Yearly Archives: 2025

With all the news in recent days of Teslas being vandalized, you know it was only a matter of time before one of the incidents involved a Bozo. Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Ron Ruth for sending in today’s report from Doylestown Township, Pennslyvania. It seems bozo Charles Rucker pulled his Lexus up next to a parked Tesla and proceeded to scratch a swastika into the vehicle. A couple of problems here. First, as most everyone knows by now, Teslas are equipped with on board cameras that record anytime someone is messing with the car. And second, after doing the scratch job, instead of driving away, our bozo walked into Planet Fitness to get in his workout, scanning his membership card in the process. Oops. Busted! Charged with misdemeanor counts of criminal mischief and harassment, and two counts of summary harassment and disorderly conduct.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Palm Bay, Florida, where police were called to a report of a trespasser at a shopping center. Upon arrival, they found bozo Christopher Mason, 40, in full Ronald McDonald gear complete with a red and white striped shirt and yellow vest and pants. No red shoes were seen, however. As the cop approached, he said, “You look like a clown.” To which our bozo replied, “No s**t. I AM a clown, stupid.” Well, maybe so, but you’re still trespassing. A body search turned up a orange replica gun and, in a backpack, other clown outfits and a pack of 10 red noses. The charges are nothing to laugh about, however. Trespassing, a misdemeanor and resisting officers with violence, a felony. This isn’t his first run-in with the law as he has previous convictions for trespass, resisting arrest, and possession of drug paraphernalia after being arrested outside a McDonalds.

Our bozo story for today comes from the jurisprudence file. A judge in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan has cancelled plans for bozos convicted of shoplifting from the local Walmart to wash the cars of customers in the store parking lot. Citing “safety, liability, insurance and ethical concerns” the judge ordered the free car wash be put off pending further study. The Bozo Report hereby offers this solution: Have them wash the cars naked so there will be no place to hide any pilfered articles. Problem Solved. You’re Welcome.

Over the years, there is one thing that has become obvious to us here at the Bozo Report: Bozos and nakedness go together like peanut butter and jelly. Or something like that. And today’s report from Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero confirms just that. Police in Bargersville, Indiana, were called to a report of a break-in in progress. When they arrived, they found our bozo inside the vehicle, nekkid as jaybird. He climbed out of the car, and with minimal things for the cops to grab hold of, managed to escape and lead them on a merry chase through the streets of Bargersville. Eventually he was corralled and arrested. Charged with theft, resisting law enforcement, unlawful entry of a motor vehicle, disorderly conduct and indecent exposure. Not surprisingly, cops say drugs may have been involved.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Craig Sullivan for sending in today’s report from Indianapolis, Indiana. It was just another day at Indianapolis International Airport until bozo George Sloan showed up at the TSA checkpoint and triggered an alarm that required further screening. The TSA officer began the pat-down and there must have been something that wasn’t to our bozo’s liking, leading him to call the officer a “freak” four times. But things didn’t stop there. When the officer asked our bozo to remove his belt, he went into an impromptu striptease, dropping into a squat and shaking his butt at security staff. Officers were called and upon arrival our bozo said, “What do you want to see?” and dropped his pants and underwear to his ankles, giving he whole airport the full frontal nudity treatment. And as a final insult, he shoved his underwear in the TSA officer’s face before tossing it in the general direction of police officers. At this point, his free strip show came to an end. He was arrested and, given his prior criminal history, was sentenced to 33 months in jail.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Cartagena, Columbia, where customs officers have seen just about everything, but this was, well, unique. Officers were keeping an eye on the scanner as passengers were boarding the plane from Columbia to Amsterdam when they noticed something strange about our bozo. It was his head, specifically the top of his head. It tooked kind of… lumpy. He was quickly pulled aside and the lumps were found to be $10,000 worth of cocaine that he had tried to stash under his toupee. Busted! Charged with drug trafficking

