As Christmas approaches, this cautionary reminder from the Bozo Files. Rochester, New Hampshire is the home of bozo Adam Graham who got a little carried away with his holiday celebrations. He lit up a Roman candle and began firing it at passing vehicles. Unfortunately for him, one of the passing vehicles was an unmarked police car. Oops. He’s been charged with reckless conduct.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Cleveland, Ohio, where bozo attorney Phillip Bates was representing himself in a civil case before a judge known for his firm hand in the courtroom. At one point in the proceedings, our bozo accused the other attorney of being a "bleeping liar." The astonished judge asked our bozo to please repeat what he had said. And, in a case of not knowing when to keep your mouth shut, our bozo repeated the profane phrase, a little louder this time. Bad idea. The judge sentenced him to six months in jail right there on the spot for contempt of court.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Muncie, Indiana, comes the story of bozo Heather Clark who was a passenger in a car that was pulled over for a traffic violation. While the officer was talking to the driver, our bozo asked him if he would mind if she smoked. The officer gave his OK and our bozo lit up. It was what she lit up that got her into trouble. Right there in front of the officer, she lit up a marijuana cigarette. Busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from New Port Richey, Florida. Bozo Lori Carter was not satisfied with the service she received at the local McDonalds, so she called 911 to complain. Police officers quickly arrived at the restaurant, but not for the reason our bozo had hoped for. After explaining to her that 911 is not a complaint line, they also informed her that she was under arrest for driving under the influence.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Stockton, California, where our bozo at least gets bonus points for finding an original hiding place. Bozo Joseph Washington broke into a residence and was prowling around when the homeowner returned. After taking a quick look around, the homeowner could see that the house had been ransacked but our bozo was nowhere to be found. The police were called and were taking a look around when an officer noticed a large 3 foot by 2 foot Rubbermaid storage container with the lid slightly ajar. When he lifted the lid, he discovered…a Bozo in a Box. Our very flexible bozo is now under arrest.
If there’s one constant among bozos, it’s just that they never know when to leave well enough alone. Such is the case with bozo Maggie Baxter from Ocala, Florida, who was arrested and charged with DUI when an officer noticed her driving erratically. While in the holding area at the police station, an officer asked her to remove her shoes, which she did. But she didn’t stop there. She also took off her top and her pants before an officer stepped in to stop her, thus saving her from having indecent exposure charges added to her rap sheet.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, where police were getting reports of a graffiti artist that was tagging buildings all over town. Upon further investigation, they noticed that the artist was so proud of her work she signed several of them. And she signed the account name she used on her MySpace page. Oops…She’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Lincoln, Nebraska, where two unidentified bozos stole a 55-inch TV from a residence. It was as they were preparing for their getaway that they made the unfortunate discovery that the TV was too big to fit in their car. Coming up with a plan that could only make sense to the Bozo Mind, they went next door and asked the neighbor if they could store the TV at her place until they could come back with a bigger car. In the meantime, the homeowner returned home and called the cops who arrested our bozos.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Forrest City, Arkansas, where bozo Richard Parks received a $650 fine and four days in jail for driving with a suspended license. Thinking the sentence was a little harsh, our bozo tried to take matters into his own hands. No, he didn’t make an appeal before the judge and jury. Instead, he took a pen and scratched through the "four day jail sentence" part of his paperwork before turning the notice listing his sentence into the clerk’s office. Didn’t work. He’s now had tampering with a public record added to his rap sheet.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Leavenworth, Kansas, comes the story of bozo Bill Wilkinson who had big plans for breaking into an ATM machine. He first stole the heavy equipment he needed to do the job, a big skid loader. He then used the machine to pry the ATM loose from the concrete slab it was attached to. Then, in an attempt to break open the ATM, he drove the skid loader to the edge of a 50-foot embankment, intending to drop it over the ledge. Perhaps he should have taken a few more skid loader driving lessons before attempting this job. The ATM, loader and bozo all went plummeting off the embankment, trapping him inside. After a quick trip to the hospital, he was placed under arrest.
