Bozo criminal for today comes from Lowell, Massachusetts where bozo John Gonzalez robbed a convenience store. Something spooked him during the heist and he forced one of the clerks into his car as he fled. Our bozo drove around for a while before stopping a couple of blocks from his home. He then got out, took off his mask and walked into his house. Guess he forgot about the clerk, who watched him as he walked home and then called the cops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today come from Boulder, Colorado, where two bozos decided it would be fun to vandalize cars by splashing white paint on them. Guess they had so much fun doing it that it didn’t occur to them that there was one major flaw it their plan. When you splash paint on a car, it’s inevitable that some will splash back on you and that you will leave paint footprints when you leave. And that’s just what happened. The cops followed the trail of paint to our bozos’ home where they found them with paint residue on their bodies. They’re busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from New York City where two teenage bozos broke into a garage and were rummaging around when they were spotted by the homeowner on the garage’s surveillance cameras. He then called the cops who quickly arrived and arrested our bozos. Case closed. Not quite. When the officers asked the homeowner why he had a surveillance camera in his garage, he told them it was to protect his marijuana plants. Sometimes honesty isn’t the best policy. Police found 51 pot plants inside. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Athens, Tenneseee, where bozo Jack Brunson rode his bicycle to the bank, pulled on a hood and a bandana and went inside to announce this was a hold-up. The teller gave him a small amount of cash and he climbed back onto his bicycle and started to pedal away. Perhaps the mask obscured his vision, as he pedaled his bike right into the path of an oncoming car. Fortunately, he received only minor injuries. Unfortunately, the accident led to his arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarksville, Tennessee, where an unidentified bozo stole a case of beer from a convenience store and ran away. The clerk was shocked when our bozo returned, beer in hand, a few minutes later. No, he had not suddenly felt remorse and decided to bring it back. Instead, he was returning it because it was warm and wanted to exchange it for some cold beer. He didn’t get it.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 111556: Don’t mess with Granny…or her daughter. From St Paul, Minnesota, comes the story of bozo Perry Yates who spotted an 85-year-old woman walking with her 64-year-old daughter and thought they would be an easy target for a purse snatching. He thought wrong. He grabbed Granny’s purse and took off, with the 64 year old in hot pursuit, waving her cane as she ran. Within less than a block, she caught up with him and he took a swing at her with his knife, which she blocked with her cane, breaking the knife and knocking it to the ground. She took another swing at him with the cane and he dropped the purse and fled in his vehicle, but not before a witness got his license plate number. He’s under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Kalamazoo, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Walter Yates who burglarized a residence after using a can of paint to break the window. Which might have been a good idea if it had been an empty paint can, which it wasn’t. And while the full can of paint got the job done, it also burst open in the process, spraying paint all over our bozo. Police investigating the crime first noticed the paint splattered all over the house. Then, they noticed our bozo walking around the area with the paint splattered all over his person. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 334478: When trying to break into prison, it’s best to keep as low a profile as possible. From the International File in Newport, England, comes the story of two unidentified bozos, one of them wearing a full Snoopy costume and waving a gun, who attempted to break into the local jail. When they failed to break down the door, they pelted the prison officers’ cars with chunks of concrete. Police officers quickly placed our favorite beagle and his friend under arrest. It was then they discovered Snoopy’s gun was actually a water pistol. When they questioned him about why he was trying to break into the jail, he said he wanted to free some friends who were behind bars. Unfortunately, he had gone to the wrong jail. His friends were housed in another facility a few miles away.
Bozo criminal for today comes from our "Be Careful What You Ask For" file. Bozo Charles Gale had been dealing cocaine from his residence when one of his neighbors called the cops to report suspicious activity. When police arrived, they noticed he had a doormat outside the front door that said, "Come Back With A Warrant." They won’t have to. He was arrested after selling the cops $500 worth of cocaine.
