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Bozo criminal for today from Orland Park, Illinois, is the female rebuttal to yesterday’s story. Cops pulled over 38-year-old Sheryl Wilson on suspicion of DUI after noticing her driving erratically. When the cops asked her to perform a field sobriety test, she ignored their instructions and offered to instead perform a gymnastics maneuver. When the officer told her that would not be necessary, she went into full Heidi Klum mode and did a runway walk, walking up and down the roadside with her hands on her hips three times. Didn’t work. The officer placed her under arrest. And to cap things off, as he was arresting her, our bozo asked him if he was going to read her "the Amanda rights."

Bozo criminal for today comes from Corvallis, Oregon, where Oregon State offensive lineman Tyler Harris turned up naked at a woman’s home after a night of heavy drinking. The frightened woman called the cops and when they arrived and ordered him to get down on the floor, our naked bozo must have thought he was back on the football field. Instead of simply dropping to the ground, our bozo assumed a three-point football stance and lunged at the officers. Maybe he thought it would get him a job with the Dallas Cowboys. Instead it got him arrested and kicked off the team.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Roanoke, Virginia, where bozo Charles Jacobson had it all figured out. Almost. He walked into a bank, carrying a large black bag and handed the teller a note demanding cash. He received the money and ran from the bank. Once outside, he reached into the bag and grabbed the change of clothes he was carrying, taking off the clothes he had worn during the robbery and putting on a new outfit to avoid being recognized. He then walked away, carrying the cash and leaving the black bag with his holdup clothes behind. Unfortunately, he forgot that he had his ID card in the pants pocket of the holdup clothes. Oops. Police found the bag and the ID and quickly placed our bozo under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Malibu, California, where bozo Neil Hall broke into a car and stole a cell phone. Now, what to do with a stolen phone…maybe put it up for sale on Craig’s List? Sounds like a good idea. Unless the guy you stole it from happens to go shopping on Craig’s List looking for a phone to replace his stolen one. And that’s exactly what happened. The guy bought his own phone from the bozo who stole it. Which might not have been a problem except for a couple of things. Number one, our bozo left all the old phone numbers programmed into the phone so the man immediately recognized it. And number two, our bozo placed his return address on the package. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today from Hillsboro, Oregon proves the old adage that there is a time and a place for everything. Unfortunately for our bozo, this wasn’t the time or the place. Bozo Gregory Hampton decided that it would be fun to drop his pants and moon everyone passing by on the eastbound lane of highway 224. Unfortunately a police officer happened to be passing by at the time. And even more unfortunately, it turns out the guy was on parole and wasn’t supposed to be drinking, which he was. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Ramsgate, England, where bozo Daniel Brown stole the keys to an Audi A4 from a woman’s jacket at a party. Obviously planning on keeping the car for a while, our bozo’s first stop was the local petrol station where he filled the car up. With gasoline. Unfortunately, it was a diesel vehicle. Police found our bozo a short distance away trying to get the broken down car to start. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Madison, Wisconsin, where bozo Brandon Huffman was plying his trade as the street musician known as "Bongo Jesus." With a name like that you might suspect that his musical talent isn’t too great. And you might be right. And his also apparently a little thin skinned. After a 54-year-old man criticized his music, our bozo went El Kabong on him. After a brief argument, he bashed the would-be critic over the head with his guitar. A nearby officer used his stun gun to subdue our bozo and place him under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seattle, Washington, where bozo Thomas Harris robbed a woman at gunpoint when she was stopped at a red light. He got away with $310 but he didn’t get very far. It seems when he leaned in to get his cash she saw that he had the words "Get Money" shaved into his hair on one side of his head. She also noticed he had "Get" tattooed on his right hand and "Money" on his left hand. He should have gone ahead and had "Get Arrested" tattooed on his forehead. Cops recognized the guy from the description and our bozo was quickly placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Dewey Beach, Delaware comes the story of a couple of bozos who were pulled over by a cop for speeding. The officer smelled marijuana wafting from the vehicle and asked our bozos to step out of the car while he conducted a search. After a search turned up nothing, the officer returned to his vehicle where, much to his surprise, he once again smelled the aroma of marijuana. So, he conducted a search of his own patrol car and, sure enough, he found two bags of a leafy green substance stashed in the seat. Yep, one of our bozos had decided to hide the pot in the patrol car while the officer was searching his vehicle. Busted!