(Best of Bozo) Bozo criminal for today comes from Congers, New York, where bozo Joey Rogers was arrested for bank robbery. Our bozo held up the Provident Savings and Loan Bank with a little help from his girlfriend who worked there and was the teller he robbed. The FBI took the bank employees to police headquarters for questioning and when it was time for her to leave, guess who she called to come pick her up. Our bozo, wearing the same clothes and driving the getaway car. He was immediately recognized by several other bank employees and arrested on the spot.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Raleigh, North Carolina, where bozo Fred Ellis attempted to steal a woman’s car in a grocery store parking lot. Other shoppers noticed what was happening and came to her rescue, including one gentleman who had just purchased his frozen Thanksgiving turkey. And it was a big bird, too. He used said bird to bash our bozo over the head, knocking him to the ground. After being treated for head injuries, he was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Plainfield, Illinois, where bozo burglar Brett Sawyer needs to refer to the standard crook operations manual before he tries another break-in. Our bozo broke through the back door of a residence late the other evening, awakening the homeowner. When she came face to face with him, instead of fleeing, he tried to convince her not to panic, telling her to stay right where she was and remain calm. She ignored him and ran next door to call the cops. This gave him the perfect opportunity to flee, right? Nope. Or perhaps he used the time to ransack the house before making his getaway? No way. Instead, out bozo made himself at home, settling into the La-Z-Boy in the living room. And that’s where the cops found him, sound asleep. They woke him up and took him to jail.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Kalamazoo, Michigan, where bozo Richard Helms broke into a residence and stole the owner’s purse and a couple of other items. Investigating officers found a beer can inside the house that our bozo had apparently left behind. And since it wasn’t a common brand, they decided to check a nearby convenience store to see if anyone had purchased any of the stuff lately. Sure enough, the clerk remembered the beer and was able to identify our bozo, who the cops found, along with the stolen items, at his apartment nearby. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Barre, Vermont, where bozo Robert Paine was arrested by the cops and charged with theft. While being interrogated at the sheriff’s office, our bozo spotted a picture on the wall that he took a fancy to. And when he thought no one was looking, he snatched it. Bad idea. Someone was looking and now he has another theft charge added to his rap sheet.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Bishopville, South Carolina, comes the story of bozo Johnny Larson who walked into a convenience store, pulled a knife and demanded money and cigarettes. He took his loot, jumped into the car, and attempted his getaway. We say attempted because he didn’t get very far before his car broke down. He then called a cab and asked to be taken to a nearby town. Since the cabbie didn’t know how to get there, he decided to stop and ask for directions. And he stopped at the very convenience store our bozo had robbed, just as the police were arriving to investigate. Someone inside recognized him and our bozo was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Lawrence, Massachusetts, where we have our first ever report of a Bozo Carnapping. Bozo Jesse Marcus stole a 2000 Pontiac Grand Am and then told the owner he had his car and would return it to him for $250. The owner called the cops who advised him to meet our bozo at the appointed time at a local convenience store. Sure enough, our bozo drove up in the stolen car and was promptly placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 22256: It’s usually better to eat before, rather than during your crime. From Lynchberg, Virginia, comes the story of bozo Bernard Wilson who broke into a residence and stole jewelry, tools, and several appliances. During the course of the break-in he also worked up quite an appetite, which led to his unfortunate decision to raid the refrigerator in the middle of his heist. He enjoyed some fried chicken and a bottle of orange juice before gathering up his loot and fleeing. He might have gotten away with the whole thing except for that chicken. Police were able to identify and track him down from the greasy fingerprints he left behind.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from York, Pennsylvania, where bozo Joseph Green entered the local bank early one morning and announced that this was a robbery. Since they had just opened, the teller’s cash drawers had not yet been filled and, as he went from one teller to another, all he found was empty drawers. Frustrated, he stormed out of the building and shouted back to the employees that he was going to file a complaint with bank management about the lack of cash and poor customer service. He won’t get a chance to do that. A drive-thru customer noticed something strange going on inside and called the cops who arrested our bozo a few blocks away.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnson City, Tennessee, where bozo David Ferguson approached a student at East Tennessee State University, told her he had a gun and demanded she turn over the keys to her car. When she did, he placed the dog he had been carrying on the ground, jumped into the car and drove off. Unfortunately for him, the dog he left behind was a friendly little fellow who was more than happy to let the cops pick him up and check out his collar, which contained not only the dog’s name, but also the phone number of our bozo’s father. He’s busted!