Yearly Archives: 2023

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Paducah, Kentucky. An officer was on routine patrol around 2:50 a.m. when he came upon a parked car with the engine running. And inside, three bozos, apparently asleep. A quick check of the license plate found the car was reported as stolen. When he checked to make sure they were OK, he discovered the driver was obviously under the influence of drugs. And, what’s that in the seat beside you? A bunch of used needles, and five needles believed to contain methamphetamine. And about $1400 worth of stolen merchandise. And, he’s wanted on charges of flight/escape and failure to appear on a weapons offense. Busted! Let’s count up this list of charges: Receiving stolen property, driving under the influence of a controlled substance, driving with a suspended or revoked operator’s license, first-degree possession of a controlled substance (methamphetamine) and possession of drug paraphernalia.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Saginaw, Michigan, where the cops were called to a report of a personal protection order violation stemming from domestic violence issues. Our 24 year-old bozo fled when the cops arrived, leading them on a chase through the streets of Saginaw. It was what he chose to flee on that merits his presence in the Bozo Report for today. He tried to get away from the cops on a mini-bike. You know the type, basically a bicycle with a lawn mower engine strapped on. Anyway, he could almost have walked faster, as the 15 mph “chase” led the cops through city streets before coming to its expected conclusion. He’s busted! Charged with fleeing from the police, aggravated stalking and parole violation.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Indian Rocks Beach, Florida, where the cops were investigating a fraudulent use of a vacation home.They discovered our bozo had used a false ID to check himself into a 17-night stay at the resort. He was taken into custody and as he was being booked into jail he underwent a routine cavity search. And that’s when things got a whole lot worse. An officer discovered a .22 caliber round of ammunition that was “positioned underneath the suspect’s testicles.” Yep, of all the places to hide a bullet, our bozo had chosen the seemingly safe location just adjacent to the old family jewels. Well, sorry, pal, but that adds another felony charge. You’re busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Macomb Township, Michigan, where police were on a routine patrol through an apartment complex when they came upon some definite bozo activity. Officers observed a Mercedes SUV in the parking lot with headlights and interior lights on. One bozo remained inside the vehicle while bozo number two appeared to be frantically searching for something on the ground. Further investigation revealed that a large amount of pills had been spilled on the pavement and our bozo was trying to scoop them up. A check of said bozo’s backpack found $2000 in cash wrapped in a rubber band and Xanax, Adderall and other opiates. Oh, and did we mention there was additionally a large amount of cash in the driver’s side door and a white powdery substance on the seat? Busted! Charged with possession with intent to distribute.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Mankato, Minnesota, where the cops were called to a report of a disturbance at a restaurant. Upon arrival, the officers found our distraught victim who was suffering from a “stinging pain” in her back as the result of an assault. So perhaps she had been hit with an object, maybe a baseball bat? Nope. Maybe someone had battered her with his fist? No way. She was hit with barrage of Skittles? Yep. She told the cops a man with a tattoo on his face had entered the restaurant and “began throwing Skittles at employees and customers.” Apparently she was the only person injured in the attack. Using the description she gave they were able to track down our Skittles perp and place him under arrest, charged with assault and possession of marijuana and LSD. No reason for the attack was given.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Las Cruces, New Mexico. Cops were called to a report of a suspicious man in a park next to the Moongate Church. Upon arrival, the cops found our bozo placing some items into his backpack. He then offered up a series of Bozo Excuses to explain his presence at the church at midnight. First, he said he was there to use the church’s electricity to charge his laptop. And what about those items he was placing into his backpack? His reply, “They’re not drugs. It’s gunpowder.” And what’s that pipe, with wires attached, and, isn’t that a battery? Looks like the parts to a pipe bomb. His answer: Those items were just “randomly” placed into his backpack. And those syringes? “Well they’re not heroin, they’re methamphetamine. No further questions. He’s busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Charleston, West Virginia. It seems there have been a number of break-ins in the area recently and apparently someone decided to take matters into his own hands. Police responded to a call of a break-in at a secluded cabin that had been the target of thieves on several occasions. Only this time what the cops found was just…weird. Our four bozo would-be thieves were found lying on the ground with their hands tied behind their backs and the tires on their getaway vehicles flattened. Also inside those vehicles were a number of items that had been taken from the cabin. Our bozos told the officers that a masked man surprised them, quickly subduing them and reading them their rights while making a citizen’s arrest. He then just as quickly disappeared, no doubt in a cloud of dust with his faithful Indian companion by his side.

