Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where bozo Thomas Higgins crashed his car. Investigating officers noticed our bozo had slurred speech, red, watery eyes and appeared to be intoxicated. After he failed a field sobriety test, our bozo was arrested and charged with DWI. This story wouldn’t merit inclusion in the Bozo Report except for one thing: Our bozo’s occupation. He’s the owner of a driving school.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Barcelona, Spain comes the story of a bozo smuggler who tried to sneak cocaine through security at the airport. Perhaps greed got the best of him, as he wasn’t content to try to sneak a small amount past the guards. Instead, he tried to get through with almost 15 pounds of the stuff concealed on his body. Well, not exactly concealed. He stuffed the dope into his pants and tried to waddle through. Didn’t make it. It was the huge backside on a small man that first attracted attention. That and the fact that he was walking very strangely. He’s busted.
Our bozo for today is the first ever recorded case of a crook being captured by his own seat belt. From Eastpointe, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Lawrence Nations who snatched a woman’s purse and fled in his car. A nearby cop saw what was going on and gave chase. Seeing the officer on his tail, our bozo attempted to bail out of the moving vehicle, but became entangled in his seat belt when he tried to jump out. The car continued on for several hundred more feet, dragging our hopelessly caught up bozo along. He was arrested after being treated for a broken leg and various scrapes.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 15679: Always check out the neighborhood before doing the crime. From Independence, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Robert Fuller who broke into a couple of homes, getting away with several items. As he was making his getaway, one of the neighbors noticed him walking across a field carrying his loot. She immediately headed outside to see if he was lost or, since he was carrying a gun, was perhaps hunting illegally. When he took off running, she gave chase and called the cops, who were able to capture him based on her description. And why was she so concerned about a possible burglar in the neighborhood? She’s a nun, and the sisters don’t approve of such activity, certainly not next door to the convent.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Tara Palmer for sending in today’s report. From Janesville, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Alonzo Rhoades who burst into a bar with his hand in his pocket, claiming he had a gun. He was immediately taken to the ground by several burly bar patrons. It seems our bozo had not done his homework. The city of Janesville was the site of a statewide police union golf tournament that week and the bar was full of off duty cops. He’s under arrest.
Today we have a rather unusual violation of Bozo Rule Number 4678: It’s a good idea to keep a low profile if you’re a wanted man. From Boutte, Louisiana comes the story of bozo Terron Issacs who was arrested by the cops and charged with possession of marijuana and cruelty to animals. It was his rather unusual way of drawing attention to himself that earned his entry into the Bozo Hall of Fame. Police officers noticed our bozo as he rode his bicycle through town with a three foot long alligator riding on his shoulders. He offered no explanation as to why he took the gator for a ride.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule number 98098: It’s best to wait until you return home to play with the stuff you stole. From Salem, Oregon, comes the story of bozo William Roberts who broke into a residence, rummaged around for awhile and grabbed several items before being confronted by the homeowner’s boyfriend. The cops were called and found our bozo in the garage of the home. It was what he was wearing that gave him away. While in the house, he had stripped off his clothes and changed into the frilly underwear that he had found in the woman’s bedroom. He was allowed to change into something more appropriate before being taken to jail.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Paw Paw, Michigan comes the story of bozo Robert Wilson who made a number of mistakes. First, he got into his car after having too much to drink. Second, he drove far enough while intoxicated that he felt the need to stop and rest. Third, he picked the wrong place to stop for said rest. In the front lawn of the police station. He told the cops he was aiming for the parking lot and overshot it. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Festus, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Robert Griffin who forced his way into a residence and immediately upon entering announced that he was going to beat up the folks inside. This in itself is somewhat unusual but it was what he did next that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He then gave his name, and even spelled it out so there would be no doubt as to who he was. While he was busy identifying himself, one of the residents punched him and shoved him through a glass door. Thinking better of things, our bozo fled. Police had no problem tracking him down. They simply checked area hospitals to see if anyone with our bozo’s name had been admitted with numerous lacerations caused by a glass door. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today forgot Bozo Rule Number 88765: The old saying, "If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again" doesn’t apply in the bozo world. From Upper Township, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo John Moore who had just been released after serving nearly six years in prison for robbing a bank. He wasted no time in returning to the scene of the crime, where he once again tried to rob the place. Yep, he tried to rob the bank a second time. Same result. He’s under arrest.
