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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk David Alford for sending in today’s report from Spring Hill, Florida, where Bozo Louis Perez may have been watching too many of those home makeover shows. Obviously thinking he needed something to spruce up his yard, our bozo pulled up in front of a doctor’s office, tied a rope to his truck, and affixed the other end of the rope to an expensive palm tree that was part of the office’s landscaping. Our bozo then proceeded to drive away, pulling the tree up by the roots. Office staffers noticed what was going on and called the cops, who simply followed the trail of sand to our bozo’s home. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from West Des Moines, Iowa, where bozo Scott Darby had been drinking and carousing at the local bar when he suddenly left with a woman on his arm and a half finished beer on the bar. Before the bartenders could pick up the glass, our bozo returned, toting a rifle and demanding cash. The staff thought he was kidding until he fired a round into the ceiling. They quickly cleaned out the registers and our bozo fled in a waiting car. The cops didn’t have any trouble tracking him down, though. It seems before his mood turned dark, he had been walking around the bar handing out business cards for his contracting business. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, where bozo Elbert Taylor was under arrest on bank robbery charges. He was moved from the jail to a hospital after feeling sick and losing consciousness. It was while he was in the hospital that our bozo hatched his daring escape plan. He would gain his freedom by simply walking unnoticed out of the place. Somehow, he was able the get past hospital security despite the fact that he was still in his hospital gown with an intravenous needle in his arm. His plan must not have covered much after getting out of the hospital, as, instead of going into hiding, he simply walked to the nearest bar, without bothering to change clothes or remove the needle. The bartender noticed his rather strange appearance and called the cops. Our bozo is back in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Gene Caldwell likes Little Debbie Oatmeal Cookies. Really likes them. Likes them so much that, when he discovered what he thought were two boxes missing from his stash, he grabbed his garden hoe and began banging on his neighbor’s door demanding they return them. By the time the cops arrived, the door had been "damaged beyond repair" and an investigation ensued. Police listened to our bozo’s theory that his neighbors had broken into his house under cover of darkness and had stolen two boxes of cookies. They then took a look around his house and discovered the Wal-Mart receipt from the previous day that showed our bozo had purchased five boxes of cookies, not seven as he had believed. Case solved. Bozo charged with criminal mischief.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Mount Washington, Pennsylvania, where Bozo Tremaine Johnson had just attended a concert by rapper Jay-Z. It was a cold night and as our bozo was heading home he found himself chilled to the bone. So he bundled up and walked faster, right? Nope. Jumped into his car and turned the heater on? No. Maybe stopped for a cup of coffee? Nah. Instead he broke into a house and climbed into a nice warm bed and cuddled up to the homeowner. The surprised man noticed someone in bed with him and asked if it was his girlfriend. When he heard a deep voice reply, "No, it’s not," he grabbed a baseball bat from beneath the bed and whacked our bozo with it, keeping him at bay until the police arrived. Our bozo is now sleeping in a nice warm jail cell.

Once again today we have an example of another Bozo Foiled By Modern Technology. From the International File in Mexico comes the story of bozo Maxi Sopo who was having so much fun living in paradise on a Mexican beach that he just couldn’t resist telling all his friends on Facebook about his adventures. Which would have been OK except for one thing: Our bozo was wanted by the feds on bank fraud charges. And the feds follow Facebook, too. They were able to track down our bozo through his public "friends" list and Mexican authorities placed him under arrest. It’s doubtful he’ll feel the need to brag about this on Facebook.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chattanooga, Tennessee, where a police officer who had been checking traffic speeds with radar parked his car to fill out a report. Suddenly, he felt his car shaking violently. He looked out the front window but couldn’t see what was causing the problem. It was when he stepped out that he spotted our bozo, a four-legged one. A rather large bulldog had grabbed onto the car’s front bumper and was giving it a mighty shake. The officer tried pepper spray on our bozo, but he was unaffected by it. Seeing the need to call for reinforcements, the officer contacted Animal Control while the bulldog focused his attention on the vehicle’s tires. By the time help arrived, our canine bozo had chewed two tires and the entire front bumper off the patrol car. Finally, Fido’s owners were contacted at a nearby welding shop. The owner was fined for letting his dog run loose and our bozo was released on his own recognizance.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Crime Doesn’t Pay…Much Department. From Thermal, California, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who robbed 11 people at a market at gunpoint. Her total take from those 11 people, $6. Police say, in spite of the small take, robbery is robbery and will charge her if she is caught.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our International Bozo Lonely Hearts Club file. From Berlin, Germany, comes the story of an unidentified woman who called the cops when she heard someone climbing up to her second story balcony shortly after midnight. When the police arrived they found our bozo, carrying flowers and a bottle of wine. He was the woman’s boyfriend and was hoping to surprise her for a romantic interlude. The story might have had a happy ending except for one thing. Mr. Don Juan was wanted by the cops on an outstanding warrant. Even though he offered the officers the bottle of wine, he was still placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Key West, Florida, where bozo Megan Baker was on the way to visit her boyfriend. Wanting to "freshen up" before arriving, she asked her ex-husband, who was riding in the passenger seat, to steer while she shaved her bikini area. It was at this time that she violated Bozo Rule Number 4466558: Shaving your privates while driving is not the best idea. Not surprisingly, she rammed her car into the back of another vehicle that had slowed to make a left turn. No word on whether she nicked herself in the crash. She’s under arrest.

