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Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Wigan, England, where thieves stole a batch of pies as they were on the way to the World Pie Eating Championships. This would not ordinarily have been newsworthy except for the secret ingredient that the chef had placed into the pies to prevent the potatoes from becoming mushy. Viagra. Yep, the chef placed Viagra into the pies to keep the potatoes firm. The local police chief says, and we quote, "the local folk should be on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals." There’s nothing more we can say.

Bozo criminal for today comes from East Wenatchee, Washington, where an unidentified bozo robbed a woman and grabbed her purse after threatening to shoot her. Our bozo took off running toward what he thought was his approaching getaway vehicle. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. It was a marked patrol car, driven by an officer who had slowed down after he noticed what was happening. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the Orange County Jail in Santa Ana, California, where bozo Malcolm Carson was tired of the salami sandwiches he was being served. So, he filed a protest about the jailhouse food, citing religious beliefs. And the religious holiday that he named that required Kosher food wasn’t Hanukkah. He said he needed Kosher food to celebrate Festivus. Festivus is the fictional holiday that was celebrated with the airing of grievances and feats of strength on the Seinfeld TV show. His request has been thrown out.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the Political Division. From McAlester, Oklahoma, comes the story of bozo state representative Terry Harrison who was very proud of himself when he bagged a piebald, white-tailed deer. He was so proud, he called the media to brag about his prize. Unfortunately, a game warden read the newspaper story about the deer and realized that the representative likely was in violation of state hunting regulations since he didn’t have a permit to shoot the animal. Oops. And our bozo should have known better, since he wrote some of the state’s hunting laws. He’s been fined $296.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our "’Tis the Season" file. From the International File in Montabaur, Germany, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who answered the door of his home to find the police standing outside. They informed him that they had received reports that he might be in possession of marijuana. Our bozo co-operated with the officers and turned over 5.5 ounces of pot and as they were leaving one of the officers noticed the lovely Christmas tree that our bozo had nicely decorated. As he took a closer look at the tree, he noticed it wasn’t a fir or a pine. It wasn’t even a cedar. Instead, it was a 7 foot tall marijuana plant with Christmas ornaments all over it. Looks like Santa has just added someone to the "Naughty" list.

Bozo for today comes from New York City, and we’ll leave it up to you to decide who’s the criminal here. 80-year-old Delia Greer was walking to the subway station when she tossed a newspaper into a city trash bin. An officer quickly approached and began writing her a citation. It seems the city trash cans are for "litter only" and a personal newspaper doesn’t qualify. Even though Delia offered to reach in and remove the paper, the sanitation cop refused to take back the ticket. Merry &$&S%^& Christmas! Delia says she’ll appeal.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bolingbrook, Illinois, where bozo Robert Otto was out on probation for a prior burglary charge. Police answering a call of a burglary at a residence noticed something strange. The home had been broken into before, about a year and a half ago. And many of the items that were stolen this time had been recovered when the previous case had been solved. And who do you think had pulled the previous crime? Yep, our out-on-parole bozo. Further investigation determined he had returned to the home to finish what he had started several months before. He’s under arrest, again.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Butler, Pennsylvania, where bozo Chad Carson stole a car, which he found unlocked with the keys inside. Our bozo had been drinking and his reflexes apparently weren’t too good and before he got very far he crashed the vehicle into a utility pole. Finding himself uninjured, our bozo simply jumped out of the car and fled. No problems, right? Wrong. When he ran away he left his wallet and cellphone inside the car. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarence, New York where an unidentified bozo dialed a number that he thought belonged to his drug dealer and told the person on the other end of the line that he was looking "to score" drugs. Unfortunately he mis-dialed and, instead of getting his dealer, he called the local "Crime Stoppers." The cop on the other end of the line played along and set up a meeting with undercover officers. In the spirit of the holiday season, the cops let our bozo off after he agreed to give them the right number this time for his drug dealer who was busted.

Bozo criminals for today come from Edmond, Oklahoma where bozos Ailene Bowen and Shirley Tate tried to shoplift some items from the local TJ Maxx store. The items included four pair of boots, three pair of jeans, a wallet and gloves. You’d have to wonder where they would try to hide such a large number of items. You’d probably never think of the location. Our bozos tried to smuggle the items in the copious folds of fat on their bodies. Maybe they needed to gain a few more pounds. Security guards noticed their rather lumpy appearance and they were placed under arrest.

