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(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Officer "Jofa" of the Boston Police Department for sending in today’s report. One day the officer was on patrol when he noticed a car double parked in front of a pizza joint. Running a quick check he discovered the car was stolen. Thinking anyone stupid enough to double park a stolen car must be a bozo, the officer thought it might be easy enough to get him to come out and claim it. So, he turned on the blue lights and walked up to the car, preparing to write out a citation. In no time, the bozo appeared, shouting, "Don’t write me a ticket, officer. I’ll move my car!" Add stolen vehicle charges to that parking ticket.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From La Crosse, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Ryan Lang who was pulled over by the cops under suspicion of DUI. While being interviewed, our bozo jumped back into his car and attempted to flee. A bad idea under any circumstances, but a terrible idea in this case. When he jumped back into his car, one officer climbed into the passenger’s seat and a second officer climbed into the car on the driver’s side, on top of our bozo. Undeterred, our bozo still attempted to drive away. Not surprisingly, he only made it about one block before the cops got the situation under control and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today is obviously a thrifty sort who doesn’t like to let anything go to waste. From Bellview, Florida, comes the story of bozo Dean Starkey who was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of DUI. When the officer asked him to take a sobriety test, our bozo calmly reached down, took a big swig from a cup and tossed it underneath the passenger seat. The officer retrieved the cup and found it to smell strongly of alcohol. Needless to say, he was charged with driving under the influence.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 199908: A cape does not a superhero make. From Kansas City, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Dwayne Miller who stole a semitrailer cab while wearing a superman cape. Cops were quickly on his trail and during the ensuing car chase the vehicle became stuck in the mud. Perhaps it was now that he thought the cape would come in handy, as he jumped out of the truck and tried to flee on foot. Cape or no, he wasn’t quick enough to outrun the cops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Conningham, Australia where bozo Nicholas Trent was a newlywed. And a very proud newlywed at that. Proud enough that he submitted a wedding announcement and picture to the local newspaper. Which would have been a find idea except for one thing. Our bozo was already married to someone else. And that someone else happened to be reading the paper and noticed the picture. She called the cops and loverboy is now under arrest for bigamy.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where bozo Charles Martin was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. It was then that he offered the Bozo Excuse of the Week. Pointing out the laceration on his head, he told the officer that he had recently bought some crack cocaine and had attempted to pay for it with Monopoly money. Not surprisingly, the dealer had not taken kindly to his offer and had whacked him over the head with a gun. Unfortunately, this excuse was not a get out of jail free card. He was arrested and the search for his dealer is underway.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Fort Walton Beach, Florida, comes the story of a 27-year-old woman who ended up getting arrested because she couldn’t spell her name. A police officer pulled her over after he noticed she had a taillight out. Looking at her license, he noticed her strange first name and asked her to spell it for him. When she misspelled it, the passenger nudged her and she took another crack at it, misspelling it again. He then handed her a sheet of paper and asked her to sign her name and this time she misspelled both her first and last names. He took a look in her purse and found an ID card with her real name. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 009877: Choose your hiding place very carefully. From Albion, Indiana, comes the story of Bozo Robert Hawn who was on the run from the cops who suspected that he was in possession of methamphetamines. After more than an hour of searching for him, the cops were just about ready to give up when they decided to look in the most unlikely of places. A liquid manure pit at a local farm. And there they found him, crocodile like, with only his nose and eyes peeking out from the muck. They retrieved him, hosed him off, treated him for hypothermia and placed him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where bozo Donnell Moore was arrested by the cops after he broke into a smoke shop by crawling through a roof vent. It was during questioning that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he had actually planned on breaking into the liquor store next door. Unfortunately he got confused once on the roof and climbed down the wrong ventilation shaft. Sorry, ignorance is no excuse. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Suffolk, Virginia, where bozo Sean Anderson held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. Perhaps he should have used the store’s sparkling clean facilities before fleeing, but he did not. And as soon as he got outside, he felt the need to answer the call of nature, so he went behind one of the stores dumpsters. In spite of the appropriate name, this was not a good idea. Police arrived quickly and arrested him before he completed his business.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida, where bozo Alan Johnson was getting frustrated by the slow moving drive-thru lane at McDonalds. So, he took out those frustrations on the driver in front of him, ramming his truck into the other driver’s rear bumper. He then simply got out of his truck and walked away, leaving the vehicle unattended in the drive-thru lane. Cops were called and they found our bozo strolling around the parking lot. When the asked him what he was doing, he replied, "Just walking." And as for who was driving his truck, he said it was his "friend." Unfortunately, he had the keys in his pocket. He’s been charged with DUI and leaving the scene of an accident.