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where police were investigating a van that was reportedly stolen and then sold for parts. In the course of the the investigation, our bozo, Vanessa Gonzalez, turned up as the leading suspect, even being ID-ed by workers at the auto salvage business where she allegedly sold the stolen vehicle. But she was sticking to her story that she had nothing to do with the theft, until an officer turned up her diary. Yep, apparently people still keep diaries. And in that diary, on the date the van was stolen, she had written “Totally stole a car today!” Oops. Busted! Charged with theft of a motor vehicle.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Carlisle, Cumbria, England. Bozo Brian Helms was caught on CCTV breaking into a van, where he and an accomplice stole a nailgun, cordless drill and charger. Their crime spree continued down the street where they broke into a Ford Focus and grabbed a silver ring. But wait, there’s more. A couple of miles down the road they stole a wooden wishing well off a doorstep before dumping it on a nearby street. They then attempted to use a garden chair to climb up and break into a nearby home but failed to gain access. Video footage alone would probably have been enough to have our bozo placed under arrest, but there was one more thing…and this is what landed him on the bozo report. Somewhere along the way he stepped in dog poo and left a footprint. And he was still wearing those shoes, with dog poo attached, when the cops grabbed him. Busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Wildwood, Florida, where bozo Oquavious Davis was enjoying a bologna sandwich while having fun on his PlayStation 5. Unfortunately, one man’s fun, especially if he’s making too much racket, can lead to problems. Such was the case with Oquavious’s stepfather, in whose house our bozo was staying in while on probation. Stepdad asked our bozo to keep the noise down and one thing led to another, culminating in our bozo hurling his bologna sandwich at his stepdad, hitting him in the chest. The cops were called and while the victim “had no visible injuries” from the meat missile, he had somehow managed to record the whole incident on his cell phone. What would have normally been a misdemeanor domestic incident was upgraded to a felony due to our bozo’s prior battery convictions, both of which involved video games. Maybe he should take up something calmer, like Hacky Sack.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Craig Sullivan for sending in today’s report from Bullhead City, Arizona. It seems there had been a couple of bank robberies in town recently, leading to the release of surveillance photos from the heists. The photos were pretty clear, too, and even included a picture of the robber’s getaway truck. And to help with the investigation a $1000 reward was being offered for information leading to the arrest of the suspect. Pretty much straightforward stuff, and then the true bozo nature of the suspect was revealed. It seems a concerned citizen had recognized our bozo robber from the photos that had been made public and, as luck would have it, he happened to encounter said bozo. We’re not exactly sure what happened next, but it would seem the concerned citizen called the robber out and even pointed a gun at him. Well, this was just too much for our bozo to take. He fled the scene and went straight to police headquarters. No, not to turn himself in, but instead to complain to the cops that someone had the NERVE to accuse him of being a bank robber and had threatened him with a gun. Bad, bad idea. The cops recognized him as well and executed a search warrant on his vehicle. His truck contained all of the clothing, including the sunglasses, hat and masks, that matched what he wore during the robberies. Detectives also discovered the notes he had used to demand money from the bank tellers. Busted! And booked into jail on two bank robbery charges.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Los Angeles, California. It would seem we have our first ever violation of Bozo Rule #987767 which states: You can’t carjack a driverless car. In case you don’t know, LA has several driverless Waymo robotaxis prowling the streets. Our bozo hopped in and attempted to commandeer the vehicle but he was thwarted by remote technicians who disabled the car. Stumped by this technology, our bozo seemingly didn’t know what to do and remained inside. Maybe he was threatening to yank out the computer’s chips. Anyway, he stayed in the car until police arrived in riot gear. He was removed and placed under arrest.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from the International File in Qualicum Beach, Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada. On New Year’s Eve around 5:30 p.m., police received a report of a possible drunken driver. When the cops arrived they found not one, but two vehicles stopped on the side of the road. Apparently our bozo had decided to take matters into his own hands and was instructing the alleged drunken driver to go no further. Officers determined the first driver to be sober and merely having trouble driving in the dark. Our bozo on the other hand was found to be intoxicated and was arrested. His car was impounded for 30 days and he was prohibited from driving for 90 days. And maybe the judge should have issued a Mind Your Own Business order also.