(Best of Bozo) Thanks to Officer "Jofa" of the Boston Police Department for sending in today’s report. One day the officer was on patrol when he noticed a car double parked in front of a pizza joint. Running a quick check he discovered the car was stolen. Thinking anyone stupid enough to double park a stolen car must be a bozo, the officer thought it might be easy enough to get him to come out and claim it. So, he turned on the blue lights and walked up to the car, preparing to write out a citation. In no time, the bozo appeared, shouting, "Don’t write me a ticket, officer. I’ll move my car!" Add stolen vehicle charges to that parking ticket.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From La Crosse, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Ryan Lang who was pulled over by the cops under suspicion of DUI. While being interviewed, our bozo jumped back into his car and attempted to flee. A bad idea under any circumstances, but a terrible idea in this case. When he jumped back into his car, one officer climbed into the passenger’s seat and a second officer climbed into the car on the driver’s side, on top of our bozo. Undeterred, our bozo still attempted to drive away. Not surprisingly, he only made it about one block before the cops got the situation under control and placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today is obviously a thrifty sort who doesn’t like to let anything go to waste. From Bellview, Florida, comes the story of bozo Dean Starkey who was pulled over by the cops on suspicion of DUI. When the officer asked him to take a sobriety test, our bozo calmly reached down, took a big swig from a cup and tossed it underneath the passenger seat. The officer retrieved the cup and found it to smell strongly of alcohol. Needless to say, he was charged with driving under the influence.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 199908: A cape does not a superhero make. From Kansas City, Missouri, comes the story of bozo Dwayne Miller who stole a semitrailer cab while wearing a superman cape. Cops were quickly on his trail and during the ensuing car chase the vehicle became stuck in the mud. Perhaps it was now that he thought the cape would come in handy, as he jumped out of the truck and tried to flee on foot. Cape or no, he wasn’t quick enough to outrun the cops. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Conningham, Australia where bozo Nicholas Trent was a newlywed. And a very proud newlywed at that. Proud enough that he submitted a wedding announcement and picture to the local newspaper. Which would have been a find idea except for one thing. Our bozo was already married to someone else. And that someone else happened to be reading the paper and noticed the picture. She called the cops and loverboy is now under arrest for bigamy.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Wichita, Kansas, where bozo Charles Martin was pulled over by the cops for a traffic violation. It was then that he offered the Bozo Excuse of the Week. Pointing out the laceration on his head, he told the officer that he had recently bought some crack cocaine and had attempted to pay for it with Monopoly money. Not surprisingly, the dealer had not taken kindly to his offer and had whacked him over the head with a gun. Unfortunately, this excuse was not a get out of jail free card. He was arrested and the search for his dealer is underway.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report. From Fort Walton Beach, Florida, comes the story of a 27-year-old woman who ended up getting arrested because she couldn’t spell her name. A police officer pulled her over after he noticed she had a taillight out. Looking at her license, he noticed her strange first name and asked her to spell it for him. When she misspelled it, the passenger nudged her and she took another crack at it, misspelling it again. He then handed her a sheet of paper and asked her to sign her name and this time she misspelled both her first and last names. He took a look in her purse and found an ID card with her real name. Busted!
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 009877: Choose your hiding place very carefully. From Albion, Indiana, comes the story of Bozo Robert Hawn who was on the run from the cops who suspected that he was in possession of methamphetamines. After more than an hour of searching for him, the cops were just about ready to give up when they decided to look in the most unlikely of places. A liquid manure pit at a local farm. And there they found him, crocodile like, with only his nose and eyes peeking out from the muck. They retrieved him, hosed him off, treated him for hypothermia and placed him under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where bozo Donnell Moore was arrested by the cops after he broke into a smoke shop by crawling through a roof vent. It was during questioning that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he had actually planned on breaking into the liquor store next door. Unfortunately he got confused once on the roof and climbed down the wrong ventilation shaft. Sorry, ignorance is no excuse. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Suffolk, Virginia, where bozo Sean Anderson held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. Perhaps he should have used the store’s sparkling clean facilities before fleeing, but he did not. And as soon as he got outside, he felt the need to answer the call of nature, so he went behind one of the stores dumpsters. In spite of the appropriate name, this was not a good idea. Police arrived quickly and arrested him before he completed his business.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida, where bozo Alan Johnson was getting frustrated by the slow moving drive-thru lane at McDonalds. So, he took out those frustrations on the driver in front of him, ramming his truck into the other driver’s rear bumper. He then simply got out of his truck and walked away, leaving the vehicle unattended in the drive-thru lane. Cops were called and they found our bozo strolling around the parking lot. When the asked him what he was doing, he replied, "Just walking." And as for who was driving his truck, he said it was his "friend." Unfortunately, he had the keys in his pocket. He’s been charged with DUI and leaving the scene of an accident.