Bozo criminal for today took the concept of "One Stop Shopping" to another level. From Kennewick, Washington, comes the story of bozo Travis Hampton who broke into a store, looked around and took inventory of what he wanted to steal. He then logged onto the store’s computers and posted some of the items for sale on the internet. While there, he also logged onto his MySpace account and looked at some porn before leaving. He left behind all the evidence the cops needed to place him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kirkland, Washington, where bozo Anthony Ferris was looking for a vehicle to carjack. He spotted one he liked, and when the owner returned from the grocery store, he ran up and demanded she turn over the keys. Unfortunately for him, she had just opened the car door when he made his request. And even more unfortunately, she had taken her 3-year-old dog Victor with her when she went to the store. One thing you should know about Victor. He’s a rescue dog. A pit bull that had been rescued from a dog-fighting ring. He likes his new owner and wasn’t about to let anything happen to her. When our bozo grabbed the door, Victor let out such a ferocious bark that our bozo threw himself backwards, tripped and fell down. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report. From Marathon, Florida, comes the story of bozo Brian Sawyer who had big plans for a project he was working on. And there was one essential ingredient he was missing…sand. Lots of sand. And where can you find an abundance of sand? The beach, of course. So, our bozo drove his pickup down to Coco Plum Beach and filled it up with sand. Unfortunately, he forgot one thing about driving on the beach. You tend to get stuck. Especially when you have a pickup truck filled with sand. Sheriff’s deputies helped to get him unstuck before charging him with grand theft of sand, criminal mischief and DUI.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Memphis, Tennessee, where bozo William Hastings broke into a residence and stole numerous items, including a generator, sunglasses and several bottles of cologne. Before leaving, our bozo also raided the fridge, taking out several bottles of hot sauce and inexplicably breaking them against a wall before fleeing. The homeowner returned just in time to spot our bozo was walking across the yard in the direction of a nearby gas station. Police were called and our bozo was quickly arrested. It seems he was rather easy to spot. He was covered in hot sauce. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today definitely wins the Bozo Excuse of the Month award and is the early leader for Bozo Excuse of the Year. From North East, Maryland, comes the story of bozo Carl Anders who was spotted by the manager of the local BP convenience store when he came in to open up. Or at least, he spotted part of him…his feet, which were dangling from the store’s ventilation system. Police arrived and freed our bozo who then offered up this excuse. The 20-year-old said he was playing hide and seek with some friends and crawled into the ductwork to hide from them and got stuck. And where were his fellow hide and seekers? He said after they couldn’t find him, they gave up and went home. Police didn’t believe him, either. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today wins our Meathead of the Month award. From Athens, Tennessee, comes the story of bozo door-to-door meat salesman Robert Sloan who was apparently knocking on doors and trying to sell his product with a city permit. When the cops approached him in his vehicle, he panicked and tossed a half-burned marijuana cigarette in his mouth and swallowed it, in full view of the officers. He’s got a lot more to worry about now than selling meat without a permit.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indianapolis, Indiana, where bozo James Simpson was released from prison after serving a four-month sentence for marijuana possession. His wife came to the jail to pick him up and the urge to celebrate his freedom immediately was apparently just too much to resist. A police officer noticed our bozos car being driven erratically just a few blocks from the prison. He pulled the vehicle over and inside he found our bozo, his wife and a friend enjoying his freedom by smoking a joint. Oops. He’s headed back to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Truth in Advertising department. From Holiday, Florida, comes the story of bozo Rebekah Koonce who was pulled over by the cops after she ran a stop sign. The officer noticed she had bloodshot eyes and was slurring her speech, so he decided to search her car. And that was when he found the evidence that sealed our bozo’s fate. Inside the car was a green plastic box with a label reading "Rebekah’s pot" on the outside. And that’s also what was on the inside. She’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Clackamas County, Oregon. Bozo David Henry was spotted by a police officer as he awkwardly tried to load a bicycle onto the MAX light rail platform at a shopping center. The officer soon discovered the reason our bozo was struggling. He had a bolt-cutter and several other tools stuffed into his pants, along with $61 worth of quarters. It seems that our bozo had raided several newspaper boxes and stolen the bicycle along the way. He’s under arrest…for the 45th time.