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Bozo Criminal for today comes from Eaton County, Michigan and once again let’s count the strikes, shall we?
Our unidentified bozo was pulled over for doing 97 in a 55 MPH zone. This alone would be enough to merit a busting, but we’re just getting warmed up. He also failed a breathalyzer test and had an open container in the car. Officially strike number one. A search of the car turned up a dozen packets of cocaine. Strike two. Officers also found an unlicensed long gun, a felony. Strike three. And let’s throw in driving with a revoked license just for the fun of it. Busted! And headed to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mike Sheffield for sending in today’s report from Waterboro, Maine, where the cops responded to a call of a stolen vehicle early Sunday morning. Upon arrival, they spotted our bozo walking around the area. He had no connection to the theft but it was discovered that there was an outstanding warrant on him for robbery of a Walmart. Busted…but he said he had enough money on him to pay the $200 bail. Reaching into his pocket he pulled out two $100s and handed them over to the bail commissioner. End of story, right? Wrong. Those $100s where very obvious counterfeits. Oops. Add forgery and passing counterfeit money to those other charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mathias Joost for sending in today’s report from Miami Gardens, Florida, where our unidentified bozo pulled up to the Starbucks Drive-Thru and requested a bagel with cream cheese. He pulled away from the window before noticing the cream cheese was missing. Uh-oh. He did a quick u-turn and headed back to the service window. He screamed to the employee that he wanted his cream cheese and even went so far as to gesture at her with a hand gun, just to get his point across. Bad idea in any case, but his problems were compounded by the fact that the Starbucks employee just happened to be the chief of police’s daughter. He was given the cream cheese but before he was able to enjoy it he was pulled over and faces several charges including aggravated assault with a firearm.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Gillette, Wyoming, where it would seem Bozo Rule Number 8744348 was violated. This rule clearly states: Don’t ask unnecessary questions. Apparently our bozo was a bit confused so he called the cops to try to clear things up. He asked the Sheriff’s Office why he hadn’t been arrested since they raided his house the previous day. Well, hold on while we check. Sheriff’s Office records showed no raid on his home, yesterday or any other day. So the obvious question, why should you have been arrested? Our bozo’s answer, “For using meth.” Well, OK then. The cops decided to keep an eye on him and when he went out for a drive they pulled him over for driving erratically. Busted! He failed a field sobriety test and was placed under arrest for DUI.

First, a quick thanks to everyone who has asked…the bozo report has been slowed down due to my recent surgery. Hope to get back to full speed soon! Our bozo for today comes from Rochester Hills, Michigan, where the cops pulled over a vehicle around 2:15 AM after they noticed it had no license plate. For those of you playing along at home, that’s strike one. A quick check of the driver’s license found it to be suspended. Strike two. The passenger then spoke up to claim that she was actually the owner of the vehicle. Um…did anyone ask? However she was unable to produce any proof of ownership. Let’s call that strike two and a half. Then, a deputy noticed seven catalytic converters and a Sawzall in the car. Unless you’re running a mobile muffler shop, looks like you’ve been stealing those. Strike three! Busted! I case you weren’t aware, catalytic converters are a popular item for theft due to the valuable precious metals they contain.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Aylesbury, England. The cops were in pursuit of our bozo when he suddenly ditched his car and fled on foot. Seeking a place to hide, he ran into the first building he encountered. Good plan, right? Wrong. The first building he saw was the Aylesbury police station. Well, that makes things simple. He’s busted! Charged with possession of drugs.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Richmond, North Yorkshire, England. It seems army lance corporal and bozo Marie Graham had been out for a night of heavy drinking. And what’s better after getting your drink on than a nice order of McDonalds fries and maybe some chicken nuggets? At least that’s what our bozo thought, so she headed for the drive thru at Mickey D’s. It was late and the drive thru was closed and cordoned off. Our bozo pulled in anyway and employees called the cops. When officers arrived, it would seem she was a bit confused as she gave the cop her order when he approached her window. Bad idea. Busted! She faces drunken driving charges and a military disciplinary hearing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pawhuska, Oklahoma, where the police were investigating an incident at the local high school. It seemed that at least one of the students had complained about Bozo Lindy Spain’s actions while substituting teaching a choir class. In an attempt to be “the cool teacher” she decided to perform a cartwheel in front of the class. No problem, right? Well…it seems she was wearing a dress with no underwear, which led a 17 year-old female to complain that she had exposed her “buttocks and bare vagina.” As far as we have been able to determine, no boys complained. She’s busted and charged with indecent exposure.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Liverpool, England. It would seem drug dealer Carl Simpson is a big fan of cheese, stilton in particular. And he found a variety of mature blue stilton that was so unbelievably tasty that he just had to share his find with some friends. So, he took a picture of the cheese and posted it up on EnchroChat, a supposedly encrypted phone system. What he didn’t know was that the cops had compromised the system and had identified 10,000 of its users in the UK, most of them involved in criminal activity. OK, fine, but how did he get busted? Remember that picture of the tasty stilton? He was holding it in his hand and, as fate would have it, his fingerprints were clearly visible. Uh-oh. The cops ID’ed him from that picture and he’s now behind bars, sentenced to 13 years for selling heroin and cocaine.