Bozo criminals for today come from Red Bluff, California, where a group of marijuana growers were totally into customer service. Too much into it, it turns out. Two game wardens were patrolling a wooded area looking for deer poachers when they heard footsteps coming up behind them. Before they knew what was happening, five men began tossing large duffel bags into the back of the officers pickup truck. And those duffel bags were full of marijuana. Apparently our bozos had mistaken the officers as customers who had stopped by to pick up a delivery of pot. Busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Orem, Utah. Bozo Charles Henry was busted by the cops for selling marijuana. It was then that he gave the officers the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told them that the only reason he was selling weed was to raise money so he could afford to go to the police academy. Guess he got some first hand, on-the-job experience. He’s busted.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Falmouth, Massachusetts, where police officers were trying to catch a thief who had been breaking into cars. So, they placed a "bait car" in a local park and stocked it with tempting goodies, and then settled in nearby in an unmarked van to watch what happened. They didn’t have to wait long. An 18 year-old man walked up, smoking marijuana in a pipe made out of a carrot, and busted out the window. Of the surveillance vehicle, not the bait car. Police officers popped out and placed our bozo under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Eden, New York. Our unidentified bozo placed a dust mask around his neck before entering a bank. Guess he planned to pull it up to conceal his face when he got to the teller’s window, but he forgot. The teller had already gotten a good look at him by the time he passed her the hold-up note. Then his cell phone rang. Apparently it was his getaway car driver calling to remind him that he needed to pull up his mask. And he may have also been calling to tell him that the bank was right across the street from the police station. Either way, our frustrated bozo gave up and ran from the bank. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

Bozo criminals for today come from Elma, Washington, where two unidentified bozos broke into a residence while the homeowner was away on vacation. A neighbor who came by to pick up the mail noticed something was amiss and opened the door. He couldn’t have been more shocked by what he saw. Our bozos, naked on the floor, "in flagrante delicto." With a video camera set up and recording the whole thing. Yep, they were making their own little porno. Our bozos fled out the back door but left the video camera behind. One of the cops recognized the "star" of the show and they were both placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today found out the hard way that honesty isn’t the best policy when you’re a bozo. From Kimberton, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozo Justin Carson who went into the local credit union to cash a check. As he left, he didn’t notice as something fell out of his pocket. That something turned out to be a packet of heroin. The cops were called and they used information from our bozo’s account to track him down. When an officer asked him if he’d lost anything in the bank, he replied, "two bags of heroin." Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Athens, Georgia, where bozo Gregg Thomas broke into an elementary school cafeteria. He set off a burglar alarm and was still inside rummaging around when the police arrived. Before they could reach him, our bozo ran out through the back door, dropping his cell phone in the process. The cops couldn’t catch up to him, but one of the officers had an idea. He picked up the phone, looked in the contact list and called the number marked "Ma." His mother picked up and after the cop explained what was going on, she gave him her son’s name and address. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminals for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 575701: When selecting an animal to guard your marijuana crop, make sure it actually "guards." From the International File in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada, comes the story of a bozo husband and wife team who had a large marijuana growing operation, with over 1000 plants covering two large outdoor plots. Our bozos apparently knew that they had a valuable commodity that needed to be protected. So, they brought in 10 large black bears to guard the place. Don’t know whether the bears were never properly trained or whether they’d simply been dipping into the crop, but when the cops arrived they found 10 of the most laid-back, docile bears you’d ever want to see. According to the cops, they were just "laying around watching," and saying the bear version of "Wow, man"! Busted!

Bozo criminal for today did something that no doubt most of us have thought about at least once. It was how he went about it that got him into trouble. Bozo Richard Wilkinson was picking up a few items in the grocery store and as he was heading for the checkout lane, when a woman stepped in front of him. She walked up to the express lane, which was empty, and asked the clerk if she could check out there even though she had more than the required 10 items. The clerk let her proceed and that set our bozo off. He started berating her, calling her fat and ugly and in general causing a disturbance. She called 911. Our bozo was issued a $429 fine. No word on whether he ever got to use the express lane.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Waterloo, Iowa, where bozo Terrance Mitchell loves video equipment. Loves it a lot, but unfortunately can’t afford it. So he did what any Bozo would do, he stole some. Unfortunately, what he stole was the video surveillance camera from a local home improvement store. And the store’s other cameras caught him in the act of swiping it. Store employees chased him down and caught him before he got out of the parking lot.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jim Kelly for sending in today’s report. Bozo Carlos Ruiz had just landed a job at the local TGI Fridays but apparently still needed to supplement his income. So, he visited Sears and shoplifted a watch from a display table. When the store’s security guard approached him, he handed over the watch. Then, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, he shoved the officer and ran out of the mall. Unfortunately, during the scuffle, he dropped a bag he was carrying. And even more unfortunately, that bag was from TGI Fridays and contained information that he had just been hired. Oops. That new job will have to wait. He’s been arrested.