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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Fall River, Massachusetts. Cops were executing a search warrant at a residence when our two bozos made a quick exit, going out a window and up to the roof. Bozo number one leapt from the roof to a parked car while bozo number two, obviously full of the holiday spirit, decided to go down the chimney. Unfortunately, this isn’t as easy as Santa makes it look and our 109 pound bozo quickly found himself stuck. Officers made sure he could breathe while the Fall River Fire Department was called to help with his extraction. After enough bricks were chipped away to free him he was taken to a hospital where he was medically cleared just in time to be charged with possession of Class A drugs, Class B drugs and multiple charges from outstanding warrants. Bozo number one was also arrested and charged.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Caseville, Michigan, where the cops responded to a breaking and entering at a vacation residence. Upon arrival, they found our bozo sound asleep in the master bedroom. Further investigation revealed there had been a report of a break in a couple of days before. After being questioned, our bozo admitted he was indeed the repeat offender, admitting that he had broken in for a snooze at least three times in the past month. While we realize that everyone needs a good night’s sleep, you’re still busted! Charged with three counts of breaking and entering a residence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where Bozo Melonie Mayer paid a visit to the local Cane’s Chicken Fingers restaurant. After exiting the drive-thru our bozo discovered she was missing 8 containers of the famous Cane’s dipping sauce that was supposed to come with her order. She promptly entered the restaurant and demanded that the manager give her the sauce. The manager complied but apparently that just wasn’t good enough for our bozo, who then demanded that she should get extra sauces in exchange for “wasting her time and gas.” When the manager denied the extra sauce demand, our bozo became irate, yelling and screaming and and attempting to tear the manager’s keys and ID lanyard from her belt. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested and taken to jail. And the cost of a container of the sauce that caused all this? Thirty nine cents.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Cape Coral, Florida. Today’s social media is full of “influencers”, people who post basically everything going on in their lives for the whole world to see. Here is our first known instance of an influencer who was moonlighting as a Bozo. It seems 22 year-old Martina Chavez visited the local Target store and loaded her shopping cart with $500 worth of merchandise. When it came time to self-check out, instead of scanning the items our bozo instead scanned false barcodes with cheaper prices. She was allowed to leave but employees alerted the local cops, along with a video of the deed. The cops posted the video, asking for the public’s help in identifying the suspect. It didn’t take long before the tip line was ringing with our bozo’s ID. But here’s where it gets weird. The cops discovered our bozo was a very popular TikTok star, with over 300,000 followers. And she had even posted a video of herself placing the items in her cart and loading them into her car. No, she didn’t tell her followers she hadn’t paid for the loot. Busted! Charged with petty theft.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for bringing us this report from Bradenton, Florida. The recent damage from Hurricane Milton also brought out a spike in bozo activity. Bozo Veronica Tellez applied for hurricane assistance, claiming that damage from the hurricane forced her to move out of her home. Her request for $8000 was approved and now all she had to do was stop by city offices to pick up her check. So far, so good, right? Wrong. It seems our bozo had filed a fraudulent claim, using her mother’s name, drivers license and social security to apply. A sharp-eyed city employee noticed the difference in appearance between our bozo and her mother’s picture on the ID. And that’s when she came up with the Bozo Excuse of the Day. She said looked good because she had recently “undergone botox treatments.” Uh-huh. It was then requested that she come back tomorrow to pick up the check and when she did the cops were waiting for her. Busted! Charged with filing a fraudulent insurance claim.

