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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Barbara Goldstein for sending in today’s report from the International File in Launceston, Tasmania. It seems bozo Christopher Stone wanted some chicken schnitzel. Really wanted some chicken schnitzel. However, he was a little short of funds. So, he did what any bozo would do, he stuffed the schnitzel in question down his pants, threatened the cashier at the supermarket with a gun and walked to his car. One thing he didn’t plan on, however, was how difficult it would be to drive with a large schnitzel in his pants. Police officers say he was attempting to adjust the schnitzel when he lost control of his vehicle and rolled the car. He’s busted!

We’re not quite sure what our bozo for today was thinking…but that’s not really that unusual. From Newton Township, Pennsylvania comes the story of our unidentified bozo pervert who exposed himself to a woman. But it would seem that he didn’t really want her to see what he was showing. The place out bozo chose for his crime was the Bucks County Association for the Blind. Police are still looking for the suspect.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Albuquerque, New Mexico, where bozo Joseph Wilkins spotted a stereo in a parked car that he just had to have. Seeing no one anywhere around, he broke in but quickly found it was going to be more difficult than he thought. After struggling to remove the stereo he found it was locked into the dash and the only thing he could pry loose was the faceplate, which he took with him. It was what he left behind that caused all the problems. Apparently while wrestling with the stereo, his wallet slipped out of his pocket. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mountain View, California, where an unidentified bozo spotted a woman walking her dog. He rushed up to her and attempted go grab, not her purse, but the plastic bag she was carrying. A plastic bag containing the dog’s poop which she had picked up while on the walk. And to add injury to insult, the dog grabbed the man’s pants leg as he tried to flee. Quickly seeing the error of his ways, our bozo fled empty handed. Police have not yet captured our bozo and haven’t yet determined what the penalty for poop theft is.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Dave Benoit for sending in today’s report from Boston, Massachusetts. It seems bozo Edwin Durant was in the local Toyota dealership checking out cars on the showroom floor when he started one up. And instead of shutting it off immediately, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he revved it, causing it to crash into another car and a sales desk. Remarkably, no one was injured, but the police were called after our bozo tried to flee. It was when the cops arrived that he offered up his strange story. He said he was at the dealership to replace his old car, which he had crashed during a police chase last month. He’s been charged with larceny of a motor vehicle, malicious destruction of property, assault with a dangerous weapon and disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bremerton, Washington, where homeowners were awakened around 3 am by the sound of our bozo burglar rummaging around in their home. The homeowner grabbed his gun and chased him away, but not before our bozo grabbed a few items on his way out. Later that afternoon, the homeowners received a phone call from none other than our bozo thief, who was offering a little trade. He said he would return the items he had stolen in exchange for a bag he had left behind, which contained papers bearing his name. The homeowners, said, “Sure, come on over.” Which he did, only to find a police officer waiting for him. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Okmulgee, Oklahoma, where David Wilcox was pulled over by the cops for speeding. While writing the ticket, the officer noticed an unusual chemical smell and asked our bozo to step out of the vehicle. Instead, Wilcox made a run for it, but his ability to flee was severely hampered by what was inside his pants. Somehow, he had concealed a “shake and bake” meth lab in his trousers. And when the officer caught up with him, the bottle burst, spilling the dangerous chemicals all over our bozos private parts. Fortunately for him, it did not explode or catch fire. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bonner County, Idaho, where bozo John Cooke has been charged with assaulting his dancing buddy. While we don’t have confirmation of this, we can only assume alcohol was involved when our bozo pointed a rifle at his friend and demanded he perform Michael Jackson’s “Moonwalk” dance. His friend didn’t see the humor in the request and called the cops. He’s been charged with felony assault. No word if he referred to him as a “varmint” when making the request.

