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Once again today we have a story of a bozo who effectively arrested himself. From Portland, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Timothy Clark who broke into a residence and was treating himself to a nice hot shower when the homeowner returned. Startled by the man, and fearing that he might have a gun, our bozo locked himself in the bathroom and dialed 911 to ask for help. "Hello, operator, I, uh, broke into a house and now I’m afraid the owner is going to shoot me…could you send the cops over?" He’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Hazard, Kentucky. Bozo Shane Harvey was in need of a ride home and when he couldn’t find a taxi he did the next logical thing…he stole an ambulance. He was walking by the hospital and noticed the unattended ambulance out front, so he hopped in and headed to the house. Didn’t quite make it. An officer noticed an ambulance being driven erratically and pulled him over. He said he planned on calling the ambulance service to tell them to come pick it up as soon as he got home. Police weren’t sympathetic. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida, where bozo Johnnie Baxter was rolling around the local Walmart in his motorized wheelchair when security guards spotted him stuffing two bras into his pants. Employees detained him until the cops arrived at which time he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he was stealing the undies as a gift for his girlfriend, who is scheduled to be released from jail later this month. After finding he had $350 in cash in his pocket, the cops were less than sympathetic. He’s under arrest for shoplifting.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rome, Georgia, where bozo Joseph Starkey was obviously hungry. He walked into the local Walmart and grabbed a rotisserie chicken and some hot wings. And since his mother had told him to brush after every meal he then picked up a couple of toothbrushes. Then he proceeded to stuff everything down his pants, including the chicken. Needless to say his "chicken walk" attracted a little attention as he tried to exit through the Garden Center. He’s been charged with shoplifting.

Bozo criminal for today may have technically committed a crime, but we would have to agree with him that the rapidly rising gas prices are the crime here. From LaPlace, Louisiana, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who called 911 to complain about the rising gas prices. When the officers arrived, he explained that the price of gas on the pump was $3.04 when he started pumping, but rose to $3.19 before he was finished. The manager of the store said the pumps were controlled by computer and once the price change was initiated there was no way to stop it, even if someone was pumping gas at the time. The officers took pity on our bozo and merely warned him about mis-using the 911 service.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Covington, Georgia, where bozo Robert Smith had a plan. He was going to break into a local school by climbing down through an air vent. The first hiccup in the plan came as he tried to squeeze himself into the vent. It was a tight fit. So tight that something had to go if he was going to get in. And that something was his clothes, which he left in a pile on the roof beside the vent. The second problem was the school’s security system, which was set off as soon as our bozo set foot on the floor. Oops. Naked bozo is under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow who sent in today’s report, which violates Bozo Rule Number 4678: It’s best to keep a low profile when you’re a wanted man. From the International File in Piatra-Neamt, Romania comes the story of bozo Viorel Piescan who fled from the cops 10 years ago after being charged with forgery. And of course, you’d want to find a low profile job that didn’t draw attention to you, right? Wrong. Our bozo found gainful employment as an anchorman on a primetime TV show. Must have been a low-rated one, as no one noticed him until the cops pulled him over for a traffic violation and discovered the outstanding warrant. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ocala, Florida, where bozo Charles Griffin walked into a bank, handed the teller a hold-up note and got away with an undisclosed amount of cash. And that’s when things started to awry. Our bozo walked into a porta potty across the street to change clothes and was spotted by an alert officer who noticed a "suspicious looking" man exiting the potty. The cop followed our bozo to a nearby restaurant where he was found to be in possession of the cash from the robbery. A quick search of the potty turned up the clothes he wore during the heist, a pellet gun and the hold-up note. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Henderson, Nevada, where bozo Robert Weston was arrested by the cops on burglary charges. He was handcuffed and placed in the back of the patrol car. While the officers were away from the car, our bozo somehow managed to slither through a square-foot wide opening between the plexiglass window and the back of the driver’s seat. While still handcuffed, he managed to drive away. Unfortunately, he forgot one thing. Many police cars have built-in GPS devices. Cops tracked the car’s location to a softball field a couple of miles away, where our bozo was found hiding. He’s under arrest again.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report. From Lawrenceburg, Indiana, comes the story of bozo Amos Adams who was pulled over by the cops for not wearing a seat belt. When asked for ID, our bozo said he didn’t have any. The cop then asked him to write down his full name, address and date of birth on a piece of paper. The cop looked at it and asked how to pronounce "Rorth Taylor", the name he had given. The man said his name was "Robert" and when the cop asked him to spell it, he said, "R-E-R-E-R-T" and said his last name was "T-A-Y-L-O-E-R". After several more unsuccessful attempts to spell his name, our bozo decided to fess up and tell the officer his real name, admitting that he had lied because there was a warrant for his arrest. He was right about that. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Millville, New Jersey, where bozo Irwin Krause was arrested for shoplifting at the local Walmart. It was when the cops asked him for an explanation that he came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops that he had lost a bet with a friend and was given the choice of shoplifting $50 worth of stuff from Walmart or running down the street naked. He decided the lesser of the two evils was to shoplift. He should have gotten naked. Police weren’t interested in his bet and charged him with shoplifting.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 93354: If you’re planning on robbing a gun shop, be sure your weapon is loaded. From Northland, Missouri, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a gun store and tried to purchase some ammunition. He handed the clerk $40 for the box of shells and when the clerk told him he was $10 short, our bozo pulled out a gun and demanded cash. The quick thinking clerk took one look at our bozo’s weapon and, noticing that the gun’s cylinder was empty, pulled a gun of his own, which was fully loaded. Seeing the error of his ways, our bozo made a hasty retreat, leaving his $40 behind. Oops…

