Bozo criminal for today comes from Port St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Kathryn Hill was arrested after selling a bag of oxycodone pills to an undercover officer. The officer also seized $1300 in cash that he suspected had been used for illegal drug activity. When asked where she got the money, our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. She told the officer "the tooth fairy gave it" to her. She’s busted.
Bozo criminals for today come from Miami, Florida, where this bunch thought they had it all planned out. They carefully staked out the bank branch they wanted to rob. Then, they scheduled their robbery for Sunday morning when there would be no one around. Two of them entered the bank through the ceiling while another bozo remained outside, on lookout. Well, sort of on lookout. At least until he fell asleep. Police responding to an alarm found him snoring in the getaway vehicle. They also found his accomplices inside the bank. They’re all under arrest.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Pete Unger for sending in today’s report from the International File in Calgary, Canada. An unidentified bozo noticed a traffic camera flash as he drove through an intersection. Thinking he was not speeding, he turned around and drove past the camera again, this time driving below the speed limit. Again, the camera flashed. He then turned around and drove past the camera a third time, going even slower this time. Again, the camera snapped his picture. A couple of weeks later, he got three tickets in the mail for not wearing a seat belt.
Bozo criminal for today isn’t really a criminal but he definitely fills the bozo bill. From Olympia, Washington, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who showed up at the Highway Patrol office to apply for a job. Part of the job interview involved taking a polygraph test. It was while he was hooked up to the lie detector that a Highway Patrol employee arrived and noticed a book in the front seat of the car parked next to hers. The title of the book, in big bold print, "How to Beat the Lie Detector." She informed the person administering the test of what she had seen and he asked our bozo if he had been looking at any research materials before taking the test. He said no. Apparently the book’s advice didn’t work. He was then told he’d no longer be considered for the job.
Bozo criminal for today violated seldom used Bozo Rule Number 223090: Get permission first before using your girlfriend’s privates as a drug repository. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Bozo Luke Ward was pulled over by the cops and before they reached the car our bozo grabbed a large bag of cocaine and stuffed it up his girlfriend’s dress. When the officer stepped up to the car, the obviously miffed girlfriend told him she had a stash of drugs in her underwear and that they were placed there by her boyfriend. After the officer confirmed the presence of the drugs our bozo was busted. In spite of her help, the girlfriend was also placed under arrest, for a probation violation.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Chicago, Illinois where bozo Jimmy McDonald spotted a parked ambulance and thought it might be fun to take it for a spin. He hopped in, turned on the lights and drove off. Unfortunately, he didn’t take a look in the back before climbing in. Paramedics working on a patient called the cops and our bozo was quickly apprehended. He offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week by telling the cops he was simply driving a friend to the hospital. They told him to leave the driving to professionals. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today don’t really qualify as criminals but they are definitely Bozo-Worthy. From Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada, comes the story of 150 women who turned up at fundraiser to benefit a local lodge. The fundraiser featured alcohol and male strippers, a potentially dangerous combination. The situation took a turn for the worse when one woman stood up in a chair to get a better look at the entertainment. Unfortunately, this blocked the view of others and all hell broke loose, resulting in police being called to break up the brawl. Five ladies were arrested and two spent the night in jail, but charges probably won’t be filed. According to an officer who witnessed the melee, "Everybody was so drunk, it was difficult to determine what really took place and who was at fault."
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report. From Brookline, Massachusetts comes the story of bozo Michael Lucas who robbed the local bank and fled on foot. He was spotted by an off-duty police officer who gave chase before losing track of him in an alley. The officer then noticed a black Toyota Camry pass him. Ten minutes later, the Camry was found abandoned about four blocks away from the bank. The car was towed to the police station where one of the officers noticed the trunk bounce. When the trunk was opened, out popped our bozo. Yep, he had driven his getaway car a few blocks and then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to park it and hide in the trunk. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 876767: Always get your rest, but be careful where you get it. From Good Hope, Illinois, comes the story of bozo Adam Brown who fell asleep behind the wheel of his truck while at the gas station filling the vehicle up. The cops were called and before awakening our bozo they took a look in the back of his truck. And much to their surprise, they found a meth lab, two grams of finished meth and $238 in cash. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report, apparently featuring a hungry gang of redneck bozos. Our bozos broke into a mobile home, walked right past the 42-inch flat screen TV and headed straight to the kitchen. Once there, they went through the cabinets. The items reported stolen are as follows: a box of Cap’n Crunch cereal, a package of hot link sausages, a loaf of Sunbeam bread, a tub of Country Crock spread, a package of Velveeta cheese and a roll of Pillsbury Grand biscuits (what, no Cheetos?). Police are still looking for our well-fed bozos.
Bozo criminal for today at least gets bonus points for creativity. From Ocala, Florida, comes the story of 65-year-old grandma Elsie Olson who was pulled over by the cops for driving erratically. It was after she failed a field sobriety test that granny showed her ingenuity. After telling the officer that she "wasn’t that bad," she then tried to talk her way out of the ticket by offering to take the cop back to her house and make him a grilled cheese sandwich. She probably should have offered him a donut. She’s under arrest.
