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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in today’s report from Nashville, Tennessee. We can only try to follow our bozo’s thought process here. A. Make plans to break into houses in the neighborhood. B. Many of them have doorbell cameras, so a disguise is important. C. There’s a blue dinosaur suit that I’ve always liked the look of… And that’s about how it went. Our bozo was recorded on doorbell cam lumbering up to the front of the house in a blue dinosaur onesie that he failed to zip up all the way to the top, leaving a clear shot of his face. He’s seen waving at the camera before jiggling the door handle. After finding it locked, he’s seen walking away, his big blue tail wagging behind him. Police hope to make an arrest of Barney’s bad brother soon.

Bozo criminals for today from Auburn, Maine, violated Bozo Rule number 2223231: It’s never a good idea to bring counterfeit money to the police station. It seems our bozos headed down to the Androscoggin County Jail with plans to bail out a friend. When they presented the cash to jail officials it was obvious that it was counterfeit. Oops. This lead to a search of their vehicle, which turned up 112 grams of crack cocaine, 165 grams of cocaine, nearly 300 grams of fentanyl, 492 grams of meth and SCCY 9mm pistol. Double oopsies. Busted! Charged four counts of Aggravated Trafficking Schedule with drugs (Class A) and Violation of Conditional Release (Class E). And their friend? He’s still in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where bozo Brandon Carver was pulled over for a traffic violation. After the cops noticed him acting erratically, a search of his person uncovered a baggie of methamphetamine in the pocket of his sweatpants. Thinking quickly, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the pants he was wearing did not belong to him. Under extensive questioning, he revealed the alleged owner of the pants. A quick investigation determined the pants owner was “only 4 feet, 1 inch tall.” Our bozo is 5’11”. Don’t think so. Busted! Charged with possession of felony narcotics. And it wasn’t his first rodeo either. He’s previously been charged with fraud; burglary; receiving stolen property; disorderly conduct; assault; DWI; theft; narcotics possession; check forgery; domestic assault; and driving with a revoked license.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Vero Beach, Florida. Police responding to a report of a suspicious person found bozo Eric Adams on the street “visibly intoxicated on an unknown substance.” When asked to empty his pockets, our bozo pulled out a baggie containing a substance that was identified as fentanyl. He then pulled out another plastic baggie containing hypodermic needles. It was then that he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops the used the hypodermic needles “for fishing.” OK…After failing to explain exactly how the needles could be used to catch a fish he was arrested on a felony narcotics charge and booked into jail.

Our bozo for today comes from the International File in Manotick, Ontario, Canada, where our bozo took advantage of the cold conditions to take her car for a spin on a frozen river. Several videos show her speeding on the frozen surface, sending plumes of snow and ice into the air. All good things must come to an end and so it was for our bozo. She finally hit a spot of thin ice and the car began to slowly sink into the cold water of the river. Now, most people would frantically try to get out of the car and onto dry land. But not our bozo. Instead she climbed onto the back of the car and took several selfies of herself as the vehicle slowly sank. She was eventually pulled to dry land by bystanders who threw her a flotation device. Not a happy outcome for her car, however. And her fun was diminished somewhat when the cops charged her with dangerous operation of a motor vehicle, a charge which could carry a license suspension if convicted.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mount Pleasant, Michigan, where our unidentified bozo brandished a gun at the Right Way Auto dealership. He obtained the keys to a vehicle on the lot and fled the scene. Pretty smooth crime, right? Wrong. You see, our bozo drove his own car to the dealership and left it there when he fled in his new ride. Cops used license and registration information, along with a description from Right Way employees, to track down and arrest our bozo. And that weapon he used? It was a BB gun. He remains in custody in the Isabella County Jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tennessee, where bozo Robert Green broke into a residence, taking a TV, a gun and a Les Paul custom guitar. That’s what he got away with. It’s what he left behind that got him in trouble. Apparently he had a notebook that contained a list of other places he planned to target. And did we mention that he had borrowed that notebook from his daughter, who had written her address inside? Oops. He’s busted! Charged with felony burglary and theft charges.

Bozo criminals for today come from Clearwater, Florida, where 29-year old bozo Sarah Fleming and 27-year-old bozo Kaitlin O’Shea apparently had some kind of beef with a man who lived nearby. Police said just before 3 a.m. the two showed up at the man’s apartment and an argument ensued. And then things got weird. According to the victim, one of the women threw a container of glitter at him, hitting him in the head and upper body. Then one of our bozos jumped the patio fence and entered the apartment. She then unleashed another salvo of glitter, again hitting our sparkly victim. She went to the front door and let her accomplice inside. The two women then teamed up to unleash another barrage of glitter in the man’s direction before leaving the apartment complex and fleeing in their vehicle. Cops were called and were able to track the car to a nearby apartment complex where they found glitter inside the vehicle. They then spotted bozo Sarah walking around, with a significant amount of glitter on her person. She was placed under arrest along with her accomplice, charged with criminal mischief, a misdemeanor, for allegedly kicking out the apartment window.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Birmingham, England, where bozo Clint Barker was on the run from the cops after making a daring escape from prison. His trail had gone cold when cops in Birmingham city center noticed a couple of guys immediately change direction when they saw the police. The cops gave chase and when they caught up with the two, they asked what they were doing out when there were Covid-19 restrictions. That’s when our bozo replied that he just had to get out and pick up the new Call of Duty game. He then kicked the cop in the groin and attempted to flee but was quickly apprehended. Busted and identified as an escaped con. He’s been jailed for 13 months for absconding from prison, and six months consecutively for assaulting the officers – on top of his original sentence, which would have seen him behind bars until 2024.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Greenwood, South Carolina, where the cops were called to a report of shots fired at an assisted living center. Upon arrival, they found no one injured but there was a fire inside one of the residential units. The resident was found inside, passed out due to smoke inhalation. He was taken to a hospital, treated and released. Now to put together exactly what happened. Apparently our bozo had some ammunition which he decided to store inside his toaster oven. It would seem that the oven was turned on, the ammunition went off and caused the fire. No charges were filed and the resident was told to find a more secure place to store his ammo.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Corbin, Kentucky, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, bozo Crystal Harper told the cops that her cousin had come over to her house, an argument ensued and she stabbed him with a kitchen knife. And the reason for his visit to her house? It seems she had borrowed a sex toy from him and he wanted it back. Yeah, doesn’t everyone want a slightly used sex toy? She’s been charged with felony assault, as well as menacing, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. No word on who was awarded custody of the sex toy.

