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It’s hard to find a criminal in our story for today, but it makes for an interesting tale nonetheless. Police in Panama City, Florida, were called to a residence after a rather unusual 911 call. When they arrived, the discovered that the 15-year-old girl there had called the police because her mom was making too much noise… while having sex. She initially demanded to be placed in protective custody because she said her noisy mom made her "feel disrespected." Mom apologized. The boyfriend left. And the girl decided she didn’t want to leave home because it "was almost time for school."

If there is one thing we’ve learned over the years following the adventures of our bozos, it’s that they don’t always do the expected. Such was the case for our bozo for today from Flagstaff, Arizona. Bozo Martin Bailey was arrested last week on trespassing charges and was scheduled for release on his own recognizance on Monday. When the officers showed up to escort him from his cell, our bozo decided that maybe he didn’t want to leave. He said he couldn’t go because he couldn’t find his wallet and then he began fighting with the officers. Don’t know if he ever found the wallet, but he got his wish. He’s still in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Lynn, Massachusetts, where bozo Tina Carroll used a stolen welfare benefits card to purchase $64 worth of soft drinks. But it wasn’t her thirst that drove her to make such a purchase. It was her desire to cash in the aluminum cans for recycling. And since the supermarket had an automated recycling machine on premises, what could go wrong? A lot, if you’re a bozo. She loaded the full drink cans into the machine without bothering to empty them. As you can imagine, the carbonated beverages made quite a mess when the machine tried to process them, drawing the attention of store security personnel. She’s under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Boyle for sending in today’s report from Topeka, Kansas. Apparently bozo Jesse Daws was a fugitive on the run from the cops on a murder charge when he burst into a home and held the family hostage at knifepoint. He demanded that they hide him from the cops, even offering to give them some cash if they did so. He then proceeded to fall asleep, giving the family the opportunity to call the cops, which they did. Our bozo was arrested and the story would end here, except for what he did next, which assured his place in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He filed a lawsuit against the family, claiming breach of contract for turning him in. He claimed they had a legally binding oral contract when they agreed to accept money from him in exchange for hiding him. The judge didn’t agree. Case closed.

Bozo criminal for today violated not one, but two bozo rules. First, our bozo from the International File in Mexico City, Mexico forgot Bozo Rule Number 337766: A skateboard is not a good getaway vehicle. Police say bozo Sergio Lara rode his skateboard to a bank, walked up to the teller and asked for cash. It was then that he violated Bozo Rule Number 669876: Speak up when making your demands. The teller said he whispered his request for money and spoke so low that she couldn’t hear him. When she ignored him, he simply climbed back on his skateboard and skated to another bank nearby. The teller at the second bank said he whispered his demands to her as well, but loudly enough that she knew what he wanted. She was able to set off a silent alarm and was still in the process of getting his money when the cops arrived. He’s under arrest.

Our bozo for today from San Francisco, California, comes from the Bozo Lonely Hearts Club. Our unidentified bozo apparently had become infatuated with a female police officer on patrol in his neighborhood. While the officer was parked,he walked up and attempted to strike up a conversation. Our persistent bozo asked the officer if she was married or available and, on a hunch, the officer asked for the man’s name, which he happily provided. After he became discouraged and walked away, she ran a records check and, sure enough, he was a wanted man, with a no-bail warrant outstanding. Oops. Romeo is now under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clarks Summit, Pennsylvania, where bozo Jason Barnes was expecting a drug delivery on Monday. The drugs were supposed to be mailed to his post office box and when he showed up to pick them up, he was dismayed to find that the post office was closed for the Martin Luther King, Jr. holiday. Since he was already there anyway, our bozo decided to grab whatever he could find, breaking into the inside of the post office and grabbing a U.S. Postal Service hat and jacket, pieces of mail, a scale and a coin operated machine. He didn’t get very far, however, before he was pulled over for driving erratically. And since he was wearing the Postal Service cap, the cop suspected something was up. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Richard Boyle for sending in today’s report from the International File in Sao Paulo, Brazil. Our bozo, Mario Sergo Freudenthal has a rather unusual name, which wouldn’t have caused a problem except for his chosen profession and how he decided to use that name. You see, our bozo is a drug dealer, and, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he insisted on tattooing his name on all his customers. As his clients were arrested by the cops, they noticed his name kept showing up in ink on their bodies. After a little questioning, they learned he was their drug dealer. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Muncie, Indiana where bozo Milton Barnes was being held in police custody at a hospital on domestic battery charges. Our bozo seized an opportunity to escape but apparently didn’t take the weather conditions into consideration. It was well below freezing outside, with snow on the ground, and our bozo was clad only in an open backed hospital gown. And to make things worse, he was barefooted. It was the lack of footwear that made things easy for the cops. All they had to do was follow the bare foot prints in the snow. He’s back under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Gainesville, Florida, where police officers attempted to pull over bozo Kenneth Sipes after noticing his pickup had a headlight out. Instead of pulling over, our bozo sped up, running a red light and leading the cops on a long chase until he truck finally ran out of gas. It was the reason he gave to the cops for fleeing that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He told the police that he had just purchased some crack cocaine and wanted to smoke it in his vehicle before going to jail. Oops. In addition to fleeing the cops, he’s been charged with drug possession and violating his felony drug probation from a previous case.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Coos Bay, Oregon, where our unidentified bozo carjacked a vehicle, kicked the driver out of the car and sped away. He didn’t speed very far before noticing that the previous driver had the car running on fumes. So, our bozo pulled into a gas station to fill ‘er up. Unfortunately for him, police looking for the stolen car happened to drive by at the same time. Oops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from our Adding Insult to Injury Department. From the International File in Montmelian, France, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who spent the night with his head stuck in a sewer, with only his feet sticking out. When police found him the next morning he told them he had dropped his wallet into the muck and was trying to retrieve it when his head became stuck. Upon further investigation, police discovered that he had been siphoning waste oil into the sewer at the time he got stuck, which is an offense in France. He’s gone from the sewer to the jail, facing two years in prison and a $97,000 fine.