The best we can say about today’s bozo was that he had good intentions. And you know where good intentions lead you…to jail. From Skowhegan, Maine, comes the story of bozo Joshua Lang who served jail time on bank robbery charges. After being released, his probation stated that he could not enter any of the branches of the credit union he had robbed. The probation also required that our bozo pay restitution to the bank. So, he did what any bozo would do. He went back to the bank he had robbed to ask for a loan to pay back the bank. Bad idea. One of the tellers recognized him and called the cops. He’s under arrest. Again.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond who sent along a story that once again proves the old adage that a dog is man’s best friend does not apply to bozos. From Moro, Oregon, comes the story of bozo Joel Dawson who was pulled over by a police officer after he noticed him driving erratically. As the car pulled to a stop the officer saw what appeared to be a stuffed sock fly out of the passenger’s side window. Deciding honesty was the best policy, our bozo explained to the cop what happened. He said that he kept his stash of marijuana and hashish in the sock and as he was being pulled over, he grabbed it in an attempt to place it somewhere out of sight. Unfortunately, his pit bull mix that was riding with him, saw what he was doing and decided it was time to play tug of war. The dog won, tossing the sock out of the open window. He’s busted! No word on whether the dog plans to join the police force.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Rochester Hills, Michigan, where our unidentified 400 pound bozo shoplifted a number of items from an electronics store. She loaded the stuff on her motorized cart and headed for the door, but that’s as far as she got. Here overloaded cart got stuck in the motorized exit door. She was trying to get herself free when security guards arrived. She’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Temecula, California had a nice little business going selling tires. His business was not the problem, his supplier, however, was. Apparently our bozo would steal tires from the local Best for Less Tire store and then re-sell them out of his van. Now you would think if you were selling hot tires, you’d want to keep it low-key, right? Wrong? Our bozo had his van fixed up nice, with big lettering proclaiming "Jeff Tires" on the side. And did we mention he also used this vehicle when he was stealing tires from the local store? And did we also mention that security cameras at the tire store photographed him loading the stolen tires into the boldly labeled van? They did. He’s busted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Montreal, Canada, where our bozo thought he had planned the perfect crime. "Thought" is the key word here. He rented a backhoe and used it to smash into a strip mall, with the intention of carrying out the ATM machine. Phase one of the plan went OK, with the backhoe breaking through the exterior windows. Then, things started to go sour. Once inside, the backhoe was simply too large and got stuck, damaging the ceiling and setting off the sprinkler system, causing our bozo to get soaked. Quickly seeing the error of his ways, our bozo fled the scene in a blue pickup truck which was parked outside. Everything was caught on the mall’s security cameras. Police expect to make an arrest shortly.

Our bozo for today is another case of cutting out the middle man…the cop…as our bozo pulled herself over. From Sandusky, Ohio comes the story of an unidentified bozo who had had a little too much to drink. She was driving home when she saw flashing lights in her rear view mirror. Being a law abiding citizen, she pulled over, and waited for the cop to approach. And waited. We don’t know if she ever decided to quit waiting and leave because she was unable to do so. When she pulled over she got her car stuck in a snowbank on the side of the road. A passing motorist called the cops who came by and arrested our bozo for DUI. And those flashing lights that she thought were a police officer? They were the flashing lights from the sign of a nearby skating rink.

Bozo criminals for today come from the International File in Nanaimo, British Columbia, where our bozos went to a whole lot of trouble for nothing. They spotted a very large, old safe at the Lonewolf Cabinet Company. Thinking any safe this big must contain something valuable, they broke in and somehow managed to haul the heavy safe out the back loading dock. If they ever manage to get it open, they’re in for a big surprise. The company owner, who says he had to use a crane to put the safe in the building in the first place, told the cops that the combination lock didn’t work and he had only kept it as a decoration for the office. Perhaps the cops should first check hernia patients at the local hospital.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From Coralville, Iowa, comes the story of bozo Whitney Green who returned a number of items to her local Kohl’s store. While the clerks were going through the stuff and checking for receipts, they found something that she definitely didn’t buy at Kohl’s. A baggie of marijuana. Oops. She’s busted!