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We have no criminals in today’s report, but there are at least a couple of bozos. In Montrose, Michigan, a school lunch lady noticed a couple of men putting on ski masks prior to entering the school. Fearing the worst, she reported what she saw to authorities and the school was sent into lockdown, with 180 students evacuated into the gym. Upon further investigation, it was discovered the masked marauders were actually the city police chief and one of his deputies who were at the school to take part in a mock robbery for the school’s forensic science class. The chief says from now on, he’ll change into his thief outfit after he’s inside the school.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Richmond, Indiana, where bozo Michael Lawson wanted to get a permit to carry a handgun. So he went down to the police station to fill out the application. While he was working on the paperwork, one of the officers noticed a familiar odor wafting from our bozo. The scent of marijuana. The officer patted him down and discovered the weed. He also discovered he had brought along something else…a concealed handgun. Oops. He’s been charged with drug possession and carrying a handgun without a license. The officer was kind enough to refund the $50 application fee for the handgun before placing him under arrest.

Another example today that Bozos and Modern Technology just don’t mix. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Martinsburg, West Virginia, comes the story of bozo Jonathan Perry who broke into a residence and stole two diamond rings valued at over $3500. He would have made a clean getaway except for one thing. Before he left, he decided to sit down at the homeowner’s computer and check his Facebook page. And he left his Facebook account open when he left. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 64838: Even when you think you don’t have anything to hide, you should hide something. From Ocala, Florida, comes the story of bozo Dante Kindle who decided to go for a little ride on his motorcycle. One problem, he decided to take the ride totally naked. A police officer spotted him and pulled him over. He was charged with DUI and indecent exposure. He told the officer the last thing he remembered was going to a Hooters restaurant.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elizabethton, Tennessee, where a deputy sheriff went to a residence in response to a domestic disturbance charge. Somehow, the address got messed up and the deputy knocked on the wrong door. Bozo Charles Maines answered the door and, upon seeing the deputy, immediately put his hands behind his back and told the officer to handcuff him, that he was ready to go to jail. It seems the officer had accidentally found our bozo, who was wanted for probation violations. He’s under arrest. No word on whether the neighbors who were causing a disturbance were ever found.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Knoxville, Tennessee, comes the story of bozo John Chambers who broke into a residence and took pictures of the home’s furnace. He then posted those pictures on Craig’s list and offered the furnace for sale. Unfortunately for him, the homeowner happened to see the pictures on the website and recognized his furnace. He called the cops who set up a purchase with our bozo. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the K-9 Division. From the International File in Darwin, Australia, comes the story of an unidentified dog who had been tied to a fence while his elderly owner went inside to purchase some items from the local market. Two city traffic wardens came by and noticed the dog in front of the store. One of the officers whipped out his ticket book and wrote the dog a citation for being "illegally parked." The officer taped the ticket to the dog’s leash and went on his way. The dog is planning to appeal.

General Motors is offering a money-back guarantee on some of its cars. Our bozo for today from West Olive, Michigan, found out the hard way that guarantee doesn’t apply to stolen vehicles. Bozo Paul Haley stole an SUV from a residence, drove it around for awhile and then decided it wasn’t what he was looking for and tried to return it. Unfortunately, police officers were still on the scene investigating when he tried to bring it back. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file in Columbus, Ohio. Bozo Stephfon Barker and two friends robbed a couple in front of their home late Sunday night, getting away with a small amount of cash. Guess Bozo Stephfon was looking for more than money, as he returned to the home two hours later to ask the victim out on a date. Bad idea. She immediately recognized him as one of the robbers and stalled for time while a relative called 911. He was arrested in front of the home.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where two bozos decided to steal some limestone landscaping rocks. Their first mistake was loading the rocks into a Ford Explorer that was not equipped to handle such a heavy load. Their second mistake was in parking the Explorer on a riverbank while they loaded the rock. You can guess what happened next. The load shifted in the truck and it slid backwards into the river, where it promptly sank. Oops. An address found inside the truck led the cops to our bozo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Johnstown, Pennsylvania, where police arrived at the home of bozo Jon Berry with a warrant for his arrest on theft charges. And they couldn’t have stopped by at a more inopportune time. As they drove up, they saw our bozo standing in the yard with a shovel in one hand and a freshly dug up marijuana plant in the other. Guess it was harvest season. He’s had drug possession charges added to his list of woes.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lancaster, Pennsylvania, where bozo Anthony Moore robbed a bank, but not for the usual reasons. After threatening the teller with a BB gun, he then asked for money to call the cops to come and arrest him. When the police arrived, he gave them the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He said he held up the bank because he wanted to be put into jail to get away from his overbearing wife. The cops gave him his wish.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Canine Division. In Hope Mills, North Carolina, police officers were called to a residential neighborhood to investigate complaints about a dog that was causing problems. While the officers were talking to one of the residents, the dog in question literally attacked the patrol car. The pit bull bit each of the car’s tires, deflating them all. The dog’s owner will be billed $500 for a new set of tires, and has been ordered to keep Fido on a leash.