Our bozo for today comes from the “only in Florida” file. Police in Clearwater were called to a report of a disturbance at an apartment. When they arrived, they found our 60 year old bozo involved in a heated argument with her 64 year old boyfriend. They found the victim cowering on the couch where she had apparently been throwing something at him. Upon further investigation, that “something” was found to be soiled doggie pee-pee pads. The victim also reported that she had sprayed him with Windex. She’s been charged with domestic battery and booked into the county jail. The victim was embarrassed but otherwise unharmed.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Salt Lake City, Utah. It seems bozo Ryan Slater had a matter he needed to discuss with the police, so he walked up to an officer who was investigating another incident. The cop told him he was busy at the moment but that he would talk to him as soon as he was finished. So, our bozo just waited his turn, right? Wrong. He found a second cop who gave him the same response. So, now, what to do? How about climb into a marked K-9 patrol vehicle, with the police dog caged in the back. Yep, and he drove the car around the block before pulling up to another officer. Now, he had their attention…but not in the way he hoped. He’s busted! Charged with theft of a police vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Cherokee County, Georgia, where Bozo Dwayne Hall was pulled over for driving erratically on Interstate 75. Our bozo jumped out of the car and ran into the woods, dropping his backpack in the process. He got away but the cops confiscated the backpack, finding methamphetamine and a couple of other items inside. One of the items was a winning Georgia Lottery scratch off ticket. The cops decided to post a picture of the winning ticket on their Facebook page, congratulating our bozo and offering to give it back to him if he would only show up at the sheriff’s office to pick it up. Yep, he did. Yep, he’s now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, where Covid-19 restrictions are still in place limiting indoor dining in restaurants. And one upstanding citizen spotted what they thought was a customer inside a restaurant and called the cops. Must have been a slow day for crime in Halifax, as two patrol cars were immediately dispatched to the restaurant. Officers jumped out of their cars and were ready to dole out punishment to the offender when they noticed…the “customer” was a mannequin seated at one of the tables. Crisis averted.

Our bozos for today from the International File in Chile obviously forgot Bozo Rule Number 2232390: It’s a bad idea to try to carjack a car when the the owner has a gas pump hose in his hand. Our bozos pulled up to the station and three of them jumped out of a van with the intention of stealing the car while the owner was filling it with gas. Bad idea. The owner was having none of it and proceeded to pull the hose out and drench our would be carjackers with gasoline. And for good measure, he sprayed the interior of their car also. Our dripping and very flammable bozos made a hasty retreat. We can only hope no one fired up a cigarette…

Our bozos for today come from the Internal Affairs Division in Washington, D.C. A couple of officers, instead of keeping the peace, decided to drag race each other in their scout cars. At 5 pm on Anacostia Avenue. Bad idea. The department is not releasing many details but social media photos show at least one residential fence was taken out during the “race.”

Bozo criminals for today come from Clackamas County, Oregon, where our bozos were going to tag-team it. One would go into Kohl’s and shoplift a bunch of stuff while the other would be waiting in the getaway car just outside. Great plan. Except…the car died and the weak battery quickly went dead. When the cops arrived, they found our bozos, hood of the car up, trying to get a jump from bystanders. And inside the car they found phones, laptops, clothing from other stores, stolen credit cards and a credit card reader, drugs, and counterfeit cash. And did we mention the getaway car was also stolen? Busted! Charged with of theft, possession of a forged instrument, and a warrant for heroin possession.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Tallahassee, Florida, where bozo David Monroe had a big night out. Apparently he had a little too much to drink, stumbled and fell into a pool of water. Now, here you have a drunk, dripping bozo. What to do? In this case, he decided to head into a parking garage where he found a fire extinguisher. Nope, he wasn’t on fire, but, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he thought the extinguisher might dry him off. So, he unleashed the device on himself. The result was what you might imagine. The cops found him, covered in powder. Busted! Interfering with firefighter equipment is a third degree felony. He’s drying off in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Spartanburg, South Carolina, where the cops responded to a 1:10 AM call of a naked man. Sure enough, upon arrival, they found Bozo Michael Bennett strolling naked down the street with a clear plastic bag covering his genitals and smoking a blunt. After initially trying to run from the cops, he then decided to offer up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told officers that he had cheated on his wife and and his penance was to do a “walk of shame” to try to get out of the doghouse. Don’t know if that worked, but it did put him in the jailhouse. He’s been charged with indecent exposure, disorderly conduct, marijuana possession, and resisting police.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in the Dominican Republic. Bozo Marc Biart had been on the run for seven years, wanted for allegedly trafficking cocaine while a member of Italy’s notorious Ndrangheta crime syndicate. Our bozo had been keeping a low profile except for his one passion. Italian cooking. He fancied himself a chef and had started a You Tube cooking channel showing off his skills. He carefully kept his face concealed during the videos, but he didn’t bother to cover his arms. And that’s what got him arrested. Apparently he had some very distinctive tattoos which police in Italy recognized. They tracked him down to the Caribbean nation where he was arrested and extradited to Italy, where he faces numerous charges.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, where bozo John Lane targeted a smoke shop for a smash and grab robbery. He had a rather unique plan for smashing in, also. He was going to crash through by backing his car through the storefront. So, he positioned the Jeep, threw in into reverse and…Crash! He broke through the windows and backing into…the shoe repair shop next door. Right, he hit the wrong business. And to add insult to injury, he also set off an alarm which brought the police before he was even able to get out of his car. Busted! Charged with second-degree burglary and 2 counts of malicious injury to property.