Monthly Archives: August 2024

Bozo criminal for today comes from Akron, Ohio, where management at a local auto wrecking business were fed up with bozos stealing parts off the cars on their lot. When a guy that had been suspected of stealing before was seen on the premises, they were ready. While he was inside the car, they drove a large forklift up to the vehicle. Before he even knew what was going on he was 20 feet in the air. And they refused to let him down until police arrived. Busted! Charged with criminal trespass and possession of criminal tools.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Bakersfield, Missouri. It seems bozo Jared Ferguson was pulled over on a routine traffic stop. When it was determined that our bozo did not have insurance on the vehicle the officer informed him the car would have to be towed. Another deputy told him that, since it was so hot, he would give him a ride back to his residence. Great, said our bozo, just let me grab something out of the back of the car. OK. That something turned out to be some canned vegetables and a bucket of marijuana. Lots of marijuana, over a pound, multiple baggies of methamphetamine weighing 43 grams, a scale, a broken glass pipe and a cell phone. Busted! Charged with felony drug trafficking and unlawful possessing of drug paraphernalia with intent to use.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Albuquerque, New Mexico. Officers were called to a report of a noisy party going on a residence. Upon arrival, they found a group of folks, including our bozo, sitting outside and enjoying a few adult beverages. Seemed like a rather routine call until it came time to ask our bozo for his ID. He gave them a false name before jumping a nearby fence onto the property of a dialysis clinic next door. And then things got weird. Our bozo headed to a nearby residence where he stole a bicycle, and then proceeded to pedal back to the dialysis clinic. He jumped off the bike, climbed onto the roof of the clinic and opened a hatch near the air conditioning unit. That’s about as far as he got. It seems he’s a little bigger than the hatch and he soon found himself stuck. After his removal by the police, he was charged with breaking and entering, criminal damage over $1,000, concealing identity and criminal trespass. Additionally, he was charged with doing $35,000 in damages to the air conditioning system.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Petersburg, Florida, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a residence. Upon arrival, they found a messy scene. The walls and floor had red spatters all over them and the victim had the same red material in her hair. Don’t get ahead of us here…the red spatters are not blood. They are…spaghetti sauce. The victim, the sauce hurling assailant’s mother, told police her son had become upset with her and had thrown his Sunday supper bowl of spaghetti at her. Our bozo fled the scene when cops arrived, attempting to hide behind a bush in the backyard. He was quickly taken into custody and charged with domestic battery and resisting an officer. This isn’t his first run-in with the law, either. He has a previous conviction for “throwing a deadly missile into a building.” The missile in this case was an empty Heineken bottle tossed after being asked to leave a party. A judge has ordered him to have no contact with his mother, and additionally he was placed on a soft food diet.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in this doozy from the International File in Shenzhen, China. To set the scene, there is apparently a large market for snakes in mainland China and our bozo found himself in possession of 104 of the squirmy creatures. Now, all he had to do was get them across the boundary between Hong Kong and Shenzhen. Lots of ways to do this…pack them in luggage? Nah. Perhaps secure them in packing crates? Nope. Stuff them down your pants and head directly to the “nothing to declare” gate? Yep, that’s the ticket. Only it wasn’t. Guards noticed his bulging, undulating crotch. Busted! He’s under arrest. No word on the fate of the snakes.