Our story for today from Tulsa, Oklahoma, proves once again that the combination of a bozo and modern technology is a truly dangerous thing. It seems bozo Steph Hurd was in search of an apartment so he headed down to a local real estate firm where they asked him to fill out some basic paperwork. And in the process of filling out the application, for reasons known only to the bozo mind, he decided to AirDrop a picture of himself to a couple of employees in the real estate office. A naked picture of himself. Bad idea. While he continued to fill out paperwork the cops were called and he was placed under arrest. Oh, and it looks like when he gets out, he’ll continue to live with his parents as his application for an apartment was denied.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Anthony Lucero for sending in today’s report from Espanola, New Mexico, where a woman headed down to the local Sonic Drive-In looking for one of their famous foot-long Coneys. Now for those of you not familiar with Sonic, they feature a hot dog smothered in chili and cheese and served on a foot-long bun. They come with a variety of condiments, but one of them is NOT cocaine. But that’s what she found when she bit into the weiner, a small plastic bag containing a white powder. According to the cops, surveillance video from the kitchen shows our bozo making some sort of transaction with another employee and then “frantically searching the area as if he’d lost something.” Yep, somehow the coke ended up on the Coney. After admitting the cocaine belonged to him, he was busted!

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Fred McKinney for sending in today’s report from Ozark County, Missouri. Dispatch sent officers to investigate a possible hostage situation after receiving a call from a concerned citizen. Apparently text messages had been sent by two men who claimed they were being held at gunpoint by two males who had broken into their home. The Multi-Jurisdictional Task Force was deployed and, upon arriving on the scene, successfully removed the two “victims” from the house. However, a thorough search of the residence failed to turn up the two alleged hostage-takers. Maybe they escaped? Well…maybe not. Upon interrogation, it was determined the whole situation was a result of a drug-induced hallucination caused by the use of methamphetamine. Busted! And charged with possession of a controlled substance and filing a false report.

Our bozo for today from Traverse City, Michigan was working on getting his life in order. And part of that goal was to have a drunk driving charge from 14 years ago expunged. Good idea, right? Well maybe not if you are a certified bozo. Part of the expungement process involved an appearance at a Michigan State Police post. While he was being fingerprinted, one of the officers noticed a smell of alcohol and other signs that he was intoxicated. Uh-oh. A blood draw indicated he was indeed inebriated. He now faces a new DUI charge.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for sending in today’s report from Springfield, Colorado, where cops pulled over our bozo for doing 52 mph in a 30 mph zone. The officer noticed some commotion in the front seat as he approached the vehicle. And then, our bozo was then seen exiting the passenger side of the vehicle while in the driver’s seat was…his dog. Yep, he switched places with the dog and then went on to blame him for the speeding violation. When he couldn’t explain how the dog’s feet would reach the gas pedal, he was arrested and taken into custody for speeding and two outstanding warrants. The dog does not face charges and was let go with just a warning.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Raymond, Maine, where a man offered up a 2006 GMC Yukon Denali for sale on Facebook Marketplace. He quickly received a cash offer for more than the asking price. Sounds good, right? Wrong…if the person doing the offering is a bozo. Our bozo presented the seller with an envelope full of cash and walked quickly to the SUV and drove away. The reason for the hasty exit? The “cash” was fake bills used as movie props. Uh-oh. The seller gave chase and also called the cops, who quickly pulled our bozo over. He offered up the Bozo Excuse that he had “just been paid” and didn’t realize the money was fake. Tell it to the judge. He’s busted!

