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Bozo criminal for today comes from Troy, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a vehicle that had hit a telephone pole. When the police arrived, they found blue car parts scattered around but no sign of the vehicle. Continuing their search, they found a car with extensive front end damage parked in a ditch with an empty beer can in the console and footprints leading to a nearby house. The plot thickens…After discovering the wrecked car was registered to the address of the residence, the cops decided to knock on the door. Our bozo answered, with bloodshot eyes and smelling of alcohol. Nope, he said, haven’t been out, been home all night. And is there anyone else at home? Nope. Can you explain the footprints leading from the car to your house? Well, let me get back to you on that. Busted! Charged with Operating While Intoxicated 3rd Offense, Driving While License Suspended, Leaving the Scene of an Accident and Failure to Report an Accident.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Henry County, Virginia, where officers were investigating a domestic assault case. Our bozo was placed under arrest and as he was being read his rights, he made a run for it, jumping a fence and running into a nearby field. And that’s when our animal helper sprang into action. A billy goat gave chase and followed the man into a nearby wooded area. Perhaps deciding he’d rather face the cops than the goat, our bozo reappeared and surrendered to the cops. He’s in custody and the goat has returned to doing what goats do.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Southfield, Michigan, where a patrol officer spotted a stolen vehicle and attempted to pull it over, only to have our bozo speed away. The cop used a PIT maneuver and forced the car to the side of the road. It was then that our bozo made a maneuver of his own. He jumped out and appeared to flee. However, when the officer gave chase, he U-turned and jumped into the still idling police cruiser and drove away. As you might expect, this didn’t end well. A second officer corralled our bozo and after he physically resisted arrest, he was eventually taken into custody. Charges are pending.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Monroe, Louisiana, where the cops were called to an apartment complex on a report of a man “pulling on car handles.” Upon arrival, they found our bozo going from car to car, apparently trying to find one that was unlocked. He was finally able to get into a 1994 Chevrolet truck and was immediately confronted by the police. He then offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He said he was “sleepwalking.” He was unable to explain how he had “sleepwalked” the three miles from his residence to the apartment complex. He’s busted! Charged with felony burglary.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Naples, Florida where the cops were called to a report of a rather unusual disturbance…a man claiming to be Mick Jagger. Apparently bozo Eugene Brown, 59, jumped on stage at a restaurant where a live performance was going on and declared himself to be the Rolling Stones lead singer. He became belligerent when the patrons didn’t appreciate his performance and had left by the time the cops arrived. They found him in a nearby park where he charged an officer before falling to the ground in a “drunk unstable state.” He capped off the evening by throwing up in the back of the police car. Busted! Charged with battery on a law enforcement officer, a felony, and disorderly intoxication, a misdemeanor.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee. We can only try to follow our bozo’s thought process here. A. Make plans to break into houses in the neighborhood. B. Many of them have doorbell cameras, so a disguise is important. C. There’s a blue dinosaur suit that I’ve always liked the look of… And that’s about how it went. Our bozo was recorded on doorbell cam lumbering up to the front of the house in a blue dinosaur onesie that he failed to zip up all the way to the top, leaving a clear shot of his face. He’s seen waving at the camera before jiggling the door handle. After finding it locked, he’s seen walking away, his big blue tail wagging behind him. Police hope to make an arrest of Barney’s bad brother soon.

Bozo criminals for today from Auburn, Maine, violated Bozo Rule number 2223231: It’s never a good idea to bring counterfeit money to the police station. It seems our bozos headed down to the Androscoggin County Jail with plans to bail out a friend. When they presented the cash to jail officials it was obvious that it was counterfeit. Oops. This lead to a search of their vehicle, which turned up 112 grams of crack cocaine, 165 grams of cocaine, nearly 300 grams of fentanyl, 492 grams of meth and SCCY 9mm pistol. Double oopsies. Busted! Charged four counts of Aggravated Trafficking Schedule with drugs (Class A) and Violation of Conditional Release (Class E). And their friend? He’s still in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where bozo Brandon Carver was pulled over for a traffic violation. After the cops noticed him acting erratically, a search of his person uncovered a baggie of methamphetamine in the pocket of his sweatpants. Thinking quickly, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the pants he was wearing did not belong to him. Under extensive questioning, he revealed the alleged owner of the pants. A quick investigation determined the pants owner was “only 4 feet, 1 inch tall.” Our bozo is 5’11”. Don’t think so. Busted! Charged with possession of felony narcotics. And it wasn’t his first rodeo either. He’s previously been charged with fraud; burglary; receiving stolen property; disorderly conduct; assault; DWI; theft; narcotics possession; check forgery; domestic assault; and driving with a revoked license.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Vero Beach, Florida. Police responding to a report of a suspicious person found bozo Eric Adams on the street “visibly intoxicated on an unknown substance.” When asked to empty his pockets, our bozo pulled out a baggie containing a substance that was identified as fentanyl. He then pulled out another plastic baggie containing hypodermic needles. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the used the hypodermic needles “for fishing.” OK…After failing to explain exactly how the needles could be used to catch a fish he was arrested on a felony narcotics charge and booked into jail.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Manotick, Ontario, Canada, where our bozo took advantage of the cold conditions to take her car for a spin on a frozen river. Several videos show her speeding on the frozen surface, sending plumes of snow and ice into the air. All good things must come to an end and so it was for our bozo. She finally hit a spot of thin ice and the car began to slowly sink into the cold water of the river. Now, most people would frantically try to get out of the car and onto dry land. But not our bozo. Instead she climbed onto the back of the car and took several selfies of herself as the vehicle slowly sank. She was eventually pulled to dry land by bystanders who threw her a flotation device. Not a happy outcome for her car, however. And her fun was diminished somewhat when the cops charged her with dangerous operation of a motor vehicle, a charge which could carry a license suspension if convicted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Pleasant, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo brandished a gun at the Right Way Auto dealership. He obtained the keys to a vehicle on the lot and fled the scene. Pretty smooth crime, right? Wrong. You see, our bozo drove his own car to the dealership and left it there when he fled in his new ride. Cops used license and registration information, along with a description from Right Way employees, to track down and arrest our bozo. And that weapon he used? It was a BB gun. He remains in custody in the Isabella County Jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee, where bozo Robert Green broke into a residence, taking a TV, a gun and a Les Paul custom guitar. That’s what he got away with. It’s what he left behind that got him in trouble. Apparently he had a notebook that contained a list of other places he planned to target. And did we mention that he had borrowed that notebook from his daughter, who had written her address inside? Oops. He’s busted! Charged with felony burglary and theft charges.