Our story for today from Lake City, Florida, features another bozo Foiled By Modern Technology. Bozo James Nalls broke into a vehicle and was looking for something inside to steal when the owners discovered what was going on. Thinking quickly, they hit the lock button on the key fob, locking him inside the car. Every time he tried to open the door, they would hit the lock button again, preventing his exit. After a few minutes, he simply gave up and waited for the police to arrive. He’s been charged with burglary, criminal mischief and trespassing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bartow, Florida, where bozo Thomas Ramirez robbed a convenience store, getting away with $70 worth of scratch-off lottery tickets. Later, when he discovered that one of them was a $50 winner, he did what any bozo would do. He went back to the same store he had robbed and attempted to cash it. An alert clerk recognized him and took down his driver’s license number before giving him the money. She then called the cops who stopped by and arrested our bozo.

Valentine’s Day has come and gone but it seems romance is still in the air almost a month later for our bozo criminal for today. From the International File in Bielefeld, Germany comes the story of an unidentified bozo who broke into the jail for some late night lovin’ with his wife, who was incarcerated there. Apparently our bozo somehow climbed a ten foot fence without being spotted by security guards and then used a skeleton key to get into the facility. So far, so good. It was their loud "grunts and groans" that got him into trouble. The other female inmates complained to the guards that the noise was keeping them from getting a good night’s sleep. He’s now under arrest, and hopefully locked away in a different jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lincolnton, North Carolina, where bozo Richard Parks was on probation for possession of marijuana and resisting arrest and was not supposed to leave the area without informing his parole officer. Guess the chance at stardom was just too much for our bozo to resist, as he appeared on the Jerry Springer show this week to tell his story of a one-night stand with a stripper. The show ended with our bozo dodging a punch from his girlfriend as the stripper twirled around on a pole. He probably never dreamed his parole officer would be watching. He was. He’s gone from the Springer show to jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from the International File in Berlin, Germany. Our unidentified 26-year-old bozo had just finished a night of partying in a local disco and was walking through the parking lot when he decided that he needed one for the road. So, he stopped, pulled out a vial of powdered amphetamines and laid out several lines on the roof of a parked car. Only one problem, the car he picked to snort off of was an unmarked police vehicle. Oops. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today from Hyannis, Massachusetts, sounds like something that could have happened on "The Bachelor" TV show. 22-year-old Marissa Peters had just gotten married and was preparing to leave the ceremony with the groom when she spotted an old flame of her new husband in the parking lot. Guess there must have been some "old business" between the two, as she jumped in her car and tried to run down the ex. Fortunately her aim had been effected by the bottle of champagne she had at the reception. The old flame was uninjured. The bride spent her wedding night in jail.

There’s no way our bozo for today can be called a criminal, but his behavior confirms without a doubt that he is indeed a bozo. From the International File in Castle Donington, England, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who was on a Ryanair flight from Poland to England when he discovered the scratch off lottery card he was holding was a winner, worth $13,620. Our bozo understandably became very excited, but there’s no explanation for what he did next. He demanded that the airline crew cash his scratch off ticket right then, on the plane, in mid-air. When the crew informed him that there was not sufficient money on board to cash the ticket, he did what only the rarest of bozos would do. He ate the ticket. Chewed it up and swallowed it. Bad idea. Lottery officials say since there is now no evidence that he held a winning ticket, the money will be donated to charity. Next time he should try the airline’s peanuts instead.

With all the bad weather in recent weeks, you knew sooner or later we’d have a case of a Bozo Foiled by Mother Nature. From South Burlington, Vermont, comes the story of bozo Derek West who broke into a store around 4 AM Saturday morning. Seems like a good time to do it, as there aren’t many people around at that hour. Except for one thing. When you’re the only guy around it makes it really easy for the cops to follow your footprints in the snow. And that’s just what the police did, right back to his house. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from South Bend, Indiana, where bozo Richard Box stopped at the local Speedway station to fill his truck with gas. Apparently, our bozo had stopped somewhere else that evening and filled up with something else, as when it came time to pull away, he drove off with the gas hose still attached. Totally oblivious to what was going on, our bozo drove down the road with the hose flapping, striking several cars. Police pulled him over and, no big surprise, charged him with drunken driving.

It appears bozos may soon be in short supply in Tampa, Florida, if the cops have their way. 18-year-old bozo David Lang was spotted by the cops walking down the side of the road in full bozo gear. The cops followed him, wearing a bright red and orange wig and face mask, as he walked down a wooded path behind several business offices. When he realized he was being followed, he ran away, only to be captured a couple of blocks away. He’s been charged with wearing a mask or hood in public. Apparently, it’s illegal for adults to wear masks in public in Tampa. Remember, when masks are outlawed, only outlaws will have masks.