With the arrival of cold weather across the nation, it’s once again time to point out that snow and bozos don’t mix. From Bend, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Bobby Davis who broke into a business, took some cash and headed back to his motel room. This might have been a successful crime in the summer…but it’s winter. And winter in Oregon means there could be snow on the ground. And there was. Police simply followed the tracks in the snow from the break in back to our bozo’s motel room. He’s under arrest.

We’re aware that pay phones are hard to find these days, but perhaps our bozo should have searched a little harder. From Eugene, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Nathan Brown who wanted to phone his mother, so he walked into a building where he found a pay phone and placed his call. Unfortunately, the building he walked into was a police station. More unfortunately, he was wanted for a recent bank robbery. And even more unfortunately, an officer working the front desk recognized him from a surveillance video. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost for sending in today’s report from Buffalo, New York. Bozo Edward Toll broke into a house by kicking in the front door. The noise awoke the female occupant who grabbed a baseball bat and chased him out of the house. Undeterred, our bozo regrouped and tried again, this time climbing through a window on the front of the residence. Or almost climbing through. Apparently that second helping of stuffing on Thanksgiving did him in. He got stuck halfway into the house. And that’s exactly where the officers found him. He’s under arrest and is no doubt considering the new Weight Watchers Points Plus program.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Gripperie-Saint-Symphorien, France, where a duck farmer had his farm raided by the police who found 12 marijuana plants and 11 pounds of bagged pot on the premises. It was when they tried to place him under arrest that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Month. He told the police that he fed the ducks marijuana to worm them. We’ve heard of "contented cows"…but "contented ducks"? Police didn’t buy the excuse. He’s busted!

With Thanksgiving rapidly approaching, we have an appropriate Bozo story for you today. From New York City comes the story of bozo Sal Leon who donned a mask, grabbed his gun and stormed into a pizzeria, demanding cash. He was handed a large bag by a pizza shop employee and quickly fled the scene. Um…maybe he asked for "dough" instead of "cash" because that’s what he got. The bag was full of pizza dough. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today proves once again that the old phrase, "If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again" doesn’t apply in the Bozo World. From Kalamazoo, Michigan comes the story of bozo Charles Haskins who walked into a convenience store and demanded cash. The clerk told him no way and our bozo turned around and walked out. Thinking he would try a different approach, our bozo returned to the store a short time later and this time told the clerk he had a weapon and again demanded cash. The clerk again declined, but this time he had backup. The police he had called after the first robbery attempt arrived just as our bozo was leaving the store for the second time. He’s under arrest.

No criminals involved in today’s story, but there are still plenty of bozos to go around. From Weehawken, New Jersey comes the story of the Ladies of Envy dance troupe who had traveled all the way from Jacksonville, Florida to make an appearance on the BET Network’s "106 & Park" show. Unfortunately, they were running late and you know how notoriously slow New York traffic is. After they got stuck in the tunnel that connects New Jersey and New York City, the dancers jumped out of their limo and decided to try to sprint to the TV studio. Unfortunately, they were wearing their camouflage dance costumes which attracted the attention of the Port Authority Police and the FBI-NYPD Joint Terrorism Task Force, who promptly gave chase. The resulting mayhem caused the tunnel to be closed for 45 minutes. It was all eventually sorted out, but not in time for the TV appearance. The disappointed dancers have headed back to Jacksonville.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Homestead, Pennsylvania, where bozo Thomas Carl walked into the local Subway and filled out a job application form. Guess he must have needed a job really bad because when they didn’t hire him on the spot, he flashed a gun and held up the place, getting away with a small amount of cash. He forgot one small detail, however…that job application he filled out. With his mother’s address and phone number on it. Mom told the cops where he could be found and he was placed under arrest.

Our bozo for today from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club doesn’t exactly qualify as a criminal, but no doubt she’s a bozo. From Lincoln, Nebraska, comes the story of bozo Tiffani Wheeler who was fed up with her boyfriend. So fed up, in fact, that she held him down and tried to slice a tattoo of her name off his neck. He was able to escape with only minor injuries. She’s been ordered to stay away from sharp objects.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Tonypandy, Wales, where a bozo group of thieves made off with $11,000 worth of rings from a local jewelry store. Now, what do you do with a bunch hot jewelry? You try to sell it, of course. Maybe on eBay? Nope. Perhaps on the street corner? No. Try to sell it to another jewelry store? Yep, that’s what they did. And to add to their problems, they tried to sell the hot merchandise at another branch of the same jewelry store they had just robbed. Bad idea. They’re under arrest.