While all of us at the Bozo Criminal Report respect the right to breathe clean, fresh air, our bozo for today took things a little too far. From Niceville, Florida, comes the story of bozo Margaret Waldon who became incensed when one of her neighbors lit up a cigarette in front of her apartment. She came outside wielding a can of Glade Potpourri Air Freshener which she began spraying in the direction of the smoker. When she continued spraying for more than a minute, and refused to stop, the other woman called the cops. It appears air freshener does qualify as a weapon. Our bozo has been arrested and charged with battery.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Paarp, Sweden, where our bozo should perhaps consider a career as a critic. He broke into an office, surfed a little porn on the office computers and then left, apparently without taking anything. He did, however, leave a message behind, criticizing the general tidiness of the place. His note said, "You need to clean up. Regards, Thief." Police are looking for our neatnik bozo.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 030987: When wearing a monkey suit, be prepared to explain yourself. From The International File in Perth, Australia, comes the story of bozo Brenton Graham who dressed himself in a monkey costume and headed down to the local mall, where he posed for photos and danced for the crowd. When a police officer approached and asked his name, he simply shook his head and made monkey noises. When asked his name a second time, he simply replied, "Monkey." Obviously, the police officer failed to see the humor in our bozo’s stunt, as he placed Cheetah under arrest and charged him with failure to comply with a police request.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Carmel, Tennessee, where bozo Scott Greer was clocked by a police camera going 66 MPH in a 55 MPH zone. He was automatically mailed a $75 dollar speeding ticket. It was what he did after receiving the ticket that earned him a spot in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He returned the ticket with a note saying he wasn’t subject to local speeding laws since he was the Deputy Chief of the CIA. He’s not. He’s been arrested and charged with criminal impersonation of a federal official.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from DeQueen, Arkansas, where bozo Richard Fowler was pulled over by the cops for driving a car with no license plates. They loaded him into a squad car and took him to jail…and that’s when his problems really began. When the officer returned to the car after dropping off our bozo, he noticed a baggie in the back seat. A baggie filled with a leafy substance. Yep, our bozo had dropped his pot in the back seat of the police car when he got out. Drug possession charges have been added to his list of problems.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from DeQueen, Arkansas, where bozo Richard Fowler was pulled over by the cops for driving a car with no license plates. They loaded him into a squad car and took him to jail…and that’s when his problems really began. When the officer returned to the car after dropping off our bozo, he noticed a baggie in the back seat. A baggie filled with a leafy substance. Yep, our bozo had dropped his pot in the back seat of the police car when he got out. Drug possession charges have been added to his list of problems.

Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 775558: Just because Johnny Cash sings about it don’t make it a good idea. From the International File in Chongqing, China, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who worked in a motorcycle factory. He always admired the beautiful bikes they built but could never seem to be able to afford one for himself. So, perhaps inspired by the old Johnny Cash song, he started stealing parts from the factory, taking one part home every day for over five years and building one for himself. Finally, the bike was complete, a real beauty. He just couldn’t wait to take it out for a spin. Almost immediately, he was pulled over by the cops who asked to see his license and registration. Of course, he had neither. He’s under arrest. And the motorcycle? It’s been returned to the factory.