Yearly Archives: 2024

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lawrence, Indiana. Bozo Justin Carter pulled up to the Buffalo Wild Wings around closing time and tried to order some fried pickles. Upon being told that the kitchen was closed, our bozo told employees that he would “make it worth it” if they would get those pickles frying. Our bozo, who was wearing an ankle monitor as a result of a prior drug arrest, offered marijuana, cocaine, Ecstasy, and vape cartridges containing THC in exchange for said pickles. Employees said no deal and our bozo left, but not before leaving three small bags of marijuana, telling the manager to “Give those bags to the kids.” Cops were called and they tracked our bozo to the nearby Speedway gas station where he was busted. Charged with multiple felony and misdemeanor narcotics charges and booked into the county jail.

Our bozo for today from St. Petersburg, Florida, committed perhaps the most heinous holiday crime since Grandma got flattened by that reindeer. Cops were called to a residence on Christmas Eve on a report of domestic battery. The police found our victim recuperating on the couch with “numerous scratches on his upper body and arms.” It seems the man and his girlfriend got into an argument over infidelity when the woman picked up the family Christmas tree and began to give the man a holiday thrashing. Oh Tannenbaum indeed. She’s been charged with domestic battery and booked into jail and they both have been ordered to have no contact with each other. No word on the fate of the tree.