Bozo criminal for today comes from Alpena, Michigan, where bozo Robert Carter made a quick stop at the local Walmart. And as you are no doubt aware, actual check-out lanes manned by actual humans are few and far between these days, so he headed for the self-checkout. Scanned his items, reached into his pocket, grabbed his wallet, paid for his items and left. All good, right? Well, not quite. It seems when he reached into his pocket for his wallet, a small baggie containing a white powder fell out. Oops. Using his credit card info, he was quickly tracked down and…Busted! Charged with possession of cocaine.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Catamount for making us aware of an issue we didn’t even know existed-Fruit Roll Up smuggling. Apparently a viral Tik-Tok video has caused a shortage of the tasty treat in Israel so some entrepreneurs have taken matter into their own hands, smuggling Fruit Roll Ups into the country in their luggage. An American couple was stopped by customs trying to bring 661 pounds of the stuff into Israel for resale. A red flag went up to authorities when the luggage contained nothing but Fruit Roll Up, no clothing or toiletries. Our bozos response was that he “Had clothes in Israel”. Busted and confiscated!

Bozo criminals for today from Oak Park, Michigan, violated Bozo Rule Number 121933: Gas that vehicle up first, then load it up with drugs. A Michigan State Police trooper stopped to assist a driver of a disabled vehicle. Our bozo told the trooper he had run out of gas after driving to pick up another person, who was sitting in the back of the car. He then admitted to the officer that he was carrying a handgun, for which he did not have a CPL. And then things went downhill rapidly. He was placed under arrest for Carrying a Concealed Weapon. A quick search of the car turned up a grocery bag in the back seat containing heroin, LSD sugar cubes, and a scale. And since that bag also contained credit cards with the rear seat passenger’s name on it, he was also arrested. Their next stop is jail. Their first stop should have been the gas station.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Clearwater, Florida, where bozo Daniel Barrera was pulled over by the cops for a minor traffic violation. The officers checked his license and discovered it was invalid. Uh-oh. This prompted a search of the car which turned up a large clear bag which contained 30 grams of a powdery substance. He quickly offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week, telling the cops it was “chili powder” sent to him from his family in Guatemala. Sorry. No dice. It tested positive for heroin. Busted! Charged with a narcotics trafficking rap, plus a probation charge related to a previous DUI charge and he was wanted by immigration and customs officials.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Sanlucar de Barrameda, Spain. Our bozo broke into a tapas bar overnight and cleaned out the cash register and also took seven legs of pricey Iberico ham. When the owner of the shop arrived the next morning she noticed something interesting. A greasy trail of fat leading from the restaurant to a nearby residence. Yep, those legs of ham are heavy and our bozo drug them on the ground behind him as he attempted his getaway. Busted! The cops got a warrant and found the hams and the cash inside.

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Daniel Pierce for sending in today’s report from Portland, Oregon. Officers tried to pull over our bozo on a report of a suspicious vehicle. Instead, our bozo fled, leading the cops on a chase that involved the tires getting spiked and the vehicle eventually ending up on the banks of the Willamette River. Ignoring orders to surrender, our bozo jumped in and attempted to swim to freedom. Somewhere between the bank and the shore, it occurred to him that this might not be the best idea and he turned back and swam to the officers, where he gave himself up. He’s been charged with theft of a vehicle and evading arrest.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Redwood City, California, where bozo Moses Robley was seen scrambling over two fences and then climbing through a second floor door. OK, so why does this qualify as a bozo? The building he entered was the Maple Street Correctional Center. Yep, he broke INTO a jail. When officers found him, he was relaxing in a lobby area inside the building usually reserved for inmates. His story: He was fleeing a man with a gun. He was found to be in possession of stolen credit cards and appeared to be under the influence of meth and alcohol. Busted! Charged with misdemeanor breaking and entering.