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Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where police officers attempted to pull over bozo Kenneth Sipes after noticing his pickup had a headlight out. Instead of pulling over, our bozo sped up, running a red light and leading the cops on a long chase until he truck finally ran out of gas. It was the reason he gave to the cops for fleeing that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the police that he had just purchased some crack cocaine and wanted to smoke it in his vehicle before going to jail. Oops. In addition to fleeing the cops, he’s been charged with drug possession and violating his felony drug probation from a previous case.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coos Bay, Oregon, where our unidentified bozo carjacked a vehicle, kicked the driver out of the car and sped away. He didn’t speed very far before noticing that the previous driver had the car running on fumes. So, our bozo pulled into a gas station to fill ‘er up. Unfortunately for him, police looking for the stolen car happened to drive by at the same time. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Adding Insult to Injury Department. From the International File in Montmelian, France, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who spent the night with his head stuck in a sewer, with only his feet sticking out. When police found him the next morning he told them he had dropped his wallet into the muck and was trying to retrieve it when his head became stuck. Upon further investigation, police discovered that he had been siphoning waste oil into the sewer at the time he got stuck, which is an offense in France. He’s gone from the sewer to the jail, facing two years in prison and a $97,000 fine.

Bozo criminals for today come from Santa Clarita, California, where our bozo trio stole beer from a convenience store. A half-hour later, after having consumed the beer, they returned to the store. Not to get more beer, but to cover their tracks. They threatened the clerk with a knife and demanded that the he hand over the surveillance video. The clerk refused, a scuffle ensued and our bozos fled empty-handed. Cops were quickly able to track them down, and thanks to their ill-conceived return, they were able to up their charges from misdemeanor theft to to assault with a deadly weapon.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in London, England, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a bank and demanded a large amount of money. In one hand he had a gun and in the other a bag for the cash. Apparently getting mixed up, he passed the gun to the cashier instead of the bag. He quickly realized his mistake, grabbed the gun and fled without any money. But not before security cameras got a good picture of him. Police expect to make an arrest soon.

Most of our bozos are usually trying to find a way to stay out of jail. Our bozo for today has asked to be returned to the clink. From Enna, Italy, comes the story of bozo David Catalano, who, after spending some time in jail, was sent to a halfway house to serve out the rest of his term. Which might have been fine except that the halfway house was run by very strict Capuchin monks who put up with no shenanigans from their "guests." Finally our bozo had all he could take and ran away from the place. He was quickly captured by the cops and that’s when he put in his request to return to prison, saying "prison’s better" than the halfway house. He got his wish. He’s back in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Jay for sending in today’s report from Lakeland, Florida. It seems bozo Clifford Edwards was using a new "shake ‘n bake" method of preparing methamphetamine, which involves placing all the necessary ingredients in a bottle and shaking them up to make the dangerous drug. This in itself is a bad idea, but it was where and when our bozo chose to prepare it that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He attempted to make it while driving down the road. As you might imagine, the results were not good. The old glass liquor bottle he was using exploded, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. Unfortunately one of those shards hit him in the neck, causing him to crash his car. Services are pending.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Richey, Florida, where bozo John Ware ordered himself a beer in the Hayloft Bar and then disappeared for about 30 minutes. When he returned, he sat back down and finished his drink. It was where he went during his break from the bar that got him into trouble. Police say our bozo walked over to a nearby Wells Fargo bank and robbed it before rejoining his friends at the bar. Guess he didn’t think anyone at the bank would notice him heading back to the watering hole. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today was obviously flush with Christmas cash and was looking for a place to spend it. So, Bozo Michael Fine headed to the Walmart in Lexington, North Carolina and purchased a vacuum cleaner, a microwave oven and a few other items. It was when he handed the clerk his cash that his problems began. He tried to pay for his stuff with a million-dollar bill. Even though he assured the clerk the bill was the real deal, she still called the cops. He’s in jail on charges of attempting to obtain property by false pretense and passing forged currency. By the way, the largest bill currently in circulation is the $100.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Obviously what qualifies as a criminal in China is quite different from what qualifies in the good ol’ USA, but bozos are the same around the world. From the International File in Beijing, China, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who wanted to do something special for his son’s wedding. He first considered hiring a band, but then he thought of something he thought his son would like much better. A couple of strippers. We don’t know if the son ever got to enjoy the show because less than five minutes after the performance began, hundreds of villagers in the conservative community showed up to take in the show. Police were called and the father was placed under arrest, although it is unclear exactly what the charges were.