Over the years, we’ve heard a lot of insurance fraud stories but the sheer bozo-ness of this one puts it at the top of the list. Four bozos in Los Angeles hatched a scheme to claim that the interior of their 2010 Rolls Royce was destroyed by a bear. And to provide proof, they even had a video surveillance tape showing the bear doing the deed. That ultimately turned out to be their downfall. Insurance investigators immediately claimed it was a man in a bear suit tearing up the car’s interior. A couple of things sealed the deal. First, the scratch marks were perfectly straight, something that most likely wouldn’t have happened with a real bear. And, second, the way the bear opened the car door so easily using his “paw” was suspect. And then there’s that bear suit that was found in one of our bozo’s homes. Busted! Charged with insurance fraud and conspiracy.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Melbourne East, Australia, where a very exclusive bottle of Johnnie Walker Scotch was on display at the local liquor store. And we’re talking really exclusive, the price tag on the Masters of Flavour edition was $62,000 Australian dollars. Our bozo was captured on video talking to employees about the bottle just before he was seen exiting the store clutching the front of his pants. Yep, he stuffed the bottle of Scotch down his pants before walking out. Unfortunately for him the video enabled the cops to make a quick arrest before he was even able to enjoy it on the rocks.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Sandusky, Ohio, where bozo Robert Martin had a fun night on the town, hitting his favorite bars. Closing time came and he climbed into his car to head home. So far, so good. But somewhere along the way he must have taken a wrong turn and before you know it, he found himself hopelessly lost. And instead of pulling over and sleeping it off, he did what any bozo would do. He dialed 911 and asked for directions to his house. Bad idea. The dispatcher realized he was intoxicated and dispatched officers to his location. Busted! Charged with DUI.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon, where the cops pulled Bozo Reginald Ross over for a routine traffic stop. Pretty quickly it became evident that this stop was anything but routine. A quick search of the car turned up a number of items, including a brown bag that said on it “Definitely Not a Bag Full of Drugs.” Oh, really? Obviously the bag was mis-labeled as the cops found inside a large amount of methamphetamine. Also inside the car were a loaded .357 handgun, as well as a bag of meth and $1,360 in cash. He additionally had pills that he told the officers were oxycontin and baggies commonly used for selling drugs. Busted! Our bozo and his friend face charges of drug possession, possession of a stolen vehicle and methamphetamine trafficking.

Bozo criminals for today attempted to take advantage of the recent hurricane damage in Florida. As Hurricane Helene was approaching, many areas of Madiera Beach were closed to public access. One of those areas was a strip center whose tenants included a realtor, a gift shop selling crystals and shark teeth, and a store selling Donald Trump merchandise. Now, if you are a couple of bozos and want to make a quick buck selling stolen merchandise, which place would you hit? If you guessed the Trump store, you’re right! They didn’t get far as one of our bozos just couldn’t resist wearing that nice Trump cowboy hat he had just pilfered. When the cops approached and asked what they were doing with all the Trump stuff, they offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. They told them it “washed up in the hurricane.” Sorry you’re busted! Charged with burglarizing an unoccupied structure, a felony, and loitering and prowling, a misdemeanor. They are each locked up in the county jail in lieu of $2500 bond and have been ordered by a judge to stay away from the Trump store.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in today’s report from Pawnee County, Oklahoma. Bozo Cody Alexander was scheduled to appear in court on charges of unauthorized use of a motor vehicle. One problem…he had no means of transportation to get to court. So he headed down to the local OnCue convenience store and began asking strangers if they could give him a lift. When he found no takers, his mind went into full Bozo mode. Looking around the parking lot, he spotted a Lifenet Emergency Medical Services vehicle that was left running and unattended. That was just too much to resist. He hopped in the truck and drove more than 30 miles to court. During the drive, the truck’s owners reported the vehicle as stolen, and, as luck would have it, a trooper just happened to be driving by the courthouse and noticed the truck parked outside. The officer went inside and our bozo was placed under arrest. But wait, the story doesn’t end there. The cop asked our bozo what time his court appearance was scheduled for and allowed him to wait comfortably in the cruiser until he was due to appear. He then walked him in, handcuffed. Not the best look.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Lawrence County, Missouri, which features a violation of Bozo Rule Number 22733: If you’re wanted, it’s a good idea to stay off social media. The Aurora and Marionville Police Police department asked for help from the public in tracking down our bozo, posting his name on their social media account and asking for anyone with information concerning his whereabouts to please come forward. And the first response to the post? None other than our bozo who said, “Aurora and Marionville Police Department What’s Up?” The cops responded and our bozo went back and forth with them on line, leading to his arrest for operating a vehicle without a valid license, three counts of resisting arrest for a felony, receiving stolen property, unlawful possession of a firearm, possession of controlled substances, first-degree burglary and stealing.

