Bozo criminal for today comes from Kansas City, Missouri, where our unidentified bozo wanted to pull off a carjacking. It was his method that was questionable. He jumped on the hood of a car, pointed a gun at the woman behind the wheel and ordered her to drive. And drive she did. Straight to a nearby police station where she crashed the car through a garage door. Our bozo, uninjured in the crash, was quickly placed under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today from San Diego, California, violated Bozo Rule Number 223098: Choose an appropriate disguise for your crime. Our unidentified bozo dressed himself head to toe in a Gumby costume and walked into a convenience store, claiming to have a gun and demanding cash. The clerk took one look at our bozo and figured he had to be kidding. The clerk told him he was cleaning up and didn’t have time to waste with him. That was when Gumby tried to pull his gun from his costume, but his big green hands kept him from getting anything but 26 cents, which fell to the floor. Realizing the error of his ways, our bozo fled to his waiting getaway car. No word on whether Pokey was driving.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Merrillville, Indiana, where police were called to a report of a shirtless man carrying a sword on Interstate 65. When the cops arrived, they found bozo Byron Wilson, dressed in plaid shorts and slip on shoes, marching down the shoulder of the road, waving the 35-inch samurai sword in the air like a drum major carrying a baton. Our bozo threatened the approaching officer with the sword and was quickly placed under arrest. It was after his apprehension that our bozo offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops he was "Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs."
Our bozo criminal for today from St. Louis, Missouri, must have remembered the old bank robber’s quote that you rob banks because that’s where the money is. Thinking that a police substation lot would be a good place to break into cars, because that’s where the cars are, our bozo entered the lot just after 1 a.m. and began looting cars. Lots of cars, yes. Lots of police officers around, also yes. He was quickly spotted by an officer and our bozo was placed under arrest.
Bozo criminals for today from Bay, Arkansas, thought they had it all figured out. They staked the place out, and when they were sure the owner was away, they pulled a big truck and a trailer up and started hauling stuff out. What they didn’t realize was that the owner hadn’t gone far away. Just to a nearby airport to take a plane ride. When the pilot flew him over his house, the homeowner noticed the suspicious activity and called the cops. Our bozo burglars are under arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Sugar Land, Texas where bozo shoplifter Angela Hall made a number of mistakes. First, she grabbed the items from a mall store in full view of a number of shoppers and the store manager. Second, she chose an unfortunate escape route that took her past a professional photographer who was taking pictures at the mall. Hearing the shouts of "Shoplifter!" he took off after her snapping photos. And third, she tossed some of the stolen items into the bushes outside, ran 20 yards and then decided to come back and pick them up. It was then that the photographer got a clear shot of her face. Using the photos as evidence, the police were able to make a quick arrest.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Picton, New Zealand where an unidentified bozo left a bag containing marijuana, a pipe and a cell phone at a ferry terminal. After it was handed over to the cops, one of the officers heard the phone ringing inside the bag. When he answered it, our bozo asked for the location of the bag. The officer told him it was at the police station. And of course our bozo showed up there shortly to claim it. She’s busted!
Bozo criminal for today comes from Shelton, Connecticut, where bozo Michael Arthur was fed up with the lack of parking spaces in town. So, he parked in a handicapped space at 2 AM and then called the cops to turn himself in. When they didn’t immediately respond, he called them again. And again. Twelve times in total. When the officers finally arrived, he didn’t go quietly. In fact, he raised such a ruckus that the cops had to use a stun gun to subdue him. Don’t know what exactly he was trying to prove, but he’s been charged with breach of peace and interfering with an officer. Oh, and he was also given a parking ticket.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk John Carter for sending in today’s report. From Lincoln, Nebraska, comes the story of bozo Steven Haynes who may have partied a little too hard last week. Our bozo passed out in the back of an $80,000 limo. We don’t know if the limo driver simply overlooked him or if he couldn’t wake him up, but when our bozo came to, he found himself inside the parked and locked limo at the limo service yard. Finding the keys inside, he did what any bozo would do. He started it up and drove the limo home. Well, he almost made it home…the cops found it about three blocks from his residence. And how did they know our bozo was the limo-stealer? Easy. He left his pants and wallet in the back. He’s busted!
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report that proves once and for all that what works for Fred Flintstone doesn’t necessarily work for everyone. From Roseville, Michigan comes the story of bozo Robert Burnett who was seen driving down the road with his feet outside the car door. When the cops pulled him over, he said his brakes had been malfunctioning and he was using his feet to slow the car. Ouch. He’s been charged with reckless driving.