Bozo criminals for today come from Santa Clarita, California, where our bozo trio stole beer from a convenience store. A half-hour later, after having consumed the beer, they returned to the store. Not to get more beer, but to cover their tracks. They threatened the clerk with a knife and demanded that the he hand over the surveillance video. The clerk refused, a scuffle ensued and our bozos fled empty-handed. Cops were quickly able to track them down, and thanks to their ill-conceived return, they were able to up their charges from misdemeanor theft to to assault with a deadly weapon.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report. From the International File in London, England, comes the story of an unidentified bozo who walked into a bank and demanded a large amount of money. In one hand he had a gun and in the other a bag for the cash. Apparently getting mixed up, he passed the gun to the cashier instead of the bag. He quickly realized his mistake, grabbed the gun and fled without any money. But not before security cameras got a good picture of him. Police expect to make an arrest soon.

Most of our bozos are usually trying to find a way to stay out of jail. Our bozo for today has asked to be returned to the clink. From Enna, Italy, comes the story of bozo David Catalano, who, after spending some time in jail, was sent to a halfway house to serve out the rest of his term. Which might have been fine except that the halfway house was run by very strict Capuchin monks who put up with no shenanigans from their "guests." Finally our bozo had all he could take and ran away from the place. He was quickly captured by the cops and that’s when he put in his request to return to prison, saying "prison’s better" than the halfway house. He got his wish. He’s back in jail.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Gregory Jay for sending in today’s report from Lakeland, Florida. It seems bozo Clifford Edwards was using a new "shake ‘n bake" method of preparing methamphetamine, which involves placing all the necessary ingredients in a bottle and shaking them up to make the dangerous drug. This in itself is a bad idea, but it was where and when our bozo chose to prepare it that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He attempted to make it while driving down the road. As you might imagine, the results were not good. The old glass liquor bottle he was using exploded, sending shards of glass flying everywhere. Unfortunately one of those shards hit him in the neck, causing him to crash his car. Services are pending.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Port Richey, Florida, where bozo John Ware ordered himself a beer in the Hayloft Bar and then disappeared for about 30 minutes. When he returned, he sat back down and finished his drink. It was where he went during his break from the bar that got him into trouble. Police say our bozo walked over to a nearby Wells Fargo bank and robbed it before rejoining his friends at the bar. Guess he didn’t think anyone at the bank would notice him heading back to the watering hole. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today was obviously flush with Christmas cash and was looking for a place to spend it. So, Bozo Michael Fine headed to the Walmart in Lexington, North Carolina and purchased a vacuum cleaner, a microwave oven and a few other items. It was when he handed the clerk his cash that his problems began. He tried to pay for his stuff with a million-dollar bill. Even though he assured the clerk the bill was the real deal, she still called the cops. He’s in jail on charges of attempting to obtain property by false pretense and passing forged currency. By the way, the largest bill currently in circulation is the $100.

Merry Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Obviously what qualifies as a criminal in China is quite different from what qualifies in the good ol’ USA, but bozos are the same around the world. From the International File in Beijing, China, comes the story of our unidentified bozo who wanted to do something special for his son’s wedding. He first considered hiring a band, but then he thought of something he thought his son would like much better. A couple of strippers. We don’t know if the son ever got to enjoy the show because less than five minutes after the performance began, hundreds of villagers in the conservative community showed up to take in the show. Police were called and the father was placed under arrest, although it is unclear exactly what the charges were.