Bozo criminal for today comes from that hotbed of bozo activity, the state of Florida. Specifically, the city of Flagler. Police were called to the local Target after a manager reported our bozo had walked out of the store without paying for a $539 electric scooter. Now, if you were a bozo and you had just shoplifted an expensive scooter, what would you do? A. Hop into a waiting getaway car with you stolen merchandise. B. Run as fast as you can and get away from the scene. C. Sit down in front of the store and start assembling it so you can enjoy your new toy. If you selected “C”, congratulations, you show a keen understanding of the Bozo Mind. That’s exactly what he did. He was still working on it when the cops arrived and gave him a free ride to jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Ann Arbor, Michigan, where bozo Corey Hampton was scheduled to appear before the judge on a driving with a suspended license charge. The court had allowed his appearance to be by a Zoom call, so the judge was rather surprised when the first words out of our bozo’s mouth were, “Actually, I’m pulling into my doctor’s office … So just give me one second.” Yep, a guy who had his license suspended was driving while he checked in with the judge. Busted! He was ordered to report to the county jail by 6pm. And you can add a charge of holding a cell phone while driving, which is illegal in Michigan.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Citrus County, Florida, where Hurricane Debby recently caused damage. And also provided the Bozo Excuse of the Week, as we shall soon see. A sheriff’s department officer was on his way to inspect storm damage when he came upon our bozo. She was spinning her wheels at a stop light and, as she pulled away, he observed her driving erratically, continuously turning her emergency flashers on and off. He pulled her over and as he approached the car, he could smell alcohol. When she was unable to successfully walk a straight line in the field sobriety test, she offered up a unique excuse. She said the strong winds from the storm were interfering with her ability to walk. Well, that and the three empty shooters of alcohol, a can of beer and an unopened shooter that were on the front seat. Busted! She waited out the storm in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where management at a local auto wrecking business were fed up with bozos stealing parts off the cars on their lot. When a guy that had been suspected of stealing before was seen on the premises, they were ready. While he was inside the car, they drove a large forklift up to the vehicle. Before he even knew what was going on he was 20 feet in the air. And they refused to let him down until police arrived. Busted! Charged with criminal trespass and possession of criminal tools.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Bakersfield, Missouri. It seems bozo Jared Ferguson was pulled over on a routine traffic stop. When it was determined that our bozo did not have insurance on the vehicle the officer informed him the car would have to be towed. Another deputy told him that, since it was so hot, he would give him a ride back to his residence. Great, said our bozo, just let me grab something out of the back of the car. OK. That something turned out to be some canned vegetables and a bucket of marijuana. Lots of marijuana, over a pound, multiple baggies of methamphetamine weighing 43 grams, a scale, a broken glass pipe and a cell phone. Busted! Charged with felony drug trafficking and unlawful possessing of drug paraphernalia with intent to use.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Officers were called to a report of a noisy party going on a residence. Upon arrival, they found a group of folks, including our bozo, sitting outside and enjoying a few adult beverages. Seemed like a rather routine call until it came time to ask our bozo for his ID. He gave them a false name before jumping a nearby fence onto the property of a dialysis clinic next door. And then things got weird. Our bozo headed to a nearby residence where he stole a bicycle, and then proceeded to pedal back to the dialysis clinic. He jumped off the bike, climbed onto the roof of the clinic and opened a hatch near the air conditioning unit. That’s about as far as he got. It seems he’s a little bigger than the hatch and he soon found himself stuck. After his removal by the police, he was charged with breaking and entering, criminal damage over $1,000, concealing identity and criminal trespass. Additionally, he was charged with doing $35,000 in damages to the air conditioning system.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found a messy scene. The walls and floor had red spatters all over them and the victim had the same red material in her hair. Don’t get ahead of us here…the red spatters are not blood. They are…spaghetti sauce. The victim, the sauce hurling assailant’s mother, told police her son had become upset with her and had thrown his Sunday supper bowl of spaghetti at her. Our bozo fled the scene when cops arrived, attempting to hide behind a bush in the backyard. He was quickly taken into custody and charged with domestic battery and resisting an officer. This isn’t his first run-in with the law, either. He has a previous conviction for “throwing a deadly missile into a building.” The missile in this case was an empty Heineken bottle tossed after being asked to leave a party. A judge has ordered him to have no contact with his mother, and additionally he was placed on a soft food diet.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in this doozy from the International File in Shenzhen, China. To set the scene, there is apparently a large market for snakes in mainland China and our bozo found himself in possession of 104 of the squirmy creatures. Now, all he had to do was get them across the boundary between Hong Kong and Shenzhen. Lots of ways to do this…pack them in luggage? Nah. Perhaps secure them in packing crates? Nope. Stuff them down your pants and head directly to the “nothing to declare” gate? Yep, that’s the ticket. Only it wasn’t. Guards noticed his bulging, undulating crotch. Busted! He’s under arrest. No word on the fate of the snakes.