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Well, Maybe the Windex Was Supposed To Clean Him Up

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Our bozo for today comes from the “only in Florida” file. Police in Clearwater were called to a report of a disturbance at an apartment. When they arrived, they found our 60 year old bozo involved in a heated argument with her 64 year old boyfriend. They found the victim cowering on the couch where she had apparently been throwing something at him. Upon further investigation, that “something” was found to be soiled doggie pee-pee pads. The victim also reported that she had sprayed him with Windex. She’s been charged with domestic battery and booked into the county jail. The victim was embarrassed but otherwise unharmed.

Well, That’s One Way To Get His Attention

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Salt Lake City, Utah. It seems bozo Ryan Slater had a matter he needed to discuss with the police, so he walked up to an officer who was investigating another incident. The cop told him he was busy at the moment but that he would talk to him as soon as he was finished. So, our bozo just waited his turn, right? Wrong. He found a second cop who gave him the same response. So, now, what to do? How about climb into a marked K-9 patrol vehicle, with the police dog caged in the back. Yep, and he drove the car around the block before pulling up to another officer. Now, he had their attention…but not in the way he hoped. He’s busted! Charged with theft of a police vehicle.

You Just Won a Free Trip To Jail

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Cherokee County, Georgia, where Bozo Dwayne Hall was pulled over for driving erratically on Interstate 75. Our bozo jumped out of the car and ran into the woods, dropping his backpack in the process. He got away but the cops confiscated the backpack, finding methamphetamine and a couple of other items inside. One of the items was a winning Georgia Lottery scratch off ticket. The cops decided to post a picture of the winning ticket on their Facebook page, congratulating our bozo and offering to give it back to him if he would only show up at the sheriff’s office to pick it up. Yep, he did. Yep, he’s now under arrest.

Well, It Did Seem Like That Person Was Taking A Long Time To Finish His Meal

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, where Covid-19 restrictions are still in place limiting indoor dining in restaurants. And one upstanding citizen spotted what they thought was a customer inside a restaurant and called the cops. Must have been a slow day for crime in Halifax, as two patrol cars were immediately dispatched to the restaurant. Officers jumped out of their cars and were ready to dole out punishment to the offender when they noticed…the “customer” was a mannequin seated at one of the tables. Crisis averted.

They Got Gassed!

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Our bozos for today from the International File in Chile obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 2232390: It’s a bad idea to try to carjack a car when the the owner has a gas pump hose in his hand. Our bozos pulled up to the station and three of them jumped out of a van with the intention of stealing the car while the owner was filling it with gas. Bad idea. The owner was having none of it and proceeded to pull the hose out and drench our would be carjackers with gasoline. And for good measure, he sprayed the interior of their car also. Our dripping and very flammable bozos made a hasty retreat. We can only hope no one fired up a cigarette…

Uh, Maybe Leave the Racing To the Professionals, Officer

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Our bozos for today come from the Internal Affairs Division in Washington, D.C. A couple of officers, instead of keeping the peace, decided to drag race each other in their scout cars. At 5 pm on Anacostia Avenue. Bad idea. The department is not releasing many details but social media photos show at least one residential fence was taken out during the “race.”

Since Sears Closed, It’s Hard To Find a DieHard

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Bozo criminals for today come from Clackamas County, Oregon, where our bozos were going to tag-team it. One would go into Kohl’s and shoplift a bunch of stuff while the other would be waiting in the getaway car just outside. Great plan. Except…the car died and the weak battery quickly went dead. When the cops arrived, they found our bozos, hood of the car up, trying to get a jump from bystanders. And inside the car they found phones, laptops, clothing from other stores, stolen credit cards and a credit card reader, drugs, and counterfeit cash. And did we mention the getaway car was also stolen? Busted! Charged with of theft, possession of a forged instrument, and a warrant for heroin possession.

Wet and Not So Wild

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida, where bozo David Monroe had a big night out. Apparently he had a little too much to drink, stumbled and fell into a pool of water. Now, here you have a drunk, dripping bozo. What to do? In this case, he decided to head into a parking garage where he found a fire extinguisher. Nope, he wasn’t on fire, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he thought the extinguisher might dry him off. So, he unleashed the device on himself. The result was what you might imagine. The cops found him, covered in powder. Busted! Interfering with firefighter equipment is a third degree felony. He’s drying off in jail.

But the Wife Demanded I Do It!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where the cops responded to a 1:10 AM call of a naked man. Sure enough, upon arrival, they found Bozo Michael Bennett strolling naked down the street with a clear plastic bag covering his genitals and smoking a blunt. After initially trying to run from the cops, he then decided to offer up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told officers that he had cheated on his wife and and his penance was to do a “walk of shame” to try to get out of the doghouse. Don’t know if that worked, but it did put him in the jailhouse. He’s been charged with indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, marijuana possession, and resisting police.