Our bozo for today from Brockton, Massachusetts did something that all of us have probably at least thought about. An unidentified bozo drove up to a gas station and gave the attendant $25 for gas. After discovering that, at $4.13 a gallon, he had received only 6 gallons of gas, our bozo became very upset. So upset, in fact, that he called 911 to complain. Bad idea. The cops showed up and explained to him that $4.13 was indeed the correct price for the gas, and while the price might be excessive, it wasn’t worthy of calling 911. Perhaps sympathizing with him a bit, the officers let him off with just a stern warning. Maybe it’s the gas companies that should be receiving a warning.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Constanta, Romania. A police officer couldn’t believe his eyes when he saw a woman riding on a motorcycle totally nude. And we do mean totally. She wasn’t wearing a stitch. So, the officer did the obvious thing. He pulled her over and wrote her a ticket…for failure to wear a helmet. She donned a helmet and the officer sent her on her way, still wearing only what God gave her.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Chicago, Illinois, where police were on the trail of a stolen vehicle. The cops spotted the Pontiac minivan after it ran a stop sign and gave chase. It was during the chase that our bozo came up with his plan for escape. He abandoned the vehicle in a vacant lot and ran to his home nearby. He then jumped through the open front window and ran to his bedroom where he pretended to be asleep. All of this might have been OK except for the fact that he did it all in full view of the cops. He’s under arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bay City, Michigan, where cops were investigating a robbery at a local convenience store. While they were there, a cell phone began ringing, and an alert officer picked it up off the floor. Noticing the caller ID that said “Baby’s Momma”, the officer played a hunch and answered it. Sure enough, it was our bozo’s baby’s momma, who gave his real name to the cops. Oops. After a little more research, it was discovered that he was also wanted for a 2011 home burglary. He’s under arrest.

Our bozo for today proves once again that Bozos and Modern Technology are a dangerous combination. From Jenkins, Kentucky, comes the story of bozo Michael Brown who had his girlfriend snap a picture of him and post it on his Facebook page. Nothing unusual there. It was what our bozo was doing in the picture that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He was siphoning gas from a police car while saluting the camera with his middle finger. He’s under arrest. And the cops in Jenkins plan to install locking gas caps.

Bozo criminal for today violated Bozo Rule Number 87454: If you’re going to steal something, at least make sure it’s worth stealing. From Seattle, Washington, comes the story of bozo Scott Sanders who broke into a school. Once inside, our bozo quickly found what he was looking for and left. The cops were summoned by a silent alarm and couldn’t help but notice our bozo walking down the street with his loot…an old manual typewriter. Something he could probably have picked up at any garage sale for a buck. Despite its lack of value, our bozo was charged with burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Hesperia, California, where bozo Ricardo Gomez thought he had come up with a great plan to defraud his insurance company. He would hide his car behind a relative’s home and then report the car as stolen, thereby collecting the insurance settlement for the vehicle. Which might have worked, except for the fact that our bozo’s car was equipped with a LoJack system which notified the authorities of the vehicle’s exact location. Oops. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes rom St. Lucie, Florida, where bozo Melissa Mayes heard the call of nature and pulled her car over to the side of the road. She was pooping beside the car when a police officer drove by. Oops. And when he decided to run a quick check on the license plate, he found the vehicle was stolen. Double oops. She’s been charged with indecent exposure, driving without a license, and felony car theft. And did we mention that there was a rest stop only six miles down the road?

Bozo criminal for today comes from Manatee, Florida, where bozo Roger Cain had only been out of jail for about a month when he walked into a convenience store and began shoplifting items. As he was stuffing the items into his pockets, he noticed a clerk watching him. He spun around and said “Why are you watching me?” It was the next thing he did that landed him in the Bozo Hall of Fame. He reached into his pocket and pulled out…his hand, and made a pointing gun motion with it in the direction of the clerk. Unfortunately for him a deputy walked into the store at just about the same time. He’s been charged with attempted robbery.

Bozo criminals for today come from San Antonio, Texas. Our bozos thought they were completely prepared for their convenience store heist. Masks to cover their faces, check. Weapons drawn, check. Rehearse their speech demanding cash, check. Make sure you’re familiar with how to operate a weapon, um…no. As one of our bozos gestured with his gun, it accidentally went off, frightening both our bozos who immediately turned tail and ran. There were no injuries and the police hope to make an arrest soon.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Springfield, Massachusetts, where police Officer Matthew Lane walked into a convenience store and purchased a bag of chips and a pack of chewing gum. When the officer placed the gum on the counter, he turned to talk to his partner and that’s when bozo Denie Allen sprang into action. Our bozo grabbed the pack of gum and attempted to walk out the door with it. Not surprisingly, he didn’t make it. And it was even less of a surprise that he was found to be in possession of illegal drugs. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Xenia, Ohio, where bozo Hanson Parker walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a 59-cent Black and Mild Cigar. The clerk responded that to purchase the cigar, he would have to show an ID to prove he was of age. Our bozo complied, and, after getting his smoke, pulled out a handgun and demanded money from the register. He got away with $72, but didn’t get very far, thanks to the information on his ID, which the clerk gave to the cops.