Thanks to numerous Bozo News Hawks for alerting us to today’s story. From Manatee, Florida comes the story of bozo Raymond Rowe who was pulled over by the cops for speeding. After writing out the speeding ticket, the officer asked our bozo if he had smoked marijuana recently. Our bozo responded that he had smoked some the previous evening and then invited the cop to search the car. The officer checked the car and then searched our bozo. When the cop noticed a soft object sticking out of our bozo’s buttocks, our bozo said, "Let me get it." He then proceeded to pull out a baggie containing 4.5 grams of marijuana. The officer continued his search and found another baggie in the same area. He pulled it out and found the baggie contained 27 pieces of rock cocaine. It was then that our bozo offered up the Bozo Explanation of the Week. He told the cop, "The weed is mine, the white stuff isn’t." Unfortunately he had no reasonable explanation for how the white stuff got there. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Mark Garstin for sending in today’s report. It comes from the International File in British Columbia, Canada, where it seems the new anti-speeding laws are causing some problems for lead footed motorists. An unidentified female bozo was pulled over by the cops and ticketed for doing 60 MPH in a 30 MPH zone. She was given a $150 speeding ticket and sent on her way. Obviously hoping to make up for lost time, she was caught by the cops a short time later again doing 60 in a 30. It was at this time that she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Month. She told the officer that the flashing red and blue lights in her rear view mirror were blinding her and she was simply trying to get away from them. Busted!
Bozo criminals for today come from Ukiah, California, where three unidentified bozos were spotted by the cops driving a stolen vehicle. They jumped out and fled, leaving the vehicle, which was filled with marijuana, behind. The cops chased our bozos into a nearby warehouse, which might have been a pretty good hiding place except for one thing. The warehouse was their marijuana processing operation. Oops. Nineteen people were arrested and 700 pounds of pot was confiscated.
We’ve all heard the old saying, "When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go." This may not always be true, especially if the place you’ve gotta go at is in front of a police station. From Royal Oak, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Walter Parker who heard the call of nature when he was near the Royal Oak police station. He walked over and relieved himself on the side of the police station and then he walked inside. Once inside, he told an officer that he wanted to file a police report on an undisclosed matter. While he was working on that, several witnesses informed the front desk officer what had just transpired outside. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Alliance, Ohio, where bozo James Boone ran out of the local Walmart with a shopping cart full of unpaid merchandise. Security officers called the cops but by the time they arrived our bozo had vanished. Police were stumped until they received another call, this time from a friend of our bozo. The friend said our bozo had hidden in a nearby dumpster which had then been picked up by the garbage crew. And according to our bozo, who had called his friend on his cellphone, he had already been compacted with the trash once. Police were able to track down the truck and rescue our bozo before he suffered serious injuries. He’s under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today violated Bozo Rule Number 75757: If you don’t have a real weapon, at least try to find one that looks real. From Duncansville, Pennsylvania, comes the story of bozos Shannon Collins and Angela Carter who walked into an adult book store, flashed a fake gun and demanded cash. Unfortunately for them, the phony gun didn’t scare the clerk, who took one look at it and said, "First, if you’re going to rob someone, get a real gun, and, second, you’re not getting any money." She then chased them out of the store and into their waiting van. Using her description of the vehicle, the cops were able to quickly track down and arrest our bozos.
Our bozo for today was foiled by his good upbringing and by the fact that his mother taught him to always flush. From Middletown, Connecticut, comes the story of bozo Sam Austin who broke into a residence and was rummaging around when nature called. He visited the home’s bathroom and was just flushing the toilet when the homeowner returned. Hearing the sound of the toilet, she ran next door and called the cops. He’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today receives our first ever Dagwood Bumstead award. From Wauwatosa, Wisconsin, comes the story of bozo Richard Pope who was pulled over by the cops after they noticed him driving erratically. As the officer approached, he noticed our bozo was eating a sandwich. Upon further investigation, he discovered all the sandwich makings, a loaf of bread, cheese, salami, mustard, in the passenger seat. Apparently he had been putting the sandwich together while he was driving. The officer also found a bottle of alcohol in the car. He’s been charged with DUI.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From the International File in Brasilia, Brazil, comes the story of a couple of bozos who thought they’d found the perfect hiding place for their stash of crack cocaine. In the gas tank of their car. They stuffed 11 pounds of crack into the vehicle’s tank and then, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, headed to the gas station to fill ‘er up. And that’s when things went terribly wrong. The tank blew up, blasting car shrapnel 20 yards and peppering the walls of the station with crack. Police speculate the large amount of crack stuffed into the tank caused undue pressure, resulting in the explosion during filling. Miraculously, our bozos sustained only minor injuries and were placed under arrest.