Bozo criminals for today from Manitowoc, Wisconsin learned that while "planking" may be a popular fad, you have to be careful where you do it. A pair of bozo brothers decided to take a picture of themselves "planking"-lying face down on a surface with a plank-like posture-on a police car and also at a county monument to fallen law enforcement officers. Bad idea. They then posted the pictures on Facebook. Even worse idea. The cops discovered the pictures and charged our bozos with disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminal for today from Ogden, Utah, comes from the "What’s sauce for the Goose" file. Bozos Korin Vance and Eldon Adams where cited by the police after being caught shoplifting in a grocery store. They were then released and were headed to their car when they discovered it had been broken into. Our bozos then hailed down the same officer who had just charged them with theft to report that someone had stolen a stereo amplifier, drum machine and other items from their car while it was parked in front of the store. And this goes to show why you should always keep a getaway driver in the car.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Bob Hammond for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Police were called to a local Toys R Us store after receiving reports of a man there attempting to assault customers with a Star Wars Light Saber. Police tried to arrest the would-be Darth Vader but he kept swinging his light saber at them. He was even able to avoid being tased by knocking one of the wires away with his saber. Finally the officers were able to wrestle him to the ground and take his weapon. He’s under arrest. None of the victims of the light saber attack needed medical attention.

The Bozo Criminal Report can foresee a day in the not so distant future when Santa Claus may have to issue a disclaimer, "Don’t try this at home." From Stockton, California comes the story of a teen bozo who did nothing criminal but his poor imitation of Santa certainly landed him in the bozo file. It seems 18-year-old George Haynes had stayed out past his curfew and, finding the house locked tight, decided to try the Santa approach. It looks so easy when Santa does it, but our teen quickly found himself stuck inside the chimney. It took emergency crews about 90 minutes to free him, which was done by tying ropes around his wrists and pulling him up about 8 feet with the help of the firetruck ladder. He was uninjured and released to the custody of his parents.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randy Shereda for sending in today’s report from Madison, Wisconsin. Two unidentified bozos stole DVDs and computer games from a local Target store and fled in their getaway vehicle. Unfortunately when one of them sat down in the car he accidentally butt-dialed 911. The dispatcher listened in for nearly an hour, overhearing their discussion of what they had stolen, where they were going to sell it and even a description of their car. Armed with this information, the cops were waiting with their guns drawn when our bozos pulled into the parking lot to sell the stuff.

Bozo criminal for today from Beaver, Pennsylvania, violated Bozo Rule Number 00034: Know when to keep your mouth shut. Bozo Davon Jones was on trial for possession of marijuana when his defense attorney offered up the argument that the pot the police found in his car did not belong to our bozo. That defense was shot down immediately when the officer told the attorney that the only thing our bozo said upon being arrested was, "Can I have my weed back?" Case closed.

Bozo criminal for today from Tulsa, Oklahoma was arrested by the cops on charges of attempting to manufacture methamphetamine. While this in itself is a serious charge, it was where she was trying to make it that makes her truly bozo-worthy. In her neighborhood Wal-Mart. Police say bozo Alisha Harris had been in the store for more than six hours gathering up materials to manufacture the stuff. Then she set up in the back of the store and started to combine chemicals. She had just finished mixing a bottle of sulfuric acid with starter fluid when she was placed under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today from Brookville, Pennsylvania, needed some time off from work. And since he didn’t have any vacation days coming, he hatched what he thought was the perfect bozo scheme. He published the obituary for his own mother in the local newspaper, hoping to get paid bereavement time from his employer. The plan might have worked except for one thing. His mother. He failed to tell her of his plan and she paid a visit to the newspaper to prove to them that she was still alive and kicking. Oops. Our bozo has been charged with disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminals for today aren’t really criminals, but they have been reprimanded nevertheless. From Kingston, New York, comes the story of two children, ages 4 and 6 who put their list together for Santa Claus. Since their mom wasn’t planning to visit the mall any time soon, they did the logical thing. They called Santa to tell him what they wanted. And not knowing his actual number, they called 911 instead, and asked to speak to either the police chief or Santa Claus. Santa was out, but the chief was in. Officers showed up at the house to instruct the kids and their parents on the proper use of emergency services. We hope that Santa will consider the kids good intentions and not place them on the "naughty" list.