With the holidays behind us, we now have a couple of bozos who found themselves all dressed up with no place to go. From Alabama comes bozo number one, a six foot three man in an elf suit who was arrested on Christmas Eve and charged with assault. Not sure if he was the Elf from A Christmas Story, but it’s definitely a possibility. And on Christmas Day, bozo number two, a man in a Santa Claus suit who was busted for drunk driving. HO HO HO indeed.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wilmington, Delaware, where bozo Robert Ware walked into a bank and presented the teller with note saying, “This is a robbery. I need $150.” The employee complied with his request and he headed out the front door. Pretty standard robbery so far, but then it got weird. Instead of fleeing, our bozo stopped at the ATM in front of the building and deposited the loot into his account. He then headed on foot to a nearby shopping center where he was promptly arrested. Oh, and then he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. He told the cops his mind was currently being controlled by a third party via an implant somewhere in his body. Well, OK then. He’s under arrest on a felony robbery account.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where bozo Patrick Fleming was pulled over at 4 AM for driving without headlights or tail lights. He was placed under arrest for DUI and marijuana possession charges. Strike one. A search of the vehicle turned up a handgun under the seat. And since he had several felony charges against him previously, it was illegal for him to carry a gun. Strike two, felony weapons charges. A search of his person followed and that’s when things really get interesting. They found two plastic baggies, one with cocaine powder and cocaine base, and one with crystal methamphetamine, wrapped around his penis. Strike three. And he further added to his problems by telling the cops that the drugs wrapped around his penis did not belong to him. Well, we don’t think Santa placed it there! Busted! Charged with possession of cocaine, meth, ammunition, and a firearm.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Marathon, Florida, where an officer noticed our bozo weaving in and out of traffic without using his turn signal. He was pulled over and a K-9 officer alerted to drugs in the vehicle. A quick search found 6.1 ounces of cocaine under the hood and $3000 in cash in the car. Busted! He’s currently being held without bond on a felony charge of cocaine trafficking.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Seminole, Florida, where the cops were called to a disturbance at the Irish 31 bar. The owner reported that a sink in the restroom had been broken. Some expert detective work quickly revealed the situation. Bozo Kathy Anderson and her friend were found drinking at the bar. After questioning, our bozo admitted that she and her male companion had met in the bathroom for what she termed an “intimate encounter” and during said encounter the sink had been broken off the wall. Oops. We can only assume they thought it was no big deal as they returned to the bar and continued drinking. The cops ended their little celebration. She was charged with criminal mischief and was released from county jail on her own recognizance. Her friend apparently escaped being charged.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Syracuse, New York, where authorities were called to the Landmark Theatre after employees reported hearing a man banging on a wall and yelling for help. Firefighters drilled a hole in the wall of the theatre’s bathroom and used a fiber optic camera to determine our bozo’s exact location. They cut through several layers of drywall and structural clay tile to get to him. They then removed our bozo, who was naked and dehydrated. The man, who reportedly had been in the wall space for two or three days was taken to a local hospital for treatment. Among the questions that are still unanswered, how exactly did he get into the wall? And what happened to his clothes? Updates when we have them.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Randall Shimoda for sending in this gem from the International file in Cajeme, Sonora, Mexico. Neighbors called the cops to report a domestic disturbance. When the police arrived, they found our bozo, known only as Leonora R holding a knife that she had used to attack her husband. The husband was not seriously injured and was able to explain to the cops what had transpired. He said his jealous wife had been going through his phone and found a picture of him in a compromising position with a younger woman. She flew into a rage and attacked him with the knife before he could explain. That picture was of him, from several years ago. And the woman…it was none other than our bozo, from, as her husband said, “back when she used to take care of herself.” Yep, she didn’t recognize herself. She faces assault charges.

Details are still coming in on this Bozo story from Atlanta, Georgia, but we couldn’t hold off any longer. Apparently a flight from Syracuse to Atlanta over the Thanksgiving holiday was delayed because a woman was breastfeeding a cat. You read that right. According to our sources, the woman in seat 13A was “swaddling the cat in a blanket, trying to get it to latch” and refused to put it back into its carrier when requested by the flight attendant. No word on any charges that may have been filed or the status of the cat.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Michigan where bozo Wendy Watson wanted her ex-husband gone. And we don’t mean she wanted him to vacate the premises, she really wanted him “gone.” So, what do you do in such a situation if you don’t want to do the deed yourself? You look for someone on the internet who can perhaps help you. She thought she had hit the jackpot when she stumbled upon rentahitman.com. The site, which promised privacy and said it complied with HIPPA, which it said was “the Hitman Information Privacy & Protection Act of 1964,” would provide her with someone to do away with her ex in exchange for a down payment of $200 and $5000 when the job was done. She agreed. One problem rentahitman.com is a fake website, founded by a man who forwards any serious inquiries to the cops. When an officer showed up to take the down payment, she was placed under arrest and charged with solicitation of murder and using a computer to commit a crime.