Bozo criminals for today come from Clearwater, Florida, where 29-year old bozo Sarah Fleming and 27-year-old bozo Kaitlin O’Shea apparently had some kind of beef with a man who lived nearby. Police said just before 3 a.m. the two showed up at the man’s apartment and an argument ensued. And then things got weird. According to the victim, one of the women threw a container of glitter at him, hitting him in the head and upper body. Then one of our bozos jumped the patio fence and entered the apartment. She then unleashed another salvo of glitter, again hitting our sparkly victim. She went to the front door and let her accomplice inside. The two women then teamed up to unleash another barrage of glitter in the man’s direction before leaving the apartment complex and fleeing in their vehicle. Cops were called and were able to track the car to a nearby apartment complex where they found glitter inside the vehicle. They then spotted bozo Sarah walking around, with a significant amount of glitter on her person. She was placed under arrest along with her accomplice, charged with criminal mischief, a misdemeanor, for allegedly kicking out the apartment window.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Birmingham, England, where bozo Clint Barker was on the run from the cops after making a daring escape from prison. His trail had gone cold when cops in Birmingham city center noticed a couple of guys immediately change direction when they saw the police. The cops gave chase and when they caught up with the two, they asked what they were doing out when there were Covid-19 restrictions. That’s when our bozo replied that he just had to get out and pick up the new Call of Duty game. He then kicked the cop in the groin and attempted to flee but was quickly apprehended. Busted and identified as an escaped con. He’s been jailed for 13 months for absconding from prison, and six months consecutively for assaulting the officers – on top of his original sentence, which would have seen him behind bars until 2024.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenwood, South Carolina, where the cops were called to a report of shots fired at an assisted living center. Upon arrival, they found no one injured but there was a fire inside one of the residential units. The resident was found inside, passed out due to smoke inhalation. He was taken to a hospital, treated and released. Now to put together exactly what happened. Apparently our bozo had some ammunition which he decided to store inside his toaster oven. It would seem that the oven was turned on, the ammunition went off and caused the fire. No charges were filed and the resident was told to find a more secure place to store his ammo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Corbin, Kentucky, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, bozo Crystal Harper told the cops that her cousin had come over to her house, an argument ensued and she stabbed him with a kitchen knife. And the reason for his visit to her house? It seems she had borrowed a sex toy from him and he wanted it back. Yeah, doesn’t everyone want a slightly used sex toy? She’s been charged with felony assault, as well as menacing, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. No word on who was awarded custody of the sex toy.

With the holidays behind us, we now have a couple of bozos who found themselves all dressed up with no place to go. From Alabama comes bozo number one, a six foot three man in an elf suit who was arrested on Christmas Eve and charged with assault. Not sure if he was the Elf from A Christmas Story, but it’s definitely a possibility. And on Christmas Day, bozo number two, a man in a Santa Claus suit who was busted for drunk driving. HO HO HO indeed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, Delaware, where bozo Robert Ware walked into a bank and presented the teller with note saying, “This is a robbery. I need $150.” The employee complied with his request and he headed out the front door. Pretty standard robbery so far, but then it got weird. Instead of fleeing, our bozo stopped at the ATM in front of the building and deposited the loot into his account. He then headed on foot to a nearby shopping center where he was promptly arrested. Oh, and then he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops his mind was currently being controlled by a third party via an implant somewhere in his body. Well, OK then. He’s under arrest on a felony robbery account.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where bozo Patrick Fleming was pulled over at 4 AM for driving without headlights or tail lights. He was placed under arrest for DUI and marijuana possession charges. Strike one. A search of the vehicle turned up a handgun under the seat. And since he had several felony charges against him previously, it was illegal for him to carry a gun. Strike two, felony weapons charges. A search of his person followed and that’s when things really get interesting. They found two plastic baggies, one with cocaine powder and cocaine base, and one with crystal methamphetamine, wrapped around his penis. Strike three. And he further added to his problems by telling the cops that the drugs wrapped around his penis did not belong to him. Well, we don’t think Santa placed it there! Busted! Charged with possession of cocaine, meth, ammunition, and a firearm.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, where an officer noticed our bozo weaving in and out of traffic without using his turn signal. He was pulled over and a K-9 officer alerted to drugs in the vehicle. A quick search found 6.1 ounces of cocaine under the hood and $3000 in cash in the car. Busted! He’s currently being held without bond on a felony charge of cocaine trafficking.