so he was placed in a holding cell. When an officer brought our criminal his lunch, he made a daring escape, running past the guard and jumping over a fence in the prison yard. He was one fleet footed feline. Yep, our smuggler was a cat that the real crooks had used by attaching contraband to his collar. As of this writing, he is still at large.

Thanks to numerous Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to today’s story from Long Island, New York. It seems bozo Robert Baxter was scheduled to face charges on theft of a Lexus and grand larceny of a truck. Things didn’t look good for him so he hatched a bozo scheme to get himself off the hook. He fled the state, had someone tell his lawyer he had died and had his fiance present a death certificate. Sounds like a solid plan, right? Well, not exactly. Whoever produced the phony death certificate supposedly issued by the New Jersey Department of Health, Vital Statistics and Registry misspelled “Registry” as “Regsitry.” Oops. Busted! He faces four years in prison if convicted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mulberry, Florida, where our unidentified went shopping at the local Walmart. She loaded several electronic items in her shopping cart before grabbing a big 65 inch Ultra HD TV. With it balanced precariously on the cart she headed, not for the checkout, but for the exit. Yep. She tried to walk out with a 65 inch TV in plain view in her cart. Needless to say, this attracted the attention of store security. When she could not produce a receipt for the TV, her accomplice grabbed the smaller electronic items and the duo fled, leaving the TV behind. They also left behind a nice picture of her on security cams. Police expect to make an arrest soon.