Monthly Archives: January 2024

Bozo criminal for today from Bangor, Maine, got a little chatty with his Uber driver. Ordinarily, this wouldn’t be a bad thing, but the subject matter was somewhat questionable. On the way to the local TJ Maxx, Bozo Kevin Garrison told the driver that he planned to rob the store when he got there. And, by the way, he had warrants out for his arrest. And, he had drugs on him, which he proved by showing them to the driver. The driver took it all in and called the cops when he dropped Mr. Chatty off. The cops arrived quickly, before he had a chance to pull off the heist. He was found to be in possession of drugs. It was also determined he had been arrested 12 times this year and had seven sets of pre-conviction bail prohibiting him from returning to multiple businesses due to theft charges at those stores. Busted! Charged with theft, refusal to submit to arrest, drug possession, and violation of conditions of release.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Lawrence, Indiana. Bozo Justin Carter pulled up to the Buffalo Wild Wings around closing time and tried to order some fried pickles. Upon being told that the kitchen was closed, our bozo told employees that he would “make it worth it” if they would get those pickles frying. Our bozo, who was wearing an ankle monitor as a result of a prior drug arrest, offered marijuana, cocaine, Ecstasy, and vape cartridges containing THC in exchange for said pickles. Employees said no deal and our bozo left, but not before leaving three small bags of marijuana, telling the manager to “Give those bags to the kids.” Cops were called and they tracked our bozo to the nearby Speedway gas station where he was busted. Charged with multiple felony and misdemeanor narcotics charges and booked into the county jail.

Our bozo for today from St. Petersburg, Florida, committed perhaps the most heinous holiday crime since Grandma got flattened by that reindeer. Cops were called to a residence on Christmas Eve on a report of domestic battery. The police found our victim recuperating on the couch with “numerous scratches on his upper body and arms.” It seems the man and his girlfriend got into an argument over infidelity when the woman picked up the family Christmas tree and began to give the man a holiday thrashing. Oh Tannenbaum indeed. She’s been charged with domestic battery and booked into jail and they both have been ordered to have no contact with each other. No word on the fate of the tree.