If Only He’d Worn Long Sleeves…

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Our bozo for today comes from the International File in the Dominican Republic. Bozo Marc Biart had been on the run for seven years, wanted for allegedly trafficking cocaine while a member of Italy’s notorious Ndrangheta crime syndicate. Our bozo had been keeping a low profile except for his one passion. Italian cooking. He fancied himself a chef and had started a You Tube cooking channel showing off his skills. He carefully kept his face concealed during the videos, but he didn’t bother to cover his arms. And that’s what got him arrested. Apparently he had some very distinctive tattoos which police in Italy recognized. They tracked him down to the Caribbean nation where he was arrested and extradited to Italy, where he faces numerous charges.

Ready, Aim, Oops…

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where bozo John Lane targeted a smoke shop for a smash and grab robbery. He had a rather unique plan for smashing in, also. He was going to crash through by backing his car through the storefront. So, he positioned the Jeep, threw in into reverse and…Crash! He broke through the windows and backing into…the shoe repair shop next door. Right, he hit the wrong business. And to add insult to injury, he also set off an alarm which brought the police before he was even able to get out of his car. Busted! Charged with second-degree burglary and 2 counts of malicious injury to property.

Up In Smoke

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York. Our bozo was enjoying a reefer while taking a little drive around town. He was pulled over for speeding and the cop could smell marijuana inside the car. Strike one. He then asked to see our bozo’s drivers license and he handed over a learner’s permit, only valid if someone else was riding with him. He was alone. Strike two. When asked to step out of the car, it was obvious he was trying to hide something in his pocket. When asked what it was, he replied that it was a 9mm pistol. And of course he didn’t have a permit for it. Strike three. He’s been charged with criminal possession of a weapon in the second degree, unlawful possession of marijuana and seven additional traffic violations.

Burn Out In the Walmart Parking Lot Like Everyone Else

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Adelaide, Australia, where our bozo decided to have a little fun with his hot Holden Commodore. He was having a great time, cutting donuts and leaving excessive amounts of smoke inside a parking garage. Harmless fun, right? Well….not if the parking garage is directly above the local police station. Cops were waiting for him when he exited the building. Busted! Charged with drunken driving and misuse of a motor vehicle.

Well, That Big Screen TV On Sale At Walmart Wouldn’t Fit In Her Car

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Bozo criminal for today comes from San Diego, California where our unidentified bozo decided to steal a forklift and take it for a little spin down Sports Arena Boulevard. Someone called the cops and not one, not two, not three, not four, but five cruisers were dispatched to corral the rogue piece of construction equipment. A super slow chase ensues, with our bozo running a red light before turning into a parking lot. Now we have a big standoff between five cars of police officers and one woman on a forklift. The standoff could still be going on if a bystander who had seen enough hadn’t taken matters into his own hands. He simply walked up to the forklift and removed the keys. Standoff over. Our bozo surrendered without a fight and was placed under arrest.

Flying High!

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Ventura County, California, where the cops received a report of a drone buzzing around the neighborhood. Cops spotted the colorful red, green and silver drone and noticed something strange about it. There was a baggie containing a powdery substance attached to it. Oops. Our bozo was taken into custody, charged with suspicion of two counts of possessing a controlled substance for sale and one count of controlled substance possession.

If Only He’d Brought Some WD-40…

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in this one from the International File in Morelia, Mexico. Our would-be bozo burglar was prowling around when, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he stuck his head between the building’s protective burglar bars. His head went in, but wouldn’t come out and he found himself stuck like a rat in a trap. Residents nearby noticed his plight and reported the situation to the cops at 4:40 pm. He remained stuck until 7 pm when the police finally arrived. After cutting him free with a pair of bolt cutters, he was led away in handcuffs.

He Can Sleep It Off In Jail.

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee, where the cops responded to a report of a car sitting in the middle of the intersection with the driver inside. Perhaps the man had suffered a medical emergency? Nope. Maybe the car had simply died? Nah. How about he was passed out, dead drunk? Yep. When the cops woke up sleeping beauty and asked him if he knew where he was, he replied, “In my bed.” Not exactly. Busted! Charged with DUI and driving with a suspended license.

Um…There’s an App on Your Phone That Can Help With That

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Joliet, Illinois, where bozo Jefferson Lane spotted a car that was left running and unoccupied at a convenience store. He hopped in and drove away but quickly realized he wasn’t familiar with the area. When he came upon an officer working an accident, he stopped and asked the cop for directions. Guess the dimwit didn’t realize the car had already been reported as stolen. He was placed under arrest without incident.

An “Expert” Isn’t What It Used To Be

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This is the first time we’ve heard from our bozo friends in the Taliban in a while, and it’s good to see not much has changed. From the International File in Qultaq, Afghanistan comes a report that Talaban leaders had called a meeting to conduct a bomb making class. They had even brought in six “experts” to help show the guys just how to do it. Bad idea. One of the devices they were building malfunctioned and blew up the mosque, along with at least 30 would-be terrorists and the six “experts.”

Next Time Go For the Ruffles

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where bozo Sharon Brown broke into a residence by prying off a window screen and climbing in. She rummaged around but left without taking anything. But she did leave something behind…an empty bag of Cheetos on the kitchen floor. When the cops responded to a report of a suspicious person nearby, they found Cheeto residue on her teeth. Uh-oh. After being confronted with the evidence, she confessed to the break-in.