Monthly Archives: December 2024

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Don Reese for sending in another tale of a bozo full of the Christmas Spirit. Maybe too full…Police in Leonardtown, Maryland, were called to the Holy Angels Catholic Church during mass on Christmas Eve. It seems bozo Thomas Green was causing a disturbance by rolling an onion down the aisle of the church. And when a parishioner escorted him outside he pelted the poor man with tangerines. His mission there complete, the cops sent him home. Instead, our bozo headed over to the St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church where he poured whiskey into the holy water and threatened to hit anyone who tried to intervene with a whiskey bottle. The cops arrived and hauled him off to St. Mary’s hospital for evaluation. He was charged with second degree assault, disorderly conduct, defacing religious property, obstructing a religious exercise, a religious crime against a group, threat of mass violence and disturbing the peace.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Fall River, Massachusetts. Cops were executing a search warrant at a residence when our two bozos made a quick exit, going out a window and up to the roof. Bozo number one leapt from the roof to a parked car while bozo number two, obviously full of the holiday spirit, decided to go down the chimney. Unfortunately, this isn’t as easy as Santa makes it look and our 109 pound bozo quickly found himself stuck. Officers made sure he could breathe while the Fall River Fire Department was called to help with his extraction. After enough bricks were chipped away to free him he was taken to a hospital where he was medically cleared just in time to be charged with possession of Class A drugs, Class B drugs and multiple charges from outstanding warrants. Bozo number one was also arrested and charged.

Bozo Criminal for today comes from Caseville, Michigan, where the cops responded to a breaking and entering at a vacation residence. Upon arrival, they found our bozo sound asleep in the master bedroom. Further investigation revealed there had been a report of a break in a couple of days before. After being questioned, our bozo admitted he was indeed the repeat offender, admitting that he had broken in for a snooze at least three times in the past month. While we realize that everyone needs a good night’s sleep, you’re still busted! Charged with three counts of breaking and entering a residence.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where Bozo Melonie Mayer paid a visit to the local Cane’s Chicken Fingers restaurant. After exiting the drive-thru our bozo discovered she was missing 8 containers of the famous Cane’s dipping sauce that was supposed to come with her order. She promptly entered the restaurant and demanded that the manager give her the sauce. The manager complied but apparently that just wasn’t good enough for our bozo, who then demanded that she should get extra sauces in exchange for “wasting her time and gas.” When the manager denied the extra sauce demand, our bozo became irate, yelling and screaming and and attempting to tear the manager’s keys and ID lanyard from her belt. The cops were called and our bozo was arrested and taken to jail. And the cost of a container of the sauce that caused all this? Thirty nine cents.