Bozo Criminal for today comes from Mobile, Alabama, where an unidentified bozo walked into a convenience store with two t-shirts wrapped around his head and pointed a gun at the clerk. He then demanded cash but the bewildered clerk just stood there, without responding to his demands. He told her to hand over the cash a second time and again she just looked at him and shook her head. After trying a third time and getting the same response, our bozo finally gave up and walked out. Before we declare the clerk a hero, you should know one thing. She speaks almost no English and didn’t understand a word our bozo was saying to her.
Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Swansea, Wales, where bozos Keith Caldwell and Paul West broke into a liquor store. They ignored the cash in the register and immediately went to work cleaning out the place, stacking over $1000 worth of liquor at the front door. As you might imagine, this was hard work, and before too long one of our bozos declared it Happy Hour. They took a break and began sampling some of the store’s stock. The sampling continued on into the night until both of our bozos passed out, right there inside the store. Oops. Police found them still sleeping soundly the next morning.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Greensburg, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo David Morgan who seemed like a really nice guy, for a bank robber. He handed the teller a note that asked her to "please" hand over the cash. The note also included a smiley face and told the teller to "have a nice day." Unfortunately, our polite bozo forgot Bozo Rule Number 745309: Count your money after you get home. Police arrested our bozo after getting a report of a man matching the thief’s description walking down the street counting a large amount of money.
Bozo criminals for today come from Atlantic, Iowa, where it’s been very hot this summer. Police officers stopped by to check on our bozos after their trailer blew a tire. It was what they were hauling in that trailer that attracted the cops’ attention. In the trailer was a 1500 hundred-gallon tank filled with water stolen from a city fire hydrant. But it was their excuse for stealing the water that ensured their place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. They told the cops they’d taken the water with the intention of making a water slide. They’ve been charged with theft and public intoxication.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 75648: When you’re robbing a place, "Take off your mask" comes after "Make your getaway." From Moline, Illinois, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who held up a convenience store. After flashing a gun at the clerk and grabbing some cash, our bozo then headed for the door, removing her mask as she walked. Her timing was a little off, however, as she took off the mask just as she walked past the store’s surveillance camera. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Baton Rouge, Louisiana, where bozo Mitchell Wilson showed up at the state trooper station early Sunday morning. The officers inside were just a little surprised when he walked up to the front desk and asked if they had any rooms available. Yep, he thought he had walked into a hotel. They booked him a room, just not the type he was looking for. He’s been charged with DUI.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Casper, Wyoming, where bozo Robert Thompson stole a car that was left sitting in front of a liquor store, with the keys in the ignition. Even though this sounds like an easy enough heist, apparently just being a bozo is hard, tiring work. Evidence of this fact is that the police found him sound asleep in the stolen car less than six miles from the crime. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Duchesne, Utah, where bozo Frank Rodriguez showed up at the courthouse with his girlfriend, hoping to get married. One slight flaw in his plan, however. Our bozo was described by Utah authorities as the county’s Public Enemy Number One, with several charges against him, including being a fugitive on aggravated robbery charges. The wedding never came off. He was recognized and placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Bennington, Vermont, where our bozo almost made it too easy for the police officer. When the officer pulled up beside our bozo at an intersection, he noticed something strange…there was a drinking glass sitting on the car’s trunk. "Now where did I leave my beer?" The officer pulled him over and immediately smelled alcohol. He’s been charged with DUI.
At least our bozo for today’s heart was in the right place. From Rahway, New Jersey, comes the story of bozo Craig Fleming who burglarized a house, getting away with three laptops and an Xbox game console. He soon thought better of his crime and returned to the victim’s house to apologize. The homeowner wasn’t in a forgiving mood and turned him over to the cops.