From the International File in Manama, Kuwait, comes the story of a bozo fined for the most unusual infraction of the law ever. A motorist was pulled over by the cops and while the officer was talking to him he noticed the driver had bad breath. Really bad breath. REALLY, really bad breath. The officer wrote him a ticket for halitosis and sent him on his way. Guess you should add coffee to the list of things you shouldn’t "drink" and drive.
Bozo criminal for today comes from Fort Worth, Texas, where, for reasons known only to the Bozo Mind, bozo Timothy Rogers decided to steal a forklift from a construction site. And, being a true bozo, he decided to do it in broad daylight, leading the cops on a super low-speed chase down Interstate 30. During the chase, our bozo stood up, chugged a beer and tossed the can at the cop car behind him. Not a good idea. He’s been charged with theft, aggravated assault on a peace officer and driving while intoxicated.
Bozo criminal for today from Brooklyn, New York, issued the cops a challenge, which is never a good idea,especially when you are a wanted man. Bozo Victor Brown, who was wanted on multiple arrest warrants for domestic violence, posted a note for the cops on his Facebook site, "Catch me if you can, I’m in Brooklyn," after his name appeared on the police department’s 10 most wanted list. This apparently was all the incentive the cops needed. They quickly tracked him down and found him in his Brooklyn apartment, sitting at his computer, with his Facebook page open.
Our bozo for today can’t rightfully be called a criminal for reasons that will soon become apparent. Woodward, Oklahoma police were called to the Boiling Springs Golf Course after a report of a disturbance at the annual Elks Lodge fundraiser golf tournament. It seems a woman had stripped off all her clothes during a putting challenge. The police investigated, but left without making an arrest. The reason? It seems no one participating in the Elks’ event was willing to file a formal complaint against the naked woman. Case closed.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Greg Peet for sending in today’s report which reminds us that a good night’s sleep is essential for carrying out the tasks of the day. From South Haven, Michigan, comes the story of bozo Ryan Fisher who broke into the garage of a residence. He found a motorcycle inside and attempted to hot wire it but was apparently unsuccessful. He did, however, successfully hot wire a four wheeler, which he drove from the garage to a secluded area near the home. He then returned to the garage and drove the other four wheeler to the same location. Obviously, this took a lot of work, so he decided to take a little break. And that break turned into a nice nap. Meanwhile, the police were called to the home and they noticed the tracks of the four wheelers, which led them to our still sleeping bozo. His excuse? He said he had taken some Valium. Whatever, he’s under arrest.
In all the Bozo Criminal Archives, you’ll never find a case of a bozo using a more revolting weapon than the one we have for you this morning. From Cape Coral, Florida, comes the story of bozo Owen Carpenter who was confronted by the cops outside a local McDonalds. The police had received reports of our bozo harassing customers as they attempted to enter the restaurant, but they had no idea just what he was doing. When they arrived, they found our shirtless bozo standing near the entrance squeezing away at the acne on his back. Yuk. After a brief chase, he was arrested and charged with drug possession and assault with a disgusting weapon.
Bozo for today violated Bozo Rule Number 339908: Use caution when trying to act like a tough guy when you don’t know what you’re doing. From Chandler, Arizona, comes the story of bozo Joshua Sloan who is not a criminal, but certainly pulled off a bozo stunt. Our bozo was walking into a grocery store with his girlfriend when he, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, decided to stuff a handgun down the front of his pants. While this may seem like a macho move, it also comes with a number of potential dangers. Not the least of which is that you might shoot yourself in the penis in the process. Which is exactly what happened. OUCH. He’s undergoing treatment.
Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Barnsley, England, where bozo John Mason was pulled over by the cops for running a red light. Now, here’s where things begin to get strange. Our bozo was not driving a car when the cops stopped him. He was driving a horse-drawn carriage. And that directly led to his coming up with the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops it was all the horse’s fault. He explained that he ran the red light because the horse is colorblind and couldn’t tell the difference. The cops weren’t buying that one. He was fined $82 for DUI. The horse was not charged.
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dan Losada for sending in today’s report from the International File in Sweden. It seems bozo Richard Handi was rather ambitious. He was trying to build a nuclear reactor in his kitchen. Right there on his stove. His big plans came crashing down when he sent an email to the Swedish police asking whether it was legal or not. Police came by and discovered he was in possession of some radioactive materials, but was a long way from splitting the atom. He’s under arrest and, to quote our bozo, "My project is canceled."
Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Howard Rost who reminds us that there are some long-ago traditions that don’t need to be brought back. From Jamestown, New York, comes the story of bozo Kenneth Haines who decided that it might be fun to try to revive the fad of streaking nude through public places. So he stripped down and ran through a park? Nope. Maybe across nice liberal college campus? No way. At a sporting event? Nah. How about at a National Guard Armory? Of course. The soldiers were not amused and called the cops. He’s busted!